Welcome back to the future, liars! We may not have hoverboards or miniature, microwave-expandable pizzas (Hanna so wishes), but we do have a Marty McFly’s share of disorientation. And you know what? It’s so great! Throwing these people (who through trial and tribulation came to know each other so well) so far into a future in which they have been long separate from each other’s daily, immediate support but NOT from their memories and trauma is VERY INTERESTING. We know well how much deeper and more intimate a friendship can be than any romantic relationship, but not since season 1 have we had a chance to explore the frustrating lack of any clear official markers for the boundaries or expectations of frienship at a remove. Who is responsbile for whose feelings? How much can we demand of friends without sounding needy? What do we say when time has made old patterns of support seem immature? What self-loving Marin woman doesn’t carry around her own corkscrew??? Truly, PLL #5YearsForward is answering the questions of our age, and we are so here for it.
AWARDS
BIGGEST #5YEARSFORWARD SHOCK/BEST SURPRISE
CALEB AND SPENCER HAD A VERY ROMANTIC SURPRISE LIAISON IN MADRID THREE YEARS AGO AND SPEND A TON OF TIME TOGETHER NOW IT’S ALL OUR UNCONSCIOUS FANFIC DREAMS COME SO SUDDENLY TRUE.
Runner-up: the actual words, “You’re not a liability, you’re my daughter!” coming out of Veronica Hastings’ mouth (Yes, Spence, we’d be worried about what she was plotting if we heard that, too). Have we all slipped into the Alternate Berenstain Timeline?
BIGGEST #5YEARSFORWARD NO-DUH
Okay, hear us out on this one but: the continuity to the “Ali’s gone genuinely Christian” bit of character development that had been worked into the end of 6A. The Christian turn kind of made sense for Ali #5YearsBack, in that it offered a fresh community as well as a predetermined narrative she could relax into after so many years of fighting so damn hard to basically not exist, but even more of a no-duh is the fact that she is STILL practicing Christianity, because committing to unshakeable convictions and forcing that reality on everyone around her is SO ALI. The only thing MORE predictable about this development, really, is the fact that Ali used her willed commitment to faith and forgiveness as a weapon against her friends. All hail the queen of weaponized cognitive dissonance! Amen!
Runner-up: Ezra’s vicarious man pain is still more important and raw and deep than the pain of any of the actual abused or kidnapped women whose experiences he’s cribbing (get it? because his girlfriends are in cribs? because they’re babies?).
Runner-runner-up: it is still *always* uhhh half past I’M HUNGRY?? time in Hanna’s world. Her new fiancé knows the best way to her calm place is through food, and the one thing she kept from her relationship with Caleb was their dining table. That’s our girl!
MOST UPVOTED NEW COMMENT ON TRIPADVISOR: ROSEWOOD
The welcome packet we got from town hall was so helpful! We’re especially excited about the location of our complimentary cemetery plot. You would think that in a town this old, all the best plots would have been taken long ago, but the city planners have thought SOOOOO far ahead! So many beautiful spots left, in case any of you out there are looking for that final reason to make the move! –Sara H. September 12 2016
MOST LIT ALLUSION
Ali didn’t step foot in her classroom this week (old habits die hard), Ezra’s book is completely fake, and neither Caleb nor Spencer managed to stop flirting long enough to make even ONE “don’t let’s” Hemingway reference while expositing about their romantic week together in Madrid. So by default, our brand new award this week goes to E.B. White’s classic (and misleadingly apt episode title inspo), Charlotte’s Web.
Okay, not ONLY by default does this allusion take the prize. The webs of our youth never really let us go; they wrap themselves around our brains and emotional cores and linger long after the original web-weaver—be it a friendship gone bad, a genius barnyard spider, or a dangerously constructed emotional, physical, and cyber terrorist—is gone. So it never mattered for our favorite four strong-as-hell females that their serial abuser and kidnapper was locked away for five years, and it doesn’t matter now that she is (presumably) dead, dead, dead. Our Liars, grown now and with hundreds of new experiences and relationships tucked firmly under their wine-guzzling adult belts, are still all wrapped up in the silk fetters Charlotte DiLaurentis wove to bind them together while simultaneously tearing them apart. This many years later, they can still barely trust their own perception of and reaction to reality—is it any wonder that, struck once again in their most tender spots, they are lashing out at each other?
