What’s up, bitches? I would like to send you all semi-threatening text messages which imply that I’m omnipotent and omniscient. Hey, remember that time this morning when you accidentally put your underwear on inside out? I DO. And I’m going to text you about it, right . . . now.
Seriously, how DOES A see everything? Even though I know who A is, I’m still not sure how that person knows EVERYTHING. Is A actually God? And if so, can A sort it so that I win the lottery soon? Thanks, A!
Previously on Pretty Little Liars, this stuff happened:
Hanna got run over by an A, dear. Noel saw Aria and Fitz kay eye ess ess eye en gee. Em’s gay. The world reacts to this news with shrugged shoulders. Em’s mother reacts by flipping the fuck out. Hanna isn’t interested, sexually, in Lucas. Dunno, Hanna, he may surprise you. The quirky ones are usually the craziest in the sack. The Memenchication was destroyed. Spencer is dating Alex, who has to WORK for a LIVING. Hanna’s Prozzie Mom stole money from an old lady. Ian and Melissa got married. A signed Hanna’s cast.
Hanna’s house. Hanna’s finally been released from the hospital, but is in a wheelchair. She’s trying to tape over A’s cast-signing with a Humpty Dumpty sticker. The irony is not lost on her. Hanna wants to know if Aria has asked Noel if he’s A. Aria says no. Lucas got Hanna a panda bear! It’s sweet! Maybe if it had been PedoBear, though. That might be more in line with this show. The girls leave, promising to check on Hanna later.
Hanna tries to get Pop Tarts down with her crutch and a box of lasagna with a large stack of money stuffed inside falls out of the pantry. Man! I wish that happened when I tried to get some Pop Tarts!
“I need some Money Lasagna, stat!”
Hanna is confused and nervous about the money. She gets a text – “like mommy, like daughter. Can you run from the law on those legs? -A” WHERE IS A HIDING? How does she know about the pop tarts/lasagna money?! Is s/he the one who stole the money out of my pop tarts box? I want those twelve cents back, A!
I think we should add another drinking game rule. Drink anytime A texts someone information that s/he has NO WAY OF KNOWING unless s/he has installed motion activated security cameras and bugs in every home, classroom and bus stop in town.
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
Ack! A Black Swan commercial!! NO!! I HAVE TO SLEEP! Don’t scar my brainpan again, Aranofsky; I can’t take it! Besides, this is ABC FAMILY. Is Black Swan really appropriate subject matter for a family-oriented channel? Can’t the preview for BS at least focus on something else, like the totes healthy relationship between Natalie Portman and Barbara Hershey? Or, um, Winona Ryder for like that 90 seconds when you didn’t know how batshit crazy her character was? Or how about those two minutes at the beginning when nothing was scary or weird? Those were a good two minutes! Those two minutes didn’t cause me to have nightmares!
Show. Hanna’s Prozzie Mom has bought her one of those pillows that prop you up, like people used to have in 1994. Hanna is all, why is there money in our dry goods? Hanna, I’d like to know why there ISN’T money in mine. Prozzie Mom is all, “The money came from the bank! It’s an unauthorized loan!” Um, yes. If that’s what you want to call larceny. Excuse me for a moment; I’m just going to take an unauthorized loan from my coworker’s purse. Prozzie Mom gets all upset that Hanna knows about the money and goes to wash the stench of poverty from her skin.
Em’s house. Awkward Family Meal. There’s actually talk about the contents of the sausage.That’s never a good topic of conversation at the breakfast table. Oh, but here’s another awkward convo topic: Maya’s coming over for dinner! Is there anything Maya doesn’t eat? Emily’s Mom wants to know. Nope, she eats everything! Including your daughter’s bits! (What? They were totally making the joke, I’m just helping them out.) Em’s worried that her mom will be rude to Maya, but Major Dad is like, “Don’t worry about it” and then goes back to eating his sausages. I swear, I’m not making this up.
Cute hat, cool car!
Spencer and Alex are making out in the middle of the street. A car could hit you, Spencer! For having to Work For A Living, Alex sure does have a sweet car. Spencer, on the other hand,has the greatest hat on. Spencer’s mom comes out of the coffee shop, trying to coordinate Ian’s moving in. He’s MOVING IN? I mean, getting eloped is one thing, but now he’s all, “Oh, bee tee dubs, new mom and dad, I’m moving into your house?!” Spencer thinks the whole thing is weird. I agree with Spencer.
