Aww, yeah. Girl, today we’re gonna discuss Pretty Little Liars. You know how I know? Cause it’s Tuesday, and Tuesday is the day we discuss PLL. Sunday night we usually get drunk on champ cans, and Monday night we visit your mother, but Tuesday is the day we discuss PLL.
It’s Liars, it’s Pretty Little Liars time!
Hanna’s. Emily is back from the police station, after discussing Maya. Maya has apparently run away! Emily kind of doesn’t really want to talk about it, but Hanna urges Maya to tell the cops every detail she can think of. Emily is hurt and worried about Maya, who still refuses to return her calls.
The Car of Sisterly Strangeness. Melissa is explaining to Spencer that Garrett has been a good friend! He’s been helping her sort out her feelings about Ian! But now Melissa thinks her friendship with the psychotic, power-hungry 20-something who is sleeping with a teenaged sociopathic rapist might have been a mistake, because she thinks she shared “too much” with Garrett. Like what, Melissa? Well, for instance: the day that Alison went missing, Ma and Pa Hastings randomly stopped fighting. And Pa Hastings seemed relieved to hear that Alison had gone missing. Melissa tells Spencer that she sent Alison some angry, unsigned texts (after catching Ali flirt with Ian. Um, shouldn’t Ian be the recipient of these texts, Melissa?), and that Pa Hastings supported her. She thinks that Pa Hastings might somehow be involved in Alison’s death!! Spencer reluctantly tells Melissa her suspicions that Pa Hastings was being blackmailed by Alison. The show is trying to make me think that Melissa is all of a sudden an interested sister, trying to protect Spencer. Naturally I suspect that she’s about to shovel Spencer to death and bury her body in a shallow grave.
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
Aria’s House of Woodland Delights. Today’s ridiculous outfit is a maxi-length cheetah-print skirt. Oh, Aria. Shopping in Crazy Great Aunt Ethel’s closet again? Aria’s getting ready for school when Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, lurks in. Actor/Director Chad Lowe will be coming home soon from wherever the show writers have conveniently stashed him and he is excited for the upcoming Father/Daughter Dance! Aria seems to think that Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is fully on board with the fitzing that is going on. HMC’s all, “uh, not really, kiddo. But I’m going to keep this from your father for now because I’m as bad a wife as I am a parent.”
Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash. Prozzie Mom is getting ready for work when Jerk Detective phones! He wants to know where Hanna got that police report! Prozzie Mom is all, “you are the cop, jack hole! Figure out who’s torturing my daughter or I’m going to talk to your boss!” Hanna comes in, and it seems like Deadbeat Dad is being true to his nickname and passing on the Father/Daughter dance. Asshole. Prozzie Mom offers to come in his place and ooh!! GUYS! Actor/Director Chad Lowe directed this episode!! Anyway, Hanna agrees to be escorted by Prozzie Mom. Aww, I like Prozzie Mom. She’s seriously the only mom on this show who is fully devoted to her kid. Emily’s mom is almost as devoted to Em as she is to Major Hot Dad, but you can’t really blame her for that, since Major Hot Dad is SO DAMN FINE. Ma Hastings and Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, do not even warrant mentioning.
School. Hilariously, the girls have just received a text from A off-screen! I like this approach, since I can’t drink while watching this episode (Lent, sigh), and therefore it’s like they’re looking out for me. I’ll be sure to blaspheme more than usual to make up for this! Spencer tries to convince the other girls that Melissa isn’t A, and she does bring up the good point that it seems unlikely that Melissa would text herself from Ian’s phone if she was the one who killed Ian. They all decide not to take the video that Caleb recovered from A’s phone to the cops, because it’s a day ending in -y. Spencer begs for more time to prove Melissa’s innocence!
Spencer’s. She arrives home to see a present on the counter as Melissa’s getting ready to leave for her apparently weekly OB/GYN appointment. Um, she’s in, like, her sixth month, right? Are weekly appointments necessary? What is she hatching in there, the child of Satan? Well, actually. . . The present is from Pa Hastings and it’s an obscenely large diamond necklace. Damn, Pa Hastings!! I’ll let you knock up someone and give me a half-brother if I get a necklace like that! Oh, wait. I guess you’d have to knock up my mom, huh? Never mind. Melissa thinks that Pa Hastings is up to some shady shit (I think Melissa is deflecting like the world’s most trained WASP), but Spencer is won over. Troian Bellisario looks so young and vulnerable here. I really hope she gets to do cool things after this show is over; she has genuine talent.
Prozzie Mom meets Jerk Detective in secret! He wants to see Hanna’s phone! He thinks her phone will give them the answers to who this mysterious A is! Well, they’re not wrong. Prozzie Mom looks swayed by his earth logic. YES, PLEASE! Adults, I beg you – please take over and get this mystery solved so we can move on to the ACTUALLY CRAZY parts of this series!
