Title: Pretty Little Liars S1.E22 “For Whom the Bell Tolls”
Released: 2011

IT TOLLS FOR THEE. If Thee are a drunken misanthrope, that is.

Which, luckily, I am!! Hooray! The bell’s tolling ALL FOR ME!

You guys? I kind of hate it when Pretty Little Liars is as crazy and well-paced as it was tonight. Because then I legitimately enjoy it, and if I legitimately enjoy it, then I’m going to legitimately miss it while it’s on hiatus. And what’s going to fill its place? The Secret Life of the American Teenager? I don’t think so.

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, the entire first season happened. I mean, you guys, haven’t you been paying attention? I can’t be arsed to hold your hand, you know.

But here’s what ABC Family wants you to know. Previously on Pretty Little Liars: Someone’s been filming Alison and friends; Jenna is creepy and maybe blind, Ian is a creepster and Melissa is harvesting his creepy baby in her womb, which has probably been decorated with a designer chaise for the fetus to recline upon, Aria found out about Fitz’s secret past as someone who dated people his own damn age, Lucas looooves Hanna, Hanna loooooves Caleb, Caleb broke her heart and Mona kept him from apologizing, Spencer loooves Toby, and Alison had a flash drive full of videos of everyone.

Show. The girls are still watching Alison’s videos. This one’s of Jenna and Toby. Basically Jenna was threatening to cry rape to everyone if Toby didn’t have sex with her. Oh, Jenna. You aren’t going to get to join my feminist clubhouse now. Sucks to be you, cause the membership cards are awesome.

The girls finally, FINALLY twig to the fact that someone has been spying on them for years and, you know, probably masturbating while doing so. UM DUH. Amusingly (?), it’s this video evidence that creeps them out, and not the fact that, say, a mysterious person knows every one of their secrets and has been stalking them for the last twelve months.

The girls are convinced that the videographer is Ian, and that he killed Ali because she had found out his secret. Spencer wants to work with Jenna in order to gather evidence on Ian. The girls are a little wary, but Spencer convinces them. Everyone has such big eyes in this show. Maybe because they’re constantly shocked.

Credits. Necromancy. Family show!

Aria’s House of Woodland Delights. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, and Actor/Director Chad Lowe discuss the general state of their marriage (not great) while talking about some faculty mixer thing (is boring, have mentally checked out). Aria lurks to eavesdrop and then totally ignores Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, in favor of checking her text messages from Fitz (vaguely desperate, may be trapped in a well somewhere). Fitz’s messages are all “Uh, a cop was here? We need to talk? Do I look fat in this sweater?” and Aria, desperate to save her ADULT BOYFRIEND runs off, but not before telling Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, to either shit or get off the pot when it comes to her relationship with Actor/Director Chad Lowe. Aria flees while Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is left to wonder whether she should introduce Cleveland Steamers into her relationship with Actor/Director Chad Lowe. It’s a METAPHOR, HOLLY. You aren’t ACTUALLY supposed to shit on his chest.

At the House of Hidden Cash and Prozzie Moms, Hanna’s still pretty bummed about the Caleb thing and announces her intention to spend the rest of her life in bed. Oh, Hanna. I announced that intention on Saturday morning, but it was because I was insanely hungover. Prozzie Mom mentions the letter, which Hanna says she never received.

At Spencer’s House of WASPy intrigue, Melissa, Spencer and their mom are breakfasting, as one does. Ian comes in to offer Melissa a ride to the church (Ian couldn’t actually enter the doors, of course, due to the fact that he is Satan’s handservant), but Melissa says she can walk. Spencer makes a snide comment about the baby and Melissa stomps off, and everyone is supposed to feel bad for her, but I don’t. It’s just a baby, okay. Lots of people have them. It couldn’t even hear that joke, cause it’s swimming around in your womb juices, and even if it could, it wouldn’t understand it, because babies don’t understand sarcasm, which is one of many ways in which babies are inferior to human-sized people. Look, babies are awesome. After about their six-month checkup, when they start giggling at shit all the time and can be dressed up in hoodies with ears. Before that they look kind of like someone’s wrinkled up grandpa, and they stare at you like they want to eat your brains, WHICH THEY PROBABLY DO, because how do you know that babies aren’t zombies? Where has that fact been catagorically proven? IT HASN’T.

So, all I’m saying is, it’s awesome that you’re pregnant and won’t stop talking about it, person on my Facebook friends list, but don’t expect me to offer up my delicious brains to your baby until such time as that baby is dressed like a dinosaur, unicorn, bear, reindeer, cat, bunny, etc,and smelling of baby powder and angel farts, okay?

Emily’s. She’s getting emails from Samara (Samaria? I can’t remember now), and giggling in a flirty way, and then Formerly Horrible Homophobe Mom Who Now I’m Starting To Begrudgingly Like comes in, needing to talk to Emily. Emily’s dad’s post has been extended, and he wants his family to join him in Texas. Emily doesn’t want to leave, but Em’s mom misses getting boned on the regular and also, you know, having her husband there to decorate the living room with his hotness. They’re both right in this argument, but Emily’s mom is the rightest. Sorry, Em, I know that sucks. When you get a job and pay taxes, you can live anywhere you want!