Anyway, web-weavers of Charlotte’s ilk ALSO teach us new words and idioms. It’s Stockholm Syndrome, Han!
THAT’S SO FREEFORM
New slanty and V MODERN, Sherlock-y on-screen text alerts!
But even more basic, the fact that barely two weeks in, FREEFORM sounds totally normal and…good? Now? Somehow? Oh god are we Becomers(TM) after all????
PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
Ali brought her Liars back to town for Charlotte’s psychiatric release hearing/several weeks of heavy exposition to catch us all up with the past five years. To wit: Spencer’s got a (mysteriously) hotshot lobbyist career on K Street, and also bangs; Emily’s having a (mysteriously) hard time which includes (mysteriously) secret pills and a (mysteriously) incomplete college degree; Hanna and Caleb (mysteriously) broke up, which left Hanna to find a (mysterious) rich new fiancé and Caleb to find (dare we jinx it) SPENCER; Ali continued to be underwritten and toothless, yet still somehow convincing enough to get most of her Liars to pretend publicly that they are totally over every literally horrific thing Charlotte Dilaurentis ever did to them. MOST, because it turns out ALL the Liars aren’t Ali’s after all! Say what we will about her interminable Ezra-shaped blindspot, but Aria Montgomery is strong as hell. Yes! Aria was the only one of our Liars brave enough to admit to Ali’s pocket judge that she could never feel safe with Charlotte free! Amazing job, Aria!
Buuuuuuuuuut the Rosewood criminal justice system let Charlotte out anyway. And after a night of too-strong sacred witch cocktails at the recently renovated luxe Hotel Radley, the Liars woke up to find that she had been murdered on her first night out. Welcome home, girls! Bet you missed this place.
THIS WEEK
Aprés Mort
Still in their newest (and best yet) funeral weeds, the Liars decamp straight from Charlotte’s funeral to the Hotel Radley cocktail lounge. “This TOWN!!!” they all groan, before getting back to catching up on each other’s love lives. Namely, at what point in a relationship have they come clean to their respective New Boos about their time Acting Normal, Bitch in high school? Like, is that a talk that comes before or after I love you; let’s move in? How much ski-trampled background reading have they handed over at those junctures? Which exact Website Page links?
Hanna told Jordan about A when she knew she “was falling in love with him,” a fact she declares with a disconcerting note of aggression. “Huh, crazy, cool, k, well, I’m totally not there yet with Liam,” Aria says in response, “and also g2g, leaving town early now, work is the worst, being an adult is hard, too bad I guess about this newest murder investigation??, good luck with Ali or whatever, k, byeeeeeee!”
Aria’s all ready to take off and leave her (rightfully) shocked friends behind to weather the Ali-Lorenzo one-two punch without her, but her exit is interrupted by the appearance of a wild begloved and frighteningly sleek-looking Shower Harvey at the checkout desk. She is with her man friend from the funeral, who apparently has to sign her paperwork for her in addition to leading her by the elbow down perfectly clear church aisles.
She can’t even sign her own name? we ask ourselves, eyes rolling out of our skulls. “She can’t even sign her own name??” the Liars ask each other, eyes rolling out of their skulls. “Apparently she told the court she has Swedish syndrome or whatever,” Hanna snipes, “that’s why they let her off the criminal hook.” “Stockholm,” Spencer corrects, “and honestly, that would be motive enough for her to have murdered Charlotte.” Sure, we guess. Though what either of those things have to do with the Sara’s ability to hold a pen or walk a straight line, we don’t have a clue.
