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Happy Tuesday, ladies and Brian! Did you guys watch Pretty Little Liars tonight? Are you guys as confused as I am as to what’s going down between Jenna and Toby? (Please don’t let it be rape again.)
Last week, our Liars’ fathers tried to be as cool or as hot as Major Hot Dad, and they all failed, because Major Hot Dad is the greatest. Hanna tried to keep Prozzie Mom (the only person who seems to care to figure out what’s going on) out of the loop, and a strange boy recognized Alison’s red coat. Step inside to dish on last night’s ep!
Ooh! Cupcakes! This is already my favorite episode all season! The girls are conversing The Stranger Who Recognized the Red Coat. Aria spoke to him offscreen- his name is Duncan Albert – and he’s been gone from Brookhaven for a while. He used to talk to Vivien when she would come into his bookstore. And then!! JENNA shows up! WITH TOBY! And it looks like Jenna has had her operation. But whatever. TOBY IS BACK. Toby, don’t hang out with your rapist! Hang out with Spencer!
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash. Prozzie Mom refuses to replace Hanna’s phone, which I think is awesome, because Hanna’s being a giant brat and doesn’t deserve a phone. She’s also wearing what looks to be a polyester jumpsuit, so a phone doesn’t even go with that outfit. Neither do microwaves, ATMs, or the fall of the Berlin Wall. She looks like she’s from the 80s, is where I’m going with this. Hanna should buy herself an Iran Contra-band phone and New Wave her mother goodbye. Prozzie Mom is all, “want a new phone? SHARE WHAT’S GOING ON!” and then clomps off to go to work. The camera pans out and I see that Hanna is not wearing a jumpsuit; she is in fact wearing a see-through maxi skirt, the last of which I saw on a stripper in 1999. Hanna, that’s not an improvement.
Oh, no, girl. NO.
At school, Mona has gifted Hanna a burner phone (BAD MOVE, HANNA) and hilariously supplies everyone with anti-bacterial gel. Mona’s totally the reason why the bird flu exists. The bell rings and everyone scatters. Emily gets a text . . . but it’s from Maya. She’s safe, but doesn’t want Emily to say anything.
Hallways. Oh! It’s Toby!! Spencer is so, so awkward while trying to talk to him. It doesn’t help that Toby is being TOTALLY CLOSED OFF, arms crossed and everything. They discuss Jenna’s surgery, but Toby has put highlights in his hair, so let’s talk about that instead. How do we feel about these highlights, ladies and Brian? I am not pleased with them. It may just be the way the light is hitting them, but when he puts his chin down slightly, his hair looks downright frosted. Uh, Tobes, they didn’t have to take your eyesight away to restore Jenna’s, right? You can still see? Let’s do something about this hair color situation then, please! Toby tells Spencer that Jenna has had it harder than anyone, because apparently, BEING A CREEPY RAPIST IS A HARD KNOCK LIFE and he is in general very shirty to Spencer. Spencer’s little heart breaks all over the place. OH, SPENCE.
Look at her little heart breaking! Look at those highlights!
Courtyard. Aria’s meeting with Duncan, The Stranger Who Recognized the Red Coat. Aria proves that she really knew “Vivien” by saying that her real name is Alison. It turns out that Duncan didn’t know that Alison was dead. He’s very upset to learn the news. He must not have known her that well. Except that “Vivien” used to talk to Duncan a lot. And he saw her the weekend she disappeared!
The girls are discussing the news that Duncan gave them when they see Garrett squealing down the street in his stupid car. Then they all get a text! “When there’s smoke, there’s payback! -A” Drink! In my case, drink sparkling apple cider. The girls see Toby, Jenna and the fire marshals walk out of Toby and Jenna’s house. They’re pointing out the garage, presumably telling them about the night that Jenna was blinded in the explosion. TOBES! DON’T DO THIS!!
Hanna, when Aria is better dressed than you, well . . .
Commercials. Pretty Little Liars is being brought to us by Victoria’s Secret. REALLY? Because maybe that’s not appropriate for a teen show and this is – WAIT! There’s a preview for TIM RIGGINS IN A LOINCLOTH!! And Taylor Kitsch is talking and his hair is shorter but he has a beard thing going on and TIM RIGGINS!!!!
Sorry. Show. At the hospital, Jenna is nattering on to Toby about all the things she’s going to do when she gets her eyesight back. Toby sees Wren and gets angry. Jenna twists the knife a little further.
Meanwhile, Spencer has taken to reading on benches outside the school. Emily finds her, but Spencer is freaking out. She thinks that dumping Toby drove him to Jenna. Wellll. They also talk briefly about Major Hot Dad (still alive, thank god) and Maya (still alive, meh). Em doesn’t know what to do about Maya.
In the hallways, Young Bobby (aka Jason) catches up with Spencer and Em. He has some of Alison’s things that Maya dropped off at some point. Young Bobby specifically mentions that he saw in THE PAPER that Maya was missing. Maybe nothing, but that is how Gloved McEvilson learned the news.
Hollis. Fitz and Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, are having the world’s most awkward Parent/Teacher conference. I’m not even going to bother discussing this, because this whole situation pisses me off. Until Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, asks Fitz if he knows if anyone is bullying Aria. Fitz thinks about Awful Jackie.
School. Mona is wearing the world’s most gigantic belt buckle. Mona and Hanna scheme a way to get Toby away from Jenna. Which Mona does by pretending that she needs help buying an ugly truck. Mona makes this artifice last approximately seven seconds and then hilariously drops the scheme entirely when Hanna walks in the room. Oh, Mona. I hope you aren’t A, so that you can stick around. Hanna begs Toby to give Spencer another chance but Toby isn’t budging! And he’s supporting Jenna! Gross!
