You guys! There was no holiday yesterday! Now I don’t know what to talk about!
HA HA, JUST KIDDING. If you thought I was going to let this post go by without at least a brief mention of Charlie Sheen’s CRAZYBALLS performances on the morning shows yesterday, then you’re obviously high on the drug Charlie Sheen. Your normal brains! They just can’t process him! He’s WINNING. A rock star from Mars! HE’S GOT TIGER BLOOD! I’ve got tiger balm! Is that the same thing?
Alright, let’s see what the slightly less batshit insane people on PLL have been up to this week. Plus! Another giveaway!
Previously on Pretty Little Liars: Kat from 10 Things is a secret lesbian who enjoys lesbian kisses with Emily, Hanna checked out Caleb’s package, Toby and Spencer found a 214 note in Jenna’s room, Jenna is composing flute music for the play and trading secret packages with Ian at school, Alison was doing the horizontal with Ian, the girls found a trophy with blood on it, but the blood was a rat’s, and the cops seem to think this warrants bringing the girls in for questioning, because Rosewood PD is entirely peopled with Jerky Detectives who don’t know how to do their job.
At the police station, the girls are coming clean about the Ian and Alison affair. The detective’s all, “Why would Ian bone such a younger girl?” Spencer thinks he was “into younger girls.” The detective (and what happened to original Jerky Detective?) asks if Ian was into any other young girls. The girls all lie and say no.
Outside in the hall, Spencer comes clean to the girls, in re: lying to the detective about hooking up with Ian. The girls all console her, because lying is their default position.
Then the detective tells Garrett, a baby!cop who was an ex-neighbor of Emily,to spy on the girls.
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
Commercials. Beastly! ONE MORE WEEK, Pettyfer’s abs!! Then I will watch you glisten as you do chin-ups and push-ups and sit-ups and other sort of -ups which make your abs ripple. I have it marked in my calendar with a big red heart and a tiny photo of a champ can!
Show. Spencer’s house. Her parents are downstairs, having an upper-middle-class kind of morning. Apparently, Melissa has told them that Spencer’s cracked up, and that’s why she’s accusing Ian. And her parents are buying it. Spencer doesn’t want to go to the therapist! She just wants Ian to go away!
“You think *I’m* crazy? Have you MET your other daughter?”
And then guess who shows up! Thankfully, the pregnancy hasn’t ruined Melissa’s bitchface. Spencer just wants Ian to go away, and he pretends to be all noble about it all. Melissa, of course, makes it all about herself. Oh, WASPs. You guys never change.
Locker room. Kat from 10 Things sees Emily! She’s been avoiding Emily! Now that Kat from 10 Things has embraced her secret lesbianism, she’s also embracing her love of fugly blanket-sweaters that were woven by the Native American tribe of Speigel Catalogue. Anyway, Kat from 10 Things wants to forget all about the kiss, which upsets Emily.
Meanwhile, Spencer is helping Toby – WHO HAS CUT HIS HAIR! – to move out of the house for the weekend. He doesn’t want to stay in the house alone with Jenna the Brother-Fucker, so he’s going to stay in The Only Motel In Rosewood for a few days. Get number 214, Toby!
Oh, wait, no. Spencer is going to see it instead. Room 214! Jenna’s flute music is coming through the doors, and Spencer can see the bag that Ian handed Jenna during the last episode on the bed. What could it all mean??
Hanna’s. Prozzie Mom has gone upstairs for a shower, so Caleb is allowed out of his cupboard under the stairs, 4 Privet Drive. He totally lays the mack-on-Hanna-from-behind-while-in-the-kitchen move, which is something I always see teens on tv do, but never experienced for myself until, like, a year ago. Though that may be less of an age thing and more because the kitchen is my Special Sanctum Where Cupcakes Are Made, so only a few trusted people are allowed to enter it. (Also, it’s small and only fits one person at a time.)
Prozzie Mom comes downstairs, so Hanna scrambles to hide the evidence of Caleb’s existence. Yet, I bet her nipples are poking against her shirt! You can’t hide that evidence, Hanna! At least not without pasties. Anyway, apparently Caleb is THE WORST HOUSE GUEST EVER, because he keeps forgetting to put the toilet seat down. CALEB! NO KISSES FOR YOU! Prozzie Mom does not want Caleb hanging around! She goes back upstairs for a shower, so Caleb comes back in for more kisses. NO! Not until you learn the toilet seat rule!
