Well, MY name is Erin, but my nickname is actually Trouble. I don’t know why, either, since I am 100% sweetness and light and, like, often deliver baked goods to people in charming little baskets. Honestly. I’m just a potty-mouthed, poor Martha Stewart.
Did you guys watch PLL last night and are dying to discuss? Did you not watch PLL last night but want to know what happened? Do you care not at all about PLL but you are my friend or family member and are tired of hearing me whine, “Why don’t you support my dreeeeeaaams?” If so, read on!
Previously on PLL: Emily could get a full scholarship if they’ll totally forgo those pesky NCAA rules; Melissa was going to marry a dude named Wren before he fell for Spencer; Fitz’s ex is back in town; Ian is maybe alive and maybe texting Melissa; BabyCop!Garrett and Jenna are definitely fucking; Jason DiLaurentis is home; the girls can’t see each other; Jason is mad at Spencer; someone was in Spencer’s house attacking Aria; Melissa is a lying liar who lies.
Show! The girls are watching a silent movie at The Only Movie Theatre in Rosewood. As sixteen year old girls are wont to do. Spencer’s theory is that Ian is staying at Jason DiLaurentis, but no one else thinks that’s possible. Spencer thinks she sees someone in the otherwise empty theatre and then the screen starts going all haywire. Bad print? Or Scream 2 homage? FUCK YES! I love Scream 2!! God, I hope someone gets stabbed in the ear soon. I mean, someone on this show. Not me. That would hurt.
Indeed, there seems to be a gloved, hooded stranger in the theatre with the girls, but just as he charges them . . . Spencer wakes up. Damn! I mean, I guess it explains why they were randomly A) watching a silent film and B) the only people in the theatre watching said silent film, which obvs in real life would be filled with insufferable film majors from the local college and the gullible freshmen they were trying to impress, but I was really hoping for a Scream 2 episode. I think from this point on, I’m going to pretend that every scene on this show is actually a scene from Scream 2/Final Destination! I will kill everybody in increasingly elaborate and ridiculous ways! Or increasingly tedious and pedestrian ways, depending on how bored I get with this idea in the next three thousand words!
Right, so. Melissa is searching for her wedding ring in the couch, waking Spencer up in the process. There is some banter about pregnancy swelling, which is cute since Melissa is like .5 months pregnant. But, seriously, folks. If you know a pregnant lady, give her a hand or offer her your seat. Nothing says misery like being eight months pregnant, center of gravity somewhere near your knees, with ankles and feet so swollen that they could be used as life rafts on the Titanic. Pregnant ladies’ toes look like Vienna sausages. They have to be very careful not to time travel to the 40s or those toes will be eaten as the weekly “meat” option by Londoners everywhere.
Melissa’s phone rings and Spencer is her oh-so-subtle self as she asks if she can answer Melissa’s phone. Obviously not. Today someone called me but I didn’t recognize the number so I let it go to voicemail and it turned out to be from a lady who claims I won a free happy hour at a new bar downtown. Probably they just called a bunch of numbers randomly, but I like to think I’m on some sort of registry in town as Local Drunk and therefore they want to use my friends and I as a focus group.
Melissa answers the phone and runs off suspiciously, while Spencer tries to eavesdrop. Just then, a mounted moose head falls from the wall and stabs Spencer through the skull!
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
Commercials! Beastly is now on DVD! Oh, that’ll be fun for no one.
Oh! Also! A commercial about Monte Carlo in which Leighton Meester is thinking, “I was in Country Strong, bitches. Now I’m playing back up for fucking Justin Bieber’s girlfriend.”
Show. EW! Hanna’s house, and Hanna’s dad and Prozzie Mom are fucking canoodling in the Kitchen of Carbs and Coffee. EW! Stop that! An acquaintance of mine happens to be the child of divorced parents who are currently, like, having an affair or something. I asked him how he felt about this, and he said, “When I was a kid, I just wanted them to get back together. Now I think it’s fucking gross.” So there you have it, divorced people. No one wants you guys to even talk to each other.
Hanna and Prozzie Mom have a discussion about how, you know, Hanna’s dad is ENGAGED to be MARRIED to SOMEONE ELSE. And Prozzie Mom is all, “People grow and change! Your father and I like to laugh together! Particularly after enjoying a round of mutual masturbation!” And then a serial killer sneaks in and kills her by pouring scalding coffee on her face and then burying her under a mountain of frozen waffles.
