What’s up you guys! I’m in Russia! AGAIN. Yeah, I know. And do you know what it is hard to do in Russia?
Well, like, everything. Cause it’s all in Russian, see. But the hardest thing to do is to download Pretty Little Liars from iTunes on the worst hotel wifi ON THE PLANET. Seriously. It took me EIGHT HOURS to download this episode in iTunes. Eight. It better be worth it. Some serious shizz better go down, is what I’m saying. I want at least one person gunned down by a random assailant with an AK-40.
Reading reactions to this episode on Twitter before seeing this episode was weird. My friend Sarah, who is a fashion blogger, threatened to murder me if I insulted some dress that Spencer is wearing in this episode. I don’t want to be murdered! So I hope I really like this dress! Let’s do it!
Previously on Pretty Little Liars: Prozzie Mom can look after Emily while Em’s Mom is doing it with Major Hot Dad in Texas; Mike was arrested for stealing shit; Hanna’s trying to fix Caleb; Toby found a hockey stick buried on Spencer’s land, which Mr. Hastings burns; Butthair wants to be happy in Rosewood, but Fitz is jealous; Hanna’s Deadbeat Dad, who I just realized looks like Poor Man’s Kiefer Sutherland, wants to bone Prozzie Mom, again; Mike found Jenna’s lamp at Babycop!Garrett’s place; Spencer is prying Garrett for information.
Show! The girls, sans Em, are basically recapping everything I just wrote. Thanks, girls! Spencer hightailed it out of her clandestine meeting with Babycop as soon as she got Aria’s text, and now they’re wondering how Garrett knows Jenna. Hanna, in her helpful way, posits that perhaps Babycop was bringing Jenna some raw meat. Well, yes. In a manner of speaking, ifyouknowwhatI’msayingandIthinkyoudo. Blow jobs, is what I’m saying. The raw meat is his penis. I’m still jetlagged, so I just want to make sure my analogies are clear.
Emily joins in – apparently the new renters keep tripping the alarm and only Emily can fix it, I guess? There’s a bit of jive about stupid Mike and his stupid stealing plotline, which Aria is Super Capital-U Upset About. Shit. I never get that upset when my brother does stupid ass shit, and he’s done plenty of it. Actually, that’s not true. Big sisters for life, you know? Straighten up and fly right, kid! Your mother and father and I didn’t raise you to be this way!
Oh! Look! It’s Babycop!Garrett’s car, randomly but coincidentally appearing on their block! The girls all hide in order to watch his actions. Oh my god! He’s going to Jenna’s house! He’s just walked in! Everyone is SUPER into this, except for Hanna, which is why Hanna is my favorite. Aria admonishes Hanna for walking too loudly while they creep up to Jenna’s house to spy in the windows, and Hanna says, “She can’t hear us! She’s blind.” Which is why Hanna is my favorite. Again. In case you didn’t get it.
Then the lights turn on! And Jenna is there, staring out the window! And then she strips down to her negligee that only a fifty-year-old widow would wear! Then she and Babycop make out! The girls are SHOCKED. What, ladies? You thought Garrett was hanging out with Jenna because of her personality?
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash. Em is on the floor doing situps, because she needs to work on her core. Ugh. I hate working on my core. Normally this would be a hilarious joke because, hello, I’m lazy and do no exercise, but I’ve actually been doing boot camp for the last month. And I SUPER HATE working on my core! You guys, it really sucks. Why does it suck so much? If it were really good for you, it’d be less sucky, I think. Like ice cream. It is both nutritious and delicious.
Oh, I’m drunk, by the way. I should probably add that. Russia! Very strong beer!
Hanna pours Emily some juice, which Em refuses, because she’s watching her sugar intake. You know what would be awesome? If Em were watching her sugar intake because she were a diabetic. Then she could have an attack in the hair salon on the day before her wedding. You didn’t bring your purse, Shelby; now drink your juice!
Hanna, for her part, eats a big ol’ bowl of cocoa puffs, because apparently the writers of this show have forgotten that Hanna has an eating disorder. Or was that cleared up with the bankruptcy?
Emily is super-stressing about her upcoming swim meet, because she really needs a scholarship, and she is rubbing pain cream in like crazy. Em has gone through like three giant things of pain cream in a week. (And I just want to say now – called it!)
Poor Man’s Kiefer Sutherland comes slinking into the kitchen on his Walk of Shame. This is so awkward and gross. Prozzie Mom and Poor Man’s Kiefer Sutherland totally flirt in front of the girls. I want to vomit and then divorce my vomit and then later hook up with my vomit again in a purely sexual way.