Meanwhile, on The Only Street in Rosewood, Mona and Hanna are discussing Mona’s community service when they see Prozzie Mom and Jerk Detective meeting in secret. Ruh roh. This is what happens when you choose to meet on The Only Street in Rosewood!
At home, Hanna’s very upset with Prozzie Mom. She wants to know why she and Jerk Detective are meeting!Prozzie Mom is all, “Jerk Detective has just as much at stake as we do! He wants to help!” Also they both refer to Jerk Detective as Wilden, but I refuse to do that.
Hanna, you are copping so much attitude that I don’t even care to ask you how you got your hair to curl like that.
Aria’s House of Woodland Delights. Hey! It’s Mike! Shaving for the first time! Aw, puberty. Mike lets Aria know that he knows about the fitzing as well. He wants to know whether dating Fitz is worth all the problems. I can guarantee you, Mike; it is not. Of course, Aria takes the woodland fairy approach, all “love is beautiful! When you cut trees down, I cry! We’ll always have Ferngully!”
Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash. MAJOR HOT DAD!! I REPEAT, MAJOR HOT DAD IS IN THE BUILDING. And he is bearing caffeine. Major Hot Dad, ditch Pam and MARRY ME. Emily is happy to have her dad home, but probably not because he’s so hot. Emily tells Major Hot Dad that Maya has run away. He councils her to check the bus station – maybe Maya got a ticket there. Then he tells her about the time he ran away! I bet he made his way to New Mexico by selling his hot body. Major Hot Dad is going to help Em track down Maya. Aw, he is the BEST. I love him so much. I’d love him more if he were in my bed, of course.
MAJOR HOT DAD Y U SO HOT???????
Spencer’s. She’s staring at her blood diamond necklace when Pa Hastings comes in. He invites her to play tennis, which is like the Hastings’ version of shooting guns, I guess. (In that it’s the way that fathers and daughters bond in my family.) Pa Hastings is Really Trying, with capital letters-worthy intensity, to make things up to Spencer. Aww. I’ve already forgiven him. I’m a sucker for dads who are nice to their daughters, though, and my standards for niceness are pretty low. Make projections about my family’s dynamic as you will!
Also, I’m distracted by Spencer’s outfit. It’s actually pretty cute, but she’s wearing boots whilst laying on her bed. No. Never, Spencer. Not ever. After Pa Hastings leaves, Spencer starts snooping in his study. Hey, we were in here a few weeks ago, when Gloved McEvilson stole a gun! Spencer, on the other hand, just flips through a receipt book and then the Hastings’ tax returns from the last few years. There is a receipt for cash . . . for 15 grand! Uh oh.
Melissa comes in to the study and finds Spencer going through the books, but Spencer plays it off very lamely. Spencer leaves and Melissa looks suspicious.
Bus station. Emily’s questioning one of the ticket agents about Maya, but he’s not interested until he sees Major Hot Dad. Then he stands at attention! Not in a boner way; he recognizes Major Hot Dad’s Army hat. I know. I like to think it was the boner way too. The ticket agent did see Maya! He sold her a ticket to San Francisco, BUT later he saw her standing outside talking to someone sitting in a blue, maybe black car. Um, like Garrett’s? But surely he’d recognize the ridiculous stripes on Garrett’s car. WHO COULD IT BE?! The ticket agent can’t say for sure if Maya got on the bus.
Aria’s House of Woodland Delights. Actor/Director Chad Lowe shows up to direct himself in a scene. He’s excited about the dance, but Aria’s a total bitch about it. And looks to be picking out couch fabric to wear to the dance. Man, is there ANYTHING redeemable about Aria? Anything at all? Someone please tell me, because except for possibly fitting into small cupboards during a game of Hide and Seek, I can find nothing about Aria Montgomery that doesn’t make me want to punch her in the face.
Hanna’s. Emily just misses a call from Maya, but when she calls back, she gets no answer.
Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash. Prozzie Mom wants to know where the police report came from! If Hanna won’t give her the answers, then she’s going to take Hanna’s phone. Hanna throws her phone in the dish water in protest. Man, Hanna, what the fuck has crawled up your ass and died? Prozzie Mom is the only good parent you’ve got! Also, Prozzie Mom! Grab the phone out of the water and pop out the SIM card and stick the phone in a bowl of rice! It’ll dry out! Don’t tell me you don’t have any rice in your carbs stash!
