Guys! I’m on vacation!! Wheee! But because I am on vacation in BFE, Mississippi, I don’t have my usual DVR routine of fixing myself a drink and pausing the show every few seconds to try to figure out which Generically Good Looking Dark-Haired Dude is doing something shady and then writing about it. Plus my family are in the background, piping up opinions. So let’s see how this goes, shall we?
Meanwhile, tonight I’m making bourbon peach cobbler. I KNOW.
Previously on Pretty Little Liars: Ian’s a dead dude, but maybe A killed him and made it look like suicide; Jason blacked out when his sister died but likes to flirt with Aria, so perhaps he hit his head as well; Caleb wants to do it with Hanna some more; Samara wants to do it with Emily; Aria and Fitz can’t go public because even though he’s not her teacher, their relationship is still wildly inappropriate; Prozzie Mom and Deadbeat Dad are thinking of doing it; Mona’s dating Noel; Mike is breaking into homes; Mausoleum videos!
The girls are all at Emily’s house, talking about the video screening on the Mausoleum. That video proves that Ian didn’t kill Alison! Or does it? Or did A kill her? Was it a third person? Who wants another mojito? Spencer, I think, is feeling a little unhinged at the idea that Ian might have been innocent. I personally would like to confess that I killed Alison. WITH MY MIND BULLETS.
In other news, Hanna wants to know if Ezra will go to the fashion show to support Aria. What’s the fashion show? Don’t worry; you’ll soon hear alllll about it. Anyway, no, Ezra can’t come, because he’s at a conference being boring. Let’s not discuss that. Let’s discuss Hanna and Caleb’s kiiiiiissing in the last episode. Hanna sort of shrugs it off and focuses on how she totally wore the wrong gloss for kissing. You know, the kind that looks glossy and fresh but really is just sticky? That always happens to me, too, which is why I implemented a Kiss-Before-Buy trial with all lip glosses. The local Sephora employees typically do not appreciate my shopping habits, but it is important!
My brother offers, “Ooooh, she is hot.” I think he’s talking about Hanna. I said, “She’s sixteen” and he shrugged and said, “I think that’s legal.” Great. My brother is another Ezra Fitz.
The girls think it’s cool that they all have boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time, which IS good, but also weird, because if that’s the case why do they still hang out all the time together? Everyone knows when you get a new boyfriend or girlfriend, you totally ditch your friends for them. Friends will be there forever, but that honeymoon period of crazy hot sex seven times a day is only going to last so long. Priorities, people.
Meanwhile, Aria’s getting texts from Jason. The other girls think it’s from Ezra, and she lets them think that.
Credits. Necromancy. Family Show!
Commercials. I’m watching the super greatest period commercial ever. I love this commercial from Kotex where they make fun of period commercials. “When I’m on my period, I want to laugh with my girlfriends! And ride horses on the beach! And hug my dog all day!”
Show. Jason is meeting up with Aria in his convertible. All the better for the wind to blow in his butt hair. Jason would like to take back some of the things that he said to Aria at the funeral, by which I presume he means his quasi-confession of guilt. Aria isn’t going to say anything to anyone, since she owes Jason about Mike. They discuss the fashion show some more, which is something we have never heard of before but which is apparently an annual event. How SVH of you, show.
Hanna returns home to see Prozzie mom and Deadbeat Dad cooking dinner together. Uh huh. Sexy dinner. Hanna will have no part of it. I will, however, have a part of Prozzie Mom’s dirty martinis.
At Spencer’s, Toby is leaning-kissing her in the doorway. There’s some talk about the fashion show, some more, forever, and then more kissing. How has this show managed to redeem Toby so much, just with Spencer’s lips and a well-timed haircut? I don’t know. But now I love him.
Toby kisses Spencer good night and she floats into the kitchen, as a girl does after receiving so many Leaning Kisses, only to overhear her dad arguing on the phone with someone about Jason DiLaurentis. Dad looks stressed and goes for the salty snacks, leaving the phone. Spencer *69s and gets Jessica DiLaurentis (Jason and Alison’s mom).