To make things even more awkward, Hanna receives a Save the Date . . . to her dad and Isobel’s wedding. Everyone looks around shiftily. I totally get it. The Save the Date design could be better.
Spencer’s house. She’s researching Ali’s death some more, forever, and then Wren arrives with a giant plant! Not a euphemism. Wren came to comfort Melissa. He’s just started a rotation at Rosewood Community Hospital, so he’ll be in Rosewood for six months. Spencer totally quizzes him about autopsies and Wren flirts with her. Which is funny, because that never happens to me when I quiz people about autopsies. And, you know, I was a forensic anthropology major. I quiz people a lot.
School. Hanna is wearing a dress that I’m like 90% certain I had for one of my Barbies in 1984. I think this dress was actually thrown out of Pretty Woman‘s wardrobe for being too conservative. It’s so, so very ugly, in every way, not least because it doesn’t fit Ashley Benson at all and is gapping awkwardly. Gosh, I hope I wasn’t supposed to like this dress.
Why? Also, brush your hair.
Emily and Hanna are discussing the gross Hanna family situation while Emily frets about practicing for her upcoming swim meet. Then Hanna sees Caleb doing his dumb cell phone business, while simultaneously spying someone in a car spying on Caleb. She tries to get him to do his illegal shizz indoors (even though it’s barely illegal), but he’s all, “Stop changing me!”
Hallways. Spencer is wearing a dress! Is this the dress? I DON’T KNOW. THIS IS SO MUCH PRESSURE. I mean, it’s an okay dress, I guess? Don’t Friend-Divorce me, Sarah!
Babycop!Garrett shows up (he’s teaching Driver’s Ed) and quizzes Spencer on her weird questions from the other night about head wounds and police reports. Spencer beats a quick retreat. The dress – honestly? It’s just okay.
In the courtyard, Mike’s getting some shizz from some dude in a letter jacket about his new hobby of B&E. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, breaks up the fight before it becomes one. I’ve just noticed that Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, has the smallest, evilest little eyes. No wonder she spent so much time on Charmed. She totally looks bewitched.
Art class at Hollis! Aria is crapping all over some sort of bowl in an arty way when Fitz shows up. They make the obligatory Ghost reference, but Aria is not too into it. Fitz is trying to talk her out of being upset about Mike by being all, “Kids today! He’ll work it out!” A thing guys don’t understand is that the best thing to do when your girlfriend is sad about something is to be over emotional about that same thing. It always works. So, like, for Brian and maybe the two other male dudes who are reading this and also any lady lovers of ladies (though you should already know this as part of your lady training), the best thing to do when your ladyfriend comes home and is upset because someone was a dick to her at work or the store ran out of her favorite champagne is to get super upset about it. “WHAT? I can’t BELIEVE THIS! HOW FUCKING DARE THEY?” At which point, she will be like, “Dude (or Lady). Calm down. It’s not that big of a deal. I can totally fix the situation in this particular way.” The self-help books will tell you that women just want communication, but that is not true. What we want is hyperbolic reactions to the stupid shit that gets us down during the day, so that the rational, Rosie the Riveter, side in all of us automatically switches on and thinks, “Jesus, how can I fix this so that this dude will shut the fuck up already? Because I’m tired of talking about this and his mouth could be put to better use.”
I should honestly write a fucking book about this. Men Are From Mars; Women Were From Earth All Along, I could call it.
Aria mentions Butthair in re: the Mike Situation and Fitz is soooo jealous. Fitz is sad that Aria isn’t communicating more. Lord, help me.
Anyway, Aria likes Butthair, or whatever, and Fitz can totally tell.
School. OH MY GOD; IT’S MAJOR HOT DAD!!! MAJOR HOT DAD, THANK GOD YOU ARE HERE!!!! He was in Delaware for a training thing and he has come up to see Emily’s swim meet. This makes Emily nervous. You should only be nervous that I’m going to marry your hot dad and have his babies, Emily. Major Hot Dad starts walking away, and Emily collapses from pain. Gosh, I’m sorry, Em. I didn’t mean you to get that upset.
Commercials! Ordinarily I would make fun of a Tresemme ad in this spot, but there are no commercials on iTunes. Instead I will relate this story: yesterday as I was walking back to my hotel from dinner, I saw the drunkest person I’ve ever seen IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. And, y’all? Not only is my family Southern, but also I’m friends with people who can drink me under the table. Like, I’ve seen a lot of drunks, is what I’m saying. This guy was stumbling down the promenade with his eyes literally rolling in his head (not figuratively. LITERALLY HIS EYES WERE CONSTANTLY ROLLING.), carrying a water bottle in his hand which was 1/4 full of what I’m 99.9% sure was his own urine. It was dark yellow and slightly frothy. He stopped in front of us and unzipped his pants to fill the bottle with more urine. I applaud his effort not to just piss on the street, honestly. It’s nice he was looking out for the rest of us by bottling that stuff up.
