Yeah, that’s actually the title of the show. I’m going to have an A-neurysm!
You guys! There are only three episodes of this show left this year. What am I going to do without it? Watch The Lying Game? I very much doubt it.
Alright, no banter this morning. Let’s do this!
Previously on Pretty Little Liars: Em has an ulcer and some ‘roids in her bloodstream; Aria and Fitz kiss where Jackie can see; Mike’s a thief; Deadbead Dad is getting married and wants Hanna to be a bridesmaid; the girls blackmail Jenna in re: the video of her raping Toby; Butthair kisses Aria; Butthair has a darkroom full of pictures of Aria.
Show! Emily wants to tell Aria about Butthair’s obsession, but Aria confesses the kiss first. Then Spencer – who is wearing the strangest shirt ever – and Emily explain about his creepy obsession. Butthair is dangerous! Aria, stupidly, doesn’t seem that convinced.
Oh! Rosewood High is having a college fair tomorrow! Maybe that means that Maya is going to come back! (First person who connects the dots gets my everlasting adoration! Also possibly a book!) Aria and Spencer scatter to the winds like ill-attired mites of dust.
Emily glumly begins to eat her Alpha Bits cereal before realizing the only letters are As. Panicked, she dumps out the whole box and sees a little plastic ball, the kind that hold plastic rings that cost a quarter. In it, of course, is a note from A. “The weakest link is the easiest to break. Snapping yet? -A” Drink! Also, is Em really the weakest link? She usually has her shit together at least 80% of the time. Aria and Hanna, on the other hand, are like shooting fish in a barrel. With an Uzi.
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
Show! At Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash, Prozzie Mom and Hanna discuss Emily’s crazy devotion to sports. She needs to chill out and relax! I’m always telling myself that. “More naps,” I say to myself. “Maybe go from three naps to four a day.” Prozzie Mom decides to give Emily a gift certificate she had for a massage. That’s nice of her! I think she likes Emily more than Hanna.
Then there’s some talk about Deadbeat Dad’s wedding. Hanna is still pouting about the wedding, but Prozzie Mom encourages her to be happy about it.
At school, Aria totally walks up to Butthair and blows the whole secretive-breaking-in-to-the-shed-thing. Oh, Aria. Butthair – who by the way, has mildly cut his hair, but not enough- claims that he didn’t take those photos of Aria; Ali did. Oh, Aria, are you actually going to believe that? I think she actually is. Oh, Aria. You are terminally stupid, girl.
What do we think? Slightly less butt!
Ooh! Jenna’s totally eavesdropping on this convo!
Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, sees Annabeth Gish, who I guess sometimes chills out at school. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, talks to her about Mike’s issues. Annabeth Gish is already devoted to Aria’s psychological well-being (but apparently is doing as piss-poor a job at that as Moronica Reyes did at pretty much everything on The X-Files), but offers to give Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, some names of other therapists. Hooray! I’m glad Holly Marie Combs’, Child Bride, total out-of-character refusal to consider Mike’s mental health was merely a stupid-ass plot device to stretch last week’s show!
Hey! It’s Fitz! And Jackie! They’re at the school to hand out pens and koozies, or whatever is passing for swag at College Fairs these days. In my day, they gave us all expensive Personal Computers and our own blow-up sex dolls, plus free tuition for a year. Don’t let them short-change you, kids today! Of course, I went to school in the Clinton years, so.
Aria wants to hang out with Fitz but is glum to see Jackie. You know what I bet Fitz would be glum to see, Aria? Butthair’s tongue in your mouth.
In the hallways, Hanna gives Emily the gift certificate. Then Annabeth Gish comes by to tell Emily that she looks stressed. Everyone is just full of advice, aren’t they? Emily feels the need to unburden herself to Annabeth Gish. They make an appointment for later that day.
Boy, that’s a lot of look, Hanna.
Spencer’s! She and Toby are packing up Ian’s stuff. Spencer is still wearing her awful shirt, and yet Toby has not broken up with her. Toby finds Ian’s old Rosewood High year book. Ian was in something called the N.A.T. Club. Neither of them know about it, but see a signature from Butthair that says “Ian – N.A.T. Club forever!” Babycop!Garrett was also in the club! Ooh! A new mystery!
