About:
Happy Tuesday, ladies and Brian! I’m still trying to shake the last of a cold (I think it’s actually recycling its way through my body. Stupid cold.) and, instead of drinking whilst watching Pretty Little Liars, I sneezed a bunch instead. In fact, I sneezed almost every time the soundtrack tried to increase the drama with moody violins or drums. I’m allergic to soundtracks, what can I say?
Last week we found out that Ali liked slumming in a bad wig and Nabakov aliases, Holden’s probably in a fight club and someone sent a naked photo of Gertie (Kate) to the entire school. Using Hanna’s phone. Man, if this were The Vampire Diaries, someone would be having Gertie for a snack right now. Sigh. Why do I always get the tame shows where there’s just a bunch of statutory rape, incestuous rape, stalkers, murderers and fall foliage?
School. Hanna, Prozzie Mom, Gertie and Isobel, who is lookin to’ up, are all waiting tensely outside of the principal’s office. Man, Isobel. Is being married to Deadbeat Dad that stressful? You’ve aged, like, ten years! Hanna and Gertie do not look happy.
Spencer’s! The Liars minus Hanna are examining Ali’s claimed item . .. which is a red raincoat. Apparently the big secret is that Ali dropped off some dry cleaning before she died. Well, it’s good to know she went out on top? Spencer and Emily discuss Gertie’s naked photo while Aria finds a phone number in Ali’s jacket! Emily’s scared to call it, but Spencer snarks that it’s this or “hiring the fat woman in the tube top at the grocery store who tells fortunes.” Aria claims that the tube top lady makes good apple butter, so I’m immediately on her side. Go Tube Top Lady! Choose Tube Top Lady! Om noms, apple butter. Emily calls the number from the coat, panics and stutters, and Aria leaves a message on the number’s voicemail saying that she’s a friend of Vivian’s and requires a call back.
I mean, it’s a nice enough coat, but it’s not worth dying over.
School! Principal’s office! Isobel is strenuously declaring that Hanna should be suspended for her crimes against humanity and Gertie. Isobel and Prozzie Mom start arguing back and forth and the Never Before Seen Principal tells Hanna and Gertie that they’ll be paired together in tomorrow’s “Truth Out,” which is some sort of lock-in that does not involve playing Chubby Bunny or watching Salem’s Lot and Night of the Living Dead and is therefore not worth the time it takes me to type a description of it. What kind of lock-in forces you to talk about your fucking feelings? That’s what being unfortunately paired with your freshman year psych major roommate is for. Jesus Christ.
Prozzie Mom volunteers to chaperone the latest lock-in ever. Prozzie Mom, are you sure you want to do that? Isn’t there anything else you’d rather be doing, like NOT talking about your feelings in the comfort of your own home?
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
Hallways. Hanna’s glum about A wreaking havoc in her life. Everyone in school is staring at Hanna as if she is the worst person in the world. Please. This is high school. They’re going to stare at the girl whose naked breasts were displayed on their cellphones and congratulate the girl who sent them the photo. Hanna runs away in shame. I just cannot bring myself to care about this storyline. Look, I know bullying is a problem and we’re all working to solve it, but the way to solve it is not to pretend that life is a basket of kittens and everyone always gets along and we love each other. Fuck no, we don’t. I hate the dickhead who sits opposite me at work and almost daily want to bang my head against my desk when I overhear the things he (loudly) says. But instead of fighting with him, I just avoid him, and THAT’S how the real life works, folks. Why isn’t there an anti-bullying program called “Assholes: Just Avoid Them!” That’d be much more useful.
The Liars minus Hanna discuss Never Before Seen Principal. Emily is convinced he’s the one keeping her off the swim team. Apparently he has a major sponsor on the hook and doesn’t want Emily’s bad reputation tarnishing his team. Um, he has a major sponsor on the hook for a UIL-driven school athletic team? REALLY? Because if so, there are some fairly major rules violations he needs to answer for. Or is Pennsylvania not subjected to UIL rules? IS PENNSYLVANIA A GODLESS COUNTRY? HAS IT NO LAWS?
