Beats the devil you don’t. They always SAY that, but is it really true? What if you really have met the absolute worst person ever? WHAT THEN?
Well, I don’t know if Ian was the absolutely worst person ever, but I do know that Jason DiLaurentis has the absolute worst hair ever. So if someone else gets introduced with hair worse than him, we’re in for a real treat. And by treat, I mean vomit.
Previously on Pretty Little Liars: Aria and Fitz are kissing near a tree, which Jackie sees and seethes about; Hanna and Caleb flirt to make Lucas look better; Spencer short pawns her sister’s ring and gets a horseshoe in return; someone keeps breaking into the girls’ houses; there’s someone staying at the DiLaurentis house; and Ian is dead from a tiny scratch on the head.
Show! The girls have scanned Ian’s note into their Product Placed tablet. Is it a confession? Or a suicide note? Hanna thinks everyone will now welcome them all back into opening arms, since they’ll now know that they were telling the truth about Ian. Um, unless everyone thinks you set Ian up and then killed him, I guess. Which, considering there are 17 more episodes in this season, is what I’m guessing will happen.
Emily’s still concerned about A, but everyone else would just like to take this time to relax and sip their coffee leisurely. So many teens drink coffee on tv. I never drank coffee as a teen. I don’t drink it now, actually. Caffeine stunts your growth and I want to be 5’10” like Cindy Crawford.
Oh, look. It’s BabyCop!Garrett! He’s there to return some evidence that they had to remove from the field hockey office. Well, that was fast! I bet they don’t process the Rosewood rape kits that quickly! But here’s the shocker, folks! Ian’s body has “decayed” and could have been dead at least a week! Bwah?
Hello, friends. It is Erin, your friendly forensic anthropology graduate. I’d like to let you know that BabyCop!Garrett is full of bullshit. If that body had been dead for a week, there’d be maggots all up in that shizz. Have you ever seen a decaying corpse? It’s bloated, blue-ish and has more larvae coming out of it than The Human Centipede‘s writer’s wet dreams.
But, wait! If Ian’s been dead for a week, than who’s been texting Melissa? Emily thinks it was A. No one seems to be as concerned as Em is. But, nay! Em cannot be less concerned. It is physically impossible! Mostly because she looks so cute when she frowns.
As an aside, Ian’s suicide note is in the shape of Idaho.
Em’s attention is caught by a copy of the Rosewood Observer (is that like News of the World, but for Rosewood? Does Rupert Murdoch own it?) which proclaims that the murder of Alison DiLaurentis has been solved! Well, that was all very convenient! Thanks for reading these recaps, folks! I guess I’ll see you in August, when The Lying Game comes on!
Oh, wait. No. The show’s not over. Em gets a text: “Hey, Em. Is it just me? Or does that suicide note look familiar? -A” Drink!
And, yeah, no duh it looks familiar, A. It’s in the shape of Idaho!
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
Cyberbully commercial!! Also it has that song about how we’re perfect, pretty pretty please! Who sings that song? It’s so earnest but also stupid. Is it Avril Lavigne? Or Pink?
Spencer’s house. Reporters have been calling all day to talk about the capital-T Tragedy, so Spencer answers the next phone call and opens with “Listen, you bottom-feeder, stop sucking the life out of my family. Oh . . . hi, Grandma.” Spencer doesn’t say what she’s thinking, which is, “That statement still stands!”
Ian’s aunt is disgusted by his actions and refuses to bury him, so now it’s the Hastings’ responsibility. Ma and Pa Hastings aren’t actually all that keen (funerals are expensive, yo), but Spencer argues for it. For Melissa’s sake! Mostly because Melissa is just sitting around on the couch looking like a zombie. I do that too, but not because my husband just died of a scratch on the head. Mostly it’s because I’m lazy.
Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash. She’s pouring Caleb a drink. He wants to see how she’s holding up. Hanna is wearing a shirt that looks sort of like a regular sized cheerleading one-piece dress which someone put in the dryer on Hot and then shrunk. Like . . . it’s really weird. I don’t really understand the design philosophy of this shirt.
Hanna and Caleb start talking about how they’ve both seen dead bodies (who hasn’t?) and then Prozzie Mom comes home, all het up because she’d called Hanna and Left Messages and Hadn’t Heard Back. I know from my learnings that when your mother calls and Leaves Messages, you call her back. Actually, you call her whether she leaves messages or not. Even before the days of caller ID, even. You just divine that your mother has called you and then you call her back. It saves a lot of worry and, in at least one instance, a three hour drive by your father to check to make sure you’re still alive.
