Greetings, FYAers!! It’s Wednesday, I’m stoned on pain medication and I’m typing one-handed. Everything is so exciting! But also dizzy. Everything is so dizzy.
What have our little Liars been up to this week? I don’t know about you guys, but I thought last night’s episode was AMAZING. This show does a really great job of starting its seasons off with a bang. Unfortunately, it often devolves into filler about five episodes in and then doesn’t pick up again until the last two eps of the season. Maybe they should only air 7 episodes per mini-season?
Okay, let’s see what Aria’s up to!
Well, for the most part, Aria is spying on Jenna, and thus is going to play with Jenna at the school talent show, or whatever. Aria’s funny again while she assures the other girls that she’s a great investigator but even better runner. It’s creeping me out. Stop being funny and dressing normally, Aria. I can’t handle change.
She hilariously practices some awful baroque piece with Jenna, Aria on keyboard and Jenna on her flute. It’s as terrible as you would imagine. Then Aria stupidly snoops in Jenna’s room, right in front of Jenna, even though she knows that Jenna can see. Aria, you’re stupid again. Thank god. She sees a note in Jenna’s flute case that says H Cobb Wednesday 4:15 Earplugs. Knowing what I now know about where Jenna goes, that’s a hilariously accurate note.
During the weirdest practice for the lamest talent show ever, Jenna talks to Aria about Mona and Alison’s grave. It’s creepy, per uhz. But then, aww, she made cookies! All is forgiven, Jenna!
All together again, the Liars wonder what Jenna’s note could mean. Hanna would like people to be more specific with their clues. Spencer snarks that she can put that it in the suggestion box. They decide that Aria and Hanna will follow Jenna tomorrow and figure out who H Cobb is.
Meanwhile, Aria is still dating Fitz. It’s still gross. He can’t find a job. Probably because he keeps having sex with teenagers.
Aria and Hanna spy on Jenna. While they do, Aria subtly pumps Hanna for info on what Caleb knows about A. And she’s wearing crappy earrings again. She’s sooo A. They follow Jenna (in a cab) to a doctor’s office. But then! They see Jenna! Driving the car that Em recognized! They call the other girls to meet them as they follow Jenna’s car . . . to a gun range! Jenna! Cookies and target practice? Let’s be BFF. Hanna confronts Jenna and tell her that they want answers! Because Jenna has a reputation for being absolutely truthful at all times! Jenna says that she has been able to see since her first operation, but that she pretended to be blind because she wanted to figure out who burned her house down! She’s a target! Just like them! Convenient, Jenna.
And about the night that Ali’s body went missing? Jenna claims that she found Emily at the edge of town, drunk and in a daze. So she picked Emily up and was going to drive her home, but Emily jumped out and ran away. Jenna begs them to keep her secret, since they owe it to her, having blinded her in the first place. Um, except that you are a RAPIST, Jenna, and they know that, and why should they do anything for you?
Emily’s storyline this week is very Degrassi Junior High. I mean, she doesn’t take ecstasy and then get raped and then get pregnant and then try to get an abortion but her parents kick her out and then she’s homeless and then she miscarries and then she goes to the hospital and is told she’ll never be able to have children again, all in the span of, like, 50 minutes. But it’s close.
No, instead, Emily got a 94 on her test, and instead of just being grateful, she gets pissed off, because she thinks A is changing her grade to get her accused of cheating. She earnestly tells Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, that she didn’t cheat! HMC, CB, is like, “I believe you” and Emily is all “no, you don’t understand” and HMC’s all “no, you don’t understand” and it takes like five fucking minutes for Emily to figure out that Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, passed her. So she immediately complains to Aria about it. Way to involve Aria in your drama, Em! Emily has found her mad and refuses to be pushed around by A! What . . . what does A have to do with it? What’s A but a second-hand emotion?
Anyway, Fitz fucking sticks his nose into the whole issue with Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, who he keeps calling Ella, even though he should be addressing her as Ms. Montgomery, Mother of the Teenaged Girl I’m Fucking. Fits keeps asking Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, about her problems and shizz. Then they . . . flirt? It’s gross.
Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, gets called into the principal’s office for her lax policy on grading, and Emily plans to take the fall and say that she cheated, but Fitz rescues them both by telling the principal that he watched Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, grade the test himself, implying there was no funny business. Everyone is happy! Except Em, who takes Fitz to task about treating her like a broken thing. He in turn gives her a practice test to, I guess, boost her confidence? She happily completes it. See what I mean? Total Degrassi.