At school, Aria is meeting up with Fitz, who has just given his resignation. Ezra is dressed . . . well, the boy’s been taking fashion tips from his girlfriend, is all I’m saying. Oh, I’m sorry, did I say boy? The ADULT MAN has been taking tips from his HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND who HAPPENS TO BE HIS STUDENT. That’s better.

Fitz has resigned because the university offered hima professor job. The cop thing? It was about Spencer, not Aria, so, in other words, the writers are merely attempting to drum up some interest before the commercial breaks. Fitz thinks that now that he’s leaving school, he can date Aria with impunity, full on fucking her in the public square and whatnot. Yeah, we’ll see how that goes, buddy. Anyway, he’s going to be attending the college mixer at Aria’s house, which I am sure will in no way be awkward or dramatic.

The giddy smiles of a girl who can’t quite understand that her boyfriend is still committing statutory rape, regardless of his status as her teacher.

In the hallways, Hanna and Mona are pedeconferencing about Caleb. And Lucas is behind them! Hanna asks Mona about Caleb’s letter, which Mona denies seeing. Mona’s all, “You wanted him to go away, right?” Mona looks like she’s about to come clean, but then doesn’t. And then Lucas is there. LUCAS!! He’s still mad at Hanna.

Jenna walks down the halls, which all the girls see. They follow her to the music room. I must say this – for as much flack as we give Jenna about not being blind, the actress is always careful to be seen counting steps when she walks down the halls. So either Jenna is just that committed to the ruse, or they haven’t told the actress playing her that Jenna’s faking the blindness. Or, I guess, Jenna actually is blind. That could be option number three. But that option is frankly the lamest option in this scenario.

In the music room, the girls confront Jenna and tell her they’ve found the videos. What do they want from Jenna? The truth!

Here it is! Alison did come visit Jenna at the hospital, but not to talk about the girls. She came to visit Jenna the day she got home from Georgia (Hilton Head, actually); the day before she disappeared. Which, if you’ve been keeping up with the convoluted timeline, you’ll know isn’t right. (Ali disappeared the night of her supposed return from South Carolina.)

Flashback! (Drink!) Alison’s playing the video for Jenna. Alison says, “the boy [she] likes likes to make videos.” But not only of Alison. Then she tells Jenna that she’ll keep the video of Jenna raping Toby under wraps if Jenna will keep Alison’s secret of blowing up her garage. Then Alison threatens Jenna never to return to Rosewood. Jesus, Alison’s such a bitch.

The look of a girl not wearing her Yellow Shirt of Imminent Death.

Spencer promises Jenna that the video will stay “in a safe place.” Jenna reminds the girls that she’s still paying for the girls’ mistakes. The girls wonder whether Jenna’s story is real, but it is looking likely.

In the cafeteria, Hanna is offering Emily a place to stay while Spencer pulls out an untraceable cell phone. The girls all glower at Ian and then discuss their plan – they’ll anonymously blackmail Ian for money in exchange for Ali’s tape, but then they’ll record him when he comes to pick up the tapes. And then turn everything over to the cops.

Yep. Can’t see anything that will go wrong with this plan.

The girls watch as Ian receives the text message, and I must say that he looks concerned. Though all the girls seem to take this as proof positive that Ian’s guilty. It could just mean he’s got to poop.

Spencer’s untraceable phone gets a return text from Ian – he wants to know what they want. Hanna tells him to bring 10 grand to the park that evening. Gosh, I hope that he doesn’t try to do anything crazy to get that money, like steal from his wife’s rich family or mug someone or kill his new wife for the insurance money or anything.

Then Mona shows up and sits down. Everyone beats a quick exit. Hanna, however, leaves her phone on the table, and Caleb calls. Mona is super glad he’s called.

Commercials. Commercials for that Prom movie! THAT MOVIE HAS JULIE TAYLOR IN IT! And Cameron from 10 Things I Hate About You! That movie is like an FYA casting dream team.

Show. Mona’s totally lying to Caleb – telling him that she gave the letter to Hanna and he threw it away. Lucas overhears it and wants to tell Hanna the truth. Mona offers to help him transform into someone Hanna actually wants to date. WILL HE DO IT? Of course not, why are you even asking yourself that. It’s Lucas. He doesn’t have a conniving bone in his body. He had one once, actually, but he had it removed and dedicated it to a museum so that school children might learn from it.

I can never tell if Lucas is tall or if everyone on this show is short.

Jenna’s house. She’s sitting amongst the dust mites in her room and answers her ringing phone. “They’ve found the video. And they’ve seen it!” Who is she talking to? WHY! IT’S IAN!!! He tells Jenna not to worry, that he’ll take care of it. Oh, Jenna. Run.

Emily’s house. Baby!Cop Garrett is there, wanting to talk to Emily. He claims to be on their side and then gives Emily his cell number, just in case she needs anything. And then he sort of asks her out. So, Garrett . . . not the greatest reader of signals. Well, I’m sure you don’t need that skill to be a cop.