Show. Hospital! Emily has an ulcer from all her stress! Aww, poor thing. Get some prilosec; you’ll be okay. Emily only worries about when she can swim again. Major Hot Dad is like, “You need to chill the eff out, okay? I love you but you’re tainting my hotness.”
MAJOR HOT DAD, I LOVE YOU!!!
Hanna and Spencer are at the hospital to visit Emily. Hanna’s upset with Caleb about the whole phone business. Spencer is wearing a coat over her outfit. Is this the dress? Where is the dress? This is making me nervous!! Anyway, Hanna doesn’t want to tell Caleb about the (presumably) cop who is following Caleb. She doesn’t want him to run.
Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash. Poor Man’s Kiefer Sutherland comes over for some nookie with Prozzie Mom. She’s concerned about the fact that her ex-husband, who she is fucking, is getting married soon. Also, I didn’t mention this, but the Save the Date says he’s getting married in six weeks. Um, that’s when you send the wedding invitation. Not the Save the Date. You’d think he’d know this by now; it’s his second wedding.
Anyway, Prozzie Mom gently breaks up with her ex-husband while soft acoustic music plays. I should be moved, but I’m drunk and also mad that he can’t follow basic Wedding Etiquette, like sending out invitations six weeks in advance and also not fucking his ex-wife while he’s engaged to be married. Let’s move on!
Hospital! Hanna’s cheering up Emily by acting disgusted about the hole in her stomach. Aria comes in and brings coffee. Because that’s what you bring people with ulcers. Jesus, Aria. Everyone argues about whether Emily should tell her dad about the fake scholarship letter. Emily has decided to tell her dad the truth.
Spencer’s checking out the location of the morgue, which is dumb, because morgues are always in the basement, always. Otherwise the smell wafts down the vents to the lower floors. Oh! Here’s a full shot of her dress! Okay, Sarah; you’re right! It IS cute. The collar is maybe a bit too sporty but I love the flounce of the skirt! Can we still be friends?
This is a dress that cost 140 quid.
Wren comes by to flirt with Spencer some more and discuss Emily’s medical records, as doctors are so wont to do. Spencer tries to sneak down to the morgue, but Wren is all, “Emily’s on the third floor!” Oh, Wren.
Ooh! Car!! Jenna and Babycop are in his car! They know that Spencer and the other girls know something is up! Babycop thinks that the girls definitely are wondering whether Butthair killed Ali. Jenna says they need to take care of this. Dun dun dun!
Hospital. Wren comes by Emily’s room on his rounds. He’s all, “The good news is, the meds are working!” Um, she’s been in the hospital for two hours. She has an ULCER. Unless you are patching up her stomach with fucking fairy wings, the meds are going to take a while, show writers.
The bad news? They found traces of HGH (Human Growth Hormone) in Emily’s blood. CALLED IT! Emily denies ever taking steroids. She is freaking out and doesn’t want Wren to talk to her parents. He’s all, “You’re a minor, so I have to tell them.” Also bullshit. Have the writers of this show never been hospitalized? Honestly, any minors reading this? I feel like I should do you a solid right now, because I’m drunk and feeling magnanimous. Here are things doctors cannot tell your parents: if you are taking drugs, if you are pregnant, if you have had penetrative sex, if you have an STD, if you have cancer. The only thing they can tell your parents, EVER, is that you are in imminent danger of debilitation or death from an illness or a procedure. That’s seriously it. That’s all. Any doctor who discusses your health further without your permission is in violation of the Patient Bill of Rights. Your body is your own, kids. Take it back. And, look, parents: I have a kid; I know what it’s like to worry about their health. Still. It’s their health, their body. Time to stop treating kids as if they aren’t actually humans with basic civil rights, okay, folks?
Moving on! Caleb is outside doing his sketchy thing when Hanna drives up, dressed like Grace Kelly in Rear Window. God, I adore her. She tells Caleb to get in while she speeds off.
Hospital. Spencer has stolen candy striper uniforms for her and Aria so that they can break into the morgue. God, I love a good Candy Striper subplot.
Aria’s House of Woodland Delights. Mike is on his computer when Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, comes in to discuss her capital-C Concern. “What is this all about, Mike?” Mike is all, “I don’t want to talk about it!” And then he makes mention of Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, moving in and out, before storming out of the house. Ah, classic move, Mike. Make the parent feel guilty for a perceived slight/sin to escape punishment. I used to try this all the time on my parents. It worked exactly zero times, because unlike Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, my parents are awesome and don’t take bullshit like this from their kids.
