So I know some people were really (like, really) worried that Jane‘s first season set the bar so high—and left us with such an overwhelming afterglow all summer long—that season two couldn’t possibly live up to it. I never counted myself a part of that set, but I am nonetheless impressed that so far season two seems like it is somehow EXCEEDING the strengths of season one. The meta/fantasy elements feel elevated; the family dynamics more complex in a lived-in rather than telenovela way; and, impossibly, even the wardrobe choices seem richer and more supportive of story elements than in the first season. Is this possible? I don’t know! All I know is I never want this show off my television.
Let’s recap!
THIS WEEK’S MVP(arent)
Honestly, there is just too much great, obvious parenting going on in the Villanueva household for me to tease out any one parent there, so I’m going to go rogue and say PETRA, who may have taken on imminent motherhood for the worst reasons, but is at least committing to it, not taking any chances with Rafael’s for-real last sperm sample. Let those needles work their fertility magic!
BEST TELENOVELA TWIST
Xo + Ro, our eternal Dream Team, accidentally shipping off to Cuba on the matching-sailor-outfit-dinner-show gig Rogelio was trying to get out of. It was like a bottle episode *inside of* a normal episode, the real twist being the LIGHTNING QUICK dispatching of the worst dram-angst from the #XoRo arc in season one, which then allowed for the setting up of even greater dram-angst in Ro’s ex-wife later this season.
Runner-up: Ke$ha’s guest star turn kicking off an emotional story about Alba’s path to official citizenship. I did not see that connection coming!
BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT
Rafael’s penthouse becoming the catalogue centerfold for Target’s baby line, FOR SURE.
LOL at the almost embarassed half-faded #ad hashtag in the corner. I didn’t fail at screengrabbing the text overlay; that is literally the boldest it got. “Sorry/notsorry, our show is basically one big ad campaign.” Whatever! I’m not mad at it.
PREVIOUSLY ON JANE THE VIRGIN
Mostly just:
Also Xiomara and Rogelio got drunk married in Vegas; Michael and Rafael found themselves locked in a terrible triangle for Jane’s affections; and Raf’s assistant Scott sniffed out the fact that Petra gave in to her inner demons and used a turkey baster to secretly knock herself up with Raf’s truly last sperm sample, which will be real humiliating for Luisa whenever the truth comes to light, realizing that a $4 kitchen tool was a more effective OBGYN for Petra than she ever was.
THIS WEEK
Three Years Ago, in Hell
Well, camping in a mosquito-infested Floridian jungle on a 104° night, which, honestly—same thing. Young!Jane went along with Young!Michael, sick in love and wanting to give as many of his favorite things a shot as possible, but rapidly determined that she had hit her limit. Camping was never, ever, ever, ever, ever going to be her thing. And if that was going to be a dealbreaker… But no. Not a dealbreaker. Have you SEEN Jane? Because Michael has, and let us both tell you—there’s no such thing as a dealbreaker when it comes to her. Not even her being the grossest, sweatiest, dirtiest, smelliest version of herself to date.
Bringing Up Baby Mama
“To date” being key there, as it turns out that new motherhood? Doesn’t leave a lot of time for even the most basic of self-care—like, you know, regular showers, a reality which the Villanueva+ clan huddles in the hallway out of a very smelly Jane’s earshot to discuss. They ultimately establish that the exact date their dear virgin mama last bathed was at minimum seven days previous, which fact is impressive only in that it does not seemed to have turned either of Jane’s suitors off in the slightest. Otherwise? New moms gotta do what new moms gotta do.
The collaboration (and shared horror) between Xo, Alba, Ro, and Raf as they discuss Jane’s ablutions is delightful (“I know her last shower wasn’t Sunday, because I prayed for it in church and it didn’t happen,” Abuela contributes); even more delightful is their balletic sweeping of Jane from kitchen to bathroom at the earliest possible moment, a collective action so necessary and premeditated that even Michael, not technically a part of the household framework, is revealed to be in on it when he arrives with Jane’s daily coffee and lets Rogelio intercept it with complete grace.
Unfortunately, as graceful and clever as the plan was, it fails. Jane takes a sweaty, smelly nap instead, and it isn’t until Xiomara corners her later for some mother-daughter straight talk that Jane catches on. Which, duh! If season one taught Jane et al anything, it should be that straight up straight talk is always preferable to subterfuge and overly clever machinations. Because all their lives? Pleeeeeenty complicated without any of that nonsense.