I needed the full side-by-side shot to explain the hideousness of this shirt. WHY. It’s so wrong on so many levels.
Commercials. You know what I hate? Those dumb pregnancy test commercials. First of all, it’s a piss test and they all work the same. It’s not like one is going to make you more pregnant than another. Why are you trying to get ahead in the competition? Second, why are all the commercials full of happy women squeeing when they see the plus sign? Is that really an accurate representation of the market? Of the number of women who have purchased pregnancy tests over the last, say, twenty years, how many of them are nervously-but-excitedly buying one, already planning what colors to paint the nursery? And how many are slinking into the pharmacy at 2 am so they don’t run into anyone they know, keeping their fingers crossed and saying, ohpleasedon’tletmebeknockedup?
I mean, I’m just saying. It’s like if they marketed Bud Light commercials by filming people from Forbes magazine sitting around and talking about Proust.
Show. College Fair! Aria is spying on Fitz and Jackie. Why do Fitz and Jackie get this gig? They’re brand new!
Fitz comes over to flirt with Aria, but she stomps off. She’s worried about them! Specifically, Jackie! Then she comes clean about the Butthair kiss. Jackie comes over to make the awkward moment even more awkward. Then she passive-aggressively snarks to Aria about how young she is.
Nice outfit, Fitz. You’re really going to get those crazy kids interested in college!
Philly! Hanna’s trying on her bridesmaid dress, which looks like something Madonna wore during the Ray of Light years. That’s not a compliment, by the way, in case you were wondering. Mona’s there, trying to explain how hideous that dress is while still using words in the English language. I feel ya, Mona. Then Kate, Hanna’s future stepsister, comes in. She invites them both out to lunch. Mona encourages this, mostly because Mona likes Kate’s bag.
Spa! Emily’s there for her massage. I’m so jealous! I want a massage! Damn, Prozzie Mom, just because I still call you a prostitute two years after you slept with Jerky Detective to get Hanna freed from her shoplifting charges, you could still give me a massage gift card. I thought we were friends!
At Spencer’s, she and Toby figure out that N.A.T. stands for something Latin which means “We See All.” Now Spencer thinks maybe Jason and Garrett are in on the murder of Ali too!! Didn’t we . . . already think that? Wasn’t that the premise we’ve been operating under for a while now?
At The Only Restaurant in Rosewood, Aria’s texting Fitz when Butthair appears. He wants to sit with her. She’s not still scared of him . . . is she?
Show! Ooh! The “club” that Kate invited Hanna and Mona to lunch at is an equestrian club! Hanna and Mona are all dressed up! I love a good equestrian sub-plot! Kate’s friends are totes pretentious (their names are Bitsy and Margox – the x is silent My fist itches to connect with their faces). Mona declares that she’ll show Hanna the ropes of riding.
There is literally nothing a horse subplot can’t improve.
The Spa I’m Not At Right Now. Emily is enjoying her massage . . . but it’s totally Gloved McEvilson! Oh, GROSS! This is so skeevy. Ew! I’m cringing just thinking about it! (I should add that presumably Gloved McEvilson has the gloves off for this, but they don’t show that part.)
At The Only Restaurant in Rosewood, Butthair has brought Aria the framed photos of her sleeping. Creeeepy. He claims he found a box of Ali’s stuff under a floorboard in her room. He offers to show the stuff to Aria.
And by “stuff,” he means his penis.
Outside, Spencer and Toby see Aria and Butthair through the window. Toby wants to talk to her, but Spencer doesn’t think Aria will listen. But Spencer knows who Aria will listen to!
At the equestrian club, Mona and Hanna are tromping through the woods. It seems they lost their horses. Well, they’ll have nice bruises tomorrow. Hanna claims that Mona just wants to get in good with Kate, since she’s rich! Well, in that case, so do I!
The Spa I’m Not At Right Now. The real massage therapist comes in, which freaks Emily out. Em sees the letter A wrtitten in the condensation of a glass of water. Ew, poor Em. I would take two millions showers after that.
Why does it always have to be sweet Em?
Fitz’s car! Spencer climbs into his car and in short order, tells him she knows about his affair with Aria and that Aria’s in danger. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, comes out of the school and spies them talking.