At Emily’s, Em’s mom is totally sexy talking with her hot husband about “leaving stuff under the bed” when she visited in Texas. As would I, Emily’s mom. I’d leave all sorts of things under his bed. Handcuffs, riding crops, a gimp mask, you name it. The gimp mask would be for me, though, obvs. I’m not going to cover up Hot Dad’s beauty with any sort of mask. Em’s mom really misses Hot Dad, as she should! So Emily convinces her mom to think about going to Texas and waiting for Em to join them in June.
Spencer’s. She and Aria are drinking coffee, as they do, while discussing Spencer’s dad yelling at Jason’s mom. Spencer’s shirt is totally cute. I’m distracted by it. Anyway, Spencer thinks something is up with Jason, but Aria defends him.
Spencer gets an email from Jessica DiLaurentis, as does Aria: she wants to have lunch with the girls! Well! This is an odd-timed and assuredly in no way strange request!
It’s lunch! At the Only Restaurant in Rosewood, Jessica DiLaurentis is drinking Bloody Marys (excellent) and making all of the girls totally awkward with talk of Jason and his finances. But then she presents the girls with white gift boxes. What’s in them?! Oh! It’s dresses! Did Ali ever show them to the girls?
Flashback! Drink! Ali’s showing the girls her collection of designer dresses while being her typically bitchy self. And Jessica DiLaurentis has presented these same dresses that they earlier admired. Creepy! Jessica would like the girls to wear those dresses in the show. Ali would have loved it! If it was beneficial to Ali, then yes, I’m sure she would. The girls awkwardly agree.
Commercials. There’s some show called Who The Bleep Did I Marry on the ID network? I NEED TO SEE THIS. It shows a guy creeping up on his wife to Peter, Bjorn and John. I do that to my cat.
Show! Hanna is so not interested in wearing Ali’s clothes for the fashion show, though I’m not sure why. I’d cut a bitch for a McQueen dress. But Ali’s mom really wants Ali to be part of it. Aria offers to run the photos of Ali past Jason. With his penis. Aria, Fitz may be wildly inappropriate for you, but at least his hair doesn’t look like a butt.
Fashion show setup! Spencer arrives late with the programs, but Mona has already taken over all of this. Mona’s revamped the programs and hired a DJ (Noel! ugh!). Mona has elected herself committee chair, since Spencer has been gone so much lately. Noel’s going to be a shitty DJ.
Emily’s. Samara is helping Emily fit into her dress. And then lusting after her naked body in nothing but black heels. My family members keep saying, “How old are these girls supposed to be?” and I say “Sixteen.” and they say “Yeah right.” and then I say, “Can you stop talking, please? I’m trying to hear?” and then they call me a heifer and hand me a mojito. As family gatherings go, it could be worse.
Aria’s House of Woodland Delight. Aria’s going through old photos of Ali when Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, comes in. Aria talks around the whole Jason Can’t Remember The Night Of Ali’s Death thing without mentioning names. HMC is like “sometimes people just repress until they’re ready to deal.” I’m like, “some people lose large segments of their time when they’re wasted out of their mind!” It could go either way, I suppose.
Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash. She’s dancing around the kitchen with her earphones in, like I often do myself. Her dad totally watches her dancing around, which pisses Hanna off. She’s all, “Why aren’t you with your FIANCEE.” Hanna’s dad is tired of fighting! They should talk! He misses Hanna, but Hanna’s all, “No, you’re just in love with Mom.” They’ve turned a corner! Hanna is all, “Stop using me as an excuse!” I’ve had three mojitos, people. This is what you’re getting out of me today. Sorry. We’ll all try to do better next week.
Hanna throws away the conciliatory Thai food that her father has brought her. Stupid Hanna.
