Happy Wednesday, ladies and Brian!! And, for those of you who are Christian, a good Ash Wednesday to all of you. May we join together in vague suffering of the things we have given up that likely make us fat and that’s really why we’re doing it! It’s just like being trapped in the wilderness for 40 days, only we get to tweet about how much it sucks.
I myself am giving up being negative for Lent, because Lent is a time in which Christians are called upon to deny themselves their simple pleasures, and NOTHING makes me more happy than being mad about something. And that’s why I’m writing this post on Tuesday night, because after midnight, I have to start looking for the positive in things.
I know. I know. It’s AWFUL. Thank the soon-to-be-crucified Jesus that I’ve got a few more hours to spill some vile over the internet!
Spencer is skipping class! It’s all a part of her rage issues, on account of her heartache. The other girls want to tell Spencer about The Red Coat Girl, but Spencer is too busy being kicked off the Ac Dec team by Mona. AND she’s busy getting messages from A in her SUNGLASSES. That is like super high-tech, A.
Emily still has a job at the coffee shop, so that’s nice. Hanna’s trying to make Uncle Jamie and Caleb bond, or something, because she figures that Uncle Jamie WANTS to tell Caleb that he’s actually his long-lost father, but just needs a little help from his son’s sixteen-year-old girlfriend on the correct words to use. What would happen if no one on this show meddled in anyone else’s fucking business? I mean, besides the fact that the show would cease to exist.
Aria receives a phone call from Fitz’s mom (Aria, by the way, is dressed like a farmer who forgot to pay his electricity bill) and lies to her about Wes’s whereabouts.
Meanwhile, Emily meets up with CeCe to float her theory that Jerk Detective is Alison’s Baby Daddy. CeCe actually uses the phrase “OMG;” that is, she spells it out with her words. CeCe is too stupid to exist, even for Rosewood. CeCe isn’t too concerned with the thought that the lead on Ali’s case may have impregnated-slash-killed her, because she has to create a website, or something. CeCe, I created a website in like an HOUR over lunch. Granted, it looks like shit, but that’s what you have talented graphic designing friends for. I’m just saying. I’ve never used the excuse “sorry I can’t help you solve my best friend’s murder; this HTML is really being tricky” before.
At Spencer’s house, she’s making what looks to be the world’s most disgusting smoothie when the cute Ac Dec guy comes over to talk about her removal from the team. Spencer challenges Andrew to a quiz-off! So many quiz-offs in Rosewood! This never happened in my Ac Dec team. Spencer sweetens the pot by changing the quiz-off to a STRIP quiz-off. Spence, no offense, honey, but you look like you haven’t showered in at least three days. Choose your battles, sweetie. Choose your battles.
Hanna (who has TERRIBLE hair all of a sudden) pleads with Uncle Jamie to tell Caleb the truth. But Uncle Jamie doesn’t feel like he’d be a good father! Because he was in jail once! Hanna hilariously greets this news with dismay and suspicion, as if she isn’t in jail EVERY OTHER FUCKING WEEK on this show. Hanna, just because the arresting officer wants to bang your mother does not mean you aren’t guilty.
At the Strip Quiz-Off, Andrew’s lost his pants and his shirt. He’s surprisingly buff for an Ac Dec (Academic Decathlon) team member. Spencer loses a question about the Peloponnesian War and has to lose her bra (from underneath her shirt). Andrew freaks out when Emily stops by and doesn’t even stop to put on his pants before scurrying out. Andrew is remarkably short-sighted; these two are the hottest girls on the show.
Emily tells Spencer to Get The Hell Over It but Spencer storms off! Annnd then there’s a commercial for a Nicholas Sparks movie. Drink anytime someone kisses in the rain! What I wouldn’t give for a Nicholas Sparks book written during a drought.
At Fitz’s, Wes has pretty much destroyed the apartment in his rush to pack up and go. It turns out that Mama Fitzgerald already knew where Wes was staying and called Aria to test her. Now Wes is running off to Canada, or something? I honestly don’t get what he is doing here or why I’m supposed to care about it. CeCe calls Aria – in a stunning turn of events that no one could see coming, CeCe needs Aria’s help with photography for the new website! Aria decides to bring Wes along, because she wants to get a taste of some of that sweet Fitzgerald man juice before it’s reached the age of expiration.
At Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash, Caleb is piiiiiiissed that Hanna has involved herself in his affairs. Oh, wow. How new and unusual for this couple. Caleb is wearing so much bronzer in this scene. And his hair is in a lovely angular bob. Caleb looks more feminine than I do at this point. Prozzie Mom overhears their argument.
At school, Emily wants to retract all of Spencer’s statements to Butthair (aka Jason). She mentions Jerk Detective and the photo of him in Cape May, and this reminds Butthair of a photo Ali had of Cape May as well. He wants to talk to his dad about Ali’s pregnancy.
At Spencer’s house, Melissa is cooking dinner for Spencer, which seems like a TERRIBLE idea. How far gone are you, Spence? NEVER eat anything Melissa has prepared for you? It probably contains the souls of old women she has killed for their estate jewelry.
But then! Melissa’s domesticity is interrupted by Wren, of all people. Wren! It’s been so long! He’s come to check in on Spencer’s well being. She hilariously suggests that he wire her to a toaster and push “Top Brown” only. That is a ridiculous line, but I enjoy it and will probably use it in the future. Wren’s been sent to check on Spencer . . . by MONA! He has no idea how much he’s being played . . . or how much he’s about to be played, by Spencer.