Hanna’s sitting on Emily’s porch. Lucas returned her cell phone (through Emily). Emily’s not looking foward to moving to Texas, apparently because she thinks there aren’t any lesbians here or something. EMILY. Girl, just hang out with me for like, a day, girl. Hanna and Emily console each other on their rotten love lives. Aww. I love them.

At Spencer’s, she and Toby are studying in her room. Actual books, not, like, each other’s anatomy. Spencer’s let Toby in on the plan, and then they cuddle together.

Jenna’s house. She’s talking to . . . WHAT? Baby!Cop Garrett!!! about the video. And then they’re making out. WHAT IS GOING ON Y’ALL.

At Aria’s House of Woodland Delights, Fitz is totally making eyes at Aria from across the room. Good to know those two are going to continue their stupidity into Fitz’s new job. Then JACKIE, Fitz’s ex-girlfriend, arrives! She teaches at the University too! OH SHIZZ SON.

Spencer’s. She and Toby are cuddling when she gets a text from Melissa saying that Ian never met her at the church. Toby’s part of the plan is to keep Jenna occupied for the evening. Then they are sweet and kiss. Aw. I can only imagine how Toby feels to know that Spencer’s seen video of him being sexually assaulted. Oh, Tobester.

At Aria’s House of Woodland Delights, Aria and Fitz are fighting in her room. Aria can’t believe that Fitz lied to her about Jackie. She leaves.

I can’t believe this choad wore that outfit to meet his new coworkers.

Hanna’s house. She’s sitting on her stairs, like she does. On her phone, she deletes Caleb’s contact info. Is there anywhere else to sit in her house? Is that the only place?

Meanwhile, Caleb is driving to Rosewood . . . and Lucas is the one driving him! Aww, Lucas. Go recover your bone from the museum.

Also, where the hell did Lucas pick him up?

Melissa and Spencer are driving home, and Melissa is stressed out about Ian. And then! Car crash, in true JJ Abrams style. The car rams into the passenger side.

At the hospital, Melissa’s under observation, as is the baby. Spencer’s okay, but upset. I’m upset too, because if Melissa loses the baby, I’m going to look like a real asshole for making that zombie joke earlier.

At the park, the girls are all waiting on Spencer (they don’t know she’s at the hospital), but instead get a text from A. “Buckle up, bitches. Nothing is as it seems. -A”

At the hospital, no one can locate Ian. Spencer offers to go look for him (and collect Melissa’s phone) from the church. She’s interrupted by a cop, who gives her back her purse. Spencer calls Aria and explains her whereabouts just as Baby!Garrett arrives. He’s glad they called! Oh! Noes! Don’t trust him, girls; he makes out with blind incestuous rapists!!

In the woods, Baby!Cop Garrett is scoping the place. No one but him knows they’re there, right? Hanna is smart and tells him that she told her mom of her whereabouts. Smart Hanna. Baby!Cop Garrett, meanwhile, continues to act sneaky.

At the church, Spencer is looking for the minister.

In the woods, someone arrives in an SUV! It’s not Ian!!

Ian, meanwhile, has just arrived . . . behind Spencer in the church!!

The guy with the money tells Baby!Garrett that someone paid him to bring the money. Aria calls Spencer, but it goes to voicemail.

At the church, Ian has sussed out the sender of the text message. Ian doesn’t seem to care about the fact that his wife is, you know, in the hospital. Spencer shows Ethan the flash drive and then throws it across the church, taking the chance to escape. On the run (in the belfry, or course!), she attemps to call the girls, but Ian catches up with her. But the call goes through to Emily! And they overhear Spencer fighting with Ian and him telling her that everyone will think that Spencer killed herself.

Ian tells Spencer that he’s going to frame her for Alison’s murder. Because he loves Melissa! It’s all very dramatic!

And then a hooded figure, who Ian recognizes, throws Ian down the belfry. He (or she) does not wait around to help Spencer up.

The girls whow up to rescue Spencer, who is in total shock. Oh, dude. Ian totally got wrapped up in the ropes of the bells and hung himself. AWESOME. I wasn’t expecting anything quite so gruesome.

The girls wonder if A is the one who saved Spencer.

And then, the cops show up . . . and there’s NO BODY! Whaaaa? WHO THE HECK MOVED IAN’S BODY??

That is some Michael Myers shit right there.

At the church, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, and Actor/Director Chad Lowe make up, while the entire town looks around with shock at the girls. A guy shows up, and I think it’s maybe Noel? I honestly cannot tell. Why is this show always so dark?? I’m sure I’m supposed to think DEEP THOUGHTS about whoever just showed up to the crime scene, and why, but I honestly can’t tell who it is. I think it’s Noel, though. Or Jason DiLaurentis. Or Santa Claus.

The girls simultaneously get texts – “It’s not over until I say it is. Sleep tight while you still can, bitches. -A”

And that’s it for the next few months, folks!¬†PLL¬†will be back in June. And I can’t wait, because maybe ABC Family will send me more clover!! Thanks for sticking around this season, guys, and don’t despair too much – we have some interesting tv recaps coming down the pipe soon . . . See you soon, bitches!


Erin is loud, foul-mouthed, an unrepentant lover of trashy movies and believes that champagne should be an every day drink.