School courtyard. Aria is showing Butthair the photos. They discuss his mother , and then Aria shows Butthair a photo of Ali coming back from her “grandma’s house,” and wonders if it would be weird to use photos of the day Ali disappeared. Aria’s totally fishing for Jason to remember this day. Butthair remembers nothing!! And then gets defensive. His butthair quivers with fury.
I’ve had three mojitos and two beers so far! I love vacation!
Commercials for care.com! This is about babysitters who you can hire from the internet to watch your kids or elderly parents. Just call the BSC! Stupid people. You don’t need a website for that! You just need to call from 5:00 to 5:30 on Claudia Kishi’s private line, every Monday and Wednesday!
Oh, look, they’re reairing Cyberbully on Wednesday at 9/8 central. In case you missed it by accident, or on purpose.
Show! Fashion show practice! Some girl named Becky is walking in flats, which pisses Mona off. Heels only! Mona’s totes an Anna Wintour Lite. I love her.
Backstage, Spencer is complaining about Mona being annoying. Toby is saying that Mona kinda helped save Spence’s ass while she was being nearly killed by Ian, so maybe she should just chill out a bit. Then more kissing. This show could be just the two of them kissing, and I would be happy.
Fashion show backstage!! Samara has come with Em’s dress (I think she was doing the adjustments for it, because as well as being a jewelry designer, swim meet watcher, and GLBTQ activist, Samara is also a talented seamstress, capable of doing adjustments to designer dresses. She is also a pain in my ass.). But she has come with some girl named Gwen, and they are holding hands and totally flirt with each other in front of everyone. FUCK YOU SAMARA.
Show! Toby’s in a suit! He compliments Spencer. I pretend he is complimenting me. Mona wants Spencer to get the tribute photos to Noel.
Meanwhile, Prozzie Mom, Em’s Mom and Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, are all together and discussing whether Em’s Mom should move to Texas, and is that giving up her job of parenting Emily?! They’re all conflicted, but have they seen Hot Dad? I mean, his hotness really sways things. They are all smugly sympathetic towards Jessica DiLaurentis as she walks past. Poor woman, to lose her child. Well, her child was a bitch. Does that help?
Spencer hands over the tribute photos to Noel and then sees her father arguing strenuously with Jessica Dilaurentis.
Commercials! For The Lying Game! Jenny just found out that is being filmed in Austin! So now our goal is to GET ON THE SHOW. Possibly in a walk-on position as the school Mean Girls. Or the school nerds. It really could go either way. ABC Family, HEED OUR PLEAS.
Fashion show!! Emily’s too sad to put on makeup. That happens to me A LOT, but usually it’s because I’m sad that I’m awake and have to leave the house to go to work. Hanna decides that they need to have champers to make themselves feel better. That also happens to me a lot!
Meanwhile, Deadbeat Dad is mooning over a martini and is possibly figuring out that he’s a sucky dad. Oh, wait, no, he’s just hitting on Prozzie Mom now. Ew, are they going to start making out? Cause this is gross.
Hanna’s looking for champers, because she is my favorite, and sees her dad and Prozzie Mom flirting/dancing. Grab the champers near you Hanna! That will help!
Backstage, Butthair and his mother are ready to start the fashion show. Samara is admiring Em in her dress, and Emily asks the relationship status of Samara and Gwen. Samara’s all, “I want to play it fast and loose!” For a person who says that a lot to people, I kinda still want to punch Samara. (Well, I used to say it a lot to people. Now I play it slow and sticky.)
Time for the fashion show! Caleb is there to watch! Hanna’s not all that enthused. Mona is freaking out. She’s a tiny pixie of nervous excitement. It’s adorable.
Fashion show! Hanna and Aria are wearing, I guess, beach stuff. Oh, I would punch them in the face, were I to encounter them on the beach. Just Hanna; not Aria; I like her dress. Em and Spencer are wearing other beach stuff. I wonder if any of them will catch the eye of Prince William at this show.
I want Aria’s dress.