Those complications, it turns out, are the real reason Jane has been so focused on staying inside her baby bubble for so long. On the stranger danger front, Jane is still anxious that Rose might turn up on any random street corner, ready to take Mateo again; on the personal front, Jane is perfectly aware that two hot, attentive men are just about peeing themselves in anticipation of her choosing one of them to be her forever guy, and is NOT anxious to be faced with making that decision just now.
“Well, you’re a great new mom, but you have to get out of your baby bubble sometime,” Xo shrugs. Besides, she’s enjoying the hell out of watching her own living room Bachelorette, and is ready for Jane to take her suitors on their next challenge: the Lunch Date.
Did You Say Bachelorette
Despite Jane’s assertions that romance is the last thing on ANY of their minds, what with all the baby/Sin Rostro drama, it turns out that not even she is immune—the moment she’s alone with Mateo in the ladies restroom at the lunch restaurant, Bachelorette!Jane pops into being, a luscious, lustful incarnation of Jane’s subconscious who’s more than ready to make the boys work for Jane’s “rose.”
Unfortunately, Bachelorette!Jane (her listings on WornOnTV are a TREAT) isn’t the only hallucination that Jane’s first post-birth lunch out lets loose from her subconscious—at the same time that Jane is confronting her desire/need to pick a True Love™, she is contending with seeing Rose in every tall, vaguely pale, vaguely redheaded woman’s face. “I know it’s ridiculous,” she says to Michael and Raf when she returns to their awkward table for three, “she’s long gone, and has no reason to come back.”
Truuuuuuue, Michael allows, but he can’t in good conscious let Jane go one thinking that it’s only pale redheads Jane needs to be wary of. Because Rose, if you will recall, was Sin Rostro, and Sin Rostro, if you will recall further, was in charge of an intense operation that gave criminals intense operations for brand new faces. So not to freak you out or anything, Jane, but Rose could be ANYONE. Like your waitress! Or your package delivery lady! Or your room service attendant! ANYONE. So I guess the question now is: which True Love™ will soothe your subconscious’ worst fears the best?
Bachelor No. 1: The Good Guy Cop
Michael makes a pretty good showing for himself this episode! I don’t think it is a secret that he is not my favorite suitor for Jane, but he even won me over with his surprise gift of a home security installation, and his surprise history with taking care of small children that he has not once brought up as a weapon to beat Raf down. He was funny and sweet (overlooking Alba’s non-citizenship!) in the flashback, and sweet and appropriately (and not overreachingly) apologetic in the present day. He made a solid case for how he understood that his first response to Jane’s surprise pregnancy was immature and wrongheaded, and was convincing in his declaration that Mateo as more than an abstract idea of a baby was desirable to him for his future. He was doing SO WELL.
…until he decreed to Jane how she felt and what she thought (“You are in love with the idea of a family, not with Raf, which is why you’ll pick me when you realize he has nothing to offer as a person, which I know because somehow I know both you AND him better than you know either of you” BARF), which is the exact gross dick move that was his signature in season one. Michael! YOU WERE DOING SO WELL.
Bachelorette!Jane, for her part, just thinks he’s The One.
Bachelor No. 2: The Hot Hotelier
Raf just makes a good showing for himself this episode, full-stop. He jumps down Michael’s throat a bit too aggressively for my taste at the end, but it is fair for him to question why Michael, who is not family and ostensibly has an actual job (lol) to be performing in the very large city of Miami most of each day, is always two minutes away from Jane at any given moment.
Before that, though—when it comes to how he interacts with Jane—Raf is great. He’s found his place within the Villanueva family structure; he’s got his Marbella suite decked out in baby gear, everything Jane ever added to her Target baby registry (the real gift is imagining Raf on the #targetrun himself); he’s ready to go on baby-cuddling/Rose-watching duty so that Jane can get some real sleep; he knows all the best drive-thru fry places across the city. More than that, despite the weeks (us)/months (him) angsting about his dumb “I don’t love you” break-up mistake last season, Raf easily finds the words this week to admit exactly how he feels and exactly what he wants, “for this to be a regular Thursday, and not just the first time all week he’s been truly happy.”
Honesty! The sexiest character trait (those abs tho, right abuela?)! And Bachelorette!Jane agrees. “Kiss him; marry him; have SEX with him…FOREVER.”