Mysterious cabin by the lake! Grace Kelly, er, Hanna, has brought Caleb over. Hanna comes clean about the cop (possibly) who is following Caleb. Hanna references Caleb’s shady past in Allentown. Oh, man. This cracks me up. Bless this show’s little heart. Look, I’ve been to Allentown, Pennsylvania, okay? So has Posh. We went last year. It’s the cutest little town in the world. The cops pull you over for sitting four to a back seat. It’s not exactly a hotbed of criminal activity, even if a lot of people are out of jobs after the steel mill closed. Like, I mean, Philly, I could buy. Pittsburgh. Maybe a rough stint out of state in Baltimore. But Allentown? Seriously?
Hanna bitches some more about Caleb’s sketchy business. Oh my god, Hanna. All he is doing is installing apps on phones for free. Jesus Christ. It’s not exactly murder. Caleb isn’t going to run away, because he really likes Hanna’s vagina.
Hospital! Man, Emily’s getting overnight care for her ulcer? The military must have the best insurance ever! Someone drops off some food for her, which Emily seems to want to eat, because no one writing for this show has ever had an ulcer, ever. Of course, her food includes a note from A: “Hey Em: some cream with your coffee? -A” Drink! Emily opens the cover of the main dish, where A has left her pain cream. I wish there were a font which particularly denoted smug sing-songing. Caaaallllled iiiiitttt.
Hospital, later. Aria and Spencer are in Emily’s room, discussing the options. Em is all: “Medical records aren’t private from your parents!” Untrue! You are seventeen years old, Emily! Your parents can’t see shit. Anyway, Spencer wants to fight back, while Emily has pretty much just given up.
And then! Major Hot Dad appears! IN A HOT COAT! Fuck me, I love Major Hot Dad so fucking much. Emily starts to come clean about the scholarship thing. But Major Hot Dad interrupts! The scholarship is not worth it! He isn’t risking his baby’s life! He’ll find another way to pay for college! Aaaaand, I’m crying. I know; I know. I’m drunk. I’m also in Russia and a little home sick. Oh, Major Hot Dad. I love you. Who knew Em’s parents were going to turn out to be the greatest?
Aria and Spencer are in the morgue, freaking out because of the dead bodies. Oh, get over it, girls. They go through the files until they find Ali’s autopsy report.
Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash. Prozzie Mom is cleaning out the fridge, throwing away all of the stuff Poor Man’s Kiefer Sutherland put in there. Prozzie Mom explains that she’s dumped her ex-husband, again. Hanna actually gets kind of upset about it. Dude, Hanna. Be grateful.
Hospital! Spencer and Aria are reading the autopsy report (which, by the by, mentions that Ali’s lungs were collapsed upon autopsy. So that was a slow fucking death). Ali was hit from behind, the weapon most likely being a curved, blunt edge. Like a hockey stick! And there was dirt in her lungs! She was buried alive!
Street. Hanna’s confronting the cop/private eye/whatever about stalking Caleb. She tells the guy to get lost. Well, that should definitely do it, Hanna. Thanks.
Hospital. Spencer is sharing Ali’s autopsy report with Emily. Who has an ulcer. Cause, that’s nice for the girl who is so stressed her stomach is actually eating itself. Aria gets a call from Fitz and goes to meet him. She avoids going to his place for the night, but also receives a call from Butthair. Oh, Aria. I mean, yes, Fitz is gross. But he is also ten times hotter than Butthair. Priorities, sweetheart.
Meanwhile, the cop/private eye is on the phone with someone, telling them that Caleb knows he is tailing him. “I’m sorry. But I don’t think he wants to see you.” So, basically, Hanna has screwed Caleb out of reuniting with his real parents.
Hospital! Em and Spencer realize that a page from Ali’s autopsy report is missing. Eh, well. Welcome to the Houston Crime Lab. That sort of thing happens all of the time. After I graduated from university with my degree, my mom helpfully suggested that I apply for the Houston Crime Lab because, as she put it, “They are looking for people who will screw up less than the last group.”
Credits. Morgue. One of the janitors is emptying the trash when a body behind him seems to move. He leaves the room and someone sits up. A? Or is this show about to become a Buffy crossover? WHO KNOWS?
That’s all from Russia, folks. In the meantime, do you think Caleb’s birth parents are trying to find him? Did Butthair kill Ali or does Jenna have some reason for being involved with that? And how hot, on a scale of 1 to 10, is Major Hot Dad?