Number of Times Mom Would Have TOTALLY Made Me Stop Watching: 0
Joffrey hands out castles to the dudes who helped him defeat Stannis, but Sir Loris asks, instead, for Joffrey to marry Margaery. After some coaxing from his mom, er, I mean his council, Joffrey agrees. Brienne proves again how badass she is on the journey to King’s Landing with Jaime. Catelyn tries to council Our Robb not to marry the lady medic on account of the fact that she promised he’d marry one of that one dude’s daughters so they could cross a bridge. Stannis, who I guess escaped capture channels his inner Edward G. Robinson asking the red witch where her Moses was now. He also strangles her a little bit before they make up and look at the future in a fire together like a good couple. Theon waxes whiny about how hard it was to grow up in Winterfell, and Maester Luwin tries to convince him to go to the Wall and take the black, but he won’t run away from Our Robb’s men. Instead he gives an incredibly rousing speech, and is then HILARIOUSLY knocked out by his own men. But then they spear Maester Luwin! Lord Varys proves he is Tyrion’s friend, when he brings Shae to him. Shae wants him to leave King’s Landing with her, but he actually wants to stay. Then Shae tells him she won’t leave him because she is his and he is hers, and they made me cry in a public place in New York City. Meanwhile, Our Robb marries the lady medic. Arya, Gendry and Pig Pen meet Jaqen H’ghar on the road, and he invites her to come with him and learn the ways of speaking in the third person. But Arya needs to find her family, so he gives her a coin and tells her that if she ever needs to find him, all she has to do is say Valar Morghulis. Then his face changes right before her eyes. Tonks and the boys come up out of the dungeon to find that Winterfell has been burned to the ground, and Maester Luwin is dying under the big white tree. He tells them to go North to the Wall to find Jon Snow, before asking Tonks to end his suffering. Daenerys has gained entrance to the wizard tower, and finds herself in a snow room. She follows the sound of her dragons, but it takes her into a whole snow world. In this snow world, she enters a Dothraki tent, and in that tent is Khal (or as I like to call him, Karl) Drogo and their son!!! Aw, he’s waiting for her on the other side. Funny how such tenderness and love can grow out of a rape. When she exits the tent, there are her dragons! The wizards want her to stay there with her dragons and magic some chains around her to prove their point. But then she gives the signal to her dragons, and they burn the wizard up! North of the Wall, the awesome Ranger — whose name I forget — instigates a fight with Jon Snow so he can prove how awesome he is to the Wildlings. Jon Snow kills him in the battle, and the Wildlings cut him loose and decide to take him to meet their king. Daenerys finds the rich merchant’s bank vault empty, and locks him up in it. Then she has her people take all of the gold and jewels in Qarth. Sam and his buddies are digging in the snow when they hear a horn blowing. They start running away, but Sam falls behind! Then he hides as a zombie hoard approaches! Are these the White Walkers? The leader makes eye contact with Sam, but then just leads them onward, and you see that there are HUNDREDS of them!!!!
Whoah. So I totally just realized this: Joffrey only HAS ONE Grandfather!!! How weird is that? Also? GROSS. Joffrey totally gave me the heebie jeebies during his interaction with Margaery. It’s like he’s trying to act like someone my mom would call a “snake oil salesman”, but he doesn’t actually succeed and ends up just being even more creepy. Anyway, I LOVED the scene with Arya and Jaqen H’ghar, because HOLD. The. Phone. Is he a wizard? I wish I got to see a little bit more of Gendry, though, because I’ve missed him. I mean, what is going on with him? How has he been? I think we should get together for lunch to catch up. Poor, poor Jon Snow. I felt so bad for him that he had to kill the ranger, but I’m glad that the wildlings accept him now. SAAAAAAMMMMM!!!!!! Is he okay? I don’t think the White Walkers hurt him, but I don’t know! And now I have to wait until NEXT YEAR before I find out!!!
Number of Times Mom Would Have TOTALLY Made Me Stop Watching: 0!!!! There was no nekkidness!!!
Sansa’s moment of relief after Joffrey chooses to marry Margaery was a moment of brilliance. Poor thing. I am actually really worried about her now. Will Littlefinger really get her home? Tyrion. Fucking. Lannister. How does the man do it? I am completely in love with him. Effing Jon Snow. I feel so bad for that poor ranger, sacrificing himself because Jon Snow is too thick to figure out for himself what he needs to do to survive. What the heck? I’ve said it before, but he definitely isn’t the sharpest Stark in Winterfell. I’m happy Our Robb got to marry his lady medic. That means he’ll have some happy times before the something bad that I think will happen happens to him. It was also nice to see Daenerys actually being badass again, instead of just acting like a Targaeryan. WHITE WALKERS!!!! Where are they marching to? Are they marching on the Wall or the Wildlings? Have they amassed to wage a war? Do they think, or are they controlled by someone? This is SO. HUGE. OH!!! And Khal Drogo!!! It was so good to see him!
Jeezum crow, for my own heart and the tears I cried in a restaurant earlier, I have to say that Tyrion wins again. The scene that started with him and Varys and ended with him and Shae weeping in each other’s arms was one of the most beautiful scenes I’ve ever seen. However, Theon’s speech punctuated by him being knocked out so excellently, and then double punctuated by Maester Luwin getting so horribly speared was genius.