And the Rose Goes To…
After Raf trips the new home security alarm the next day and brings Michael running, Jane finds herself face-to-face with two romantically frustrated men—and one romantically frustrated sparkly subconscious—who want an answer once and for all. Not as an ultimatum, really, but more as a tool to get the other man to step out of the race. I don’t know if that’s better. And neither does Jane. Jane doesn’t know ANYTHING. Well, except for the fact that she is in love with both Michael and Rafael, and that she can’t unfeel it towards either one.
And how does that make THEM feel?
Honesty. The unsexiest character trait. Womp womp.
Love Boat
Remember how Xiomara and Rogelio had a one-shot gig in Vegas the night before Mateo was born, that they had to miss in order to get back to Miami in time? The casino sure does! And they are suing the newlyweds for half a million dollars, or a replacement gig on a CRUISE SHIP, whichever hit the couple is most willing to take. Xo, tied to Rogelio’s lawsuits by marriage now, doesn’t have half a million dollars to lose; Rogelio won’t be caught dead headlining a cruise. “I’m not Charo!” he exclaims in horror, “…who is a dear friend that I would LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR.” But he doesn’t want her career. Unfortunately, he fired and then hung up on his lawyer before getting any details about the cruise gig option, so now he is stuck trailing Xiomara as she goes off to learn more. And then the two of them are stuck ON THE SHIP. GOING TO CUBA. because Rogelio didn’t bother to pay attention to the exact words his lawyer was saying on the phone, which were “the ship leaves at 2,” not “the meeting is at 2.” Whoops!
Since they are on the ship anyway, Xo agrees on both their behalf to do the show, which turns out to be even more humiliating than Rogelio anticipated, as it is dinner theater in matching sailor outfits, dancing in front of a chocolate fountain. But as Xo points out, while that may be a step down for him, it is frankly a really cool opportunity for her (#AllEntertainmentMatters). And ultimately, it ends with them falling into bed in their cramped engine room quarters and working out all of their end-of-season-one issues. Namely, she did a thing that was wrong, but it was minor in the scheme of things, and the two of them work well together. But also she determines they need to get the annullment regardless, because 1) they are grandparents now and need to try to do things in a new, more responsible way, and 2) the reason Rogelio reacted so strongly to Xo’s transgression was how his first wife (mis)treated him, and thus he clearly has some issues he needs to work out before committing to Xo.
So okay—Rogelio will work out his ex-wife issues, and he and Xo will go on ice cream dates in the meantime. Hooray!
Good Amps Make Bad Neighbors
A slow-burning B-story featuring rock-pop star and surprise IB student Ke$ha as the Villanuevas’ new obnoxiously loud rocker neighbor builds in the background throughout the A-story dramas facing Jane and Xo this week. At first it seems like just one more real world annoyance coming down on Jane’s head in her first week with Mateo…
…Alba’s ignored note and Jane’s failed request for neighborly goodwill making for the straw that broke the new mom’s back, causing Jane to steal the girls’ amp as petty retribution the night after they aimed it directly at Jane’s window when they started practicing at 10pm. Harmless fun! Being a good neighbor and person is hard!
BUT THEN the cops are at Jane’s house investigating the amp theft, asking Alba for her ID as part of their routine investigation, and BAM: now we’re in the middle of an intensely emotional undocumented immigrant story, and while Jane manages to snuff the quarrel out and send the beat cops home, the whole business results in Alba petrified and crying on the edge of her bed.
The shock jostles something in Alba, though, and after she sleeps on it, she comes to Jane and Xo (via cruise ship Skype) with a declaration: she is going to apply for her green card. She refuses to make Mateo have her citizenship hanging like a storm cloud over his childhood like it did over Xo’s and Jane’s, just for fear that if she applies she might get rejected. So in a surprising twist, it turns out that Ke$ha was the final straw—just for Alba, not Jane. In a less surprising twist, this show knocks everything else on TV out of the water for its smart, exquisitely executed treatment of political and humanitarian issues.
Great Schemes Make WORSE Neighbors (Parts I & II)
I
I feel like I gave short shrift to Petra last week, because her story was so quick to sum up: she was torn about using Raf’s final sperm sample on herself to win him back, until she wasn’t. I didn’t even mention the flashbacks to early in her marriage to Raf when he was pre-cancer and she was pre-miscarriage and they were joyfully partaking in the dumb tradition of biting into a cake to learn the gender of the baby from the color inside (purple). It was very affecting! Yael Grobglas really sells the shades of humanity (and comedy!) in Petra, and I love every minute she is on screen.