School. Aria is dressed like a schoolmarm from 1943. She’s actually wearing a high lace collar, y’all. Doesn’t that shizz scratch? I wish I could find a good frontal picture, but even ABC Family knows that shizz is whack, and don’t have a good photo of it on their site.
Anyway, she walks into Fitz’s room, only to find him talking softly to Jenna. That Jenna! Always showing up where she isn’t wanted! Which is everywhere! Aria, of course, gets a text message from A – “The LOVER and the SCORNED are now BFFs. Scared yet? You will be. -A”
I do have to say: it’s always so refreshing how nice A’s grammar is in text messages. If I were to receive a similar message from A Youth of Today, it’d read: “ThE LovER AnD ThE SCORneD R now BFF’s. ScArEd yEt u wILl b.” I really don’t understand the strange capitalization of letters. What is that? WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Also, one day, I’m going to be Speaker of the House, but instead of spending all my time hating women, I’m going to pass bills which make the crime of the extraneous apostrophe a PRISONABLE OFFENSE. Yeah, that’s right!! See how many JD’s and judge’s will care about your defense, you GRAMMAR MURDERER! You’ll be sharing a cell with the kind of people who can’t figure out how to properly pluralize “attorney general”* and a gang of Grammar Nazis will BEAT YOU UP IN THE SHOWERS. IT IS GOING TO BE LIKE OZ, OKAY? Only without Christopher Meloni killing anyone in the shower.
*It’s “attornies general,” NOT “attorney generals!” They aren’t lawyers who have recently joined the Army!
I digress. Aria is wearing a lovely shade of nail color this week.
Jenna was just leaving! Fitz tells Aria that Jenna’s submitting a short-story. Aria wants to come over and cook tonight, instead of getting take-out. Why does every girl on this show act like she’s thirty? At sixteen, the only thing I could cook was pasta that I heated in boiled water. Oh, and tacos; I was pretty good at making tacos. One time I tried to make flan for my family- an incident which they will probably relate at my funeral – and I couldn’t quite figure out the caramel topping, and I ended up hard-caramelizing the sugar, and we had to use spoons and knives to try to pick into the hard shell. It took at least twenty minutes. Very embarrassing; I’m not sure why I’m telling you this story. I’m better at flan now! I can cook okay! I’m no Meghan, but I do alright!
Anyway, Fitz is gushing over Jenna’s dumb short story, which is about a blind girl who sees more than the sighted people around her. And also her brother blinded her, in the story. Jenna says it’s fictional, which is technically true. Pretty much on all counts, actually.
Hallways. Em’s opening her locker, and there’s a letter from Kat from 10 Things! She wants Em to meet her later tonight!
Hanna and Spencer walk up, and Spencer has told Hanna about room 214. Emily’s all, “214?” in a suspicious manner. Now I can’t remember who learned about Jenna’s note. Was it Emily? Or Spencer? It was Spencer, wasn’t it? Anyway, Spencer wants to break in! And then she sees baby!cop Garrett, so goes running after him.
Spencer wants Garrett to follow up on the Hilton Head lead. He’s working on it! But why would Ian want Ali dead? Because she was going to tell Melissa about their affair!
In the bathroom, Aria and Jenna are washing their hands. Jenna lays down her usual mildly-threatening knowledge.
See!! DO YOU SEE THIS LACE ATROCITY?! (I’m not talking to you, Jenna.)
At The Only Motel In Rosewood, Spencer is CRAZY caffeinated and showing Toby all of her junior spying equipment. They convince a maid to let them in to room 214, where Toby finds Jenna’s glasses. They go searching for the bag, which Spencer finds in a closet. On a high shelf, exactly where a blind person would keep such an item. The bag’s empty.