They see Toby walk into the courthouse. Spencer is concerned. Her mom is all, “He’s being arraigned. Don’t worry about it.” Even though I’m pretty sure that it’s been more than 24 hours since his arrest. So why is he being arraigned this late? I hope Toby has a lawyer who has watched even one episode of Law and Order and knows that this is bullshit and files an immediate motion to dismiss based on violation of the writ of habeus corpus.
School. Aria Fashion Update!! Aria’s wearing a dress that I’m pretty sure she bought from the American Girl catalog. Like, 94% certain. Stick her hair in braids and throw on some wireless spectacles and she could be Molly.
Maya shows up and she and Emily flirt/talk about dinner. Emily wants Maya to wear a dress. Maya’s face looks like someone just ruined her only shirt. Oh, also Emily would like Maya to please not say words like “butch” or, presumably, “strap-on” because her parents only like lesbians who wear dresses and fuck men. Emily’s a little worried about dinner, because her parents have been acting strange lately.
Aria sees Noel. He smiles and waves at her. It’s weird. Even Aria thinks it’s weird, and she’s dressed like an American Girl.
English class. Fitz is teaching The Great Gatsby right now, which means that this week’s plot must be about rich people having affairs and killing each other and being in love with a woman with no redeeming characteristics whatsoever and also banging on a lot about the importance of the Aryan race. But in THREE DIMENSIONS. The bell rings and Aria stays behind to “get Hanna’s assignment” from Fitz. Is that what they’re calling it these days? Man. I’d like to Get Hanna’s Assignment. But from Ryan Reynolds, not Fitz. Except not if he’s dating Sandy. Cause she has a delicious restaurant and A Troubled Past, plus a cute kid, and I don’t want to get in the middle of that.
Aria tells Fitz about Noel writing the “I See You” message. Door’s open, by the way. Kids and teachers are walking back and forth through the hallway. I’m just sayin’. Also, Aria lies to Fitz and tells him that no one else knows. But that she doesn’t think Noel will cause any problems. Even though he creepily wrote a mildly accusatory message on the window of the car in which you two were doing it? Really, Aria?
Hallway. Em is telling Spencer how nervous she is about the dinner. Spencer’s still wearing her hat. I’m less thrilled with it now. Hats are not for indoor use. My father would knock that hat off your head, Spencer, and then tell you that you were going to your room without supper. Take the hat off!
Mona catches up with them. Mona . . . needs to learn to steal better clothes. Even Aria’s American Girl outfit would be better than what Mona’s got on. Come on, Mona. You have the entire shopping mall at your five-finger-discounted reach. Steal better, darling.
Mona wants to throw a surprise party for Hanna. Spencer is concerned that Hanna’s not quite ready for that. I’m sure that this won’t turn out bad at all!
Fitz’s room. Noel comes in to talk about his grade. By which he means, he wants a better one. Fitz is all, “Are you blackmailing me to give you a higher grade? Because that is totally immoral. And I should know, because I’m having sex with a sixteen year old.” Noel leaves.
Aria shows up in Fitz’s room to flirt with him in public some more. Fitz tells Aria that she’s not coming over to his apartment that night and alsothat Noel’s not a good dude. Aria – in front of the open door, at school, where anyone can see- grabs his hand and speaks with him earnestly about Their Special Love.And who should interrupt them but Jenna. She implies that she saw the hand clutching. Oh, that Jenna. She’s so wiley!
Alex is waiting for Spencer – who has finally taken off her hat – outside of school. Alex has info about some tennis club in Sweden. A club member recommended that Alex go. Spencer gets totally excited for him, but Alex is all, “I can’t go! I have to work for my uncle this summer. Some of us have to Work For A Living, Spencer! These vintage convertibles aren’t going to pay for themselves!” Spencer wishes Alex would go, but he doesn’t seem interested.
The face of a boy who has to Work For A Living.
