Title: Pretty Little Liars S3.E18 “Dead to Me”
Released: 2013

Happy Wednesday, FYAers! It’s time for yet another recap of Pretty Little Liars, in which I am shit at seeing clues, apparently. Though, are you guys SURE that Fitz and Nate aren’t in that photo with Jerk Detective? It looks like Fitz and Nate to me. Of course, everyone on this damn show looks generic to me. Honestly, it took me like a year and a half to figure out the difference between Toby and Butthair (aka Jason).

Let’s see what the show has in store for us this week! Let me guess . . . more questions and no answers? 

Coffee shop. I wonder whether Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is still dating that guy she met here. Spencer’s private eye has news, she learns. And, speaking of news, Butthair does too. Aly’s remains have been released to the family – again – so they’re burying her – again. Spencer has no desire to mourn Ali. Her anger shocks her friends! I’m not sure why. We have established that Ali sucks, right? She sucks sooo bad. Why are we going to her THIRD funeral? I don’t even go to most people’s FIRST funeral.

Aria and Hanna have Ali’s stuff from her casket and worry about whether to get rid of it, because the cops are now tracking it as a clue. 

Mona is bitchy to Spencer about her declining performance in Ac Dec (aka Academic Decathlon). Spencer is awesomely bitchy in return. I love unhinged Spencer. Except for how she’s stopped combing her hair. Angst is no reason to unpretty yourself, Spence.

Caleb’s aunt (who put him in foster care) is moving to Australia. He’s not going to look at the stuff in the old house, because he hates her and his whole family on his deadbeat dad’s side.

Aria is mooning over the missing Fitz at his apartment and Wes comes over to stay while Fitz is reconnecting with his love baby. Also they make a joke about the Clinton administration being a long time ago and SHUT UP, SHOW.

Spencer’s Private Dick is tracking Toby’s whereabouts. He’s switched from using a credit card to using cash. He needs more money if he is going to continue the search, though. Also, Toby bought hydrangeas. It seems important, because they keep mentioning it. Hydrangeas, hydrangeas, hydrangeas.

Em goes to look at the picture in which I am convinced Fitz and Nate reside and it’s gone! But there’s a note on a postcard – en français! – from A. If only I knew French! But my French is as spotty as my vision is, apparently.

Emily shows the postcard to Spencer and explains she left 26 of them in Ali’s casket. Spencer rattles off some French and apparently the card says that “the police already know it is you who is capable of murder.” Emily’s right; it sounded better in French.

Oh, also, Paige wasn’t cheating on Emily. She was chatting up some girl who works at the costume heart that rented the Queen of Hearts costume to . . . someone.

Oh! It’s Dr. Annabeth Gish! She’s STILL practicing in Rosewood? That seems like a bad idea. Emily is talking about her feelings about killing Nate. She seems to be taking it hard. Probably not as hard as she’d be taking it if Nate had stabbed her to death. Dr. Annabeth Gish suggests hypnotherapy to Emily. Watch out, Em; she’ll be making fucking whale noises yet.

Spencer is still taking her breakup hard. She does a lot of crying over photos that I’m not sure how she and Toby took. Though, knowing Spencer, she probably hired a professional photographer to follow them around. She calls up the shady Private Dick and promises him more money. So keep looking, Private Dick!

Hanna has convinced Caleb to go to his aunt’s house. They root through crap. Caleb isn’t thrilled. Though maybe that’s because Hanna is wearing a fugsville set of overalls. Also, Caleb’s “uncle” is totally his dad. Just, FYI and stuff.

Butthair invites Spencer to the funeral, again, and she declines angrily, again. I’m with Spencer on this. Although she should still comb her hair.

It’s time for Emily’s hypnotherapy/whale songs/alien birth. She’s supposed to be back at the lighthouse, but instead she’s in Ali’s last night! And she’s murdering Ali with the shovel! Well, that’s not good.

Also, Wes is avoiding phone calls. At his brother’s house. He seems very scared. Why would creditors be calling him at Fitz’s house? I just assume it’s creditors. I mean, that’s what scared me in college.

Emily is pretty upset about possibly killing Ali, and Flashback! Drink! Alison is hitting on Emily, like she does, mostly just to fuck with her. Talking about running away to Paris with her forever. In present day, Hot Pam tells Emily that she’s “nothing but good.” But Emily is not so sure!

Spencer and the Private Dick have tracked the “A” key to an apartment complex! She’s hoping that it’s full of things from her and Toby’s relationship. Then there’s a chance . . . that he might NOT be the guy who has been simultaneously fucking you and stalking you and your friends? Oh, Spencer.

Meanwhile! Wes gets yelled at by his physics professor’s husband and he hits him with his man bag and runs away! Apparently, Wes tried to get kicked out of prep school by hitting on his teacher. Wes is even dumber than Fitz, and that’s saying something. He thinks that Aria is a special snowflake, because she’s unexpected. Well, yes. One rarely expects that one’s brother or son would start dating his underage student.

Caleb’s still all Hulky about his family, and Hanna shows him a baby picture that Caleb’s “uncle” gave her. And they discover that Uncle Jamie is really Daddy Jamie. Yes, we know. Because we have seen tv before.

Dr. Annabeth Gish sees Mona! Who brings her a giant orchid. Likely bugged, of course. Or about to release poisonous toxins. Mona can never repay Dr. Annabeth Gish for all that she did!

Spencer opens the “A” apartment room and finds it totally empty. More crying, of course. Even more hair combing, one assumes.

Ali burial! All the girls, minus Spencer, are there with Butthair. Aria is wearing a gown that may very well double as a Morticia Addams costume. And Spencer shows up and tells Butthair that Ali was pregnant by Jerk Detective. Everyone’s seriously angry at Spencer, and I don’t really . . . get it? I mean, why shouldn’t she say something? And then Emily has a flashback again! And she wasn’t there at Ali’s last night! She was in the graveyard, with a shovel! She’s telling a hooded person that they can’t do it as they dig up Ali’s corpse! And the blonde in the red coat is there! Emily knows that she’s the one in charge! And Hanna says out loud that it might be Ali. Well, I’m glad SOMEONE has.

Spencer goes to another portion of the mausoleum and sees Toby’s mom’s tomb, with the hydrangeas that Toby bought. So she KEYS HIS NAME into the marble. First of all, what shitty ass marble is that? Also, rude, Spence.

Credits! Gloved McEvilson is buying some whiskey and showing his/her ID. That doesn’t really help, does it? Now we just know that A is awesome.

Also, next week involves Spencer screaming “DIE!” and attacking Mona. YESSSSSS.

Thoughts? Comments? Concerns? Also, is anyone else ready for some motherfucking action to happen?


Erin is loud, foul-mouthed, an unrepentant lover of trashy movies and believes that champagne should be an every day drink.