Y’all, I had to interrupt a Law and Order: SVU marathon on USA whose theme was “Fin Takes! Things! Personally!” to watch Pretty Little Liars. I love PLL, but I ain’t gonna lie: I’m a little upset. Maybe if Ice T were on PLL, it wouldn’t be so bad. Actually, that’d be awesome. DO IT, ICE-T!!! You too, Coco!!
Until that happy time, I guess we shall just slog on . . .
Our Tiny Woodland Nymph
Aria is having Capital P Problems with Actor/Director, Chad Lowe, which makes little to no sense, since Chad Lowe was thanked in Lena Dunham’s acceptance speech the other day at the Golden Globes. What’s the matter, Aria? Not a fan of Girls? Because you look like you would be. Amongst Actor/Director Chad Lowe’s recent crimes is spoiling Night Must Fall, which Aria’s watching because she’s 80.
At school, Aria is helping her child bride mother with her current events studies, because, again, Rosewood High is where seventh graders come to learn. They start talking about the night Ali disappeared, and Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, talks about how she and Actor/Director Chad Lowe had gone off to a party at Hollis that evening and then come back early, where she’d passed out after one too many glasses of red wine. One too many glasses of red wine that Chad Lowe had poured her, that is! So he doesn’t have an alibi for Ali’s murder!
Actor/Director Chad Lowe’s general creepiness is giving Aria stress dreams , although I like to think that she’s preggers. Because what I really want to see in life, folks, is the Aria Montgomery Maternity Line. Just . . . just imagine that for a second. She wants to show Hanna and Emily the pages from Ali’s diary again, so she goes to look in her boots where she’s hidden them, but non esta aqui. Actor/Director Chad Lowe pops in to humorously remind Aria about how she used to hide her Halloween candy from Mike in her boots . . . HE KNOWS.
Meanwhile! Jodie Sawyer (aka Meredith) wanders into Holly Marie Combs’, Child Bride, room at Rosewood High, because Jodie Sawyer is the WORST. She magnanimously claims that she won’t press charges against Aria for the whole explosion thing, and Holly Marie Combs totally comes back with, “um, because they found a suspect?” Their meeting is very terse. I want to remind them that, no offense, they’re fighting over the far less handsome Lowe brother. I mean, Rob, I would understand.
Later, at the House of Woodland Delights, Aria overhears Jodie Sawyer and Actor/Director Chad Lowe having a fight. (So, wait, are they dating again? I guess so.) Chad Lowe grabs Jodie Sawyer’s burned arm, which is not going to help her turnout at all! Aria goes to butt in, like she does, and Actor/Director Chad Lowe is pretty pissy about it.
Aria tracks down Jodie Sawyer at The Only Restaurant in Rosewood to, like, commiserate that her dad’s such a jerk? Man, I’m drunk, but I really don’t understand why this is happening. I also don’t understand the outfit that Aria is wearing. It’s like a bustier with also a shrug/jacket that has only two buttons? It’s . . . it’s really bad, y’all. It’s really, really bad. Maybe Aria’s also blind? Like, maybe it’s the opposite of Jenna; maybe Aria is blind but doesn’t want to say anything so she pretends that she can see and she keeps buying clothes that are only half made or are made of window curtains? I think that might be the issue.
Anyway, Jodie Sawyer tells her that she found Ali’s diary entries in Chad Lowe’s dresser drawer. And she found him going through her purse, thinking it was Aria’s! He’s hiding something! Man, Jodie Sawyer sure is being helpful all of a sudden, no? Aria takes the papers back and they discuss the night Ali went missing. Jodie thinks that Chad Lowe could have something to do with it.
Later, Aria’s sick “with the flu” (yeah, right! With a baby, more like!) and Jodie Sawyer’s taking care of her! Because Chad Lowe is going out of town! And who’s waiting to break into his office? Mona.
Emily’s Still Dating A Date Rapist
Emily and Paige are still dating, except Paige’s parents are apparently even more strict than Major Hot Dad and Pam, because she has to be at home right after school is let out. Emily convinces Paige to go to a party that some girls from the swim team are throwing – early enough that they can make curfew.
On their way to the party, Emily and Paige stop off in the middle of the woods. Because . . . that’s a good idea with a killer on the loose. And it turns out? That Paige isn’t on restriction. She’s actually having panic attacks out the wazoo, on account of how, you know, she was kidnapped and HELD AT GUNPOINT a few months ago, and apparently no one cares. So she’s been barely keeping it together, making it to school and that’s about it. The only way she’s been making it around Emily is to pretend her parents are even more strict than Major Hot Dad. Emily decides the best thing to do in this scenario is to take her girlfriend who is on the verge of a nervous breakdown for a walk in the creepy dark woods. Oh, Emily.