Em’s house. Awkward Family Dinner + Maya. Maya can’t eat seafood, because she gets hives. Emily’s mom is annoyed. Oh, EMILY. This is your fault, honey. Maya is doing her best at being bubbly and charming (and is charming Major Dad), but Emily’s mom is appalled that Maya’s parents had her out of wedlock. OH MY GOD! A BABY! BEING BORN OUT OF WEDLOCK! But how will she be able to inherit her parents’ vast estate?? What will be written in the Family Bible? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. Emily’s mom just hates this whole thing, and then sees Maya playing footsie with Em under the table. So she goes and cries in the pantry. You know, I want to feel bad for Emily’s mom, here, I really do. It must be so hard to learn that your child
has died in a tragic accident has terminal cancer likes to set people’s pets on fire. Oh, what? She’s sad that her daughter happens to love a lady? Oh. Well then. Go fuck yourself, Emily’s mom.
Maya, you’ll never charm the SheBeast. Just slay her with Mr. Pointy instead. Then again, if you had a Mr. Pointy, Em’s Mom wouldn’t be so sad.
Hanna’s house. Mona is over and sees a shadow walk past the door. Hanna gets super scared and upset . . . but it’s the surprise party! Hanna’s about as thrilled as Emily’s mom typically is, particularly when Noel shows up.
Commercials. Ooh! It’s a preview for that SWF remake(ish) with Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly! This movie has been begging to be made since those two ladies were BORN. Hey, did you know that Leighton Meester was born while her mother was serving a prison sentence? Just a little trivia.
Hanna’s house. The party, it is kickin’. The bass, it is, you know. Thumpin’. Lucas is there, looking about as uncomfortable as one might imagine. Noel goes into the cabinet where the cash is stored to find something. That’s so rude! Hanna’s noticably nervous.
Flashback! Drink! There’s another party (at Hanna’s?)! Noel is being dumped by some girl, who has shown him a cell phone message/picture of something and then yelled at him and stormed off. Noel’s all, “Happy now?” at Alison, who looks bored. Aria’s got pigtails! And is wearing even weirder clothes than usual! Hanna’s covering her (non-existent) tummy with a bag of potato chips! Spencer is dressed like me, circa 1994. Alison sent Noel’s girlfriend some sort of text designed to break the two of them up, so that Aria can date Noel. The girls all look uncomfortable about it. Well, everyone but Alison. Alison looks smug, and vaguely constipated. It’s her usual look.
Present day. Hanna looks miserable. Lucas saunters over. He may be drunk. He’s definitely acting like a jerk. A drunk jerk. Oh, Lucas, don’t be This Guy. Sean the PK shows up. Lucas drunkenly makes fun of Sean. Bad idea, Lucas. Baaad idea.
Emily’s house. She thinks Maya aced the Parent Test. Oh, Emily, you fool. Maya will never ace your mother’s test, because Maya owns a vagina and wants to rub it against yours. They kiss, and Em’s mom walks in on them. Then Maya hugs Emily’s mom. Oh, Maya. Too soon, honey. Too soon.
Hanna’s house. Spencer wants to sneak away with Alex next weekend, possibly to line up their genitalia and rub them together to see if they can start a fire. They kiss and she sees Noel, which totes kills her ladyboner.
Aria gets to the party. She confronts Noel about the blackmail. He says that Fitz is lying and that he only asked that Fitz look at the essay again. Hmm! WHO TO BELIEVE?
Em’s house. She’s leaving to go to Hanna’s party and sees Toby sitting on his porch. She comes over to tell him that she didn’t turn him in. Toby’s on house arrest and feeling sorry for himself. He shows her his ankle monitor. Em leaves . . . and Toby goes back to trying to dissemble his ankle bracelet. Ruh roh.
Hanna’s house. Hanna and Aria discuss Fitz. In public. As per uhze. Hanna’s mostly just upset that Aria didn’t say anything before.
Alex is outside and mad for no reason. Spencer is all, “What the heck, dude? I thought we were going to make a campfire with our naughty bits!” Alex thinks Spencer sent in an application for him for the tennis camp, as he has just received an email saying he’s approved. (That fast??) Spencer denies any part of it. Alex dumps her. Spencer is sad. Alex is such a jerk. Spencer gets a text message: “point, set, match! xo, A” Aw, well, at least she got hugs and kisses! Also, HOW DOES A KNOW? Drink!
