Before anything else, BEST NEWS WE’VE READ SINCE THE FINALE: Four year time jump after 6A! FOUR YEARS.
(Worst news: “There is always hope for #Ezria,” quoth Marlene King. Sigh.)
How’s your guys’ week been going since the overwhelming/underwhelming #BigAReveal on Tuesday? If it’s been anything like ours, it’s been just that much brighter and shinier at every reminder that Mona Vanderwaal is once more back in our lives (though, just in case the cosmic pop culture price for her return is Zayn’s near simultaneous announcement of departure from 1D, our condolences).
As always, we had an awesome time compiling these awards, remembering all the bonkers stuff that happened three months ago that we totally forgot (Aria and her rape whistle! Aria being stapled to a wall! Toby’s cop desk being set up in front of a door that opens inward! This show is so great!). And as always, we have mixed a bunch of polls in with our own dead-to-rights choices. We can’t wait to see what you all have to say (last season’s results here, btw).
BEST FORESHADOWING
Grunwald channeling Mona for Hanna in the mausoleum, describing not a shallow dirt grave somewhere in the murdercAbin forest, but ChArles’ underground dollhouse:
BEST FAKE DEATH
Mona Our Queen. The computer tower blood bank! The staged attack video! The months (days) and months (days) of meticulous planning! THE REVEAL!
BEST DANCE
Hanna forever duh
“BEST” “PARENTING”
“Best” “Parenting”
- Pam Fields teaching Emily how to bake over the phone 6.87% (9 votes)
- Wayne Fields having heart problems and promising to not leave Emily for a long time in 5A…and then just, not existing anymore 9.16% (12 votes)
- Veronica Hastings weaseling her way into Ali’s court prep in order to manipulate proceedings around Spencer (etc. etc.) 16.79% (22 votes)
- Daddy DiLaurentis super supporting his daughter by screaming blame for her predicament at the Free Liars in the middle of the courthouse hall 6.11% (8 votes)
- The Montgomerys. Full-stop. Where even is “Syracuse” anyway? 29.01% (38 votes)
- Ezra, acting as de facto Montgomery parent and talking Mike through his loss of Mona/talking Aria through their own pre-breakup 14.5% (19 votes)
- Ashley Marin 17.56% (23 votes)
BEST PARENTING
Ashley Freakin’ Marin!
Honorable Mentions to Coffee-Loving Pastor Ted for not batting a damn eyelid when dumped straight into the morAss of Hanna’s life, and to Mama Vanderwaal for respecting Ali’s show of respect for Mona, respecting it so hard.
BEST SIBLING-ING
Aria sitting down and letting Mike finally open up about Mona after Mona’s memorial service.
WORST SIBLING-ING
WORST SIBLING-ING (Poll Closed)
- Jason ignoring Ali’s calls from prison 4.58% (6 votes)
- Jason blaming Spencer for everything bad to ever happen to him and Ali 32.82% (43 votes)
- Melissa trapping Spencer in an apartment alone with a complete stranger of a handsy grown man 27.48% (36 votes)
- Melissa trapping Spencer on the wrong side of the Atlantic as part of a Hastings Elders Know Best scheme 12.21% (16 votes)
- ChArles 22.9% (30 votes)
**Honorable Hypothetical Mention to Andrew Campbell for half-incesting with Spencer in 4B, if it turns out he really is a secret twin of Jason.
So we guess that brings us to…
ROSEWOOD’S UNLUCKIEST SIBLING
Spencer Hastings! And her boyfriend was sexually assaulted and emotionally tortured by his step-sister for more than a year, so, you know, that’s a pretty high bar to leap.
BEST TWINS
Best Twins (Poll Closed)
- Jason + Charles 12.71% (15 votes)
- Ali + Monalison 27.97% (33 votes)
- Ali + Cece 5.93% (7 votes)
- Cindy + Mindy 5.93% (7 votes)
- Any 2 generic white boys, we can’t tell the difference anyway! 47.46% (56 votes)
BEST DILAURENTIS CREEP
ChArles at the prom, OBVIOUSLY
BEST SIGNIFICANT OTHER
DUH, Caleb. #Caleveryone
WORST POLICE WORK
Holbrook Hobo Santa. UGH.