School. The girls are meeting in the bathroom and discussing the fact that Emily hasn’t received a letter from Danby U saying, “Yes, we are drafting your sixteen year old daughter to have a full ride at our University, in flagrant disregard for the rules of our governing body, the NCAA. Also please accept this complimentary car and house from our Boosters.” Nothing less than that will convince Mrs. Emily’s Mom Who I Begrudgingly Like to stay in Rosewood.
Also, Aria is starting her art class at Hollis (the local University) today. She’s going to use it to spy on Fitz and his ex-girlfriend, and also to learn about, like, shading and light or something. Also, Hanna has stolen a large tube of expensive moisturizer! Just keeping you guys updated on the facts.
Then a lady comes in and looks at the girls suspiciously while they scramble, as if she knows they aren’t supposed to hang out and/or she finds it weird that girls would congregate in the bathroom to discuss moisturizer. Obviously she isn’t really a human, since she is so taken aback by this normal human behavior, so I can only presume she is a Terminator. Therefore obviously she murders all four girls using a high-powered death ray.
Hallways. Toby is waiting around for Spencer and they have a conversation about Toby’s new job – for Jason DiLaurentis! What? – while everyone stares at them in shock. Toby needs to get money for a truck he has his eye on! He wants to leave the house of brother-raping! Spencer makes him promise not to go into Jason’s house and they kiss before Toby lives. Toby does this leaning thing before he kisses. I am such a fucking sucker for a leaning kisser. You know what I mean? Where they stand near you and tilt their head but then they lean their body into you and sort of sneak up from beneath your chin? Posh and I were at the Ultimate Party Down Marathon this weekend, and Adam Scott is a leaning kisser. I mean, on the show. I have no knowledge of his real life kissing style. It was nice to watch so many leaning kisses on the big screen.
That is the face of a girl who knows she’s about to get a leaning kiss.
I’m feeling so magnanimous about this scene, in fact, because of the leaning kiss, that I will only kill a random blonde extra in the background. She chokes to death on a poison delivered to her in a Dr. Pepper can. The pruney taste of DP masks the poison’s metallic tinge. It’s really quite gruesome; she chokes up her tongue and then her esophagus follows.
Courtyard. Lucas! LUCAS!!!!!!!! Lucas walks by Hanna, who is happy to see him. He can’t stop to talk, though, because he has to go help Caleb . . . who is living at his house. Oh, Lucas. Too nice, buddy. Too nice. Hanna asks to hang out with Lucas and he starts to blow her off, but she looks so sad that he offers to let her help with Yearbook. Damn, I wonder if that would work with my job responsibilities. “Here, sad person. Would you like to drive forty five minutes to go to another person’s office just to help them with a relatively simple task and then have them get frustrated and mad at you and storm out, leaving you there? ‘Cause if so, have I got the job for you!”
Lucas and Hanna both then die of a tragic yogurt carton-related accident. Obviously.
Hollis University. Aria really hates her student ID card and is complaining to Fitz about same. Oh, girl, join the crowd. Mine looked like I was twelve. It was awful. But it still gets me on the bus in Austin for free, so if I ever feel the need to be a participant in killing an innocent pedestrian, I can ride Cap Metro.
Aria and Fitz talk about how they get to hold hands in public now, because when he quit his job it magically made the eleven year age difference between them not creepy and gross, and then they kiss. Which Jackie (the ex) sees. Awesome.
Not a leaning kisser.
Let’s kill Fitz, Hard Candy style! Say goodbye to your balls, Fitz, ’cause tiny Elliot Page is gonna chop ’em off! Or not, as the case may be.
Aria enters her art class and who do you think is a fellow student but fucking Jenna. She seems very popular too. Probably because college freshman are like, “Oh, man, you fuck your brother?! Cool, man. Do you play, like, Stevie Nicks during it or Radiohead?” I don’t know; I’m so old now. What do current college freshman put on the stereo when it’s time to get busy? It was usually Jeff Buckley or Nick Drake for us, but my college friends and I were widely perceived as insufferable.
Spencer is walking home from her field hockey practice and she sees a shadow in the window of Jason DiLaurentis house, WHO SHE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO LIVE ANYWHERE NEAR. She stops to look, but Jason and his butthair come over and sweat next to Spencer. There’s definitely someone upstairs, but Jason claims he is the only one around. Then he kills her with his shovel.
Spencer’s house. She’s on the phone with Emily, freaking out about what she saw. She is scared to stay on her own, but Emily can’t come over due to how they’re supposed to not be friends anymore. Spencer looks out her window at Jason covering his window with newspaper and . . .
