Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash. Prozzie Mom has left Hanna alone for a few days, which is dumb on many levels. Jerk Detective comes over to ask Hanna for a blood sample. Without a warrant. I wish these girls would watch some Law and Order: SVU or, like, pay attention in government class, so that they know their rights.
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!!
On the Only Street in Rosewood, the Liars are discussing Jerk Detective’s motives. Loudly. While discussing all the nefarious event they’ve been up to. Loudly. I’ve paused the show to catch up in typing and Hanna and Emily are whimsically discussing their crimes, Aria is looking contemplative, like maybe she’s got to figure out how to step up her A game, and only Spencer is glancing around to make sure they aren’t being watched. Yeah, that seems about right.
Coffee Shop of Emily’s employment. The girls sans Hanna come in and see a blonde girl at the counter who reminds them of Alison. For some bizarre reason, they tell this strange girl about her similarities, and it turns out that she knew Ali too! Who didn’t know that girl? CiCi apparently spent a few months bonding with Ali during a summer in the Land of the Rich Yankees. She dated Butthair (aka Jason)! Ali told CiCi all about them! CiCi even implies – hilariously – that Aria can do a little shoplifting, if she wants, and Aria is totally snitty when she says, “I think you mean Hanna.” Yeah, Aria, because you totally have the moral authority over Hanna. Tell me again about your creepy overaged boyfriend’s stash of bills?
The girls marvel at how CiCi’s mannerisms echo Ali’s so completely. Why didn’t Ali ever mention CiCi to them?
At school, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, has a date tonight! Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, calls out Aria’s fashion choices: “you wear forks for earrings!” Aria wishes her mom luck.
Meanwhile! Spencer is working on the world’s creepiest diorama on her computer. She adds in CeCe (sorry for the earlier misspellings, CeCe!) into her timeline. And then Toby shows up!! But they don’t have leany kisses! They ARGUE! It’s awful! Stop doing that, guys! I depend on you!
Coffee Shop of Emily’s Employment. Does Emily even go to school anymore? Is Major Hot Dad still in Afghanistan? I need an update on her home life, show. Emily’s Coffee Shop is called Rear Window Brew, which, okay, heh, but I think we’re reaching a little bit with our references, show. Unless Grace Kelly’s going to turn out to be A. That’d be cool. She could be A from BEYOND THE GRAVE.
Hot Nate shows up to tell Emily that he has a date with Jenna. Oh, Hot Nate. Why are you so hot and stupid? He tells her that Jenna has nice things to say about Emily . . . and Maya.
Meanwhile, Hanna and Aria are walking into Hanna’s Kitchen of Carbs and Cash and see an Ouija board. Fun! Hanna picks up the planchet and it pokes her, bringing up blood. On the back is a note from A: “See how easy it is to get your blood?” Aw shizz.
I just want to bring up, also, that Hanna is O negative. And on that basis alone, the cops want to get a sample of her blood. LITERALLY 40 PERCENT OF THE WORLD IS O NEGATIVE. Judge Judith Light on Law and Order: SVU would laugh that court order off her docket.
It turns out that Hanna buried the Ouija board with Ali’s body. Because . .. . that’s what you do. Hanna says she and Mona played it before they found Ali’s body. Flashback!! Mona asks the Ouija board about Alison. It says that Alison is alive! And then Hanna thinks she sees Ali in her window!
Aria decides she’s going to talk to Mona and find the truth . . . and then a plant falls and breaks! Prozzie Mom isn’t going to like that.
Spencer and Butthair discuss Garrett’s release. Butthair feels like he’s a big screw up now. Spencer tells him that CeCe is back in town.
Speaking of! Emily and Hot Nate are at CeCe’s boutique. Em’s the one with the crush on Ali! And then Hot Nate picks a pair of earrings that he’d seen on Maya . . . only Emily had just bought Maya those earrings a week before she died, so how did Hot Nate see them? Better question! How did Emily buy those earrings for Maya a week before she died? Maya was avoiding her phone calls, remember! Why is this show trying to trick us into thinking Emily and Maya were thick as thieves right before Maya died? Maya ran away!
Then Hot Nate flirts with Emily. Are these two going to do it, or what? In the books, Emily’s only a lesbian when it’s convenient to the plot. I hope they don’t portray her in the same way on the show.
Coffee Shop of Emily’s Employment. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is waiting for her date and flirting with the hot baker. And her date is Ted! WHAT! Ted, how could you do this to Prozzie Mom!
