Y’ALL. I came home from FYA Book Club last night (which, in true Houston FYA Book Club fashion, spent a sum total of about 5 minutes on the book, and the rest of the time talking about our sex lives), expecting last night’s Pretty Little Liars to be a lot of lying, and maybe a little prettiness. I wasn’t expecting THINGS to happen. That said, I guess we’re quickly reaching the end of the season, so I should have paid more attention to what number episode it was.
Let’s break this shizz down, yeah? In alphabetical order!
Our Woodland Nymphette, Aria
(Has anyone ever done a YouTube mashup of scenes of Aria from PLL and scenes of Arya from Game of Thrones? Because that would be HILARIOUS to me.)
Who would have thunk it? Aria’s relationship with her mid-twenties teacher is super awkward now that said 20-something teacher’s 7 year old love child is in town. Yep, that’s right, Alex Mack (aka Maggie) and Malcolm are moving to Rosewood, because Rosewood is everywhere and everything. You only think you are living a full life outside of Rosewood, PA, people, but you’re not. You’ll see.
Malcolm the Love Child has the worst hair in the world. It’s even worse than Caleb’s. Actually, maybe this kid IS Caleb. Maybe that’s why Caleb isn’t in this episode, because the actor is too busy walking around on his knees and pretending to be Malcolm. It’s definitely not the craziest thing that has happened on this show.
Aria enjoys playing trains with Fitz and Malcolm – the latter in a train conductor hat because Fitz just cannot fucking wait five minutes before turning his kid into a douchey hipster – and even offers to babysit Malcolm for Alex Mack. Oh, ARIA. Why are you so incredibly stupid, all the time?
To absolutely no one’s surprise, Aria is a HORRIBLE babysitter, letting Malcolm play video games for hours and discussing his parentage right in front of him. And then she lets him jump on the bed, because I guess no one ever read Aria the “Three Little Monkeys” story as a child. Fucking Aria is so pretentious that she probably demanded to be read Sartre whilst in the womb. “Where am I? What is to become of my life? My world is wet and warm and pink and glowy; are all such worlds thus?” thinks Fetus Aria, while fashioning her umbilical cord into a statement necklace.
Anyway, so of course Malcolm falls off the bed and breaks his . . . chin, and he has to get stitches (even though it looks like barely a raspberry). Fitz is PISSED and Aria says that she doesn’t know the first thing about being a parent and Aria, guess what? NO ONE IS ASKING YOU TO BE A PARENT. It’s not like you and Fitz are getting MARRIED. For Christ’s sake. Then the nurse kicks her out of the hospital room because she isn’t immediate family (because you know how seriously hospitals take the privacy of children that they’re giving three stitches to) and Aria goes home and cries to her mom about it. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, wisely tells Aria that not every relationship is meant to last forever. Yes. Because sometimes you graduate high school.
Emily, To Whom All Danger Is Directed
Spencer finally tells Emily and Aria about Toby’s involvement in the A team, and Emily refuses to believe that her BFF Toby could be so evil. Because dang it, she and Toby made mixed tapes for each other! So she goes to Toby’s loft (the keys for which she apparently keeps in a cup at the Rear Window We’re So Edgy Coffee Shop? Where anyone could get them?) with Hanna to investigate – assuming that Mona probably has something on Toby and is blackmailing him to help. She doesn’t find much (Hanna hilariously finds the tv and plops down on the couch), but they do find Toby’s alias for when he was visiting Mona at Radley.
Emily also forlornly looks for Toby at his and Jenna’s parents house, but the mail is overflowing and the lawn hasn’t been mowed, facts that I guess Emily didn’t notice for the LAST FOUR WEEKS WHILE SHE WAS LIVING ACROSS THE STREET FROM HIM. Honestly. Is there even a script supervisor on this show? THEY ARE NEIGHBORS. I think she realizes when her neighbors aren’t there! Em encounters one of Toby’s old coworkers, who claims he hasn’t seen Toby in weeks, but he seems a little dodgy, to be honest.
Emily goes to the police station and asks to use Hot Pam’s computer, to which Hot Pam acquiesces. Really? You just . . . let civilians use cop computers? Emily does a search on Toby’s alias and comes across an arrest record, but when she clicks on the mug shot it hilariously loads pixel by pixel, from the bottom up. The screenwriters realize that computers don’t work that way, right? I ask because it seems like EVERY computer on shows loads suspensefully. They should upgrade their OS to the new Windows Non-Drama system. It just displays everything instantly, because it was made after 1989.
