GUYS. So, when we switched layouts, we also switched servers (which is cool! Cause I thought nothing could be as bad as WordPress!). And this one’s pretty slick except sometimes, like when you accidentally swipe the “back” button on your laptop cause your fat cat just jumped up on your lap and laid down on your forearms in an attempt to get you to pay attention to him and not the computer, it totally erases your ENTIRE POST. At the VERY END OF THE SHOW.
That’s what happened to me. Obviously, as you can tell, I am TOTALLY over it and am in no way plotting the demise of a non-sentient internet blog server. NO WAY.
So, anyway! Because it totally deleted my normal recap-style, we’re just going to do a run-down of what our Liars are up to. Let’s go in alphabetical order, shall we?
Aria is unsettling me. She keeps wearing cute clothes to school, albeit ones which might show off her breasticles a bit too much. That dress she wears in the first scene? I WOULD TOTALLY BUY THAT. Even her earrings aren’t that bad! I don’t know what’s happening to her. Luckily, she also wears, like, Old Hippie Art Teacher clothes in one scene, including a fug-ass belt and a shirt that does that thing where it flares structurally over the hips and that’s supposed to be “on trend” (I really hate that phrase) right now but HELLO IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE SMUGGLING IN EXTRA LOVE HANDLES.
Meh, now that I get a full look at it, I’m not so enamored. Pick-up skirts are so 2009.
She’s also disturbing me because she keeps trying to be the voice of reason this season. I mean, don’t get me wrong: she’s still having ill-advised sexual relations with her former teacher AND trying to get him to tutor Emily, who is failing on account of all the Maya-related alcoholism, BUT she uttered the words “we need to go to the police” AT LEAST TWICE this episode. I think everyone’ s right, and that Aria is A, and she wants the girls to get arrested or something. Because otherwise she’s being rational, and that just frightens me.
Speaking of A, she leaves Aria an earring in her locker. She had left the locker in Alison’s coffin, which means that whoever is sending them must have dug up Ali’s grave! That causes a FLASHBACK! to the year she found out that Actor/Director Chad Lowe was having an affair with Jodie Sawyer, who has a bad turnout. Aria and Alison are in Chad Lowe’s office at Hollis, looking for evidence that the affair is still ongoing. Alison “finds” a pair of earrings in the couch and then councils Aria that the only way to get Chad Lowe to break off his affair is to make it look like Jodie Sawyer has come unhinged. So they trash his office! It’s nice!
Anyway, present day, not only is A threatening to tell Chad Lowe about this, but JODIE SAWYER IS BACK. She’s done her time at Cooper Nielson’s and is in Rosewood to APPLY FOR A JOB AT THE HIGH SCHOOL. What? Why? What? Aria’s pissed.
But not as pissed as Chad Lowe is when Aria tells him that she trashed his office. He demands that she apologize to Jodie Sawyer. Um, WHAT? I’m sorry, BUT NO. You don’t tell your DAUGHTER to apologize to your MISTRESS particularly after demanding that your daughter keep YOUR AFFAIR secret from her mother. Chad Lowe, you are the ACTUAL WORST.
Emily is failing school and has to take a bunch of make-up tests in order to pass, or something. I don’t know. It seems very flimsy. So Aria convinces Em to let Fitz tutor her, and he does a lot of inspirational talk about how Emily could always fly without the magic feather, or whatever. His great advice is that Emily listen to music before a test. Ground breaking. Hard to believe that guy can’t keep a teaching job.
So Emily is sitting her test in Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride’s, class when she suddenly has another flashback to the Night of the Missing Grave. She was being driven in a car. . . by Jenna! WHAAAA.
This revelation causes Emily to blow her test, but Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, totally gives her a passing grade. Ruh roh, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride! Don’t let Jodie Sawyer figure this out!
But none of that is quite so creepy as when Emily receives a necklace that spells out (with blocks) “Dead Girls Cant Smile.” (sic) I will forgive A his/her cheapness in not buying a block with an apostrophe printed on it, but only because A has TOTALLY STRUNG SOME TEETH ON THAT NECKLACE. WHAAA. That’s just cray. This A is SO much better than Mona. Oh, hey, speaking of . . .
Hanna continues to visit Mona, much to the chagrin of her Lord Protector Caleb, who wants Hanna to leave it all alone. I imagine he also wants Hanna to leave Wren alone, cause Caleb’s totes jealous. I’m personally chagrined because Hanna has started to channel Season 2 Aria in terms of clothing. That, or she’s been trapped in Prozzie Mom’s closet from Melrose Place. I mean, Hanna, come on. This isn’t Jazzercise.
Anyway, Hanna gets a little upset with Mona and ends up throwing a chair and trashing her visitor’s badge while Mona sits placidly. Until Hanna leaves, of course, and Mona fishes out the badge. Hanna comes back the next day to apologize for dealing poorly with her “ambiguous loss” and offers Mona a makeover. See, this is kind of why I adore Hanna. Who else? Mona shocks Hanna by finally speaking, asking her if she’s still getting texts from A. Then Mona falls silent again, but after Hanna leaves, she digs out a pair of tweezers she palmed during the makeover and uses them to draw blood. Man, I LOVE crazy Mona. She’s such a badass.
Meanwhile, Hanna and Wren are growing closer, and Wren opens up about how much he hates his father because he suffers from dementia. Wow. I’m super glad Wren decided to be a doctor! Great attitude, asshole.
Spencer gets a back rub from Toby and they do Leany Kisses and then she manages to take part of Toby’s shirt off, revealing a tattoo he has on his hip. It’s awesome.
Oh, wait. I mean, other stuff happens too, I guess. But can we just pause a moment and think about Toby and his tattoo?
Don’t look so shocked, Spence. He’s your boyfriend; we just want to borrow him.
Alright, actual plot. Ma Hastings is SUPER pissed that Spencer keeps visiting Garret, but Spencer wants answers! Damnit! But then Ma Hastings chooses to represent Garrett! Whaaaa?
Meanwhile! Toby shows Spencer these eyedrops he found in Jenna’s room. She keeps fulfilling the prescription, even though the doctor only prescribed them when he thought the eye surgery would go well! What could this mean?! Spencer and the girls spy on Jenna in the bathroom and realize that she can totally see. FINALLY THEY FIGURE IT OUT. Everyone is ready to wail on Jenna (Aria is particularly hilarious about it) but Spencer explains that JENNA DOESN’T KNOW THAT THEY KNOW. They can use this against her! Except . . . I’m not really sure how. But it’s still hilarious to watch Jenna pretend to be blind.
Son of Gloved McEvilson
And that’s it! Except! We have credits again! And this time someone in a red coat is BUYING black gloves and hoodies. Lots of ’em! Aww, we’ve got a new Gloved McEvilson!! Let’s call this one Son of Gloved McEvilson, in keeping with our spooky theme. I’m hoping this one does even more gloved evil.
What you think of the episode? What are we supposed to do now that Aria is dressing and behaving in a rational manner? How much does Ma Hastings suck for interrupting Toby and Spencer’s make out session? Sound off below!