What’s up, little liars? This show is going a little bit crazyballs, no? I mean, all this shizz keeps happening, and A still seems to know EVERYTHING. How, A? How?
Let’s see what our lovely tiny prevaricators have in store for us this week!
Previously on Pretty Little Liars:
Hanna thinks Noel is A. He knows about Fitz and Aria. A stole the lasagna money. Emiliy’s mom is horrible. That one FBI agent shows the girls the tape, cause remember that no one knows who killed Alison? Yeah, that’s still a mystery. The girls find the Alison + Ian = Sexytimes tree trunk. Ian and Melissa get hitched. Melissa is so very tanned. Alison went to Hilton Head . . . with Ian?
Show. Spencer’s house. She’s lurking around in the dark, eavesdropping on Ian and Melissa’s conversation. Melissa looks upset. Spencer makes a sound on the stairs and runs away. Melissa and Ian look upset that they could have been overheard.
Spence runs up to her room, where she has an email, of course, from A. “Married for love or an Alibi? – A.” DRINK! HOW DOES SHE KNOW THAT? It’s late, A! SHOULDN’T YOU BE IN BED? WHEN DO YOU SLEEP? Are you actually a robot?
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
House of Spencer, daytime. Spencer is fixing coffee when Ian comes in. Ian tells Spencer that he and Melissa are moving to Philly. Ian would like Spencer to think of him as family. The kind of family that has sex with their siblings, I bet. Well, Chris and Cathy could show them how. Spencer asks if Ian has ever been to Hilton Head and then tells him that Alison was there – that she disappeared the night she returned from there. Ian casually fries some eggs while telling Spence that he hasn’t been to Hilton Head in years. Uh huh.
Aria’s woodland dwelling. Actor/Director Chad Lowe is making Aria and her brother breakfast. He feels pretty proud of himself, because he managed to put the food on the plate and ALSO bring it to the table. Baby steps, Actor/Director Chad Lowe, baby steps.
Actor/Director Chad Lowe went out with Child Bride Holly Marie Combs last night – and learned that she was dating other people. Mike The Angry Teen is very angry.
At The One Place in Town to Eat Breakfast, Spencer and Emily are eating breakfast. MAN! Everyone eats so much breakfast on this show! In high school, my breakfasts consisted of a small bag of cheese-its and a Mountain Dew, which I would buy at the gas station near school.
Spencer is on the phone, using a ridiculous “Southern” accent to get info from Hilton Head’s front desk about Ian. My boyfriend, who is English, is mocking Spencer’s accent in his own, um, unique attempt at an American accent, which sounds a bit like Truman Capote, but gayer. “Her accent’s rubbish! She’s clearly not American, like the rest of us! God bless America! And robots!”
Spencer clearly thinks Ian is Alison’s killer. Emily’s not so sure. Spence thinks that Emily should be happy; at least she doesn’t think Toby is the killer. Emily stresses that the only thing Toby has done wrong is lie. Well, I mean. That, and the sisterfucking. And the remand violations. But whatever. Em thinks that if lying were a crime, they’d all be in jail. Just then, Agent Cooper ominously exits The One Place To Eat Breakfast In Town and greets the girls. Man! She’s still here? This town isn’t NEARLY as exciting as Twin Peaks, plus there’s no pie, so I don’t know why Cooper feels the need to hang around here.
Prozzie Mom drops Hanna off at The One Place In Town To Eat Breakfast. Hanna feels guilty about someone stealing the money that Prozzie Mom stole from an old woman. Prozzie Mom tells Hanna that the “unauthorized loan” is only a felony if someone finds out about it. Nice lesson for your kid, lady.
Hey, Hanna’s out of her cast! And in a mini-skirt! I guess . . . she has no scars from her accident? And three months have passed? And we’re in a twilight world where Ian and Melissa’s honeymoon lasted the same amount of time that someone with a compound fracture in her leg needs to recuperate? Huh.
Spencer gets off the phone. She looks upset. Agent Cooper mentions that she’s leaving town, since Toby has been caught. She leaves. Guess what? Ian was at Hilton Head the same time as Alison!
School. The four girls discuss the facts of the case. They’re all still convinced that A is Noel. Noel is outside, by the way, talking to Aria’s brother. Who, even though I’d JUST SEEN HIM in a previous scene, I still couldn’t recognize. Whatever! I’m drunk! Moving on!
Hey, it’s Maya! Hey Maya! She can come over to visit, even though Major Dad is gone. Hanna’s so chuffed for them. Spencer is, you know, taking her first steps towards Having A Friend Who Is A Lesbian, so expect for her to show up at Emily’s house at some point with a volume of Sappho and a kd lang cd, hoping to bond, or whatever.
