Happy Tuesday, little liars!! Did you all watch last nights crazeballs Pretty Little Liars episode? How is it that this show can have SO MUCH happen every week and yet not actually advance in any appreciable way? It’s a bit like my daily job responsibilities, now that I think about it. Nothing but hushed meetings, lots of heated exclamations when I check my email, and fuck all to show for it at the end of the day.
Is it any wonder I drink so much? Let’s kick it, kids.
It’s the Sara Shepard Requisite Creepy Greenhouse Set Close To Someone’s Pennsylvania Mansion. We pick up where we’ve left off, with the girls looking for the empty box they taunted A with (why?), recapping their current drama, and freaking out about A. A’s phone is locked, but Spencer wants Caleb to unlock it. Hanna refuses, and is casually racist about tech support in Pakistan. I guess at least she didn’t say India? So, well done on being a forward-thinking racist? They argue loudly about their problems, like they ALWAYS do, and then A’s phone rings! The girls don’t answer it because another window in the greenhouse crashes, and Emily vows to call Caleb. I guess it’s convenient that he showed up in town last week, then!
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
At Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash, Caleb is working his magic on A’s phone. But the owner of the phone shuts down the phone remotely before Caleb can get much data out of the phone. Caleb figures that he can retrieve some of the files, but wants to know what the dealio is. The girls decline to explain the dealio.
Aria’s House of Woodland Delights. Actor/Director Chad Lowe finally, FINALLY, calls out what Aria’s wearing to school. Unfortch, he only scolds her for the dress that barely covers her front porch, and not the gigantic spider necklace she’s wearing. I mean, dressing like a working girl with a heart of gold is one thing, Aria, but no one should wear giant arachnid necklaces to school. Or ever. Aria stomps upstairs petulantly, but Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is all, “choose your battles, kiddo. And break up with Fitz. And stop hanging out with your friends.” Jesus. She’s such a kill joy.
Just look at all this hot mess. I wouldn’t let my daughter leave the house looking like this either. Unless she promised never to return.
Toby!! TOBY IS HERE! The hair is still not under control. It’s getting too thick in the front, like some sort of reverse mullet. Thin some of that shit out, Tobester. Spencer shows up to explain why she’s been so crazy lately. She’s so close to giving him answers. But it’s still not safe! The answers are in her vagina! And Toby doesn’t have the answer condoms, I guess. And the Answer Spermicide Lube was all sold out at CVS. Whatever, they start doing LEANY KISSES even though they are technically broken up, so I am happy.
School. Hanna is concerned that Caleb will be courting trouble, trying to hack the phone. She asks a passing Lucas if they’re still on for after-school studying. Oh, Lucas.
Garrett is fighting with Jenna over the phone, something that Toby and Spencer eavesdrop on. Toby says they’ve been fighting since last night, and Garrett says loudly that “asking him to join us” was a bad idea. Garrett needs to take like 12 Xanax tabs. Chill the fuck out, dude. Garrett storms off to taser a kid or something.
School. Em is sitting in Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride’s, class taking a make up test, presumably about The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. Eh, just bullshit some stuff about the South and poverty, Em; that’s what I’d do. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, tries to grill Emily on Aria’s personal life, and Em sticks up for her. “Aria may still be a minor, but her vagina is practically middle-aged!”
“How can I turn my child’s affair with my ex-coworker into something that can be blamed on my husband, my child’s friends, my other child’s depression, but never, ever me? Or, for that matter, my child’s grown-ass boyfriend.”
School. Aria’s using Hanna’s phone to call Fitz. Fitz has the worst voicemail recording in history. I want to kick him in the throat all over again. Aria vows her forever love. I vow to mix my third white Russian of the night.
Hallways. Spencer wants Em to come snoop with her at Jason’s, who is still randomly missing, but she can’t since she has more community service to finish. She advises Spencer to bribe Hanna instead, and that she’ll probably do anything for access to Spencer’s lake house. Em lets slip that Hanna and Caleb once had sex on the couch in Spencer’s lake house. “That’s my Nana’s couch,” Spencer snorts. Oh, I’ve missed Spencer’s humor.
At Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash, she and Lucas are studying the Civil War, but Hanna wants Lucas to help her to plan Caleb’s birthday party. Oh, HANNA. You are the worst. Also, why does it have to be Caleb’s birthday? Shouldn’t he be spending his birthday in California with the other people who don’t like him? WHY MUST HE CONTINUE TO EXIST?
Community service. Emily is working the phones at a crisis hotline. Really? This is what court-ordered community service is like? Felons get to talk down the suicidal? That sounds like a GREAT idea. Emily and the Crisis Hotline leader role play with a call transcript from last night – which sounds increasingly like a panicked Gloved McEvilson, discussing how “they” will kill him for losing his phone.
Fitz’s. He’s watching some sort of sport, which shocks the hell out of me. It’s probably soccer, though. Actor/Director Chad Lowe shows up to demand Fitz’s assurance that he’ll never see Aria again. Fitz starts stammering about not knowing that Aria was his student, blah blah, and then it FINALLY dawns on Actor/Director Chad Lowe that Fitz and his daughter are having sex. He threatens to go to the cops!
School. Noel and Mona, still inexplicably dating, have invited themselves to Caleb’s surprise party. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT? Surely you have better things to do.