Prozzie Mom is just really upset because of everything. Actually there’s this speech about how she memorizes the color of Hanna’s top every time she leaves the house, just in case she has to file a police report, and I feel like this was specifically written for the parents in the audience, because YES. That is actually something that we do, because being a parent makes you incredibly paranoid for the rest of your life. Thanks for the ulcer, kid! And the labor! When are you going to start paying your own way in life?
Hanna assures her mom that all of that is behind them and that her mom needn’t ever worry about Hanna’s safety again, while Caleb looks on, shiftily. Or like he’s constipated? I honestly can’t tell if the people on this show need acting lessons or laxatives.
At Fitz’s new office, Aria is sitting on his desk, so as to afford him the maximum amount of exposure to her crotch. She’s nattering on about out of body experiences or something while Fitz is looking slack-jawed at her crotch, or whatever. Jackie totally sees them and then barges in, calling Fitz “Z.” Jackie squarely puts Aria into her sixteen-year-old place.
Aria’s outfit has the world’s largest zipper. It might actually be in the Guinness World Record book for Largest Zipper. Anyway, Jackie leaves and then Aria and Fitz both discuss how they’re going to ease the public into the idea of their relationship. Here’s a pro tip: don’t have one.
Post office! Emily is trying to sign for some package that was sent to her mom. She seems to recognize the post office worker, but he pretends not to know her. Then he acts all shifty! What could be going on! Oh, it’s Logan Reed, who was the guy that A (or Ian) paid to drop off the money in exchange for the video of Alison and Ian. A helpful flashback (drink!) reminds us of this. Normally I hate flashbacks of things that happened three episodes ago, but I drink a lot during this show, so I actually needed that. Also, all the guys look alike. Generic Dark Haired Dude #8, you know? Is this a Pennsylvania thing?
Spencer’s. Spencer’s mom is bringing Spencer some tea, which is nice of her, since it’s Melissa’s husband who shot himself. Spencer’s mom is being SUPER nice to Spencer, I guess in an apology for not believing her for all these months. Spencer totally should use this to her advantage. Get a new car, Spencer!
Anyway, Spencer’s mom promises never to not believe Spencer again.
Emily’s house. She’s reading The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter, which is so typical of sixteen year old girls. I mean, I can’t tell you the amount of times that I took a break from my swim practices and dead-body-discoveries to read pre-war books about disenfranchised Americans.
Actually, I seriously can’t tell you how many times I did that. I did that a lot. I guess Emily is going to grow up to drink too much and cuss a lot on the internet.
Emily gets an idea in her head and goes back to her Product Placed Touchpad. She compares something and gets a knowing look on her face.
Meanwhile, Spencer is searching for an engagement ring like Melissa’s online. I do that all the time! All of the prices are way too expensive. She slams her laptop screen down in frustration. I do that all the time too!
Spencer gets a text: “Would mommy hug a thief? Tell the truth Spence, or you’ll get that ring when you least expect it. -A” Drink! Also, don’t you think by now they’d have figured out that A has installed keystroke software and spyware on their computers? I mean, I’m just sayin’.
Also, also, is A so committed to the cause that s/he is willing to give up that rock s/he spent so much money to get?
At the DiLaurentis’ house, our favorite Gloved McEvilson approaches the door. They’re about to break in when Jason catches them . . . and then looks at them with recognition. Great. So now we have to rely on Butthair to help?
Commercials. HARRY POTTER 7.2 OH MY GOD ONLY A FEW MORE DAYS AHHHH.
Oh! Actually on Sunday, ABC Family is going to have Cyberbully AND Step Up 2: The Streets, aka, THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER. SO WATCH IT.
Show. Oh, wait, it probably wasn’t Gloved McEvilson. Because apparently it was Mike (Aria’s brother), and Jason returns him home dutifully. Jason tells Aria not to tell her parents. Are they seriously going to try to make Aria and Butthair happen? I almost prefer Fitz.
Emily’s house. Emily’s going back through all of her texts from A . . . and Ian’s suicide note comprises a lot of it. Oh, dear.
School. Hanna and Caleb are talking about Caleb’s Abusive Home Situation. Great. Now Hanna’s going to want to fix him.
