What’s up, PLL fans? Did anyone spend their President’s Day watching the Pretty Little Liars marathon on ABC Family? Did anyone actually know it was President’s Day until they went to the bank and realized it was closed? Does anyone actually know why we celebrate this dumb holiday, except to save on Amazing Mattress Sales? I mean, those dudes were PRESIDENTS. They already got a personal chef, a kickass pad and, occasionally, their faces on money. They get a DAY too?
Also, I doubt the current president gets the day off for Presidents’ Day, and isn’t that sort of lame? I mean, sorry Obama, the REST of America gets to go to Macy’s 3-day Presidents Day Weekend sale and watch Pretty Little Liars! You have to try to stop Batshit Crazy Gadhafi from shooting his people from the sky. And THAT’S why it sucks to be Prez.
Previously on Pretty Little Liars: Toby got arrested, but the DA is dropping the charges, Aria’s dad isn’t a fan of Fitz, Hanna lets Caleb the Tech Druggie stay at her place, Kat from 10 Things lays smoochies on Em, Melissa wants Spencer to stop hating Ian, and also stop wearing horrible berets, Aria’s dad is now a fan of Fitz.
Show. Auditions! Lots of people are wearing shoes, or aren’t! Everyone seems to be trying out for this play. Ooh! They’re trying out for The Bad Seed! Oh man, Aria and Hanna are bagging on The Bad Seed! OH NO YOU DIDN’T. The Bad Seed is my FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME. OF ALL TIME! Anyway, Hanna’s worried that A will tell her mom about Caleb staying over. Mona comes over to brag about her audition. Aria is . . . Aria is wearing a top that can best be described as something the costume department might have for a character who is a waiter. A poor costume department. A costume department comprised of blind people. A Jenna costume department.
I mean, seriously, what is this I cannot even.
Spencer and the rest of the girls (sans Mona, obvs) tease Aria about dating Fitz, who is directing the play. The girls want to hang out with Aria and Fitz as a couple! Sorry, the mere text didn’t imply the level of teasing going on. The girls want to hang out with Aria and Fitz as a couuuuuppllleeeeeeee. SMOOOOOOOOOOCHIES.
Jenna appears, to bring everyone down. She’d like to compose some tense flute music for the play. The Bad Seed is so inspiring! She’s fascinated by the nature of evil! Oh, Jenna.
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
Commercials. WHAT. There is a book trailer for James Patterson’s Angel and it looks . . . well, it looks like the book probably is. That’s not a compliment. Also I think the tiny Angel kid might have a mustache. It’s rare for a kid of eight to have so much facial hair. WHO DIRECTED THIS THING?
Show. Spencer is wearing the signature pigtail braids of one little Miss Rhoda Penmark, investigating the sound of a baby crying in her living room. Then she is grabbed! It’s obvs a dream, though when Spencer wakes up, she’s still wearing the Rhoda braids.
Downstairs, Ian is taping boxes. Ian’s packing up some of his old high school/college crap to make room for the baby that isn’t coming for seven more months. Ian didn’t have anything to do with Alison’s death, bee tee dubs, but he does say that Ali was a psycho stalker, obsessed with him.
At Hanna’s, Prozzie Mom is wondering where all the food has gone. I KNOW WHERE IT HAS GONE:
Hanna asks Prozzie Mom if Caleb can stay over, officially. Prozzie Mom is all, no way, small child. Also, Prozzie Mom is being shot with Ye Olde Vaseline Lens Of Movies Past. What’s with the olde timey video lens? Or am I just that drunk? Is Clark Gable going to come kiss her now? That’d be cool.
Fitz’s. Aria’s showed up, wearing a hat, of course. So, so many hats on this show. Why so many hats? Is no one worried about hat hair? Fitz is looking younger these days. I think it’s his hair, which he does not constrain with a hat. But I’m not buying it, PLL producers. HE IS STILL TOO OLD FOR HER. Or at least he will be, until she graduates. Then they should totes get it on! Aria has blonde highlights, out of nowhere! Fitz has a muscle tee on! I don’t know why I’m so excited, but I am! Anyway, Fitz tells Aria that Spencer and Hanna are both going to be in the play, and Aria petitions to be stage manager. She convinces him with her magical vagina.
Everybody’s got something to hide except Fitz and his monkey.
Hanna’s. Caleb’s in the shower, but she needs her mascara, so she comes in. And then Prozzie Mom comes back! So Hanna has to pop in the shower with Caleb! It’s all naked and steamy! Hanna’s hair, remarkably, stays perfectly voluminous. Caleb catches Hanna checking out his ass. (Not his package, though, because this is ABC Family, and genitalia doesn’t exist on this network.)
