What’s up, bitches? I’m too tired for my usual intro patter because I got up at 4:15 this morning and I sort of want to vomit on something and then fall asleep, so let’s pretend that I said something insightful yet funny, and that you read it and thought, “That Erin is so insightful, yet funny! I want to send her 100 American cash dollars.” And then let’s pretend that you sent that money and then I bought lots of cocktails with it, the end!!
That was a good game of pretend. Now let’s get to business.
Previously on Pretty Little Liars: Ian is a hanged man – maybe; the Liars have Ian’s videos but Gloved McEvilson erases the only copy, Aria’s parents, the models of good behavior, tell Aria she can’t see her friends anymore; Emily has a girlcrush on Samara; Emily might need to move to Texas; Mona tore up Caleb’s letter; Jason DiLaurentis is home; Ian OR MAYBE THE MIDWIFE is texting Melissa.
Show! The girls are still in the greenhouse, and zombies don’t text, you guys! Until Simon Pegg says they do! Spencer! What has Ian told Melissa? We all want to know! And by “we”, I mean them, and by “know”, I mean “pretend they want to know but then do no actual work towards figuring anything out so that we can stretch this plotline out at least eight more episodes.” You know what would be great? If Pretty Little Liars, which I do think has the potential to be a good show, took their plot resolution model from The Vampire Diaries instead of Lost. It would serve them better in both the long and the short run. Also this would be better for my sanity, not to mention my liver.
Also, who’s climbing all over the roof?!
Oh, meanwhile, the Liars aren’t supposed to be playing My Little Ponies together anymore, since their parents think they are bad for each other. Also, Jason DiLaurentis is back and trashing all of the cheesy-ass memorial teddy bears that people left on the front stoop for Alison. As well he should, because that shit is lame. SHE IS DEAD (or not), PEOPLE. She doesn’t need your teddy bears to help her on her journey to the great beyond. I know fuckall about, like, the afterlife or even religion, but I’m pretty sure that if anyone is up “there,” checking you in to your room in the afterlife, they aren’t like, “How many mylar balloons and watercolors did people leave on your front stoop? Oh, none? Sorry, I’m afraid all I can offer you is the economy room, to be shared with one of the members of Westboro Baptist Church. You should have been more beloved or died more tragically or been beloved and then died tragically. Princess Diana is in the Presidents’ Suite and has her own butler and ladyparts fluffer. Try harder next time!”
But obviously that is a joke because no way would a member of WBC even make it to an economy suite in any good version of the Afterlife. Does Heaven have a version of a Taco Cabana drive through at 2:15 am when you’re totally drunk but the only person working is a really bored sixty year old man who can’t figure out how to work the cash register and accidentally burned all the queso? Because if so, that’s where Fred Phelps is going.
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
Commercials! If you have a Verizon phone you can text something and the Pretty Little Liars will send you something over your super-fast 4G network. If you have AT&T you can text me and wonder why it takes five fuckin’ minutes for it to go through. Then I could text you back and my iPhone battery could drop from 90% charged to 67% charged and we’ll all share a good chuckle about our choices in life.
Show! Hanna doesn’t see why she has to go to therapy since Prozzie Mom doesn’t go to therapy, being that she is an insane person. Hanna’s dad is worried about her and will be coming to visit. So that will be fun for no one.
Meanwhile, Emily’s mom is restricting Emily’s phone usage and now she can only talk on the main house phone. Emily is all, “Talk! On a communal phone! In front of other people? In the living room?!” Oh, Emily. You are making me feel so old. Meanwhile, someone wants to rent Em’s house for a year. Mean-meanwhile, Emily’s computer gives her a system error when she tries to boot it. Her hard drive is, as she tells Spencer over the phone, “Gone. Blank.”