In the music room, Aria, who is wearing – I swear to God – patent leather school bus yellow clog slingback wedges, grills Holden about his bruise and his secret life. Yellow clog slingback wedges. YOU GUYS. Honest to Jesus, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.
WHAT? WHY?
Holden’s bag falls over and a bag of what looks like bloody loose teeth fall out. So he’s in a fight club and he’s the tooth fairy? He’s the tooth fairy and things get rough when parents catch him creeping into their children’s bedrooms in the dark of night? He’s the tooth fairy and he has diabetes? Help me out here, show; I’m drowning in how much I don’t care about this storyline.
Out in the courtyard (how often can this courtyard be usable? It’s Pennsylvania. Isn’t it too cold too eat outside for much of September through May?), Noel and Jenna are canoodling. It’s as gross as you’d expect. And then! Ugh! BUTTHAIR IS BACK. His hair actually doesn’t look like a butt now; he’s got sort of a Kennedy sweep going on. I’m going to start calling him Young Bobby from here on out.
Young Bobby tells Spencer that he just got back from Georgia and asks Spencer to give Pa Hastings a message: he can’t keep dodging Young Bobby forever! Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, pops up (she seriously is so short I think she just hides under the scenery until her cue) and asks Young Bobby to chaperone the lame lock-in. He’s not interested . . . until he hears that Ma and Pa Hastings are also chaperoning!
Hanna’s room. Prozzie Mom tells Hanna that they need to talk about this frame job. Why can’t Hanna tell her who’s framing her? Hanna just cries sadly. You could just TELL HER THE TRUTH, Hanna. Then you could GO TO THE COPS. I know; I know. I’m just spitting in the wind here.
Oh, good, its time for the lame lock-in. Cell phones are prohibited! Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is organizing everyone. Holden comes up and talks to Aria. She’s worried about Holden! If he’s hooked on something, or dealing . . . Aria, you idiot. What kind of drugs look like bloody teeth?
Music room. Jenna’s playing some awful dirge on the piano and it looks like Aria and Caleb are in her group. This is going to be a HIGH-larious group; I can already tell. In the hallways, Young Bobby runs into Ma Hastings. Pa Hastings is out of town, which displeases Young Bobby. They join Jenna, Aria and Caleb’s group as well.
Cafeteria. Prozzie Mom is leading her group, which includes Mona or Emily. They are going to play some truth games! Everyone should take a step forward if they don’t want to be there. Well, I’m stepping up too. Mona and Emily both take steps for feeling bullied or uncomfortable. Never Before Seen Principal comes in to observe, which gives Emily the chance to loudly claim how unhappy she is with “not being part of a team.” He asks to speak to her in private; a conference Mona strains to overhear.
Never Before Seen Principal tells Emily that she’s no saint. Maybe she needs to look at what made her get to this point! Man, Never Before Seen Principal is ice cold. It’s almost as if he was a character introduced in only one episode solely to advance the plot by being villainous! Naaaah.
Music room. Aria gets a text: “Truth hurts, sweetie. May hurt your new pal more than you. -A” Drink! Aria tries to observe the people in the room to see if they’re texting – Lucas has his back turned and Jenna’s digging in her purse . . . but produces gum. Man, what kind of contract do they have the actor who plays Lucas under? He can’t even show his face! He must have the tightest SAG contract evs.
In the courtyard, Hanna, Gertie and Noel are all in a group. They’re throwing a ball around and talking about their truths. I did that in college, but it was a different type of balls. Gertie misses her old school, where there were no naked photos of her circling around. Noel uses his turn with the ball to make snide remarks about Hanna and mean girls. Hanna steals the ball to make a dramatic declaration that She! Didn’t! Do! It! and then storms out.