BEST POLICE WORK
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAAHAHAH
BEST #LIARSARETRAPPED
Best #LiarsAreTrapped (Poll Closed)
- Spencer letting Caleb get himself locked inside the high school’s completely reasonable walk-in kiln 12.4% (16 votes)
- Spencer and Aria getting themselves locked inside Boo-Boo’s freezer literally ONE EPISODE LATER 20.16% (26 votes)
- The Liars waking up in the dollhouse. 17.83% (23 votes)
- The Liars + Mona breaking free from the dollhouse only to find themselves trapped inside an electric fence in the middle of Pennsylvania’s largest and most isolated nature preserve. 49.61% (64 votes)
CREEPIEST ‘A’ MOVE
Creepiest ‘A’ Move (Poll Closed)
- Deer guts in Hanna’s stuffed Ballard Bulldog 18.82% (16 votes)
- Burn unit mummy 23.53% (20 votes)
- Mike’s metaphorical tongue in a box on the porch 3.53% (3 votes)
- MonAlison (and the chimes) (and the gas mask) (and the cameras) 37.65% (32 votes)
- HELL PROM 16.47% (14 votes)
BEST IRL ‘A’ MOVE BY ROSEMARY’S HUSBAND AARON, SURPRISE PLL EXPERT AND SCARILY GOOD ‘A’ MOVE-INVENTOR AND OWNER OF REAL FIRST NAME ‘CHARLES’. SIDEBAR: IS AARON ‘A’?
MOST ARIA MOMENT
Most Aria Moment (Poll Closed)
- “Ezra let’s break up, Ezra kidnap my little brother. Ezra, when you say you aren’t sure are you referring to our no longer existent relationship or the favor I just asked of you?” 24.24% (32 votes)
- “Caleb, stop trying to break into Mona’s really important state secret laptop so you can teach me how to hack into the colleges who for some insane reason rejected my cobweb haiku personal essays.” 18.94% (25 votes)
- “Sorry guys I accidentally let A staple me to a wall and steal Mona’s really important state secret laptop.” 18.18% (24 votes)
- “Why yes this IS a taxidermied baby panda head pinned to my lapel!” 11.36% (15 votes)
- “Aria, can I tal—” ****RAPE WHISTLE**** 20.45% (27 votes)
- “Let’s split up and search guys. It’s the Liar way.” 6.82% (9 votes)
MOST EMILY MOMENT
Most Emily Moment (Poll Closed)
- Whacking the living shit out of Boo-Boo’s frozen nitrogen freezer to free the Dummies Sparia 12.2% (15 votes)
- Standing up for Hanna to her CeCe-lite pageant judge/promising to do the pageant in Hanna’s place to help her get the money for college, and screw A if they try to go after her for it! 61.79% (76 votes)
- Being too compassionate for her own good re: Talia’s adult issues/identity crisis that she had no right roping Emily into. 13.01% (16 votes)
- Standing up to Talia for roping her into her own identity crisis for which Emily had neither time nor obligation. 13% (16 votes)
MOST HANNA MOMENT
Most Hanna Moment (Poll Closed)
- “In Rosewood, bitches get buried,” said to a group of ten-year-olds while wearing an elf suit 42.64% (55 votes)
- “I eat a lot of fiber,” as response to Grunwald’s comment about Rosewood’s psychic constipation 9.3% (12 votes)
- Whacking Holbrook across the face with a tire iron 32.56% (42 votes)
- Looking out for Ashley and Caleb EVEN THOUGH SHE IS IN JAIL 14.73% (19 votes)
- Other: 0.77% (1 votes)
MOST SPENCER MOMENT
Most Spencer Moment (Poll Closed)
- “You don’t want to live in my backyard because someone was BURIED IN IT. Excuse me.” 15.87% (20 votes)
- Recognizing morse code on a random necklace. 21.43% (27 votes)
- Knowing how to pick a lock and steal a painting better than Jonny, and totally looking down on him for it 15.08% (19 votes)
- “I don’t like Shakespeare. I love Shakespeare.” 7.94% (10 votes)
- “I’m a person who really likes certainty” 3.17% (4 votes)
- Having the schematics to a handheld EMP just waiting in her brain/dream decoding anagrams 36.51% (46 votes)
HANNA’S BEST FOOD MOMENT
MOST LIKELY TO APPEAR IN AEROPOSTALE’S SPRING PLL COLLECTION
Most Likely to Appear in Aeropostale’s Spring PLL Collection (AKA, Best “This is me, bitches” Costuming) (Poll Closed)
- Aria’s Breakfast At Tiffany’s Harness 15.38% (18 votes)
- Spencer’s Gryffindor London Travel outfit 25.64% (30 votes)
- Hanna’s white ripped skinny jeans and suede booties that fell victim to the guts-filled Ballard Bulldog (RIP Hanna’s pedicure) 15.38% (18 votes)
- Emily’s Gift-From-My-Girlfriend-Talk-Shit-and-I’ll-Cut-You ripped t-shirt 11.11% (13 votes)
- Ali’s cold hard (naked) stare into the prison shower mirror 8.55% (10 votes)
- Mona’s Glam Ghost 23.93% (28 votes)
BEST LIAR FRIENDSHIP MOMENT
Jailbus I Love Yous, easily.