Hanna’s house. Caleb comes home with her, and they start doing some “fluff ‘n fold,” which is I guess what the kids are calling it these days. Prozzie Mom is, of course, standing in the kitchen. She’s found Caleb’s bag! She wants him out! Hanna is wearing a face of indignation, which looks good with her amazing jacket. Hanna begs Prozzie Mom to reconsider, but she’s all, “We don’t lie to each other, Hanna!” Um. Since when? Hanna totally leaves. Prozzie Mom has a sad. Well, prozzie mom, it’s like the country song has always said: “Momma, don’t let your baby grow up to fuck unwashed homeless dudes. They’re always in your home, and you’re never alone, and they won’t cut their hair cause they’re keepin’ it reallll.”
Face of Indignation; Jacket of Amazing Tailoring.
Emily, meanwhile, is driving to the outskirts of Rosewood, or perhaps Louisiana, to some seedy bar. Kat from 10 Things is there, wearing a shirt that HAS SHOULDER CUT-OUTS. Oh, Kat from 10 Things. Emily has dressed for the occasion with a very low-cut tank top. Anyway. Emily is the first girl that Kat from 10 Things has ever kissed! They’re both wearing a lot of makeup! They are totes GONNA DO IT! Emily comes clean about having a crush on Alison, and Kat from 10 Things thinks Emily likes “ballsy women.” Well, you ain’t wrong there.
I think Christina Appelgate wore this exact ensemble in Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead.
At Fitz’s, Aria has lit candles and poured wine, clearly taking her cues on how to be a teenager from Elena Gilbert. Then Fitz totes ruins the mood by talking about Jenna. FITZ!
Caleb, meanwhile, has taken to camping outdoors. With Hanna. They’re roasting marshmallows! Life could be worse. Aww. And then Hanna tells him about all her summers at Fat Camp! Oh! I love you, Hefty Hanna! Caleb has to try to one-up her by talking about how he’s an abandoned kid. Not having parents does not give you license to wear that hat, Caleb. Anyway, Hanna’s unsure what to do with this discussion of abandoned children, so she shuts him up by kissing him.
I could go for some s’mores right now.
At The Most Awkward Lesbian Date Ever, Kat from 10 Things is singing karaoke. Man! Karaoke at dive bars populated by lesbians is the BEST! I spent many a college night doing just that. Kat from 10 Things coaxes Emily to the stage. Awww. They’re totally either going to become BFFs or have a steamy affair with a lot of scissor-sistering before breaking up and starting blogs about how much they hate each other and then starting fights at Pride Parade. IT COULD GO EITHER WAY!
“The closer I am to fiiiiiiiiiiine. . . “
At The Only Motel In Rosewood, Toby is getting tired of waiting for Jenna. But Spencer has Scrabble! Scrabble soothes all nerves. Only they’re both cheating, unless this is a new way of playing Scrabble that doesn’t have to start in the middle of the board. Spencer has spelled “Glyceraldehide,” which earns her 96 points, even though I don’t know what she could have built off of to make that word. Toby spells “Goofball,” off of Spencer’s G, which nets him 104 points. Spencer clearly wants to fuck his big brains out. That, or blow them out. Toby wants Spencer to loosen her tie (literally) and take off her jacket. He offers her some pyjamas to put on, then goes into the other room and conveniently leaves the door cracked enough so that Spencer can see his naked chest.
Obligatory man-chest shot.
At The Roadside Bar for Lesbians, Emily and Kat from 10 Things kiss goodnight.
At The Only Motel in Rosewood, Spencer lays down in bed next to bare-chested Toby.
At The Campground for Wayward Teens, Hanna and Caleb are totally going to DO IT. No! Hanna! Don’t do it there! It’s going to be so rocky! You’re going to be so sore later! Sigh. She doesn’t listen.
Daylight. Aria is at Emily’s, browsing through magazines, when Emily gets a text from Kat from 10 Things asking her out again. Awwww! Anyway, Aria’s avoiding Fitz, and tells Emily about how creeped out she is by all the Jenna questions. Aria wants to tell Fitz the truth about Jenna, but she made a promise not to! Emily thinks that Aria should tell him. Oh, Emily. Dumb move.
At The Only Motel in Rosewood, Spencer wakes up totally spooning Toby. Who, of course, pretends that he’s asleep but isn’t. Oh, Tobes. I’ve pulled that trick so many times. Almost always successful! They hear Jenna’s creepy flute music coming from next door, so they go into room 214 . . . but it’s just a recording. And the bag from Ian only has a bunch of ice and a note.