Mona could use that belt buckle as a weapon.
Spencer’s. Young Bobby is over, along with Emily and Aria, looking over Alison’s bag that Maya dropped off. Aria is hot on the trail of What Duncan Knows, so she goes off to meet him. Emily unwraps Alison’s music box, but they’re interrupted by Ma Hastings, who isn’t pleased to see Young Bobby in her kitchen. Ma Hastings got a haircut! It looks pretty good!
The Ghetto That Is Brookhaven. Aria is meeting Duncan at an airplane hanger. Apparently Duncan used to take Alison flying. And now he will discuss flying! In the air! With Aria! Well, I’d only talk to Aria if I could drown out her voice with jet engines as well. Duncan waxes poetic about his love for Alison. There’s this whole metaphor about flying and control and whatever. Boring. At any rate, Alison was being bothered by someone. Duncan wants to know whether Ian was the killer, and Aria shares their theory that they think someone else did it. Duncan is the one who flew Alison home from Hilton Head the weekend that she died. She was in town hours earlier than the girls assumed!
Spencer’s. Alison’s things are all spread out, and man are they weird. Strange little voodoo dolls, beaded necklaces, basic crap.
Hollis. Oh, good, now Actor/Director Chad Lowe has come in to talk about the Fitzing. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? Anyway, Fitz isn’t going to take the job that he isn’t qualified for. Actor/Director Chad Lowe is displeased; expect them both to start measuring the stream of their piss any minute.
Why does this plotline still exist?
Emily’s checking her email and she has one from Maya. It’s a bunch of nonsensical emotional crap about Emily’s stillness and how much Maya respects her and blah blah.
Spencer’s. She’s wrapping up Alison’s things when Ma Hastings shows up to be WASPy and angry about Young Bobby again. Young Bobby just wants to blow things up! That’s all the DiLaurentis have ever wanted! Hmm, what a strange parallel to Toby’s plotline right now. Spencer tells Ma Hastings about her theory that Pa Hastings was being blackmailed – Ma Hastings tells Spence that hiring the detective was her idea. Spencer’s wearing a lovely top, by the way. Good show, costume people.
Later, Hanna has come over to talk about Toby. They discuss Alison’s Bag o’ Crap. Hanna finds a newspaper from July of 2009, which is before Alison disappeared. And there’s stuff highlighted! Spencer tells Hanna to get back the Bag o’ Crap from Young Bobby’s back porch and call Emily and Aria – they’ve got a clue!
Ugh, let’s halt this exciting thing by talking about Fitz and Aria some more. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, and Actor/Director Chad Lowe argue about Fitz and the Fitzy job and the fact that they could have Fitz arrested for statutory rape. MOVE ON!
Hanna is grabbing the bag from Young Bobby’s house when she hears a loud sound from inside. She looks in the window and sees Jenna falling against the window. Hanna goes in to get her with Spencer coming in to help, and as they drag an unconscious Jenna out, the house explodes! WHOA! (It also takes the Bag o’ Crap with it.)
Hospital. Jenna’s in a bed and Toby’s looking after her. Jenna claims she got a text (voice text) from Young Bobby, so she took a cab to his house. Someone opened the door and that’s all she can remember. Toby tells Jenna that Hanna saved her, which seems to upset Jenna even more than nearly being burned alive.
Outside Jenna’s room, Aria’s filling Hanna and Emily in on what she learned from Duncan. Aria is also wearing a dress with giant knit fish on it. Like, it’s something that Ms. Frizzle would wear before her kids went on the Magic School Bus to the bottom of the ocean. What the fuck? Prozzie Mom comes in and she and Hanna make up, which is good, because SOMEONE needs to tell Hanna that you can’t wear white formal shorts after Labor Day! As in, the day you are born after your mother’s labor. As in, EVER. You can NEVER wear them.
The lack of a phone obvs makes Hanna go mental.
Spencer is having bits of glass taken out of her hand by Wren. Wren asks about Toby and then hits on her some more. I mean, Wren, I understand that she IS the greatest person in Rosewood, but she’s still TOO YOUNG FOR YOU.
Oh, hey, Young Bobby is at the hospital too! He apparently wasn’t there when Jenna was in his house. He and Ma Hastings stare at each other from across the waiting room.
It’s montage time!! Emily calls Maya’s parents and tell her that she’s safe. Spencer spies Young Bobby and Ma Hastings talking and seeming to get along. And Toby delivers the news that Jenna requests an audience with the girls.
At which! Jenna is crying! And doesn’t blame them for the fire (which fire?)! She tearfully asks Hanna why Hanna saved her life, to which Hanna just replies “You’re welcome.”
Spencer’s. Oh, hey! The Bag o’ Crap survived! The girls go through everything while discussing who could have tricked Jenna. They find half of a postcard with #1 written on the back. And a newspaper from Labor Day! And then the music box goes off, tinkling Beethoven’s Ninth. Which leads us into . . .
Credits. Gloved McEvilson sneaks around in the detritus from Young Bobby’s blown up house . . . and places Garrett’s cop badge in the midst. Oooh!
Only two more episodes left for the season, guys! WHAT THE EFF IS GOING TO HAPPEN? Who do you think is A? Would Jenna really go so far as to lock herself into a burning building to implicate Garrett? Is the real A pissed at Jenna and Garrett’s meddling? Will Spencer and Toby get back together? Sound off in the comments below!