BEST GROUP WHIRLAROUND
Best Synchronized Whirlaround (Poll Closed)
- 5.17 “The Bin of Sin” 30.7% (35 votes)
- 5.19 “Out, Damned Spot” 68.42% (78 votes)
- 5.23 “The Melody Lingers On”, when they hear Edith Piaf outside Mona’s house (I think it’s only 3 liars) 0.88% (1 votes)
THAT’S ALI, FOLKS
This season finally, finally made us feel a liiiiiittle bit bad for Alison. We’re now willing to entertain the idea that maybe she’s not lying about everything, after all. But we will never back down on the position that she will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get what she wants. Including placing a red-hot iron on her own skin. And slamming Hanna’s hand in a dryer door.
THAT’S MONA, FOLKS
SHE’S ALIVE, BITCHES
MOST LIKELY TO BE A/CHARLES
Most Likely to be A/Charles (Poll Closed)
- Andrew Campbell. C’mon! It’s just TOO OBVIOUS! 12.4% (15 votes)
- Jason DiLaurentis, who still can’t believe that not ONE SINGLE DUMMY in ALL OF ROSEWOOD noticed when he came back to town with an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT HEAD two years ago. 22.31% (27 votes)
- Holbrook. Creepy. Male. About the right age. All that bumbling around, failing at solving any crimes could be a front. And anyway, who *else* would know exactly where to find the hidden stash of caramels in G. Holbrook’s desk while perpetrating A-shenanigans with G. Holbrook’s login info? 5.79% (7 votes)
- “Dr” Wren Kingston, notably last seen discussing Mona’s confidential psych patient information with a stranger on the phone while coloring the coat on her line drawing in red, and just as notably last NOT seen in London in the flat he ALLEGEDLY shares with Melissa and English NPH. Although Catie’s theory of a neglected child who just aspires (to extremes) to be a DiLaurentis would have to be real for this option to escape the severe concomitant incestuous squickiness that would come from Wren’s significant relationships with both of Jason DiLaurentis’ half-sisters. 21.49% (26 votes)
- Holden. You guys. It can’t be a coincidence that he started showing up in all those Verizon Edge commercials just as the #WhoIsA countdowns started, smug as shit over his kevlar connectivity. THE TRUTH HAS BEEN STARING AT US THE WHOLE TIME. 0.83% (1 votes)
- English NPH. Blonde and charming and just radiating “better-than-you” vibes? That’s a secret DiLaurentis if we ever saw one. 1.65% (2 votes)
- Ezra “We can dream, right?” Fitzgerald. 14.05% (17 votes)
- Lucas. 3.31% (4 votes)
- (I’ve given up guessing at this point. My sanity thanks me.) 17.36% (21 votes)
- Mrs. D twin 0.81% (1 votes)
LEAST LIKELY TO BE A/CHARLES
Least Likely to be A/Charles (Poll Closed)
- Andrew Campbell. C’mon. It’s just TOO OBVIOUS. 34.23% (38 votes)
- Lucas. He just doesn’t have the DiLaurentis disregard for all other human life. 10.81% (12 votes)
- Jonny F*cking Raymond. None of those dollhouse rooms were decorated in compost paint or organized according to the precepts Icelandic feng shui. Plus the dude’s never met a fence he didn’t immediately burn down. 17.12% (19 votes)
- Pepe the dog. Though he was an abandoned and forgotten member of the DiLaurentis family, we figure A probably has opposable thumbs. (Probably) 34.23% (38 votes)
- Ezra “There’s always hope for #Ezria!” Fitzgerald. 3.6% (4 votes)
SEASON LVP
Aria.