Hanna’s house. Sean the PK is holding court by telling embarassing stories about Hanna to Mona and assembled guests. Lucas is drunkenly snarking on him. Sean the PK is all, “I WILL PUNCH YOU NOW! SEAN SMASH!” Noel breaks it up, telling Sean that punching Lucas is “like fighting a kid that needs a telethon.” Kiss it, Noel. Hanna’d like to speak to Lucas outside. Lucas has Anger Issues, and starts talking about Alison. “Considering what the bitch did to me, I should have done worse to her!” What’s that?! Yep! Lucas destroyed the Memenchication! Hanna tells him that she won’t tell anyone. Lucas is all, “Don’t make me like you! It’s too hard!” Oh, Lucas. I LOVE YOU. He leaves.
Sean the PK comes out. Hanna asks him how well he knows Noel. Sean’s all, “Fire bad, tree pretty!” Hanna wants everyone to leave. Sean is annoyed. Oh, Sean. I hate you.
Meanwhile, Aria is trying to convince Spencer to call Alex, but Spencer can’t do that without explaining about A. There’s an extended metaphor about lobster cannibalism that I’ll gloss over in the interest of time and the contents of your stomach.
Toby’s house. He’s still sitting on the porch, trying to take off the ankle bracelet. Jenna comes out for some quality time with her sisterfucker. Toby tells Jenna that Emily didn’t turn him in. Jenna’s all, “I know. Cause I did!” Then she’s all, “Touch my bosoms!” Toby declines. She slaps him. I’m pretty sure I watched a porn that started out this way.
Like a darker-haired Cathy and Chris.
Hanna’s house. She’s picking up the trash from the party when she hears A Noise. Hanna’s freaked out and tries to get out of the house, but she’s in her wheelchair, so the going’s not easy. Then she sees a shadow outside the window.The shadow switches on the light . . . it’s Prozzie Mom! She’s all, “You had a party?” Then she checks the dry good cabinet. The cash is gone. ruh roh!! Prozzie Mom is PISSED. Oh, sure, Prozzie Mom! Get on your high horse. You can climb the stack of cash you stole from AN OLD WOMAN to get up there!
Em’s house. Emily’s mom is folding up the tablecloth. Emily’s house looks like Colonial Williamsburg. It makes me want to drink cider and put someone in the stocks. Em’s mom is clearly upset. Major Dad is being shipped off to Ft Hood by the end of the month. Emily thanks her mom for dinner. Emily’s mom is all, “You being a lesbian makes me sick! I want to vomit when I think about your sexual activities!” To be fair, I ALSO want to vomit when I think about my parents’ sexual activities, but not because I’m a homophobe. Just cause I think people who are related to me should never go past first base.
Spencer’s house. She and her dad discuss Ian’s many boxes. Spencer’s dad is not Ian’s biggest fan. Also, he spoke to a cop friend. The blood on Toby’s sweater was a match to Alison’s. Spencer’s all, is that it? Her dad tells her that he thought she’d be pleased, since “it’s over” now. Spencer goes over to look at Ian’s stuff and sees his golf clubs, with a tag from Hilton Head resort.
Flashback! Drink! A bubbly, tanned Alison is returning home from an absence. It’s the day of her disappearance. Spencer sees Alison’s bags – she was at Hilton Head, though she was supposed to be visiting her grandmother. Hmm.
Back from giving head at the Hilton.
Hanna’s house. Prozzie Mom is very upset and angry that the money she stole from an old lady was stolen from her. Then she steals medicine from her 16 year old daughter. Huh. I wonder why Hanna has so many issues. Hanna opens one of her pill bottles . . . and finds a hundred dollar bill. With a note: “You’ll get your $$$ back. If you do what I say. Sweet dreams. -A” Oh, that A! S/he gets into everything!
Credits. The Gloved Hand of Mystery is feeding folded up Benjamins into a clown penny bank. Of COURSE it’s a clown. Of course.
That’s it for this week, bitches! Next week I am forcing my poor boyfriend to watch this with me, so the recap may offer the commentary of two drunk people, instead of just one. I can’t tell you how thrilled he is with the idea.