Fitz’s (ex) classroom. Emily shows the girls what she’s found. A wrote the suicide note! And also there’s the whole Logan thing to contend with! We need more answers! Let’s get them!
At the postal place, Logan is totally nervous to see Emily. A woman hired him, he claims, but she never met her. He thinks that he’d recognize her voice again if he heard it. Yay! Voice lineup! Those are mostly inadmissible in court; Law and Order taught me that.
At school, Hanna accidentally witnesses an exchange between Caleb and his foster mom. How convenient! We were just talking about her three paragraphs ago! Anyway, she is pissed because she had to come all the way down to school to fill out some forms and didn’t know most of Caleb’s info. Well, that will happen when you take money to raise a kid and then let that kid live at someone else’s house.
Also! Aria and Mike are arguing about his break in. Aria’s trying to help him. So it turns out Mike has been breaking into Emily and Spencer’s houses. He’s got a bit of a habit, I guess. So, that wasn’t A, I guess. Man. Does A actually do anything on this show?
Commercials. I like how the commercial for Chloe King is “Imagine wanting someone you can never have,” as if that is some super-crazy idea for teen viewers or, in fact, ANYONE who is watching. Um. Our entire lives are spent that way, until we actually get the person we want who wants us back and no bullshit gets in the way of our mutual wanting. And then that day happens, but you still can’t be truly one hundred percent happy, because you discover that that person snores or leaves towels on the floor or something. LIFE LESSONS BY ERIN E.
Show. Spencer’s house. She’d like to talk to Melissa, who is still sort of just sitting on the couch. Spencer starts to talk to Melissa about how she pawned the ring, but then Spencer’s mom interrupts. Melissa’s still just sitting there on the couch, not moving or talking. Shit, I wish I could get away with that. But only if I can watch Netflix Streaming.
Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash. Hanna would like to wear a skin-tight red dress to Ian’s funeral. Why does Hanna even own a skin-tight red dress? Hanna is SIXTEEN. Although, I guess, that is the age when one is most likely to have the figure to wear said dress. Fine. Go with God, Hanna.
Except, no. Prozzie Mom wants her to put on something appropriate. It’s bad enough that they’re burying someone everyone hates; Hanna doesn’t have to make a show of it. Then there’s some jabber about “Grandpa’s” funeral. I guess Prozzie Mom had a contentious relationship with her dad. She left home when she was seventeen, and would have left sooner if she could have afforded it. “Freedom costs,” Hanna’s mom wisely says. “You can’t put everything on a credit card.” Oh, the irony of that line being uttered by the woman so in debt that creditors are calling her daily (although I guess we’ve dropped that story line).
Also, Prozzie Mom, I believe the preferred nomenclature is “Freedom isn’t Free!” Followed with a punch to the face and a complimentary tiny American flag.
Church. They’re ringing the bells for Ian’s funeral, which seems hilariously appropriate. Well played, bell master at The Only Church in Rosewood. Well played.
The girls are dressed like they’ve just come from a 1940s costume party/murder mystery dinner. Hanna is for serious wearing a fascinator with a veil and Spencer has a black ribbon around her neck, all More Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark 2. Jesus Christ.
Emily wants to talk to Spencer about how Ian wasn’t the one to hire Logan. Spencer doesn’t care! Maybe A just wants them to stay obsessed! Maybe she just likes seeing them run around and search for clues! Or maybe A just wants to stretch this show out a few more seasons because A owns shares in Disney!
Fitz comes into the chapel and is sidelined by Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, and Actor/Director Chad Lowe. This is his big chance to ease them into the whole “I’m boning your teenage daughter” routine, but instead he falls back on “I’m here to support my former students!” Aria looks crushed, but luckily her cleavage-baring black party dress will pick up lots of guys later. Seriously. Have any of these girls ever attended a funeral?
Emily would like to talk to BabyCop!Garrett about how Ian wasn’t the one to hire Logan. Babycop is all, “you did the right thing to tell me,” although we all know he’s about to tell Jenna all about it.
Funeral! Casket lowering! I love how bored Hanna always looks at funeral montages. The girls all throw the first dirt and then symbolically wipe their hands clean. Oh, show. I can’t handle this subtlety. Can you please explain your meaning to me in a clearer manner?
Seriously. NOT FUCKING APPROPRIATE FUNERAL ATTIRE.
Aria sees Jason Butthair DiLaurentis at a bench nearby, looking distraught.