At The Spa I’m Not At, Em is rightly freaked the fuck out and is about to call Annabeth Gish (why, Em? Plenty of whale songs in The Spa I’m Not At) when she gets a text from A: “See how easy it is for me to get my hands around your neck? -A” Drink! Also, we’ve discussed this before, but WHY EM? She’s the only actually nice one! She doesn’t steal, she doesn’t kiss her sister’s boyfriends and she isn’t Aria! This isn’t fair.
Commercials. Just so you know, ABC Family promo guy, every time you say “The Lying Game” in that voice of yours, I think you’re saying “The Lion King.” I get way more excited when I think this show is about Simba and Scar.
At Butthair’s, he invites Aria in to see the box of Ali’s stuff. Aria, for once getting a clue, tells him she’ll wait outside, thanks.
The Horseless Equestrians! Hanna’s sorry she snapped at Mona; she just feels like an outsider around Kate and her awful friends. Then she has a glorious rant about “Iso-hell” and Kate and her bitchy friends, all of which is caught on the loudspeaker. Kate is not pleased.
Spencer’s! She’s walking downstairs when she sees Jenna, just hanging out on the couch. Jenna thought they had an agreement! Why is Spencer still digging into Ali’s death? Jenna knows Toby’s helping Spencer! Spencer needs to stop! What she’s doing is dangerous for her and for Toby! Jenna always talks so tensely! Jenna leaves, but not before Spencer smugly tells her to tell Babycop!Garrett she said hi. Jenna’s face falls. Ooh, SNAP!
Butthair’s. Fitz has arrived to save Aria! Aria defends Butthair! Butthair isn’t a threat! But he is to Fitz! Fitz doesn’t want to keep their relationship a secret anymore! He wants to start by telling her parents! Then they kiss, which Butthair sees. He gives Aria the box of Ali’s stuff. Aria and Fitz drive off and Butthair looks like he wants to punch a puppy.
Babycop!Garrett’s terrible stakeout car. Jenna comes over to tell him that they know about them and, I quote, “They’re looking at yearbooks.” Now, how do you know that, Jenna? Can you smell the yearbooks in Spencer’s living room. Damn! She seriously almost had me going at one point.
Jenna claims they have to tell Butthair!
Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash. Hanna comes home to drown herself in pudding. It’s not an uncommon feeling, kiddo. Prozzie Mom comes in and they convo briefly, and then Deadbeat Dad calls. Hanna’s freaked, but apparently Kate told Deadbeat Dad that Hanna was perfectly nice! Then Kate gets on the phone with Hanna and threatens Hanna that she’ll feel like a broken horse before long. Uh, Kate? She never even has to see you. Don’t get your jodhpurs in a bunch.
Aria’s House of Woodland Delights. Aria’s going through Ali’s things, which is mostly dolls and nonsense. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, comes in to see if Aria will convince Mike to go to the therapist. Then she tells Aria that she heard rumors earlier that year about Fitz being involved with a student. She wants to know if Aria has anything to say about Fitz . . . and Spencer. Aria is like, “Uh, no, Mom, gross.” Then Aria fleshes out the idea of Fitz dating a student. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, would be really disappointed to learn that Fitz ever dated a student. Disappointed and betrayed! Well, there goes that idea, Aria.
Spencer’s. Hanna and Em are over, and Emily is still freaking about her massage. She thinks Gloved McEvilson’s hands were a girl’s, but she isn’t sure. Then the girls finally start coming around to my A Is Everyone theory. Finally! The door rings, and Spencer goes to answer it.
Emily gets a call from Annabeth Gish, but ignores it.
Downstairs, Spencer and Aria make up. Spencer was just worried because Aria’s really tiny! Hee! Spence, I wish they let you bring the funny more often.
Butthair’s. He’s lounging on his porch when Babycop!Garrett appears with a six-pack. Butthair, however, no longer drinks. Garrett just wants to make sure he and Jason are still cool. “What does it matter now?” asks Jason. “It’s over.” Garrett reminds Jason that he’s a babycop now, and “it matters more than ever.”
Annabeth Gish’s office. She’s got an appointment with a patient! I bet it’s A!
That’s it, folks!! There are only two episodes left this season, and they look CRAZYBALLS. Any new theories? Sound off in the comments!