Holla, FYAers! I’ve missed you all so much! I’m just back from England, and I’m so glad to set foot on American soil, where there are no delicious noodles, or ponies who lick my hand, or charmingly cranky church organists who tell me their (unsavory) opinion of the deceased People’s Princess, and frenzied catch-ups with beloved friends over dim sum and forcing bargaining with my boyfriend to watch My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding . . .
Oh, wait. No. What’s the opposite of glad? I’m whatever that is.
At least I have Pretty Little Liars to soothe my troubled soul. After all, at least I’m not being stalked by some mysterious person who may or may not be the ghost of my dead friend, right? . . . Right?
Let’s catch up with what went on while I was away last week. Can the Fierce Foursome hope to compete for my television affections again? Are any of them as pathetic as Sad Lucy on Take Me Out, the best dating show ever? WE SHALL SEE.
Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Mona threw a party for Hanna and Lucas was drunk. Lucas loooooves Hanna. Emily’s mom is a bitchy bitch who would greatly benefit from sharing a joint with her daughter’s girlfriend and then going off to fuck her hot husband. Aria’s Forgettable Brother has heard that Fitz is banging a student. Prozzie Mom stole some money. The girls were sent a video of Alison and Ian. And they’re all shocked, EVEN THOUGH they knew they were having an affair.
Show. The girls are watching the video of Alison and Ian. It’s one of those things I hate – where they repeat a scene from the previous episode but have completely different (i.e. non-cliffhangery) reactions. Bleh. Hanna thinks that the muffled moaning could just mean that they’re having sex. Everyone else thinks Ian’s a murdering murderer who murders.
Just four girls, hanging out and watching porn. As per uhz.
Ian comes in! He is hilariously walking around the kitchen, unaware of his frozen face on the computer screen, while the girls all look like they’re shitting bricks.
(Originally I wrote “shitting brits.” Clearly England is still on the brain, but also, that would be harder to do, no?)
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
The commercials remind me that I UNFORTUNATELY missed the Mean Girls sequel while I was out of town. That’s so upsetting. I may need therapy for years to get over this. ALSO stop letting the stars of 10 Things I Hate About You star in crappy unnecessary sequels and instead BRING BACK 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU.
Show. School. Aria and Em are hanging a banner for the school dance. Hanna is supervising, much in the same way I supervise; i.e. do something else entirely. Sean the PK approaches carrying a cardboard cutout of Barack Obama. I don’t even know. I mean, I always appreciate a picture of our President in a tux, cause the man be fine, but what? Apparently Hanna has accidentally ordered six Baracks and no Michelles. But why would she order any Baracks or Michelles? Why are there cardboard cutouts of the First Family at a school dance? What is the theme of this dance? And, more to the point, why didn’t she order 100 Sashas and Malias and then send me one of each so that I could have tea parties with them?!
Is that a weird dream? I can’t help it! They’re just so cute! And I think they could probably give me style advice.
Anyhoo. Spencer comes in, dressed like a junior account executive at an ad agency who is doubling as an airline steward. Who comes from Sweden, because she has Heidi braids. Spence? When ARIA is dressing more normally than you are, THAT’S BAD, OKAY.
Spencer is unsure whether they should show the video to the cops. I’m unsure why you went out in public dressed like that, Spence. Emily thinks the video will vindicate Toby. Aria says she’ll drive Spencer to the police station at lunch.
EEE! Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, has arrived!! And she has Simone! Aria’s ex-babysitter! Who, more importantly, is ALONA TAL FROM VERONICA MARS! MEG! Don’t get knocked up while in Rosewood, okay? Bad things will happen to you! Your creepy parents will be creepy and then Sherriff Lamb will ask the wizard for a heart and I’ll be entirely skeeved out!
Anyway, Simone is here to talk to Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride’s, class about being a writer. Aria asks her to stay for Fitz’s English class as well. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, totally tries to hook up Simone and Fitz. Awwwwkward.
Outside, Emily is trying to call Maya at the Scared Straight program. No luck. Apparently, they’ve reprogrammed Maya’s phone so that she can only receive calls from her parents. Hanna offers to have Em’s phone “upgraded” by Caleb, the sketchy new tech/drug dealer on campus. Um. How does that help Maya? It’s her phone that’s been jacked with, not Emily’s.
On her way to getting Em’s phone juiced, Hanna runs into Lucas. He walks away from her without saying anything. Oh! Lucas!
The girls are in the courtyard for lunch. They’re about to go to the cops with Spencer’s laptop, only Hanna notices (from her laptop) that Spencer’s laptop is online. But Spencer’s laptop is in her bag! . . . Isn’t it?