Hanna is leaving to meet with Caleb’s father, and she’s wearing, like, the most ridiculous jacket. It’s like an American Girl Doll jacket. That Molly would wear. MOLLY. Caleb shows up with his hair combed back and a terrible button-down shirt on and says he wants to meet his father. (Again. I mean, he already knows the dude.) There are just a lot of poor fashion choices happening in this scene. Is this like when sometimes I used to be my most awful self on first dates, figuring if they couldn’t like me at my worst, they didn’t deserve me at my best (IDK; I read that saying on Pinterest once)? Because the problem was, they always REALLY liked me. In a creepy, stalker-y way.
At the Coffee Shop, Caleb and Hanna wait for Uncle Jamie, who hasn’t shown. Probably he did show, and saw Caleb’s awful hair, and was like, “eh, blood ain’t thicker than that hair gel, kid.”
Meanwhile, Aria and Wes and CeCe are setting up a fashion shoot for CeCe’s store. CeCe is overly interested in Aria’s relationship. Doesn’t CeCe have, like, friends her own age?
Coffee Shop! Uncle Jamie shows up and orders coffee on Hanna’s tab. I kind of love Uncle Jamie. His beard helps, of course. Hanna breaks the tension by talking about Lizzing herself at the table.
Butthair and Emily drive up to Butthair’s house to find BILLIONS of bourbon bottles on his porch. And Butthair POURS THEM OUT. That’s it. THAT IS IT. I am fucking done with this show, y’all. I AM FUCKING DONE. I have sat through terrible fashion choices, and pointless plots, and ridiculous characterization, but THIS IS TOO MUCH. A gives you an entire porch of bourbon and your response is to get mad and throw them away? IS THERE NO JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD?
I just . . I can’t even. So angry. Such waste. It’s like seeing one of those commercials where starving children only need 17 cents a day to eat 3 squares and go to school, only instead of sad-eyed, famished children being talked over by a fat white dude in designer clothes, it’s bourbon being thrown into a trash bin.
Wren and Spencer are out on their “mental health date” and Spencer has Wren driving only God knows where. Oh, wait, we know where! It’s the Ac Dec dress rehearsal! Spencer tells Mona that she’s fucking Wren. AND IT IS AWESOME. And then Mona calls Spencer “cray-cray,” which OBVS means that Mona reads this site. The two have a contentious talk until Spencer basically snaps and attacks Mona. Everything about this scene is the best ever. If they’d aired this before all the bourbon trashing, I would be much happier right now.
Aria and Wes are drinking red wine and staging CeCe’s shop design when Wes knocks over the bottle of wine. THIS IS JUST INSULT TO INJURY. Come the fuck ON, show! Somehow, this prompts Aria to invite Wes to stay at her house. CeCe calls Aria up and lies, saying her car was towed. It’s unclear as to whether she was just trying to set Aria and Wes up, or if she’s involved in A stuff. I guess the two aren’t mutually exclusive.
Emily and Butthair are in Butthair’s dad’s office, looking through his boxes (ostensibly to find the photo of Ali at the beach). They find the photo, and it’s of Ali, CeCe and Jerk Detective. And, Flashback! Butthair, with the worst Butthair we’ve seen so far, stumbles out of his house and drinks out of the water hose. He sees Melissa and (presumably) Ali arguing, but when the girl in the yellow top turns around, it’s CeCe!!
Hanna asks Prozzie Mom to ask squirrel-killer Pastor Ted to hire Uncle Jamie to fix the church’s bell tower. Yeah, I’m sure that will end well for everyone involved. And then Hanna and Caleb make out at church. Um, guys, the candles are lit for prayers, not for romantic ambiance. Jamie gets the job, so Hanna slips a five dollar bill (a lucky one, presumably; it has dice drawn on it) into the donation box. (Also, what kind of church is this? How many denominations other than Catholic light candles for prayer? Anyone know? Hit me up in the comments!
Emily and Butthair get stuck in the elevator. They nearly have their limbs taken off by the elevator doors and have to jump down like half a damn floor. Well, that is, Emily makes the jump. Butthair gets stuck on an elevator hurtling towards the bottom floor. YES. Because THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS when you throw away bourbon! Shouldn’t have fucked with the Bourbon gods, Butthair!
Wren drives Spencer home and lies to Melissa a bit, while using the phrase “gyppy tummy,” which is not only highly offensive but also something that I’m pretty sure has never been said. It’s just a dodgy tummy, Wren.
Wes recites poetry to Aria, which of course gets her loins a tingling, and then he kisses her. Hilariously, the hashtag that the show suggests for this scene is #TheWrongFitz. There are so many things wrong with what this show chooses to be.
At Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash, everyone’s celebrating with pizza, and Uncle Jamie pays for it . . . with the money he stole from the donation box, of course. Jesus, Uncle Jamie. Wait a DAY.
Everyone gets S.O.S. texts from Emily. She’s at the hospital with Butthair, who is basically fine, except that he’s in a neck brace. And someone took the photo off of Butthair during the accident. Spencer shows up and apologizes to Emily for being so off the rails . . . but then they learn from a nurse that Jason is GONE.
Credits. A plays Spin the Bottle with more bourbon. And Spencer gets chosen as the next victim! And there are two glasses of bourbon clinking, which is supposed to make us think that there are still two people working together, but that’s ALWAYS how I drink my bourbon. Pouring two glasses ensures that you don’t have to stand up as often.
And that’s it for this week! Man, I hope for my sake that the next few weeks’ episodes are nothing but awesome, because if people keep wasting booze on this show, I’m going to have a REALLY HARD TIME finding something positive to say.
Until next week, hit us up in the comments! Thoughts? Theories? Drinking games to deal with all that bourbon? Let’s hear ’em below!