Have they tried tracking the sale of Post-Its in Rosewood?
At the Picnic of Dashed Lesbian Dreams, Kat from 10 Things tells Emily that she isn’t ready to come out of the closet yet. Emily is not so into that. She doesn’t want to go back to feeling ashamed! She can’t date Kat from 10 Things if she can’t do it in the open. Aww. Kat from 10 Things. It’ll be okay in a few years; I promise.
Kat from 10 Things, I don’t think you are as closeted as you think you are.
Aria shows up at Fitz’s. She’s come to tell him the truth! Fitz totally thinks she’s pregnant – I recognize that particular form of flop sweat. Um. Maybe. From tv.
Hanna comes home to find a very angry Prozzie Mom. Hanna is still mad! Prozzie Mom should be nicer to Caleb! If she hadn’t conveniently stolen money from a person who conveniently died, she’d be in the same position! Hanna storms off to shower, and Prozzie Mom answers Hanna’s phone call from Caleb. Dun dun dun!
Outside The Only Motel in Rosewood, Spencer’s about to go home. Toby enjoyed spending time with her. Then he plants one on her. Fucking finally, Toby; I think Pangaea reformed while you were waiting to do that.
Everyone is getting kisses! You get a kiss! You get a kiss!
Hanna’s house. Prozzie Mom is making dinner when Caleb arrives. She has invited him to dinner! For Hanna! And then she invites him to stay in the guest room. But if he hurts her daughter, she’ll probably chop off his balls with a paring knife.
At Fitz’s, Aria has come clean about the night that Alison blinded Jenna. Fitz tells her nothing has changed, and Aria thanks him for looking at her the same way he did yesterday. Like . . . jailbait?
Don’t worry, Aria; you’re just as young and impressionable as you were yesterday!
At Hanna’s, it’s time for beddy-bye! Prozzie Mom is warming up to Caleb! Which is about the right time for him to do something suspicious . . . like call someone on his cell phone and say, “I can’t do this anymore! It’s over! i’m out!”
At Spencer’s, there’s a police car in the driveway and an upset Melissa in the kitchen. Ian wasn’t at Hilton Head with Alison last summer, he was with Melissa! She was pregnant! They went to get an abortion (in SOUTH CAROLINA?), but Melissa lost the baby before she could go get her luxury abortion/pedicure/back exfoliation at the evil Planned Parenthood who will use your tax dollars to bedazzle women’s vaginas when they aren’t, oh yeah, providing basic fucking health services for 1 in 5 American women, who seem to be Enemy Number One in the House of Representatives.
Ugh! Okay, okay, I won’t get started on John Boehner and his posse of women-hating dickcheeses who want to move us all back to 1910. Instead I’ll rant about something else – why is it EVERY character who becomes unexpectedly pregnant on tv has a miscarriage RIGHT BEFORE having an abortion? Why? Why are we so scared to show abortion on tv? IT IS A LEGAL MEDICAL PROCEDURE THAT EVERY WOMAN IN AMERICA IS WELL WITHIN THEIR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS TO OBTAIN, IF SO DESIRED. Having an abortion does not make you evil, Women of TV; it makes you like a lot of other women in your viewing audience who found themselves in a similar situation and made the decision to terminate a pregnancy. AAARGH!! HULK SMASH!!!! All of my Party of Five-related angst is rearing its ugly head again, 15 years later!!!!
Whatever; I hate everything today. Moving on!
Anyway, Parents of Spencer come in and tell her that the cops know she was dating Ian. Garrett the baby!cop is there, looking guilty.
The girls all get a S.O.S. text from Spencer, and rush to her house, only to see her being put in a police car. Then they get a text from A – “Breaking news, bitches. Spencer Hastings Now Person of Interest . . . In My Death.” Oh, that A. A future at the New York Post, that one!
Credits. Someone was videoing the girls, and our Gloved Hand of Mystery watches the video, while eating popcorn and rocking in a chair. Oh, Gloved Hand of Mystery. So lame. Why are you eating popcorn with gloves on?
Man. Now I really want some popcorn.
That’s it for this week, bitches!