Okay, seriously, Spencer. WHY?
Nope. It’s been replaced. Who could have done it? All signs point to Ian, who has access to the girls’ locker room, since he’s the Field Hockey coach.
Commercials. Boy, I wish Adam Sandler would stop finding work. Also, I wish Molly Ringwald wouldn’t have that haircut.
Show. Emily sees the tech/drug dealer and bargains with him to get her phone fixed up faster. This guy is seriously acting like he’s dealing brown, or something. It’s a PHONE. Anyway, this guy is clearly trying to replace Toby in the Sketchy Creeper section of Emily’s heart.
Just say no to tech upgrades, kids.
Hanna, meanwhile, is trying to find a job. She gets turned down from a clothing store, because Prozzie Mom owes them money. Oh, Prozzie Mom. Always fucking shit up with your poverty. Anyway, Hanna gets a text – “Wanna keep Mommy out of prison? I’ve got a job for you. -A” ALSO, I can’t tell if it’s just my tv screen, but it looks like A puts a tilde in her text. Oh, A. That’s a lot of work, honey. You have to go to Alt Text twice to get to that button! No one appreciates the hard work that A puts into her bitchery.
Nope, it looks like it’s just my tv screen.
Fitz’s apartment. Aria is there, with coffee and baked goods. Fitz is busy reading Simone’s short stories. He’s about to meet Simone for coffee! Aria is, you know. Not pleased. And then makes a desperate attempt to be important in her boyfriend’s life. Oh, Aria.
Love me, older boyfriend!
Spencer’s house. Ian is eating a sandwich. Menacingly. Spencer asks him if he’s seen her laptop. Ian has not. But he’ll be a chaperone at the dance! That won’t be weird at all, I’m sure. There’s a bunch of double talk about gossip, etc.
Who knew a turkey on rye could be so scary?
The dance. Everyone has numbers on their back. There’s some sort of sponsorship going on in this dance, which I really don’t understand. Maybe they have to dance until their feet fall off. That’d be nice. Emily, meanwhile, is lurking around and sees Ian locking up his laptop bag in the Athletics office. Then he puts the keys in his coat. Then puts the coat in bagcheck! Oooh!
Oh, good, someone is going to explain the rules of the dance. They have to dance without stopping. Then the girls start talking about murder again, damnit. I WANT TO HEAR THE RULES OF THE DANCE!
Outside, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, and Actor/Director Chad Lowe have an awkward meet-up. Oh, good, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, has explained the rest of the rules. So! Everyone has sponsors! A certain amount of money per dance! The more dances a person completes, the more money the sponser gives! DIZANG. I’d like to have a danceathon in my living room. I could totally make a couple thousand bucks, easily.
Simone is at the dance! She has a crush on Fitz! Poor Aria!
Spencer and Hanna are stalking Ian, but Lucas has his eyes on Hanna.
Tech Dealer shows up with Emily’s phone. Hanna is annoyed with him, but I sense an enterprising new job for our poor Hanna. Oh, but, just then! A job offer! Via text from A – “Job description: Heartbreaker. $200 for each dance with Lucas. -A” Oh. That is just COLD.
Dance. Spencer and Aria are trying to get Ian’s key; Hanna is telling Sean the PK that she wants to dance with Lucas. Sean is annoyed and stalks off. Hanna asks Lucas to dance. Oh, Lucas.
Outside, Em’s on the phone with Maya. The phone convo isn’t going as she’d hoped, I think. Maya’s actually really happy at Scared Straight. And is distant with Emily.
Em, just cause you’re a lesbian does not mean you can wear those shoes with that dress.
Inside, Simone is flirting with Fitz in the coat room. Aria shows up and Simone embarasses her by telling stories of Aria’s youth. Aria gets the keys from Ian’s coat and hands them off to Spencer.
The coat room of lurve. Well, Fitz is certainly a step up from Duncan.
Meanwhile, Hanna and Lucas are now on their second dance. It is a slow one, based on the swaying motion of the other couples. Lucas has a wistful face and a semi. Oh, Lucas.
Aria sees Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, out in the hall and asks how long Simone plans to stay. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, thinks Aria shouldn’t be jealous of the time Simone’s spending with Fitz. Simone will still like her, too! Oh, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride. Your lack of knowledge about the situation is comical.
Sean the PK is annoyed with the fact that Hanna has danced five dances with Lucas. MAN! Hanna’s made a grand in like 20 minutes! I need her job. She gets a text from A, offering $500 for each dance with Lucas. Oh, Lucas.