School. Emily and Spencer are hanging out. Spencer’s wearing clothes that she’s picked off of a Jonestown cadavar. ABC Family tried to convince me that the 70s were coming back, but I really hope they’re not. Unless it’s the wide proliferation of LSD. Then, maybe.
Emily wants to see Toby, so she asks Spencer if she can drop off Toby’s French book. And then! They see Ian and Jenna talking! And Ian hands Jenna a bag! Right out in the open, so, um, I HOPE that they’re not assuming Ian and Jenna are being secretive. Because both Ian and Jenna are smarter than that, although not by much.
Play rehearsal! Mona wants to know whether Hanna is into Caleb or not, using the most obnoxious “tattle-tale” voice evs. You know, normally I don’t do this in the interest of spoiling, but, um. Check how Mona talks and see if it reminds you of anyone you know. Fitz is fumbling all through the meeting, because he’s all nervous, and then Ian shows up in the middle of rehearsal, which is even more awkward. Mona leaves to “hit the vendy” and get a snack. Everyone’s all, I can’t believe you ever kissed Creepy Ian, Spencer, but she says that, actually, back then everyone wanted a little Hot Ian Action, which leads us to: a flashback! Drink!
At the frat party, Alison’s handing out fake IDs to the girls. Right in front of the “bouncer.” There is some obligatory Faux Lesbian dancing on tables, in order to explain that this is COLLEGE. Someone will soon ask someone about their major. Anyway, all the girls are lusting after Ian, who’s showing some drunk girl the Date Rape Special.
Present Day! Fitz wants to know why, in The Bad Seed, the Janitor is the only one to figure out that Rhoda’s a lying liar who lies, and Aria accidentally calls Fitz “Ezra” in her explanation. Awwwwkward.
Toby’s house. Em’s delivering Toby’s French Book. He found out that it was Jenna who turned him in! Also, his bike is still broken. Emily wants to hang out with Toby (as friends). They make a breakfast date.
School. Actor/Director Chad Lowe is here to hang out with his newboyfriend, Fitz. The whole Aria clan is in love with Fitz! And then Actor/Director Chad Lowe is all, “it’s so bold of you, exposing yourself to your students!” (through his writing). Fitz is a shitter of bricks.
Next thing you know, they’ll be talking about their sex lives.
Hanna’s. She’s practicing her stage directions . . . which she got the first day of the play? WHAT? They haven’t even blocked this thing yet! SURELY! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?? It always annoys me when TV gets things wrong, but it’s EXTRA annoying when they get drama or tv-making things wrong, cause it’s like, THIS IS WHAT YOU DO, YOU IDIOTS.
Anyway. Caleb offers to help, but Hanna brushes him off, embarassed about the whole seeing him naked thing. I think Caleb and I might have the same haircut right now. Caleb, Kat from 10 Things and myself. It’s the haircut of Homelessness/Lesbian Longing/Too Busy To Get a Haircut.
Bar. Actor/Director Chad Lowe wants Fitz to quit teaching and write full time. Those kids will move on, Fitz! They don’t need you as their teacher forever, you know! Heck, Aria’s already thinking about attending colleges in California! Fitz’s little heart breaks. He is a sad panda.
Spencer’s. Toby is over, and she wants to know if he can find out what Ian gave to Jenna. Spencer wants to sleuth Jenna’s phone because she thinks that may give them some clues. Toby’s way too scared to steal Jenna’s phone, but Spencer convinces him he has to do it with her magical vagina. Commercials. Oooh, Beastly! NAKED PUSH UPS BY PETTYFER! Is there anything else that happens in this movie? No. Just Alex Pettyfer doing push ups, naked. That’s it! Two more weeks, Naked Pettyfer! You and I have a movie date!
Vanessa Hudgens, by the way, would like us to own who we are. Well. I mean, if I looked like Alex Pettyfer, then I could totally own it. If I were a boy. Or, actually, a girl. If I looked like Vanessa Hudgens, it’s be pretty easy to own my looks, since everyone has seen me naked and then had to scrub their eyes from accidentally viewing child porn. That’s also known as “The Day Erin Stopped Reading Ohnotheydidn’t.”
Show. Emily comes to meet Toby for their breakfast date, but he’s off with Spencer. Em’s a little jealous, I think. Jenna is wearing . . . like a door-knocker or something around her neck. Then she starts playing creepy flute music. I wish I were making this up, but I’m not.
