Happy Wednesday, ladies and Brian! I currently have a doggy tucked by my side who is still exhausted from his first day of Doggy Daycare yesterday. Doggy daycare! I can’t say enough about it! Whoever invented the idea of letting tons of doggies romp around outside all day and exhaust themselves so that their owners can actually get shizz done is a GENIUS. And unlike babies, dogs just go to sleep when they’re tired, instead of whining and crying all the dang time. I RECOMMEND.
You know what else I recommend? The brilliant work of television genius that is Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. I think the purpose of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is so that people laugh at the rednecks, but mostly they just remind me of a slightly trashier version of my family. Particularly their pronunciation of the name “Sugar Bear.” My four year old cousin tried to teach my British fiancé how to say “sugar bear” last Christmas. It was pretty hilarious.
Okay, what were we talking about? Oh, right, Pretty Little Liars. Next week is the summer finale! Let’s talk about how now we all suspect Paige of being A!
Actually, let’s start with Aria, because her plotline is, as ever, the most boring ever.
So it’s Fitz’s birthday! Hooray! Happy 26th, Fitz. He isn’t too excited about celebrating his birthday, not because he’s officially in his late 20s, doesn’t have a job, dates a teenager still in high school and is throwing an extended hissy fit about his parents, but because he’s worried about Maggie. He’s worried about Maggie now. Maggie, who he dated 8 years ago, and never mentioned and never seemed to care about until his brother brought it up a few weeks ago. Anyway, he’s all, how can my birthday be happy? What if Maggie haaaaates me?
This of course puts Aria on the case, because nothing is more important than her precious statutory rapist’s boyfriend’s precious fucking feelings. She finds Maggie, who is now a happy and cheerful 1st grade teacher. And she finds Maggie’s son! Who is a happy and cheerful first grader! Roh roh!! Aria figures that he is Fitz’s son, which is born out when the kid asks a toddler to the school dance.
She’s worried about how/whether to tell Fitz, but it turns out Maggie called him! And told him she was fine! And mentioned no child at all! So now Aria wonders if maybe Maggie is continuing to be paid by Mother Fitzgerald of the Television Fitzgeralds to keep her silence. Who cares? Unless this relates to A somehow, I’m not sure why we are being asked to care.
Okay, let’s move on.
Our suspect of the week is Paige, who Spencer kindly reminds Emily once TRIED TO DROWN EMILY. She also sexually assaulted Emily but in Rosewood that’s considered love. It turns out, according to CeCe, that Ali haaaaated Paige and was having something of a full-on war with her. You know what that means . . .
Flashback!! Drink! In the first flashback, the girls sans Emily are trying on clothes, and Ali is being as much of a bitch as ever. Why were these girls friends with her, again? Alison has a giant bruise on her back, which she says she got from Paige (Ali calls her “Pigskin”) knocking her down in soccer. It’s a pretty vicious bruise . . .
Second flashback! Ali and CeCe are hanging out together. They DID know each other! I have been wondering. Alison says that she stole some of Emily’s stationery and wrote Paige a love letter. She spots Paige trying to leave a note for Emily. Ali snatches it and threatens Paige with outing her. Ugh, Ali really is such a bitch. Paige is a combination of hurt and defiant. Teenage suicide, don’t do it!
In current times, Emily tells Paige about her make out session with Hot Nate. Paige seems to take it philosophically, which we all know is a cover for her angry, angry rage. Emily and Paige get closer.
That, in turn, pisses off Hot Nate, who as we all know, killed Maya dead. Hot Nate wants to date Emily! Why is she blowing him off?! “Maya used to do the same thing!” Oh, really, Hot Nate? She used to make out with her cousin and then blow him off? Is Maya from 16th century England?
Speaking of Hot Nate, he runs into Hanna after school. He asks her what Emily’s deal is, and Hanna’s all, “um . . . she’s gay?” THEN Hot Nate sees Jenna, and Hanna makes some mention about the months that Jenna pretended to be blind when she wasn’t. This REALLY enrages Hot Nate. I think it’s pretty clear that he knows that Jenna witnessed him doing something bad. What? Not yet sure!
Speaking of Hanna, our favorite rabid racoon killing Preacher Ted found something in the church sanctuary the other day. What was it? THE THUMB DRIVE WITH ALL OF ALI’S VIDEOS ON IT. You remember, the one that Spencer threw at Ian in the church in order to buy her a few minutes of escape? Back in season one when we cared about Ian? They’d assumed A had taken it, but, nay! Preacher Ted found it and, seeing that the first video was of Hanna, et al, decides to turn it over to Prozzie Mom. She watches the videos, which freaks Hanna out, and then she destroys the thumb drive. Even though it has video of JENNA RAPING TOBY on it. Why? Because one of the videos is of Jerk Detective and Prozzie Mom. She explains it as “she had too much to drink” and leaves it at that, so I’m guessing Jerk Detective was fine-tuning his sexual assault strategy on video.
Meanwhile, Spencer has gone full-on suspicious of Paige, and tells Hanna that Paige could be A. There is an incident with a snake in the dressing room of CeCe’s store, which I am really not even going to relate, because it was horrifying and I don’t want to think about it again. Except it really isn’t clear if the snake was A’s doing or really was just a very awful bad coincidence. Either way, we aren’t talking about it! Gah!
CeCe is having some sort of trunk show at her boutique, and she’s roped Spencer and Hanna into helping. Paige and Emily come, and Spencer uses the opportunity to go through Paige’s bag. And you know what she finds? The OTHER earring! The ones that Aria put in Ali’s grave. So that proves . . . nothing, really.
Later on, as Paige and Emily are sitting on the porch drinking tea like 90 year old cat women, they discuss Paige and Ali’s past. Paige says that Ali bullied her continuously, to the point where Paige was thinking about killing herself. I buy that. I think that Paige definitely has some rage issues, but to me they stem more from confusion and poor self-esteem. I don’t think she’s A. She doesn’t have that inner layer of viciousness.
Paige goes inside and Jenna approaches Emily. She sees the two cups of tea and warns Emily to choose her friends wisely. She’s talking about Hot Nate, obvs, but we’re supposed to think she’s talking about Emily.
Credits! Son of Gloved McEvilson puts on Strange Faces on the jukebox, probably at Ye Olde Fiftes Style Coffee Shop. But then! S/he hands a quarter to ANOTHER Gloved McEvilson! There are at least two of them!!
And that’s all the news that’s fit to print for this week, folks. Next week is the finale!! What do we think will happen? Will anything be answered? Will Hot Nate finally be revealed as Maya’s stalker? Did he kill her? Is Paige a red herring? Does ANYONE care about what happens with Fitz and Maggie? Sound off below!