I’m not sure what Emily’s coverup is supposed to be made of. Purple People Eater skin?
Now Spencer is wearing, like, leiderhosen? She looks like a demented goth German barmaid. That’s not even mentioning Aria’s outfit. So much fashion. I can’t really keep up! There are lots of outfits, obvs!
This is just not the sort of thing a girl can watch after so many drinks.
Caleb is in his suit and he looks pretty. My eyes hurt. Make all of this stop.
Now it’s time for the Alison tribute. But the girls are still walking while photos of Alison show on the screen behind them. They’re walking in Alison’s dresses, two of which are Alexander McQueens from a collection I kind of hated. You know the one? Where the silhouette was the over-exaggerated hips that skewed too Eighties? This makes me sad. Anyway, everyone claps and claps; it’s all oh, so sweet. Until the music changes to crazy Satan music and the lights go all crazy and the screen switches to all sorts of crazy demonic photos of Alison that say stuff like “ALISON WAS A MONSTER.”
Ugh, McQueen Goes to the Prom.
Spencer’s all, “Turn it off!” and Noel’s all, “I can’t!” and Jessica and Jason are super upset. But here’s the thing. The LIGHTING and MUSIC changes on the show. I mean, the DVD getting replaced, sure. But the lighting and music being changed? That’s all either Noel or Toby. I BLAME NOEL. But, if this is A’s work, then this might be the first truly unhinged thing we’ve seen A do. It makes Alison look bad, but it doesn’t particularly reflect poorly on the girls.
Now the fashion show has ended, obviously, and Jessica DiLaurentis is way too upset to talk to the girls. That damn A! But Caleb is there, in the suit that all poor, formerly homeless foster kids have, and offers to walk Hanna home.
The girls all then hear a high-pitched sound and see something on the screen: “My Dresses, My Game, My Rules. – A” They’re all scared, and want to get the hell out of there, so Aria goes to grab her product placed Tresemme stuff. Noel lurks over and offers to hand over the CD of images, and then Jason comes over and takes the disc and breaks it. Convenient for everyone!
Em’s house! Hot Mom is sorry Em had to go through all that. Then she asks her mom whether she ever saw other people while she was dating Hot Dad. Um, I’d hope not. Lock that shit down! Em’s mom is all, “I told him, if it’s gonna be me, it can only be me.” Right on, Emily’s Mom. And then Em’s mom says she is going to go to Texas and let Emily stay there until summer.
Hanna’s house. Deadbeat Dad is scrolling through phone images of Hanna’s fashion show. Creepy. He’s sitting on the steps, as per uhz. But now he’s here for Hanna. But also he loves Prozzie Mom. He wants to stay. Hanna approves.
Spencer’s. She’s returning home to see her dad searching for snacks again. Maybe he’s pregnant too. Spencer confronts her dad about Jessica DiLaurentis. Spencer’s dad is all, “Stay away from Jason DiLaurentis!” but declines to say more on the subject.
Fashion show, still! Aria is handing over the dresses to Jason DiLaurentis while talking about how she can’t quit Ali. No one can. Why did Jason come back? He wants to put the pieces together. His butthair is concerned. His butthair just wants to be happy, here in Rosewood. And then he offers to drive her home. Oh, Aria. Your taste in men is worse than your taste in accessories.
The camera pans out to see the candles arranged in a certain fashion which I didn’t get at first, cause, three mojitos in. But then later I figured out it was supposed to be an A.
In my defense, they were doubles.
Credits! Gloved McEvilson is buying some hot boots on the internet and shipping them to someone. Send them to me, Gloved McEvilson!
Was it just me, or was this episode kind of a let down after the creepiness of the last few weeks. It could have been the mojitos, or it could have been because I hate fashion show storylines, or it could have been because I just wanted it to be over so I could eat my fried cheese gyoza, but meh. Hopefully next week’s will bea bit more intriguing. And also hopefully Butthair will take a long walk off a short pier.