What happens when the liars stop being polite and start getting real? Things get crazy, of course…
A mere week after dropping an information bomb (with no apparent followup from the girls whatsoever), Melissa has conveniently left for London. I hate how every time there’s ANY progress in getting to the bottom of things, people just disappear. After two episodes of Mona seeming like she was going to be the 5th liar, she has been inexplicably gone. I have no patience for this. Therefore I propose a drinking game:
The next time someone gives a ton of information only to never be seen again, DRINK. I mean, more than you usually do while watching this! The flip side of the disappearance drinking game is the reappearance/appearance drinking game! So, every time a shady new character gets introduced or we see a character we haven’t seen in months, DRINK! I am getting my wine at the ready.
Student Debt Crisis, Rosewood Style
Though they seem to live a mere two houses away from each other (since they both appear to live next door to Ali), Emily is poor and Spencer is rich. Emily lives on the wrong side of the DiLaurentis’s.
Therefore she cannot afford to go to any colleges and will soon be drug-addicted, gimp-armed, debt-ridden average lesbian, while Spencer’s family can hire Ivy-league pimps who will reposition Spencer for best feng shui appeal.
Oh look, it’s Ella’s turn to teach the one English class at Rosewood. She introduces this week’s plot contrivance: college trip weekend! Where they can audit the many classes that meet on Saturdays.
It just so happens that Spencer’s pimp manual lists Cicero College in York County, which Aria happens to notice has the same area code AND prefix as the mysterious number from Tippy. You don’t say. We should have a coincidence drinking game too.
Actual Terrible Things for Aria (Should I Feel Guilty About This?)
Although everyone in the comments agreed with my last week, maybe I’ve been a bit hard on Aria, because she has an actual plot line this week that does not involve the self-induced tragedy of dating wildly inappropriate men.
There is, however, the self-induced tragedy of this outfit, complete with a tie skirt. Why??
Ella, apparently working only a half-day at Rosewood, is off to cancel her Austrian pastry castle vacation. She says that someone named Mike wasn’t comfortable with her going away. WHO??
As punishment for confusing the viewers, a swarm of bees attacks Ella in her car while Aria looks on helplessly.
I mean, just put Spencer in pearls and Emily in flannel already. We Get It.
At The Brew, a desperate Emily chats up Spencer’s pimp for free college advice. Spencer shows up less interested in admission and more on a mission: recon at Cicero. Emily tries to legitimately ask about Cicero’s possible interest in her, which Spencer mistakes for enthusiasm for sleuthing. Spencer quickly ropes Emily into a campus visit for some scoobying.
I may or may not be the same actor who used to play Mike. Come on, you remember Mike… right???
Mike is kind of adorable and he and Aria have an awesome sibling fight about Ella going to Austria that’s totally real. The following day, a tearful Aria visits her dad’s office to beg that he tell Ella it’s ok to go. Aria’s dad is always so smug, but Aria’s tears in this scene are beautiful and heartfelt and I feel like a monster. And to Aria’s horrible father’s credit, he does encourage Ella to follow her flaky pastry dreams.
Emily, By the Way, Is Totally a Stark
At Cicero, Emily innocently asks the pimp about the sorority scholarships without realizing that he is already picturing her in Lucite heels. Spencer totally steps in it when she tells Emily to dial it down, that Brendan doesn’t need to believe that they “actually want to go to this Podunk school.”
Emily is visibly offended, but Spencer “Crazy Eyes” Hastings is on a mission and doesn’t even recognize that she’s being a jerk. Spencer’s quick exit makes it seem like Emily’s looking for some quality alone time with Brendan, who is definitely ready to make Emily his number one ho.
Hanna’s Rapidly Unraveling Life
Hanna has a nightmare that her mom is in a prison jumpsuit and has lost all her hair. It is legit horrible. Once I had a nightmare that I was a decrepit old woman and in my dream I reached into my mouth and pulled out a molar. That was horrifying also.
Later that day, she overhears her mom talking to Veronica Hastings and starts to panic for real. She also notices that Ashley’s muddy shoes are gone and decides to break into her mom’s closet to look for the shoes.
In the closet, Hanna finds a handgun wrapped in what’s is undoubtedly an expensive silk scarf inside Ashley’s purse. She calls Spencer in a panic and Spencer continues to be a totally insensitive one-track-mind friend. She is too busy finding out that the phone number goes to somewhere on Fraternity Row to hear Hanna’s genuine panic.
File Under: Worst Conversation EVER
Spencer and Emily head to Fraternity Row with two very different goals in mind: Spencer to find Ali’s board shorts, and Emily to secure a Sorority Scholarship (whatever that is). Emily tries to tell Spencer to cool it with making fun of Cicero and the sororities and to stop being crazy about The Mission.
And then Spencer becomes an even bigger jerk than ever, accusing Emily of flirting with Brendan the whole day while neglecting to mention that she’s a lesbian. Ugh, that is a low blow, Spence, and totally offensive. Should Emily introduce herself to everyone as Emily-the-lesbian? Emily then goes in for the kill, calling Spencer an entitled, spoiled brat whose bad manners are compensated only by her parents deep purses.
Then a horrible sorority song happens and even though it’s not part of the drinking game, I take a huge swig.
And… DRINK!! (Again)
New shady character introduction: Ms. Grunwald and her sorority paddle. I’m sure this will have nothing to do with the plot whatsoever…
Spencer skulks around the party showing Ali’s picture. Emily tries to make friends. Brendan finds her and totally grossly offers to get her a drink. Do all adult males in Rosewood have no boundaries whatsoever??
File Under: Worst Decision EVER
Hanna packs her mom’s gun in an overnight bag and heads to meet Spencer and Emily at the sorority party. Hanna meets Spencer in the sorority house and Spencer is understandably freaked by the fact that Hanna’s packing heat. But then she does that stupid thing they always do in movies where she tells Hanna not to move, that she’ll be “right back.” She just has to first feel every wood panel in the house for the secret spring that leads to the sorority panic bunker.
Where Is This All Going?
Sigh, I really do not know where this plot is going. I mean, Ali was 15 when she was killed, no? Who did she possibly know that was secreted away inside a sorority house? But of course, there is an unplugged phone in the bunker and when Spencer plugs it in and dials Aria. And jackpot, it’s the line Ali was obsessively calling.
While Spencer prattles on to Aria, Hanna gets fed up of frat party shenanigans and leaves the house, catching Emily’s eye as she goes. Emily follows after Hanna, while a drunken Brendan follows after Emily. Emily graciously turns Brendan down and comes out to him. She is such a star. Take that mean girl Spencer!
I Take It Back, THIS Is the Worst Decision Ever
Hanna wonders into the woods to bury the gun. Emily wanders after her, Spencer wandering after her. It’s like some horrible Sondheim musical. And it all ends with campus security (or maybe real police) putting Hanna in cuffs. OH, IT IS ON!!!
DRINK Once More with Feeling
A-spot: A clears off a dusty photo of a severe looking Ms. Grunwald.
Ok, I want to hear your craziest theories: who is Carla Grunwald and how does she relate to Ali and her 101 murderers?
About the Contributor:
Kate worships Kevin Sullivan’s adaptation of Anne of Green Gables (and has probably seen it no fewer than 100 times) but is still bitter about Anne of Green Gables: The Continuing Story and refuses to buy that one on DVD in protest of its totally inaccurate storyline. Other obsessions include bunnies (including her own, which she adopted from the bunny shelter, which is a REAL THING in Amsterdam, where she lives) and Pretty Little Liars. In her spare time she plays the clarinet and teaches math.