Just when the mug shot is about to load, Emily gets a text – from Toby! He tells her to stop looking for him, and that he’ll meet her at 7 that night. But when Emily shows up, she’s at Toby’s coworker’s shop! And he doesn’t know what she’s talking about! But when she gets back to her car, she sees an envelope with her name on it on the front seat (the window is smashed, which doesn’t really seem like A’s work.). Inside? What looks like car parts and a funeral program . . . for Toby.
Hanna the Consummate Criminal
Prozzie Mom is pretty freaked out still, on account of how she just ran over Jerk Detective with her car and now his body is missing. She wants to call her lawyer but Hanna tells her not to. Oh, yes, great. Take legal advice from Hanna. That’s like taking contraceptive advice from someone who has a baby crowning from her vagina. But Prozzie Mom remains nervous – and she also spots Jerk Detective lurking on The Only Street in Rosewood! Vision? Or reality?
Meanwhile, Hanna is trying to cover up her mom’s crime, particularly since A has managed to transport Jerk Detective’s police cruiser into Hanna’s garage. The video from the car’s dashboard is HILARIOUSLY clear and you can hear everything that Jerk Detective and Prozzie Mom say. Hanna decides that she needs to get rid of the evidence, so she calls Aria and they hilariously push the car into the lake. There is nothing about this that is not hysterical to me. This is like if the Marx brothers made a dramedy for basic cable right now. This is the banana peel of plot lines.
When Hanna returns home to the Kitchen of Carbs and Cash, she sees Prozzie Mom eating her feelings with about 15 different cartons of Chinese take-out. Is this what happens when you maybe kill a person? An overwhelming urge for dumplings? If so, SIGN ME UP. Prozzie Mom thinks everything is fine because Wilden is alive (did no one think to check the trunk of the car?), so we obviously know that she doesn’t even watch her own show. It’s not going to be fine, Prozzie Mom! IT IS NEVER FINE.
St-st-st-steam Heat Spencer!
Spencer is still traumatized by her steam shower of luxury, but is even more wigged out when she receives a giant funeral wreath at her door. Hilariously, Spencer carries it inside, because . . . why not? I guess? I mean, it IS a really pretty wreath. A’s note says “someone close to you will pay for your loose lips.” Dizamm, Wren really must be hot property if Spencer making out with him once (well, once since the time that Wren was engaged to her sister, that is) causes this much dramz.
At the coffee shop, Spencer thanks Mona for the flowers. Mona denies-while-not-really-denying and shoots daggers at Emil, indicating that she could be the someone close who will pay. Why is it always Emily who gets hurt the most? Oh, right, because she’s a lesbian. Spencer ponders the wreath at home and seems to find some sort of hidden code in the wreath’s “with deepest sympathy” sash. The E and the M aren’t shiny like the other letters, so Spencer thinks that Mona is going to target Em next. What if she is actually going to target herself? Because there’s no I in team, but there is a ME. Orrr it could just be that the florist was out of shiny letters, Spence. Stop grasping at straws and wash your hair.
Spencer takes to stalking Mona and overhears her planning to meet up with someone. Mona parks her car in the woods and sets off on foot, with Spence right behind. It’s dark and spooky and she has lost track of Mona when Spencer trips . . . on a body. A body with a motorcycle helmet and Toby’s “901 Free At Last” tattoo. What? Seriously? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I mean, Toby you were evil and I didn’t want you to make Spencer cry but YOU CAN’T BE DEAD. Your abs! WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOUR ABS?
Spencer hears Mona yell “he’s dead!” and so she leaves the body (dumb, dumb Spencer) to go screaming after Mona. Spencer, ALWAYS STAY WITH THE BODY. Have you learned nothing from your seventeen years in Rosewood?
And then! Some park rangers come across an “unidentified female” in the woods. And it’s Spencer! She’s completely catatonic and somehow her hair has increased 15 times in both volume and curl. She refuses to speak, just stares and cries and rocks, so of course they put her in Radley for a psych eval. Oh, SPENCER. You are a devious one!
Credits: a fisherman catches a Rosewood PD hat on his line. Ruh roh! (Also I can’t really see Jerk Detective wearing a hat like that.)
So! LET’S DISH. Do you think that the body Spencer found is really Toby? Is Toby actually dead or is this just a way to get Spencer and Emily off his back? Who else is helping Mona? And if Toby IS dead, then why did A kill him? Talk it up in the comments – I want to hear your theories!