Commercials. The Lying Game is going to happen soon! I like how that show is basically the plot of what this show was supposed to be before they decided to change it.
Show. Still the funeral! Aria and Emily discuss Jason’s presence. Maybe he’s there to get closure, Aria suggests. Emily thinks that Jason is a creep, but Aria’s face is all sad and melty, like a doggy’s.
Fitz shows up and he and Aria discuss their relationship, again. Interminably. Forever. Aria just really needed a hug from him. Today. Here. In public. Fitz declines to do so. Aria looks speculatively off towards Butthair.
School. Hanna is there . . . I guess the funeral was during a school day? For some dumb reason, Caleb’s awful foster mom is there as well, still, and Hanna totally lays the smack down on her. Hanna makes up a threat about how her mom is a senior partner at Dolce, Gabbana and Leibowitz (that would get a half-hearted heh out of me, but honestly, it’s not even that funny. A quarter-hearted heh? It got one atrium. That one atrium said “heh.”) She threatens Bad Foster Mom to start turning over her money to Caleb, and to do so until he turns eighteen.
Funeral! Still! Aria’s thanking Butthair again for helping out Mike and not calling the cops. Jason figures that his parents think he should have died instead of Ali, since she was so smart and perfect. Butthair is getting all emotional about shit. He feels great, however, to learn that he wasn’t the one to kill Ali. Cause, uh, he blacked out the night Ali died and woke up the next day with a hangover and a handwritten note that said “I know what you did.” But Ian’s confession has changed everything, obviously! Cause he did it.
Spencer’s house. Hey, Melissa’s having a girl! And she’s sorry that she chose Ian over Spencer. She and Spencer have a nice moment where they make up. Spencer tries to tell Melissa about the ring, but Melissa stops to tell her something. But then the phone rings! But it’s not Spencer’s phone . . . it’s Ian’s! Which A slipped into Spencer’s purse! So now Melissa thinks that Spencer’s been texting her as Ian. Ruh roh. She’ll never forgive her! Again!
Show! Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, and Actor/Director Chad Lowe are all emo about how Ian was so near their kids. I guess they only see what they want to see in people! And, right on time, Mike’s there to say he’s going out “with friends.”
Oh! And now it’s the postal store, and either BabyCop!Garrett or Mike is throwing down a bag of money for Logan Reed. I can’t tell these people apart!! Nondescript dark-haired male, whatever! Then he calls Jenna to tell her that “it’s taken care of.”
Hanna’s House of Inappropriate Funeral Clothes. Caleb shows up with Chinese food, because he’s suddenly flush with cash from Bad Foster Mom. I guess Bad Foster Mom knows nothing about fashion. Ever. Anyway, Caleb’s just about to ease himself slightly back into my good graces, but then he insults The Goonies. Fuck you very much, Caleb. I NOW HATE YOU. You do not mess with The Goonies! It’s our time, down here! Down here, it’s our time!
Caleb thanks Hanna for the help with Bad Foster Mom and then they start making out. You shouldn’t make out with someone with such shitty taste in film, Hanna.
Emily’s. She’s looking at the map of Ian’s plot on the back of his funeral program (is that a thing? I’ve never seen such a thing. So tacky.), when she gets a text from A: “Sometimes the shortest distance from plot A to plot B is the long way around. -A” Drink!
This spurs Emily to look at the package she picked up from the postal place earlier and she finds out that it’s also a map of the graveyard, with one plot circled. Well! That’s convenient!
The girls are tromping through the graveyard, talking (loudly) about how they don’t think Ian killed Ali. They think it was A! So loud, ladies! Maybe learn sign language or something?
Anyway, the find the plot, which is of course Ali’s grave. But then! Ahhhh! So weird! A projection on a nearby mausoleum shows up and it’s the video of Ali and Ian. But! The video keeps playing! Ali stands up after she falls down! She says goodbye to Ian! Ali wasn’t dead when Ian left!
Credits. The girls are looking for the projector while Gloved McEvilson looks on. Drama! Intrigue! Or something!
Seriously, though. If someone aired a film on the side a cemetery vault, I would shit my pants in fear. Where the heck is Henri? Henri, Rolling Roadshow! Get on this shizz!
Alright, folks, it’s time for this week’s round of questions. Did Jason kill Ali? WHAT is up with Mike? And are we really going to have to endure a Fitz-Aria-Butthair love triangle? Sound off in the comments!