Fitz’s room. He’s writing on the chalkboard. Doesn’t he get chalk on his nice little vests? You’d think. Noel lurks behind him. He’s here for his daily dose of blackmail. Fitz eventually caves and promises him a better grade.
“How DARE you besmirch my upstanding moral character of student-fucking with your blackmail, sir? I SAY GOOD DAY.”
Boyfriend: “Why is the teacher the same age as the students?” Me: “So no one on a family network gets squicked out by the fact that a 25 year old is fucking a 15 year old.”
Hanna is at her locker. She opens it and there’s a 100 dollar bill taped to the mirror! MAN! WHY DOESN’T THAT HAPPEN TO ME?! There’s a note on the Benj – “Go to 21 Main St. Ask for Hefty Hanna’s order. -A” Aww. Hefty Hanna!
Aria and Emily show up. Toby’s back in school. Aww. Someone’s written Killer on his locker in red paint! Oh, Tobester, even your weird butt chin doesn’t deserve this. Some little chubby dude with Ralph Wiggum hair gets in Toby’s face and is all, “Murderer!” Oh, Asian Ralph Wiggum. You are a dick.
Lucky Leon’s Cupcakes! Hanna is there! She gets a text from A telling her that she has to eat every cupcake in the box. And then NOEL shows up. And keeps looking at Hanna. Hmm. Aww, the cupcakes look like piggies. Oh, Hanna. I’ll help you eat them!
Hanna is sadly eating her cupcakes. Oh, Hanna! No one should ever be sad while eating cupcakes! Some football players sit by her and make fun of her for eating the cupcakes. You are FOOTBALL PLAYERS at a small cupcake bakery! I don’t think you have room to tease someone else.
Flashback! Drink! Sad, chubby Hanna (i.e. not all that chubby, just with a bit of a spare tire round the middle) is sadly finishing a giant bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. It makes me sad to see someone sadly eating ice cream! There’s nothing sad about ice cream! The bell rings. Hanna rushes to destroy the food evidence, but Alison walks in and sees anyway. And then . . . Alison is nice? That can’t be right! Oh. Oh, no, then Alison shows Hanna how to binge and purge. Oh, nice.
Eating disorders develop overnight and end just as quickly! No need to watch for warning signs or behavior patterns, folks!
Present day. Hanna’s totally going to puke up those cupcakes. Sad.
Emily’s house. Emily’s mom overhears Emily and Maya giggling on the bed. Em’s mom freaks out. And then basically kicks Maya out. Oh, Emily’s mom. I’m so glad that someone is around to carry on the bitchy legacy now that Alison’s dead. Emily is ashamed of her mother. Quite right, Emily!
Hanna’s Cupcakes of Shame. Ooh, they’re red velvet! HOW CAN YOU BE SAD WHEN YOU ARE EATING RED VELVET CUPCAKES?! Aria sees her (Hanna had previously blown off Aria’s request to hang out after school by saying she had a PT appointment). Hanna gets a text from A – “you know how to get rid of it.” Oh, Hanna. Aria comes over and banishes the mean jocks with a wave of her woodland nymph hand. Hanna tells Aria about the binging and purging. Aria and Hanna spend approximately one minute discussing the dangers of eating disorders. Minute’s up! Let’s go back to our everyday program!
Hanna’s in the bathroom and washes her hands, eyeing the toilet. And then she goes to get a paper towel and A has replaced the towels! With some of the missing money! Oh, that wiley A.
Em’s house. Emily’s mom is snooping in her daughter’s bedroom, as you do when you suspect your child may be into drugs or same sex genitalia. She sees Maya’s bookbag, so she snoops through that, too. Oh, Emily’s mom. She finds a mix cd Emily made for Maya and a small Altoids tin . . . with MARIJUANA IN IT. OH NO!!! Not only is Maya a lesbian POC who was born before her parents were married but NOW SHE SMOKES POT TOO. WHAT IS THIS I CAN’T EVEN.
School. Fitz is grading papers. Noel has arrived to get his new grade. Which is the same as his old grade – a C. Noel isn’t exactly pleased. Fitz is basically like, do your worst!
Spencer is out running and sort of stalking Toby, who is walking past the cupcake place. They are really getting their money’s worth out of the cupcake set. Everyone is yelling at Toby. Even little kids run away. Toby’s buttchin is sad and he goes off to sit in an alley to cry. I think Spencer is convinced that Toby isn’t to blame for Alison’s murder.
Tears for fears . . . of his sisterfucking, buttchin ways.