Sanitarium. Aria’s come to visit Mona. She basically has to derobe first because all of her crazy accessories could cause injury. Mona’s as creepy crazy as ever, but I’m pretty sure that this visit’s going to turn into a meeting of the two As.
Commercials. I hate this Bing commercial where the two people plan their lovely outdoor wedding in like an afternoon just by Binging the phrase outdoor wedding and then using their social contacts who just happen to have a gorgeous barn. SHUT UP BING IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY.
On the Only Street in Rosewood, Spencer’s mom is going to try to block the court order for Hanna’s blood. And then Hanna sees Alison’s father!
Meanwhile, Emily’s warning Hot Nate by telling him that Jenna used to date Garrett. Hilariously, Hot Nate is all, “oh my god!! She could have been his next victim!” Oh, I laughed. I love Hot Nate!
Also meanwhile!! Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is not fully invested in her date with Ted the Two-Timer. Which is good, because Prozzie Mom is going to be so upset!
ALSO MEANWHILE. Hanna comes up to Mr DiLaurentis and apologizes to him, and he’s really upset with her. Um. Did I miss a step? What does Hanna have to apologize for? Like, he’s REALLY mad at her. I’m not going to have to go back and read through the last three years of recaps (jeeez!), am I? Someone tell me what is going on here, please!
Sanitarium. Aria tells Mona that they keep receiving items from Ali’s grave. Mona swears she has nothing to do with it. Hanna meets Aria outside and is going to sneak in to see Mona.
Meanwhile! Emily runs into CeCe on the Only Street in Rosewood. CeCe is, like, overly invested in Emily’s life. And then she calls Jenna! Whose number she had in her phone! Um, WHAT? Then CeCe tells Jenna to stay away from her boyfriend! Emily is gobsmacked. As am I. Who IS this bitch?
Coffee Shop of Emily’s Employment. Hot Baker flirts with Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, and gives her pastries. He’s officially my favorite.
Sanitarium. Aria’s on lookout while Hanna sneaks into Mona’s room. They discuss the night that Hanna saw Alison. Okay, yay, we’re getting answers!
Flashback!! Hanna and Mona are walking around town when they are yelled at by Mr. DiLaurentis. It turns out that Hanna told the DiLaurentis about seeing Ali the night of the Ouija board incident. And then three days later, they found Ali’s body. So THAT’s what’s going on! I’m not suffering from memory loss; they’re just introducing new ridiculous plot points to make this show interesting! Yay!
Oh, meanwhile? While Hanna was busy reminiscing, Mona was stealing Aria’s keys and escaping.
Cut to: a speeding car! It isn’t Mona, though. Spencer comes across Butthair’s crashed car. He’s drunk, and she covers for him by driving away from the scene of the accident. Man. She’s a good sister.
At the Sanitarium, Aria and Hanna search for Mona. She’s in the Children’s Ward . . .?
Spencer’s. She gets home to find Toby waiting for her. Before she can explain, Jerk Detective knocks on the door. Man! Does Rosewood have any other cops? He tells her that they found her car at the scene of an accident, and Toby covers for her and says they were home all night. Toby’s not happy to by lying to the police, especially to cover Butthair’s ass.
Sanitarium. Mona is doing her crazy singing and playing with a doll. “Miss Aria, you’re a killer, not Ezra’s wife. Where were we? Maya’s away sleeping sweet, until Garrett and Rosie count on me. No one to save Ali from evil. I missed my dolls.” Mona is led away by nurses while Hanna and Aria hide.
Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, and Aria are having some girl talk about Hot Baker. Hanna, meanwhile, has taken some of Mona’s dolls.
On the Only Street in Rosewood, Emily sees Hot Nate waiting alone for a Jenna who will never come.
Meanwhile! Hanna figures out that Mona was talking in code! Using the first letter of every word, we have: “Maya knew. www.massugar.com Not safe.” I’m . . . md? I don’t understand that part. And Maya’s picture’s on the website and wants a password. Whoa!
Children’s ward. Mona has creepily arranged all her creepy dolls in little bassinets. And then! Son of Gloved McEvilson comes and pulls out a voice recorder from one of the dolls! It’s got Hanna and Aria talking to Mona on it! Roh roh.
Next week, it looks like Fitz’s mom shows up to Rosewood. Funnn.
Thoughts? Is Mona legit trying to warn Hanna? Why is Jerk Detective such a jerk? Who is CeCe? Any guesses as to what’s going to happen this season?