She let A walk her right into the stupidest of lie-traps by spiraling about college rejections and manipulatively writing a last minute application letter to Ezra’s vindictive ex! She let Mona’s very important encrypted laptop get stolen by A TWO MINUTES after she took possession of it! She missed a Breakfast At Tiffany’s reference that HANNA had to pick up for her.
SEASON MIVP (MOST IMPROVED)
Aria!
She was pretty damn industrious whenever Ezra wasn’t around fogging up her thinking space. Getting Mike’s story; burn unit; not leaving Mona’s trashed room. Good job, Montgomery!
SEASON MVP
Hanna.
No doubt. Even incarcerated for a significant percentage of the season, she STILL managed to kick more ass, take more names, and get more real, useful sleuthing done (without cancelling it all out by Ezra-fogged idiocy) than the rest of the Liars combined, and all in her newly professional goth wardrobe!
Also? She has NEVER ONCE gotten herself locked into an electronically-operated extreme temperature room of ANY KIND. NEVER ONCE. Not even Caleb Rivers, Best Person, can claim that victory.
5B HIATUS READ/WATCH/LISTEN LIST*
Literature
“Sweetest Fanny,”John Keats(Mona’s tomb inscription, 5.14)
The Collected Works of Edgar Allen Poe, notably “Bridal Ballad” (Lesli Stone’s safety blanket/Hanna’s sleepover flashbacks, 5.18)
Epic of Gilgamesh (Jonny calling Ali “Gilgamesh in high heels,” 5.18)
Bhagavad Gita (Spencer retorting that Ali is “more like Vishnu,” also 5.18)
Macbeth (Episode title 5.19, and murders and ghosts driving schemers crazy)
Pygmalion, George Bernard Shaw (origin of 5.24 episode title, “I’m a Good Girl, I Am!” Alexis favorite line from the cliffsnotes analysis: “Yet, in spite of Shaw’s own pronouncements and in spite of all the evidence in the play, readers and audiences still continue to sentimentalize over the outcome of the play and refuse to recognize the anti-romantic aspect of the drama.” PLL IN A NUTSHELL)
Goodnight, Moon (The book Jessica read to Baby!Ali that A has been using lines to torture her with since Jessica’s murder, as explained in 5.23)
Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Truman Capote (Ali’s fake passport/”Varjak” reference from Cyrus in 5.21 and 5.22)
Hamlet (Pun reference for 5.22 ep title “To Plea or Not to Plea”/modern play English NPH takes Spencer to in London that makes her wonder if revenge stories ever work out for people who escape/Ella’s suggestion for source material for Aria’s senior quote in 5.24)
Frankenstein (Aria’s retort for better source material for her senior quote in 5.24—which is true not just because of the monster-made-by-society themes, but also for it being the invention of an entirely new genre of story, done by a TEENAGE GIRL)
Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov (because EZRA but also because it is a really fantastic book and relates a lot more to the questions of subjectivity and mental illness in PLL than it does as the easy pedo-joke all us recappers/American society makes it out to be.)
Film
Rear Window (1954) (Toby and his camera in 5.13)
Through a Glass, Darkly (1961) (Episode title, 5.14)
Them! (1954) (Mona’s movie list for Mike, 5.18)
Breakfast at Tiffany’s (Ali’s fake passport/”Varjak” reference from Cyrus in 5.21 and 5.22)
All The President’s Men (1976) (Andrew’s movie date suggestion for Aria in 5.22)
My Fair Lady (1964) (film update of Pygmalion, origin of 5.24’s title)
Music
Gene Austin, “Bye Bye Blackbird” (origin of “Oh, What Hard Luck Stories They Hand Me”)
Natasha Bedingfield, “Unwritten” (5.25 HELL PROM music)
Edith Piaf, “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien” (from CeCe leaving as Holly Varjak in 5.01/Mona listening to vinyl throughout season 5/VarjAk trolling the girls in 5.23 and 5.24)
Irving Berlin, “The Song is Ended (But the Melody Lingers On)” (5.23 episode title)
*we know there are many more we missed, but this should give you all plenty to start with
Until summer, then, liars…
WE WILL MISS YOU
Kisses,
A(lexis, Catie & Rosemary)
About the Contributor:
Catie grew up in Denver, Colorado, where she often stayed up past her bedtime reading with a flashlight and once sent homemade Hogwarts acceptance letters to her friends. Now an adult, she still loves books and TV meant for teens, but is grateful to no longer have a bedtime.