Seriously, this is the worst lock-in ever conceived. Why is this happening to me. WHERE IS THE CHUBBY BUNNY GAME? We played four square and talked about Jesus in all the lock-ins I’ve ever been to and even that is WAY COOLER THAN THIS.
In the cafeteria, Emily and Mona talk during their break. Emily apologizes to Mona for the way Ali treated her – Emily “never tried to stop her, and {she} should of.” Mona looks sad for a minute and then gives Emily a tip – the boys on the football team? Get away with tons of stuff, and yet always get reinstated. Wonder why . . .
Mona’s so pretty! That hair is not two days old and fluffed up using Tresseme, though.
Music room. Jenna’s dramatically talking about all the Rosewoodians who’ve done her wrong, like she’s Tanya Fucking Tucker or something, but Caleb chimes in to explain that Jenna’s not exactly a Snow-White princess. She starts a lot of the conflict! Oh, good, Caleb. Put yourself even more on Jenna’s radar. You moron.
Hallways. Spencer finds Young Bobby and asks why it’s so important that he speak to Pa Hastings. As usual, he declines to answer.
Well, hey there, Young Bobby, formerly Butthair!
In the bathroom, where they have not bothered to check any of the closed stalls, Emily and Aria discuss the fact that no one has called back from the number in Ali’s coat. They decide to call and claim to be Vivian herself. But when they call, they get a real person who answers! No one knows anyone named Vivian. Don’t ever call here again! Well, that’s not at all strange or suspicious!
Emily gets called to Never Before Seen Principal’s office and Aria runs into Holden in the hallways. Holden asks if they’re still on for Saturday, but Aria can’t be a party to Holden hurting himself! Moral superiority from the tiny elf dressed like a crack addict!
The roof! Caleb and Hanna are hanging out and he wants to try to trace the message from Hanna’s phone. She doesn’t want any sort of realistic action that might lead to a solution! She just wants kisses! I understand this reasoning, Hanna, but not with a boy with Caleb’s hair.
Never Before Seen Principal’s office. It’s dark and quiet . . . but it’s Mona waiting for her! Mona’s helping Emily find evidence on Never Before Seen Principal. Mona quite easily hacks into his computer and finds his (presumably falsified) expense accounts. Her subterfuge causes Emily some trepidation. Mona’s sparkly silver shirt causes me some mixed feelings about the wardrobe department. I . . . like it? I think I like it.
Courtyard. Ma Hastings, Prozzie Mom and Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, are resting their tired old bones and discussing their daughters’ mutual downward spirals. Prozzie Mom thinks it started when the girls lost Alison but Ma Hastings thinks it started the moment they met Alison. I love that the Hastings hate the DiLaurentis family so much. They hate them almost as much as I do!
Never Before Seen Principal’s office. Mona and Emily find proof that the principal is taking bribes to reinstate other fallen sports stars at the school. Mona wants Emily to blackmail Never Before Seen Principal, but Em’s not so sure! She has morals!
Music room. Young Bobby is leaving someone a cryptic voicemail (“Same number, same house; you know where to find me”) when Ma Hastings walks in. Young Bobby wants to talk to Pa Hastings! This is his business. Spencer eavesdrops as . . .
Flashback! Drink! Ali is reading an article about that guy who put out that ad for someone he could kill and eat. I love that guy. He’s so . . . honest. Most Craigslist ads would be like “I’d like to find a special someone to consume with my passion,” but this guy is like, “Nope! I really want to eat someone! Anyone dying and willing to be eaten?” (As I recall, the ad was answered, and both parties were arrested.) Ali overhears Ma and Pa Hastings arguing downstairs. Pa Hastings is upset because he caught Young Bobby and Melissa making out!! Ali hopes Melissa and Young Bobby don’t want to start dating . . . because it’d be a match frowned upon by the gods. Ali, honey, anyone your brother or Melissa dates is frowned upon. Your brother and Melissa are both awful humans. Maybe they should make babies and we can try to isolate the asshole genetic marker that resides in both of them.