Flashback! Drink!! Spencer and Em are having a sleepover, avec popcorn. They didn’t invite me, which I think is super rude, considering I would gladly get drunk and then tell them everything that is wrong with them. Spencer is complaining about the noise coming from the DiLaurentis’ house – apparently Jason is quite the party animal with his butt hair. Just then, a knock on the door! It’s Ali! She doesn’t want to stay over because apparently Jason’s friends are, uh, wanting to use Ali as a party favor. Alison threatens to have her grandmother cut Jason off. Spencer offers to let her stay and Alison accepts and then washes off an apple at the sink. There’s a nice moment (really!) where Alison stares at her reflection in the window and starts to cry, which is a nice bit of foreshadowing on this show’s part. Then they ruin it by having Alison say something bitchy and bite into a red apple. Ugh. I’m banning red apples from tv entirely if TV isn’t going to use those apples responsibly.
In present day, Spencer shakes off the memory and calls Emily again. Emily tries to calm Spencer down as someone watches her from outside. Then her call waiting clicks in and it’s Skeet Ulrich and he comes in and kills her with a knife!
School. Yearbook. Hanna is trying to help Lucas, but he’s a little taken by some Manic Pixie Dream Girl with lots of hair. Hanna tries to convince Lucas to make a move, and they banter a bit before he makes her realize that it’s never going to happen, reminding her of his batting average with asking out cute girls. Hanna looks sad, but not as sad as she’ll look when Lucas accidentally slices his own jugular with the cut edge of a loupe! Oh, he bleeds and bleeds; it is very satisfying.
Spencer’s. Melissa is still searching for her ring and Spencer asks her to stay in the house, as opposed to the barn, due to her fear of being alone. She keeps trying to hint to Melissa that she’s scared of Ian and hopes that Melissa will stay and be on her side. Melissa is like “I can’t deal with this shit.” Then she slips on a bar of soap and falls down and loses the baby and heir to her husband’s title and estate and then World War I starts! Sorry. I should not watch BBC period dramas before bedtime.
Fitz’s. Aria’s wondering how Jenna ended up at her art class. Aria has racoon feather extensions in her hair, by the way. I forgot to mention that earlier. I happen to know that those go for 40 bucks a pop because maybe one time when I was drunk I sort of maybe accidentally thought about buying some, so it looks like there’s quite a bit of extra cash floating around The House of Woodland Delights. Then Fitz, like, rubs her feet or something while they talk about their feelings. Christ. It’s bad enough that these two are so pervy, but do they have to act like eighty year olds on top of it?
Just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to fix her feather hair extentions.
Fitz then suddenly swallows a typewriter key and chokes to death and dies.
Spencer’s house. She finds Melissa’s wedding ring under the toaster. This is literally the only thing that happens in this scene. I don’t understand the writers on this show. Maybe a little less Red Bull? Just a suggestion.
Commercials. Isn’t that Friends with Benefits movie with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis exactly like that No Strings Attached movie with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher? Is the concept of fuck buddies who then complicate the relationship by starting to like each other so MIND BLOWING that it needs to be explained TWICE? Hollywood, I promise you; the concept has been around a while.
Even the script seems to be the same! There’s a part about Mila being on her period! Then they bond or whatever over uterus sloughing! I CALL FOUL.
Oh, also, there is some sort of Tresemme ad with Hanna and Mona that I cannot bring myself to discuss.
Show. Hanna’s house. Hanna’s dad is there, AGAIN, arguing with someone on the phone. Oh, it’s Isobel. Hanna’s Dad claims they’re arguing over the wedding. Hanna seems worried that Prozzie Mom is going to fall for Hanna’s Dad again . . .
. . . a thought she shares while in the car with Emily and Aria. Aria tells Hanna to let her parents work it out for themselves. Then Emily shares a “letter” from the “scout,” offering her a full ride. Of course it’s a fake, which Aria disapproves of, seeing as she is a good girl who would never do anything bad like fuck her English teacher. Emily thinks it’s the only way to stay in Rosewood. All three girls are then blindsided in a JJ Abrams’ style car crash.
The DiLaurentis house. Toby is working without this shirt on, digging for the fence posts. I am feeling very Fitz-like at this moment in time. It is uncomfortable for me. Jason is all, “I never believed you killed my sister,” except for all the times he totally did, and then Spencer comes over. She asks Toby to quit, again. He refuses, again, because he needs to make enough money to buy a truck and take another job in another town. Then Jason comes out hauling trash and the bag bursts, and it’s all empty takeout cartons and blood-soaked rags. Well. Maybe Jason’s uterus is sloughing and he consumed three cartons of orange chicken in one night while crying over a Pixar movie. It’s been known to happen.