Let’s talk about Hanna, who has taken to wearing hideous knit caps. She’s concerned about Lucas, who has grown scruffy and totally hot! He’s getting in trouble at school! Hanna tries to comfort him in a classroom and Lucas plays pyro a bit and burns some disciplinary note. And then he leaves, like, “I’m out, bitch!” I kind of love Bad!Lucas. He’s adorable.
Caleb does not understand Hanna’s concern for any of her former friends. Lucas is just rebelling like any normal teen! Caleb’s hair has reached disgusting levels, by the way. And I think he’s wearing lipstick. Hanna is still upset, so Caleb takes it upon himself to sort out Hanna’s problems, like he ALWAYS does. This is why I hate Caleb so much! Listen, dick, your girlfriend can take care of herself.
Caleb asks Lucas what the deal is, and Lucas is adorably misanthropic. Lucas implies that he knows more about A than Hanna does, and tells Caleb he doesn’t want to be around when the shit hits the fan. Or when the iceberg rolls over. It’s kind of a weird metaphor.
It’s Crazy Mona time! At the psych ward, Hanna witnesses Mona being social to the other patients. Mona won’t shut up now; she’s a regular chatterbox. Hanna is mad that Mona’s still holding out on her. Why won’t she talk about being A?? Mona implies that you can’t even trust family. Then she cutely asks if anyone’s found Alison’s remains. Man, I love crazy Mona. When Hanna’s on her way out, she sees Lucas coming in to visit! Intrigue!
Outside the Sanitarium, Caleb’s still pissed off that Hanna keeps visiting Mona and, like, making her own decisions and picking out what to wear in the morning all by herself. (To be fair, she should not do that last part.) As they’re fighting on the front steps, Lucas comes out. Hanna confronts him about his attitude and his visits to Mona. Lucas suggests that Mona’s faking her craziness. Man. Lucas is a hardass this season. Later, Caleb comes to visit Mona and tells her not to mess with Hanna. Mona starts nattering on about card games, but then leans in and creepily tells Caleb that he’s a lousy kisser. And then she flips the fuck out and then starts screaming and throwing things!! Crazy Mona, I LOVE YOU!!! Later, in her room, Mona sings (well!) while clutching a Queen of Hearts card.
And, like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our Hastings:
Melissa’s home! She doesn’t look any more pregnant than usual. Actually she looks less pregnant. She’s also burning things in the fireplace. Ma Hastings comes home and tells them both that she’s representing Garrett. Spencer acts surprised and questions why, but Ma Hastings thinks that because she’s got a child who was accused while innocent, she should represent Garrett. Because he could also be innocent? This isn’t a very logical leap for a lawyer. Spencer’s pretty damn pissed about the whole thing, while Melissa’s actively bitchy about not caring. Melissa’s also a drunk now. What the hell?
So then finally they explain why Melissa’s tummy is flat as a board. She had a miscarriage in June while on vacation! Spencer asks why Melissa wouldn’t let her come see her, and Melissa says she just wanted Ma Hastings. But then she sides with Garrett, saying that he’s the only one who always told her the truth.
The Liars are all confused by Melissa’s loyalty to Garrett and Ma Hastings’ sudden decision to represent him. Hanna suggests that maybe Melissa’s baby wasn’t Ian’s! Maybe it was really Garrett’s! And now Ma Hastings is representing him cause she feels bad that she lost her future grandchild! Spencer decides to do some investigating about Melissa’s miscarriage and so does the time-honored tv trick of impersonating Melissa on the phone with the hospital. Good thing they don’t ask for social security info or personal PIN numbers and aren’t suspicious about telling a person what happened to that same person. The hospital tell “Melissa” that there’s no record of Melissa being at the hospital. At all! Ever! Lies! It was all lies!
After that, Spencer impersonates Melissa again, this time with the hotel Melissa was staying at during the time of the alleged miscarriage. Melissa stayed till the 13th (her miscarriage was meant to be June 10th) and availed herself of spa charges and shopping trips. And she purchased another room under the name Veronica Hastings!
Spencer asks Ma Hastings what the hell went on with Melissa and her fake miscarriage. Was she ever actually even pregnant? Or was it a fake baby all along? Ma Hastings tells Spencer that she had her suspicions about Melissa’s pregnancy but refuses to tell Spencer when Melissa actually lost the baby or whether a baby was actually ever there. Ma Hastings is sometimes the worst.
Son of Gloved McEvilson
And then! Credits! Son of Gloved McEvilson is making more teeth necklaces and pouring out vodka that was in Alison’s casket. But is anyone really in that body bag that Son of Gloved McEvilson is keeping in the deep freezer?
So what did y’all think of this episode? What’s up with Lucas? Was Melissa ever really pregnant? What is Jenna’s plan? And why must we be subjected to more Fitz? Sound off below!