When they return to their car, they notice that the tire in Paige’s car has been slashed. And Emily sees a hooded figure! So she goes to chase after him/her! Again leaving Paige behind! I mean, obviously the show wants me to forget the fact that Paige was halfway to date-raping Emily six months ago, so, okay, va bene; in that case: you’re a shitty girlfriend, Emily.
Emily chases Hooded McEvilson but doesn’t catch him . . . and it’s Toby! Toby, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Why you gotta mess with Ems?
Paige sleeps over at Emily’s house (on the air mattress) and tells Emily that she’s so super brave for running after danger. Well, you say potato and I say potahto, Paige, but I don’t think that’s brave. Brave =/= stupidity. Emily tells Paige to go see someone for her anxiety. Get some Klonopin, Paige! And then hand it out to the rest of us!
In Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire, Hannas Hardly Ever Happen
Hanna, Spencer and Emily decide to go on another trek to Harold the Creepy Janitor’s office to scout his A supplies, but the office is all cleared out, except for a note from A: “Keep moving, ladies. Nothing to see here.” But! There’s someone there! And it’s someone in a black hoodie! He or she runs out, past Hanna, before the girls can catch him/her.
Mona tells Hanna and the other girls that Harold was stalking her and that HE was the one who was responsible for blowing up Jodie Sawyer. Hanna buys this not at all, of course. And she knows something else . .
She knows that it was Lucas dressed in the hoodie in Harold the Janitor’s office! She tells him that she isn’t going to rat him out but wants to know what’s going on. He tells her that he blew up Jodie Sawyer (though he didn’t know Mona would lure Jodie Sawyer to the shed), and that he’s trying to get out from under Mona’s thumb. Lucas seems really scared of Mona. He also seems super cute lately. Nice hair, Lucas!
Not content with Lucas’s squirrely responses, Hanna goes over to his house. It turns out, Mona’s been blackmailing Lucas because she found out that he was selling test answers. That’s IT? Oh, LUCAS. You idiot. That’s nothing. He says that he distracted Jenna during the masquerade ball and delivered an envelope from Butthair (aka Jason) to Mona, but that was pretty much it. So basically, Lucas was Mona’s gopher? I kind of feel like that’s anticlimactic.
Lucas says that he’s going to drop out of school and start homeschooling, meaning that Mona will have nothing to hold over him anymore. This better not be a way of writing Lucas out of the show! Lucas is my favorite! I WILL QUIT, ABC Family. Do you hear me? I WILL QUIT.
Later, Hanna confronts Mona and tells her that she sees through her, that she doesn’t think that she’s so innocent, and that she’ll be watching her. She gets a text from “A” telling her to leave Mona alone. Spencer wonders if maybe Hanna doesn’t have to hide behind A anymore.
Let’s Achieve Academically With Spencer
Don’t you think that Spencer should just become an American Girl Doll already? She’s like the perfect American Girl Doll already – brown hair, big eyes, preppy clothes, headbands. Enthusiastic embraces of academics, etc?
Speaking of, Spencer’s in Academic Decathlon, and her only opposition for Ac Dec captain was a fellow named Brad, who just had a terrible BIKE ACCIDENT. Hmm, just like last week, when Toby dismantled that poor boy’s bike? Hmmmmm. But, don’t get too comfortable, Spencer. You have a new challenger for Captain! In the form of Mona! Who has decided that she needs to be a joiner.
The vote between Spencer and Mona is split, which means they need to have a QUIZ OFF in order to decide the captain! Oh! This is so exciting! I don’t know how I’ll be able to sleep toni-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Spencer studies with Toby (who steals all the answers, though Spencer doesn’t realize it), and despite taking an early lead and maintaining it all throughout the Quiz Off montage, she falters on the last question (about states granted independence in the dissolution of the Soviet Union). Mona wins, and oh, Spencer seethes.
On the credits, Gloved McEvilson, who we’ll just assume is Toby, is burying all of Mona’s “A” stuff in a shallow grave near the train tracks. I mean, I assume that it’s Toby, even though Lucas was the one to take all the stuff. Mostly I just don’t want Lucas to be evil too.
So . . . when is Spencer going to figure out that her boyfriend is EVIL? I mean, hello, Mona repeated her Ac Dec answer exactly, and only Toby knew that! What’s going on with Lucas? And does anyone want the over/under on whether Aria’s pregnant or not? Hit me up in the comments, y’all!