First of all, Emily; it’s called a system restore and it takes like five fucking minutes. Second, what is Spencer wearing? There is a giant belt and a striped shirt and overall, she looks like a Fashion Forward Working Lady who decided Ann Taylor Loft was too edgy and went straight to Contempo Casual. Why is this happening to my eyeballs?
Seriously, why is this happening?
Emily and Spencer are upset about the missing videos. Sysssssteeeemmmmmm REEEEEESSSTTTOOOOORRREE.
Melissa comes home from her ultrasound and thankfully shows Spencer a fairly regular ultrasound picture, and not one of those awful 3D ones. No offense, pregnant ladies whose doctors have the latest technology, but those 3D ultrasounds are ugly and everyone hates them. No. Seriously. We all hate them. I know we’re too nice to say anything; we, your coworkers, your friends, your sisters, your Facebook buddies from high school, but they are awful. Your fetus looks like it could jump out of the photo and eat me. Like maybe I could pay three extra dollars, don some ugly plastic glasses, and your fetus would come do a somersault SEEMINGLY IN FRONT OF MY FACE. Sure, we ooh and ahhh when presented with this possibility, but we are all secretly disquieted, disgusted and thinking “Man! Why the hell did I pay three extra dollars for this? I could have used that money on Sour Patch Kids.”
I’m just sayin’.
Melissa’s doc has ordered her to rest, and Spencer is all, “I could stay home and, uh, man your phone,” because Spencer is the worst Pretty Little Liar evs. Melissa declines.
School, Fitz’s class. It’s almost Fitz’s last day. Fitz looks like he’s trying to grow a goatee, which REALLY needs to not happen. Ever. EVER. Fitz, do not grow that goatee. Resist! Anyway, Aria and Fitz have to talk about their feelings or something because it’s a day that ends in Y and they are like the View of relationships.
Outside in the hall, Mona wants to get a going away gift for Fitz and wants Aria to pick it out, because they’re so . . . close. You have no idea, Mona. OR MAYBE YOU DO. Also Mona would like Aria to talk to Hanna for her, but Aria helpfully explains about how the girls aren’t supposed to hang out anymore and basically spills all her shizz out to Mona.
Aaaand now it’s lunchtime, and the Liars are looking askance at each other in the lunch line, like they are going to be ratted on by the lunch lady. Someone please explain to me how anyone will care that the girls ate lunch together? Unless, of course, it advances the plot in some way. Then everyone will care, FOR NO REASON.
Mona motions for Hanna to sit with her, but Hanna declines. Aww. Mona’s little face is sad.
Separately, all the girls get a text: “Look at you, all alone in the crowd. I win! – A” Drink!!
Outside, Spencer and Toby are meeting in the shadows. Toby doesn’t want to come back to school! He got a job! At Rosewood Construction! Toby professes a desire to leave his family, but not Spencer.
For a couple who are apparently existing in secret, they sure do make out at school a lot.
Swimming! Ooh, I wonder if Kat from 10 Things will be here! Emily is swimming and winning and – oh! It’s Samara! Being all huggy and shit, with her boobs everywhere. She asks Emily out on a date and Em hems and haws and then accepts. Then a swimming scout comes up! From Danby U, which must be the Convenient University In Town that the girls can all go to next year. He’s interested in Em! Not sexually! Obvs! There’s only room for ONE late-20s perv on this show!
Spencer’s house. Melissa’s upset by the newspapers, but not for the same reasons I usually am, while Spencer pretends to bake brownies for Jason DiLaurentis. She tries to dig into Ian and Jason’s friendship, but that doesn’t go well and Melissa totally shuts her down. I really want a brownie now.
Hanna’s! Her dad is pretending to care about Hanna for the first time in about three months. Quarterly parenting is very effective; you can time it against your tax returns or Depo-Provera injections. Do people still take Depo or do I sound like an Old now? Anyway, Hanna’s dad is going to stick around for a while, and he and Prozzie Mom flirt a bit.