Emily’s house. Em’s Bitchy Mom asks Emily if she is stoned. This is, like, the worst PSA episode ever. First EDs and now drugs. Emily’s mom forbids her from seeing Maya, and then tells her that Major Dad is as disappointed in Emily as she is. Lies! Major Dad loves Emily! He’s the hottest, most majorist dad evs!
My boyfriend just compared this show to a telenovela. But, since he doesn’t actually know what telenovelas are, instead he described it as “like those shows where everyone speaks Spanish and it’s very dramatic and usually there’s a priest.” I’m assuming he means telenovelas. Maybe he means a dubbed version of The Da Vinci Code.
Aria’s woodland abode. Actor/Director Chad Lowe would like everyone to sit down to dinner, just as soon as he takes this phone call. Aria uses this time to ask Mike if he’s friends with Noel. Mike has been hanging out with Noel for a while. Noel told Mike that Fitz had an affair with “one of his students” and that he was going to tell the principal. Aria comes close to confessing to her dad . . . but then ditches for “Spencer’s house.”
Fitz’s apartment. Aria shows up. Fitz says the hiding is over! Fitz looks drunk. He’s going to resign and leave Rosewood. He won’t let Noel change his innocent student-fucking into something that feels wrong. Aria tells Fitz that she loves him. Then, presumably, they bone.
Sexy kissing time with sexy student!
Spencer’s house. She is studiously highlighting things. Then she decides to sneak into Ian’s stuff, but Melissa comes in, unpacking things from the grocery store. She accidentally knocks over an ovulation kit. Melissa’s trying to get pregnant! Um! That’s fast! Melissa would rather have a baby than an MBA in Wharton. Fair enough, Mel, but that baby isn’t going to give you an instant 6-figure starting salary. Ian shows up to be menacing, as per uhz.
Hanna’s house. She has collected six hundred dollars’ worth of lasagna money! Hanna is going to cook lasagna. For dinner. Prozzie Mom is doubtful about this turn of events. Hanna shows her the money. Prozzie Mom’s all, “How’d you get this money?” Hanna tells her the truth, of sorts. Prozzie Mom condones her daughter’s theft.
Aria is on the phone, telling her dad that she’s staying at Spencer’s. But of course she’s at Fitz’s, so that they can continue their Romantical Boning.
School. Spencer has told Hanna about the Melissa Wanting a Baby idea. Emily shows up, upset. Maya’s been sent to Juvie Camp for three months! This is . . . the opposite of the books, in which Em’s mom sends her to a Scared Straight camp. Hmph.
Fitz sadly exits his schoolroom. He passes Aria in slow-motion. Man. What do people do in real life when they want to be sad about something? Slow motion doesn’t exist. Unless they just walk comically slowly while playing some plaintive girl rock on their boombox.
But, wait! The principal and a cop have opened up Noel’s locker! And he has the answers to different exams in there! The principal will never believe a word Noel says. Fitz’s job and his inappropriate relationship with a child is SAVED!
Aria gets a text, of course, from A. “A is for Alison not Amateur.” Ooh, burn! It ain’t Noel at all! The girls, it seems, have all received similar texts.
Spencer’s house. The girls, minus Emily,are wondering why A is all of a sudden doing something nice for them. Melissa walks in. Melissa, now that’s she’s married, is a ball of sunshine who never has to have ambitions again. Well, that’s definitely something to look forward to. Emily comes in. Spencer has something for her in her room. All the girls are smiley and happy.
Maya’s there! Lighting a fuckton of candles! She isn’t leaving till tomorrow! I guess they’re going to have romantic genitalia rubbing on Spencer’s bed. I hope they don’t start a fire.
Downstairs, the girls are going through Ian’s stuff. Someone is spying on them from outside.
Upstairs, tender lesbian lovemaking which doesn’t actually involve any kissing or sex, since, you know, America is scared of the Gays.
Downstairs, Ian has quite the comic book collection. Maya and Emily come downstairs. Well! That was fast! Teenagers! No sense of self-control, Whoever is spying on the girls sees Emily kiss Maya goodbye. The girls get a text. “Don’t say I never gave you anything. Turn on your computer. -A” The girls turn on their computer; it’s the video of Alison. This time, the video pans around to show Ian . . . and keeps going to where Ian knocks the camera on the ground. There are noises which could be a struggle but are probably just sex, and then Alison’s hand enters the frame, hitting the ground.
Credits. Whoever is spying on the girls runs away into the woods. Drama! Intrigue! Or something!
That’s it for this weeks, folks! Next week I’ll be in London, so I’ll be back with TWO weeks’ worth of PLL recaps the week after. I KNOW. It’s so exciting we can all barely stand it. They’d better not reveal who A is while I’m gone!