Speaking of Caleb, he’s got some info off the phone! A photo of the four creepy dolls from the midseason finale, specifically. The girls are nonplussed. Caleb wonders what the hell’s been going on since he’s been gone. Oh, I don’t know, anything that’s good? Hanna silences his thinking voice with her mouth. I silence my thinking thoughts with another White Russian. Hey. How many White Russians make up the daily caloric recommendation for a person? I’d like to find out and then apply that method of diet.
Aria’s House of Woodland Delights. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is mad that her son is depressed and her daughter is having sex with her adult teacher. Priorities! Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, wants to protect Aria from police scrutiny, and doesn’t think that they should turn in Fitz to the police.
Hollis. Hanna drops by Fitz’s office with a cake, which is the second best thing that an underage girl has dropped by Fitz’s office with. She encourages Fitz not to give up on his tender love for his former student who is still a minor.
They’re just like Lolita and Humbert, only shoddily written and no one has shot Fitz yet.
Crisis hotline. The caller from the night before – WHO IS CLEARLY LUCAS – has called back. Em and Spencer listen in to him telling the crisis counselor that he knows what he has to do; he just hates to do it. I like to think Lucas is talking about how Noel and Mona made him destroy their sex tape. LUCAS DON’T BE EVIL!!!
Hanna’s. Em and Spencer are trying to convince Hanna that Lucas is Jenna and Garrett’s conspirator. Hanna does not want to hear it, and thinks that Lucas wouldn’t do such a thing. I think he would also not do such a thing! Lucas is perfect!
Aria calls Ezra on Hanna’s phone, and he tells her she can’t call him anymore. Aria’s waterproof mascara gets a workout as she cries and cries.
Jenna’s house. Garrett shows up just in time for Jenna to leave. He sees Toby lurking on the porch and asks if anyone else went to Boston with Jenna (for her eye surgery). He complains that Jenna ditched him. Toby warns him to walk away, “like [he] did.” Garrett is all, “the difference is, I’m in love with her.” Um, no. The difference is that Jenna never raped Garrett. Well, that is one of the differences. There are lots of differences involved.
At Spencer’s lake house, she’s going through old supplies in the attic in order to help Hanna decorate for Caleb’s party. She sees a piece of wallpaper that matches the background in the photo of the dolls that Caleb recovered from A’s phone. Then Lucas shows up! He says things in a half-assed threatening way and Spence skedaddles. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME TO HATE LUCAS???
At the Only Restaurant in Rosewood, Aria, Actor/Director Chad Lowe and Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, are going out to eat, but see Fitz eating alone. Actor/Director Chad Lowe demands to eat elsewhere, leaving Aria and Fitz to stare at each other with longing. Well, I am staring at Fitz’s dinner with longing, so we can all look like idiots.
Crisis hotline. Emily shows up to return the missing transcript that she “accidentally” left in her bag. The phones start ringing, so Emily has to answer the line. Lucas calls, and Emily pretends to be the counselor. Lucas has made a decision, and he has to take care of this tonight! He keeps seeing “her” face and keeps thinking how hard it will be to say goodbye to her. He obvs means he’s going to express his love for Hanna! Not that he’s going to kill her! He’s just going to tell her he can’t be her friend anymore because it’s too hard. STOP PICKING ON LUCAS!
On the Only Street in Rosewood, the Montgomerys run into some old friends, including Suitable Teenaged Suitor, Holden.
Just like Lolita, Aria’s found her Dick Schiller.
Party! The pizzas have been ordered wrong, the banner’s not hung yet, and Caleb’s on his way. Noel offers to be useful, which in itself should be a warning flag, while Spencer stridently tries to get Hanna to care that A’s been in the house. Meanwhile, Lucas is skulking about sadly, staring at Caleb’s birthday cake. Emily shows up and tells Lucas that Hanna forgives her friends everything. She tells him not to do something he’ll regret. NO! Do it, Lucas!! Tell her how you feel!
Spencer and Emily really want to get Hanna to listen to their theory that Lucas is part of the A trifecta, but it’s too late – she and Lucas have taken a rowboat across the lake to set up the fireworks. How very Dawson’s Creek of them. This provides Lucas the perfect opportunity to be creepily romantic and/or threaten to kill her (college sort of skewed my expectations as to what is romantic and what is stalkerish. They’re . . . the same?), until Hanna knocks him over the side of the boat with an oar. Then she capsizes as well.
All of this is filmed from the viewpoint of someone treading water.
Fitz’s. I can tell by the douchey typewriter. Aria calls him to leave him a “please be patient” message, but while she’s on the phone, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, pops in. Aria lies and says she called Suitable Teenaged Suitor Holden to go to a movie, which pleases Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride. Her daughter sure did get over that year-long relationship with her teacher quickly!
Lake. All is still and quiet, as Spencer scans the water, looking for bodies. Then! Hanna breaks the surface and swims to shore. But where is Lucas? Noel and Mona both show up – dripping wet! – but Lucas is nowhere to be seen. LUUUUUUCASSSS!!!!
Credits! Lucas’s lone tennis shoe is floating in the water and is scooped up by Gloved McEvilson. NOOOO. Lucas!!! But also that means that Lucas isn’t Gloved McEvilson! Because why would he bother switching into his gloves and hoodie? But where is Lucas? LUCAS DON’T DIE!
Thoughts? Comments? Speculation? Were Noel and Mona spying on Lucas and Hanna? Is Lucas really Gloved McEvilson? Who is he afraid of – Garrett and Jenna? Noel and Mona? Someone else? Will we ever see his adorable face again?!