That said, this week I am going to give her just as short shrift: she did the turkey baster thing, and now Scott the Assistant is holding it over on her. His price? A promotion to Lounge Manager, which honestly sounds like a step down from Executive Assistant to the Owners, but whatever, this is the guy who kept important information about Solano, Sr. from the police because “guy code.” He can burn all the career bridges he wants.
So after hounding Petra at her fertility acupuncture session and threatening her via text in the middle of her important business meeting with Raf and Eager Beaver New Partner Luisa, Petra angles for Raf to get on board with the promotion. Raf agrees to look over Scott’s (fake) resume. Luisa watches everything Petra does/doesn’t eat, and concludes within seconds that she is pregnant, promptly texting her very scientific findings to her brother, who in turn promptly tells Jane when he meets up with her for their morning stroll.
Petra’s quick action on Scott’s fake resume blows up in her face, however, when the fertility clinic that had been holding the sample all that time calls Rafael’s office later to confirm a refund on his monthly deposits, and Raf himself picks up, since Scott has moved on to bigger and better things. “I’m sorry, WHAT sample?” Raf asks, panic rising in his throat. “You know, the one your wife, one PETRA SOLANO, picked up a few weeks ago?”
Cue: best. reaction. face. of. all. time.
GIF from kepnerrrd
II
Speaking of poor suckers, Lachlan is back! Remember Lachlan? Luisa doesn’t! “Hi, I’m Luisa,” she says, sticking her hand out to him when he strolls into Raf’s office, interrupting the meeting Raf, Luisa and Petra are having about purchasing the neighboring property to avoid having someone else build on it and destroy their view. “Rick, right?” she smiles. Considering who Lachlan is and what he is certainly there to do, it would be great if Luisa were pre-trolling him, but nope. She’s just being herself, cheerfully and unknowingly dumping more fuel on every fire that crosses her path.
“Don’t buy the property,” Lachlan declares, handing over a thick sheaf of paper. “It’s a literal sinkhole.” Strong words, coming from a known traitor! There are precisely zero reasons Petra and Rafael should trust him!
True true true, Lachlan agrees, but he didn’t come to them out of altruism: he came to exchange the cruddy Marbella contract Petra tricked him into for freedom and a $500,000 finder’s fee. A hostage situation, is what it is. And his offer is just cynical enough to be alluring. So Raf calls the woman who did the erosion survey Lachlan found and gets all the details. “He’s right, it’s a pit,” Raf sighs to Petra when he hangs up. “No deal.”
Meanwhile, Eager Beaver Luisa is looking over the files on her own, really leaning in to learning the family business inside and out. And what does she find? TREACHERY.
Only she gets chloroformed and kidnapped by the mysterious Swiss woman’s tall, bald henchman before she can call Raf and warn him. And while Jane and Michael exchanged Rose notes earlier and discovered that Rose absolutely must have traveled to Switzerland with a different passport than the police have (because no way would Rose have lied to a rude wine sob hotel guest in order to win over enough of Jane’s trust to get the scoop on Detective Michael Cordero’s inner workings), I suspect it will be awhile before they put wine + snob together and figure out what the connection is. And by then, the traitorous Lachlan will have the Marbella’s competition’s high rise halfway built. SUCKERS.
Poll time!
POLL: Who kidnapped Luisa, and why?
- Rose, for love. 39.13% (18 votes)
- Rose, for revenge. 19.57% (9 votes)
- Rose’s nemesis, for love. 4.35% (2 votes)
- Rose’s nemesis, for revenge. 23.91% (11 votes)
- Zaz’s evil triplet, who is really Zaz, who is STILL working for, or against, or with, Rose. HE CAN’T REALLY BE DEAD. 8.7% (4 votes)
- Rose’s nemesis, for revenge, who is Juicy 2.17% (1 votes)
- That mountain person? Is that Rose? 2.17% (1 votes)
About the Contributor:
Alexis Gunderson is a TV critic and audiobibliophile. A Wyoming expat, she now lives in Maryland, where she runs the DC chapter of the FYA Book Club. She can be found talking about Teen TV on Twitter, and her longform criticism can be found on Authory.