Em’s. She’s packing. Em’s mom is concerned because it looks like someone broke into their garage and stole some camping gear. Suspicious and also weird! Who steals camping gear? “Ooh! A Coleman stove! SWEET!”
The DiLaurentis’ house. Spencer rings the bell and then makes cooing noises at a tiny doggy who is sniffing around the bushes (clearly something is buried). Then Jason comes out and throws something at the dog, and I stop watching this scene because of the haze of red over my eyes. Fuck you, Jason DiLaurentis. I hope you die in a fire.
Jason DiLaurentis is an awful fucker with ’90s butt hair.
Oh, wait. Apparently the cops think that Ian has left and ran away to be with Alison. Um. Alison is dead. Like, they recovered her corpse. I mean, I know the cops in Rosewood are dumb and some of them like to have sex with Jenna, but they aren’t THAT dumb, are they?
Flashback!! Drink! Jason is pissed because Alison is messing with his stuff. Alison stole one of Jason’s Japanese manga porn books. Alison hid it somewhere in the yard. She’s very secretive!
Swimming. Slo-mo swimming! My favorite kind, because I am a shitty swimmer. The Danby scout thinks Emily could get a scholarship. He’s worried about Emily moving, though, because apparently Rosewood is THE GREATEST DISTRICT EVS and if Em goes to any other school, she probably won’t get in to any college and will end up on the streets. Em claims she’s staying.
Spencer, meanwhile, is romantically stalking Toby at his work and sees his boss hand him a letter. The boss has fired Toby because the family of the house he was constructing upon didn’t want him there.
Fitz’s apartment. Aria’s there, on the phone with Fitz, who is stuck at the college to talk to some old people or something. Aria agrees to wait.
Em’s. She’s super-excited about the scouting. Emily’s mom will talk to her hot husband but thinks they could maybe stay in Rosewood. If Emily could get some kind of commitment from the University. Emily, by the way, is a junior. So that should go well.
Aria is still at Fitz’s, on the phone with Spencer about how long she’s been waiting at Fitz’s. But Spencer ditches Aria for Toby, so Aria (in really ugly orthopedic sandals) waits and waits at Fitz’s. It’s a waiting montage. I guess this is one of those things where I’m supposed to beall like, “Rah, girl power! And The Rules! Never make a date for Saturday after a Tuesday! Rah!” but really, it’s just waiting. You grab a book off their shelves, help yourself to their beer selection and relish not being at home and having to take out the trash.
Hanna’s. Mona’s leaving a message on the answering machine, asking Hanna to call her back. Hanna’s dad is all, “I am going to parent you now; here I go!” Hanna could not possibly care less. Blah blah, I totally dumped your mom for a younger model but only with the best intentions, blah blah.
Fitz’s. Aria is done waiting, so she handwrites a note – “Sorry we couldn’t make this work – Aria” – and leaves it IN THE TYPEWRITER. Fitz and Aria are so hipster that my irony just vomited itself up and then created a Tumblr about its own ironic vomit.
Commercials. CYBERBULLY!!!! WORDS CAN HURT! We’re totally recapping that.
Also, there is a new interactive game on the ABC Family Pretty Little Liars site, but they probably aren’t going to send you an iPad to play it. Maybe though. Those promo people are sort of crazy generous.
Show. Emily’s on a date with Samara! She’s talking about how she just needs a letter from the scouting officer and then she can stay! Then Emily gets all weird about how she and Maya once went to the movie together. And then the girls talk about their first girlfriends. Jesus, is this what happens on lesbian first dates? Because if so, no wonder the Lilith Fair was so popular in the 90s. Stop talking about your feelings, ladies; this isn’t Maury Povich. Or The View.
The only room in the only theatre in town.