It’s time for the Father/Daughter dance! MAJOR HOT DAD IS IN UNIFORM!!! HOLY SHIT, MY LOINS. MY LOINS ARE AFIRE!!! Emily is having some sort of discussion about Maya and her dad, but whatever! UNIFORM! Oh, wait. Oh, no. Major Hot Dad’s being shipped out to Afghanistan. NOOOOO. Major Hot Dad can’t die!!! They go to dance to Tears for Fears. I AM TOO UPSET TO GO ON.
WHY DO YOU GIVE HIM TO ME ONLY TO TAKE HIM AWAAAAAAAY.
Actor/Director Chad Lowe is trying to talk to his awful jerk of a daughter, but it’s not going well. Eh, put her up for adoption, Byron. No one would miss her.
Hanna manages to summon the Liars + Mona out in the hall and tells them that Prozzie Mom is hot on A’s trail. Mona looks scared. Hanna has really great nail polish. I digress. They all wonder what to do . . . but Mona has a plan! It involves Aria lying to someone close to her. I can’t see how this will go badly!
It’s time for Spencer and Pa Hastings’ awkward dance time. Pa Hastings is trying so hard. Man! Everyone but Emily is such a jerk to their parents! I hate them! Anyway, Spencer tells Pa Hastings that she found a receipt for 15000 dollars. Pa Hastings looks confused or worried or possibly is just wondering about his golf game.
Aria spends some more time acting like a total dick to her dad and then ditches him at the dance. I can’t tell if this is part of Mona’s plan or if it’s just Aria being her naturally dickish self.
Outside of school, Spencer sees someone ride up in a motorcycle. Toby? We don’t know; he doesn’t stick around.
Emily and Major Hot Dad are dancing and he’s so sweet and I LOVE HIM. MARRY ME OR BE MY DAD, MAJOR HOT DAD! I WILL TAKE EITHER! MAJOR HOT DAD FOR PRESIDENT!
Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash. Aria’s confessing to Prozzie Mom that she’s the one who sent Hanna the shoplifting report! Hanna’s been shoplifting again, see, and Aria did it to scare her straight. So this was Mona’s plan? It seems so lame. This isn’t going to keep the adults from investigating, Mona. Are you A or are you just a bad planner? I AM SO CONFUSED.
Hilariously, Aria’s all, “yep, I’m A! A for Aria!” Heh. Thanks, show writers.
Spencer’s. She and Pa Hastings are in his office, and it’s been messed with! He notices that the gun’s missing, and calls the cops. Aria sees a file on his desk, full of photos of Alison. Melissa’s plant job? Spencer confronts Pa Hastings about the photos – he claims that he gave the photos to a PI. He hired a PI to look into Ali’s disappearance (which is also where the cash went), because he was worried that Melissa had something to do with it. She’d been sending Alison threatening messages, see, and was so angry! He had to protect his daughter!
Aria’s House of Woodland Delights. Actor/Director Chad Lowe checks in on Mike, since Aria no longer wants to talk to him. You know, now that I know Chad Lowe is Rob Lowe’s brother, they DO look a lot alike. Huh.
Spencer is trying to eavesdrop on the cops when Melissa sneaks up. Spencer tells Melissa that Pa Hastings’ gun is missing. Melissa is all, “wah! I can’t stay here, with this bad energy!” She leaves for Philly. OR TO KILL SOMEONE WITH A GUN IN MYSTIC FALLS.
I DON’T TRUST YOU!
Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash!! Oh! Prozzie Mom is too smart for Aria! Which is not difficult. She’s invited Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, over for coffee and A-investigation. They vow to get answers . . . but Gloved McEvilson’s eavesdropping.
Aria’s House of Woodland Delights. Hanna is over when Aria gets a phone call from Random Stranger (Jonah). Next thing you know, they’re all in Brookhaven (which is apparently a ghetto in this show. Yeah, right.). It seems that Alison was getting texts from more than one number. The other number came from around here somewhere . . . which is when they see a store full of the kind of creepy dolls that A sent to the girls last season. AAH! Aria goes to Spencer’s car to grab Alison’s red jacket, which of course makes someone address her as “Vivien.” “Vivien” must have been really interesting, since any brunette in a red trench coat is recognized as her! And who is this person? Some dude! Mike? No. Maybe? Have we seen this dude before? Aria looks like she knows him but the ONLY boys on this show that I recognize are Toby and Caleb and Lucas – Mike and Noel look exactly the same to me. WHO IS THIS?
Right? Doesn’t that look like a face of recognition? Or is this just Lucy Hale not being a great actress?
Credits. Gloved McEvilson buys a copy of the Rosewood Observer, in which Maya’s photo is front and center above a headline declaring her missing.
Only two more episodes left!! There’s an explosion! And Toby’s back! But he’s made amends with Jenna? Hanna’s in danger! A WILL BE REVEALED! What are our thoughts, party people?!