Hallways. Emily, Aria and Hanna are sharing lame lock-in snacks. Hanna sees Gertie slink in to the room – she removes her sweater (in slow mo!) before she eats. As she removes her sweater, Hanna catches sight of Gertie’s birthmark! But there was no such birthmark in the photo! What if it wasn’t A who sent the photo? What if it was Gertie?!
In the bathrooms, Hanna confronts Gertie. Why would she do that? What was Gertie supposed to do? Wait for Spencer to send out photos of her from riding camp?! Luckily, Aria and Emily are hanging out in the bathroom stalls, recording the conversation in order to clear Hanna’s good(ish) name!
Oh, sure, it’s fine when you guys do it, but when A does it, s/he is a villain! HYPOCRITES.
Hanna wants to find Prozzie Mom immediately so she can clear her name; meanwhile, she instructs Aria to warn Caleb off. He thinks it was Jenna who hacked into Hanna’s phone, and he might poke Jenna’s nest of angry hornets if he keeps at it.
It’s time now for us to learn some of Rosewood High’s secrets, all written with black light pens on the wall. One person is STILL a virgin. I KNOW. It’s completely shocking. Another’s parents are illiterate! Another person hates their life! This all seems so alien and foreign in high school, when everyone hates themselves and thinks no one but them has any problems in the world.
Aw, one person is afraid of their dad. I’m afraid that whoever that is doesn’t know how to use contractions. And then! One more secret: “I know who killed Alison DiLaurentis.” Awesome. Tell us so we can move on. Jenna and Noel are the ones reading (and presumably writing) all these secrets, but they pause to be threatening to Aria.
In the hallways, Holden sees Aria looking for Caleb and decides to follow her. Aria walks out onto the roof, leaving the door propped open.
Meanwhile, Spencer is about to talk to Young Bobby when she gets a text: “Don’t be scared, Spence. We’re all family here; some more than others. -A” Drink! Also, aww. Young Bobby is really Young Hastings. Spencer has to ask Young Bobby . . . is Pa Hastings his dad? Yep! And Ali knew!
Aria’s still out looking for Caleb (who is safely decoding Hanna’s phone in a classroom) when she gets locked out on the roof. Someone else is out there with her! Aria starts running and Noel grabs her . . . . then Holden karate kicks him! Fight club! Or Tooth Fairy.
Emily spies on Never Before Seen Principal talking to Mona . . . Mona’s blackmailed him into letting Emily back on the team! Aww, Mona likes having friends!
Meanwhile! Prozzie Mom is gloating to Isobel that Kate sent the photo herself. Isobel best check herself before she wrecks herself!
It’s time for some gross Hastings/DiLaurentis family drama. According to Ma Hastings, Melissa still doesn’t know that Young Bobby is Pa Hastings’ son. Spencer is too mad at Pa Hastings to even think about looking at or talking to him. Spencer, it was 20 years ago. I mean, not that your dad’s not a dick, cause he IS, but if your mom, who is ACTUALLY THE INJURED PARTY HERE, can get over it, so can you.
It’s montage time! Everyone’s camped out at the lock-in except for Spencer, who can’t sleep. Emily checks her phone for the time and realizes she has six missed call from the raincoat number. Then the number call again! Some guy asks Emily to meet him!! SUSPENSE!
Credits. All the school kids, fast asleep . . . and Gloved McEvilson steals Caleb’s laptop!
Well, that’s it for this week. To be honest, after last week I felt like this episode was kind of a snooze. Other than the Hastings/Young Bobby reveal, there wasn’t really much that was truth being outed. I want some answers!! Is Mona A? Did Jenna and Garrett kill Ali? Why does Noel continue to exist? Bleargh.
Your thoughts?