Spence is skulking around the Athletics office, trying to get to Ian’s laptop bag. The tech/drug dealer sees her. Whoops. After the commercial break, Spencer tries to explain. The tech druggie gives Spencer some grief, until she offers to pay him off.
Meanwhile, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, and Actor/Director Chad Lowe are dancing! He asks her out, and there’s some extended metaphor about pizza which I do not care to relate.
The pepperoni is our love but the cheese is a metaphor for how you keep smothering me.
Emily is in the coat closet and finds the flask that Hanna snuck in to her (unzipped) purse. Hanna, you idiot. Strap that shit to your thigh if you’re going to sneak it into a dance. Erm. Not that I know from experience, or anything. Moving on.
Spencer relates her tale of being caught to Aria, and says Tech Druggie wouldn’t take any money. Aria, meanwhile, is eagle-eying Fitz and Simone, who are obvs flirting. Aria is Angry with a capital A and goes off to confront Fitz, but Spencer cuts in before Aria can make a loud public scene.
Emily is outside, getting drunk. Hanna comes out to partake, but Emily’s taken all of it. Em asks Hanna why she is dancing with Lucas, and compares it to Alison always flirting with Emily. Hanna feels sad and guilty and probably desirous of carbs. And then gets a text from A, of course. “You have Lucas’ heart. Now rip it out. Last dance $1000. -A” Don’t do it, Hanna! You’ve already made a couple grand tonight, and this way A will up the ante for next time! You can’t kow-tow to every demand, you know. It limits your exclusivity.
Hanna reenters the dance-a-thon. Sean the PK apologizes for being a jerk, but Hanna says she has to dance with Lucas. To, by the way, Fay Wolf’s cover of The Outfield’s “I Just Wanna Use Your Love Tonight.” Fay Wolf is one of those artists who I would have loved in high school because she was referencing cool bands a lot but whom I have limited patience for as An Old, because clearly if you are going to name your closet-organization company after 80s New Wave, you go with Joy Division and NOT New Order, which is the sad, milquetoast variety of that band, but without Cousin Ian’s brilliance. (Even though, yes, I get the joke with the name.) Sean dumps Hanna. Lucas comes over to comfort her. Hanna dances with him, crying.
You know what would make you feel better, Hanna? If you put your tongue in Lucas’s mouth.
Spencer and Aria catch sight of drunk Emily, who is trying to make a dress out of curtains. She drunkenly approaches Ian and accuses him of murder. Well, not exactly.She slurs something like, “eyez knosh wha yoush did lash shummer!” Emily, by the way, is a totally hot drunk. Ian then creepily forces Spencer to dance and asks what Emily was talking about. Spencer makes up a lie – that Emily knows they kissed last summer. Ian is mildly threatening about it all, so, business as uhz.
Outside, Emily has moved on to Hilarious Drunk, which is the best drunk to be! Spencer convinces Hanna and Emily to sleep at her house. Lucas comes up to ask Hanna if he can take her home. He looks all bashful and hopeful. Oh, Lucas. Hanna, JUST DATE HIM. For a little while, at least! Then he’ll be happy you gave him a shot and you can have a nice boyfriend for once and neither of you have to do it, cause he’s most likely gay anyway! Anyway, Hanna declines the ride, and then notices a giant wad of cash in her pocket. That is my dream!
Outside the school, Aria and Fitz are having one of their ill-advised conversations about their illegal relationship in public. Fitz is in love with Aria! But can’t kiss her! Cause people are around! This is exactly like the time that I dated Famous Celebrity Ryan Reynolds! Only with less abdominal goodness!
At Spencer’s house, Emily tries to drunk dial Maya, but Hanna stops her and tucks her into Spencer’s bed. Man, Spencer is a good friend; Emily is 100% going to puke in about an hour, and Spencer has really nice sheets.
Downstairs, Spencer and Hanna discuss Emily’s drunken drunkeness. And then Hanna spots Spencer’s laptop, just sitting there on the coffee table. The video’s been erased! Well! If only they knew a Tech Druggie who could restore wiped files!
Meanwhile, a new picture has shown up on Spence’s laptop, of Alison from the night she died. With a caption! “Watch your backs. I didn’t – A” Hanna sees a shadow in the photo – someone is following Alison in the picture! Does Spencer have any idea who it could be? Her mouth says no; her face says “read the spoilers on Wikipedia.”
Credits. The coat room. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, nicely hands an unknown figure a dark coat . . . and the black gloves of drama and intrigue. Ruh roh!
Our recap of last night’s episode will be up tomorrow! THINGS ARE GETTING CRAZY, YOU GUYS. So tune in, same bat time, same bat channel, for my cough-syrup-with-codeine-inspired take on what’s happened this week.