Spencer’s. Toby is there, handing over the phone that he’s stolen from Jenna’s. Toby’s worried that Jenna will, you know, kill him for touching her stuff. Spencer wants to know why Alison thinks Toby spied on them, but Toby says he never spied on anyone. Alison made it up! Then they hold hands and look longingly at each other.
The vagina’s magic can be imbued with only the touch of a hand!
School, drama room. Aria’s putting tape on the stage. Because it’s . . . day two? And blocking starts on day two? Aria apologizes about the “Ezra” comment. Also, Actor/Director Chad Lowe wants to get Fitz a job at his college. Aria’s all, “bwah?”
Hanna and Spencer hand Jenna’s braille translator over to Caleb, who I guess is going to work his magic on it, or something.
Drama room. Aria, apparently, is a crappy stage manager, who didn’t email everyone to remind them about practice. Fitz and Aria end up fighting in private, cause Fitz doesn’t think they have a future. He doesn’t want Aria to resent him. OH. The ol’, “I’m not good enough for you” excuse of people too pathetic to cowboy/girl up and dump someone for real.
Outside, Hanna, Em and Spencer are talking about the play, but Em’s too busy staring at Ian . .
Flashback! Drink! Frat party! Aria and Hanna hear a girl scream, and it’s the girl from earlier! And she’s fallen down the stairs! And Ian’s standing at the top, just staring! Present day! Emily’s just telling the girls about Ian maybe tossing the girl down the stairs. Ian, by the way, is playing with a hackey sack. I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be menacing or not. Are hippies menacing?
Commercials. SIMON PEGG MOVIE YAAAAAY I LOVE YOU LET’S GET MARRIED!!!! Ahem. I mean. It’s good to see Simon Pegg back on the screen. Cheerio. Pip pip.
Drama room of endless rehearsing. Hanna goes out in the hall to talk to Caleb, who feels that Jenna’s phone is out of his league. Um. Why does Jenna need a special phone? She’s blind, not deaf.
“Why are you stealing from little old fake-blind ladies?”
Meanwhile, Fitz is still trying to make people care about the overall themes of The Bad Seed. Spence thinks some people are pure evil (she says, robotically). Which leads us into another . . .
Flashback! Drink! The girl who fell down the stairs is being carted off on a gurney (still alive). The girls are watching and thinking about running away before the cops can interrogate them. Alison goes right up to a cop and tells him that they’re drunk and can’t drive. The cops drive them back home without question.
Drama room. Play practice is over, thank the baby Jesus. Everyone but the main girls clear out, and Spencer notices a trophy in the prop chest. It’s one of Ian’s trophy! And the trophy from two weeks ago! And it has blood on it! Emily wants to give the trophy to the cops, so they take it and get out of there.
At the police station, someone’s putting the trophy into evidence. Everyone but Hanna is going to sleep over at Emily’s, because they’re all freaked out about having Alison’s murder weapon in their hands. Um, how do they know that’s Alison’s murder weapon?
Aria stops over at Fitz’s to tell him that she’s quitting the play, but that she isn’t quitting on their future! Fitz kisses her in response. I vomit in response to Fitz’s response.
Hanna’s house. Caleb is packing up to leave. He thought she’d be happy! Ever since the shower, she’s been acting weird! Hanna kind of wants to show him her girly parts! Then they kiss. Without tongue, cause this is ABC Family, and tongues don’t exist on this channel.
School. No one has slept, as they are convinced they’ve found Alison’s murder weapon. Oh, girls. You are wrong on so many counts. The cops arrive! The trophy is a fake! The blood is from a rat! The cop is mad at them for turning in false evidence! Hanna is wearing . . . inappropriate stockings.
I’m sorry, and I realize I’m an Old, but Hanna, YOU ARE IN HIGH SCHOOL. Not the red light district of Amsterdam!
On the way out, the girls get a text. “‘Rat’ me out, your blood’s next. -A” Oh, A. You’re so lame. Also, poor rat.
Meanwhile, Aria wants to know where Alison was when the girl fell at the frat party. Aria thinks maybe it was Alison who shoved that girl down the stairs, because of how she was obsessed with Ian. What if Alison also purposely blinded Toby? Meanwhile, Ian’s smirking at them from the school steps.
Credits. A rat is in a cage, being fed by our Gloved Person of Mystery. The rat’s cage says Aria on it. There’s one for each girl . . . but Spencer’s is missing. Whoops. Poor dead rat.
Man, I wonder if A’s mom or dad or significant other has caught on to all of this yet. The Gloved Person of Mystery certainly has lots of accoutrements of evil, after all.
Guys, we’re gearing up to the season finale! Shizz is getting crazier and crazier! ‘Til next week, bitches!