At The Only Restaurant In Rosewood, Mona is sitting alone. Until Hanna comes in to join her. Mona is wearing a lovely green dress. The girls make up and Mona is all, “No one’s ever forgiven me before!” Um. What? I don’t even know what that means, Mona. No one has ever forgiven you for ANYTHING? Like, one time when you accidentally stepped on the back of someone’s sandal because maybe they were walking a little too slowly in front of you, and you said, “Oh! I’m sorry!” that other person was like, “Yeah? WELL FUCK YOU!” and spent THE REST OF THEIR LIFE thinking about how much they hated you? REALLY?
Also, you have to know that, in the Christian version of events, God just watched that scene and totally shrugged His shoulders at Jesus and Jesus was like, “Yeah, THANKS, DAD. I guess I died for NOTHING.”
Meanwhile, Spencer and Toby are arguing about what she should have done with Ian and Melissa’s texts. I wish those two would just do it already. Their angst is boring me. Also I think maybe their chin dimples could match up and create some sort of electromagnetism.
Also, Spencer is wearing a business suit. Avec shoulder pads. This show, I swear.
At Spencer’s house, Aria comes over to visit, but is a little disturbed to see broken glass at Spencer’s house. And then a figure comes rushing down the stairs and rams into Aria. And then runs away. Scary! He knocks her out of her ugly shoes!
Here’s an idea: When you see a broken window, don’t go in the house. Go outside and call the cops.
Commercials. I am totally going to see that Monte Carlo movie, or, as I am calling it, “That movie in which Leighton Meester and Katie Cassidy had unfortunate clauses in their contract and also Selena Gomez is in it.”
ALSO. On a commercial, Joe Jonas is attempting to grow a beard. It looks like ass. Like actual ass. Like his face has melded to his butt.
Show. Aria has a sprained wrist but is otherwise okay. Spencer and Aria discuss what A would want with breaking into Spencer’s and Emily’s houses. What if it wasn’t A? What if it was someone who needed camping gear because they are on the run? Someone . . . like Ian?
Thunder! Lightning! Rain! That didn’t happen here, for the 250th day in a row. Sigh.
School. Emily can’t get an offer letter from the scout, obvs, because college doesn’t do that shizz. Meanwhile, Fitz’s class gives him a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird as a goodbye present. Um. They gave him a copy of a book HE ALREADY HAS. Nice going, jerks. Fitz does one of those awkward things where he pours his feelings out to Aria under the disguise of talking to his class. He quotes Joseph Campbell, because Fitz has no idea how to woo women. Aria runs out to think.
Then there is a slow-mo shot of Aria running to make up with Fitz! But he is gone! She’ll NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN, because he is going to teach at the University four miles from her house! But then I guess she sees him outside and runs out to meet him, and they full on MAKE OUT IN THE PARKING LOT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. Like, slow-mo making out, with the sun making rainbows, and shit. It’s supposed to be romantic, BUT IT IS NOT.
“I don’t wanna wait! For my liiiiife to be ooover!”
Spencer’s. Melissa’s chilling on the couch, claiming she’s been in all day. But her super cute wellies are muddy! And Spencer finds a photo of the ultrasound in her raincoat! WHAT COULD IT ALL MEAN?
Time for a Liars conference in the greenhouse so that they can tell us what it all means! Melissa obviously walked outside to show Ian the scan picture! Obviously! ISN’T IT OBVIOUS?The Liars decide they have to stick together.
On the way back from their conference, the girls walk by the DiLaurentis’ house and see that Jason has dug up the area that the dog was sniffing at earlier. Jason tries to make like Season One Jason from True Blood, alternately creepy and stupid, and claims to be building a fence. The Liars don’t believe him.
Credits. The doggy is back and digging in the hole in Jason’s yard. DOGGY!!! You’re so cute! Aren’t you a good doggy? Aren’t you a sweet doggy?! And then the Gloved McEvilson shows up (whistling manfully) and pets the doggy. I get SUPER SCARED that the Gloves are going to kill the doggy, but that thankfully doesn’t happen. Phew!
‘Til next week, bitches!