At Hollis, Aria is totally Demi Moore-ing her pottery when Jenna knocks something over. The teacher asks Aria (who quickly claims her name is Anita, like, very imaginative, Aria) to help Jenna. Some other guy offers instead and Jenna punches that guy through the head and rips out his brain.
School. Yearbook. Hanna totally talks up Lucas to Manic Pixie Dream Girl With Lots of Hair. She totally pulls a David Arquette in Never Been Kissed; i.e. claims to have been interested in Lucas, but couldn’t keep up with all the other girls wanting his junk. Does that still work? It seems to on Manic Pixie Dream Girl With Lots of Hair, at least until a shark randomly jumps through the window and eats her entire body. Starting with her hair.
Pawn/Antiques shop. Aw, hell. Spencer is totes pawning Melissa’s ring, but only for the weekend and then will be paying the pawner back. She gets seven grand for the ring. Dang. I need to get into the wedding ring pawning business.
Someone watches Spencer leave the pawn shop. Then Spencer trips and falls down a manhole that is haunted by ghosts.
Ooh! Sneak peek at Monte Carlo! Here’s what I’ve learned about Monte Carlo: Selena Gomez looks like some member of royalty. She does a bad European-adjacent accent. Some guy is supposed to be Romanian, I think, but sounds nothing at all like any Romanian I’ve ever met (which is more than you might think). And everyone has really ugly clothes.
Show. School. Lucas is kind of annoyed with Hanna’s interference, particularly because he wants to know what’s in it for Hanna. She assures him that she just wants to see him happy. Then they both have sex, lose their virginity, and are killed by a masked stranger who is actually their math teacher.
Em’s house. She’s preparing to give her mom the fake letter, but then she sees how torn up her mom is about moving. Em’s mom is glad Em can be honest with her! Emily totally ditches the letter idea and tears it up and throws it away. Oh, good, Emily. Because people never root through the trash on this show.
Spencer has bought the truck that Toby wants! This way he can drive to his new, not-Jason-oriented, job in another town. For his part, Toby doesn’t go all macho bullshit over this, but just promises to pay her back and then tells her he loves her. They kiss as Jason watches on, creepily. Then he is killed by a sting from an errant wasp. He swells up. It’s delightful.
Leaning kisses! Leaning kisses!
Hanna’s. Prozzie Mom and Hanna’s Dad are drinking wine and laughing over dinner. Hanna isn’t too upset about this, but then she sees a text on her dad’s phone. It’s from Isobel, who is apologizing for their earlier argument and wanting to make up. Hanna erases the message. Oh, Hanna.
Art class. Jenna asks “Anita” to put her pot up against the wall. Jenna is all, “I can see shadows.” Aria is practically shitting herself. She sets up Jenna’s pot and turns the lights off as Jenna asks. Then Jenna gets all creepy and shit and talks about how she used to be able to see. She and Aria share a moment about art or whatever. But then Jenna totally figures out it’s Aria and shuts the convo down. Then they kill each other in a murder-suicide pact!
Spencer’s house. She’s studying when she hears a noise. It’s Melissa, talking on the phone to someone! Melissa wants to make sure “she’s” asleep first. Spencer texts Emily . . .
. . . except Emily is busy being congratulated by her mother for her acceptance into Danby University. Yeah, A stole Em’s fake letter and sent it to Emily’s house. Emily’s mom is so sweetly excited for her, which of course makes it worse. She runs off to skype her hot husband and tell them the news, and Emily digs in her trash and finds a note from A (drink!): “You can’t play cat and mouse if the mouse moves to Texas. I need you here, Em. Congrats!” Ruh roh.
Aria and Hanna have come over to Spencer’s, and Aria is telling the girls about her encounter with Jenna. Spencer sees Melissa leaving the house and they all go to follow her. Melissa walks to the passenger side of a waiting car . . .and it’s Wren! He hands Melissa something and then drives off. What’s in the bag, Melissa? I don’t know, but whoever is hanging out in Jason’s house wants to know too, cause he’s at the window . . .
Credits. The pawn shop owner is selling Melissa’s ring to Gloved McEvil. And he’s all, “Yeah, I had a feeling that the ring was stolen. Well, enjoy!” Nice ethics, dude!
That’s it for this week, Pretty Little Liars fans and frenemies! Apparently next week some shit is gonna go DOWN. Meanwhile, let’s take a short poll!
Who do you think is A:
- Alison, who is still somehow alive
- A character we haven’t met yet
Post your thoughts in the replies!