“Right! So, I’m off!” Aria repeats. “And remember: we were all together in Hanna’s hotel room, snuggled together on the one tiny couch like a pile of drunk puppies all night, all together, all night! See ya never!” The rest of the girls get up to retire to their murder rooms or backyard barns or wherever, but Aria still isn’t free, as Hanna follows her to confront her littlest (but mightiest) friend with the fact that she saw Aria get up and leave the room in the middle of the night. “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” Aria says, “you were too drunk, I guess, silly! Didn’t you throw up in the bathtub? That wasn’t me leaving! Ha! Ha!”
Aria! Don’t you know the first rule of ACT NORMAL BITCH Club? It’s never ever ever question your fellow Liar’s memory or perception of reality. Don’t gaslight your friends! “Um, that was EMILY,” Hanna bites back, her tone screaming bitch loud enough for Radley’s basement ghosts to hear. Aria gulps at this, but still won’t admit to going anywhere other than her car to retrieve something she forgot before hightailing it back to Boston. Neither one of them thinks to worry about the fact that the only true thing they agreed on all night was that Emily threw up in a bathtub. Hope that doesn’t come back to bite them!
In any case, already the most exhausting thing about #5YearsForward is that “We were blackout drunk” is going to be a legitimate excuse for plotholes from now on.
Don’t Fear the Blogger
At Spencer’s house/the Veronica Hastings campaign war room, Caleb is once again hunched over a keyboard hacking cyberspace to solve everyone’s problems. He’s noticed that some bloggers (ahem) have gotten hold of the Charlotte story and are accusing Spencer et al of the crime on their Website Pages. Do we think reporters have a google news alert for Rosewood, PA, or would the high volume of murders desensitize the system? In any case, he’s shown the posts to Veronica, worried that they will hurt her campaign, but she’s like, “Don’t worry, no one in Rosewood reads the INTERNET,” with such disdain that we can’t help but read it as a personal attack on us, the Internet.
…did they just call us out
Spencer hastily backs out of Veronica’s interview she was supposed to participate in the next day, and Veronica leaves to go see if anyone in town owns a computer or not. Caleb promises Spencer he’ll solve this the way all snake person problems are solved: with retweets. Spencer thanks him, he puts a hand on her arm, their stares linger a little longer than necessary. “I’m glad you’re here,” she tells him. Our collective hearts flutter.
Rosewood’s Most Wanted
At the RPD Big Top police station, Ali, waiting for Lorenzo to come update her on her sister’s case, spies a blurry Officer Barry (head down, ol’ buddy! keep on keeping on!) leading Shower Harvey out of an interrogation room. Sara is sporting a new, super-gelled hairdo that makes it look like she’s perpetually in a state of having just showered. Or maybe that’s not gel and she IS perpetually in a state of having just showered. She floats out the door before we or Ali can take a closer examination, unfortunately. Double unfortunately for Ali, she is floating out the door to freedom. Yes, as Chief Superintendent Detective Inspector Gadget Lorenzo comes to inform her, Sara is officially off the suspect list.
“Not to put too grim a point on it, but your sister was killed violently and with great effort, like, her neck was broken and THEN she was thrown from the bell tower! Like, CRAZY, right??” Lorenzo gently explains. And those aren’t things Sara’s physically capable of anymore, because of how her hands are burned all over, presumably from a too-hot shower. We don’t know if the RPD has noticed, but Sara is followed everywhere by a coterie of generic hot men who perform all tasks for her, and we’re not sure why that couldn’t include murder as well as the regular stuff, like showering and skulking around graveyards. But nope! RPD attention has moved on to greener, more Liar-shaped pastures now, looking directly at Charlotte’s main targets as the newest suspects.
Alison balks at this, exclaiming to Lorenzo that there’s no way her friends would do something like this—she KNOWS them. She knows them so hard. She knows them like no one else knows them! This is true; no one else knows them as incompletely or imaginarily as Ali knows them these days. Regardless, she has a point: if the girls are suspects this early, there is exactly zero percent chance a one of them is guilty.
…just to be safe, though, she decides to host a dinner/interrogation party with her old best friend and that friend’s fiancé and also that friend’s ex-boyfriend and also that ex-boyfriend’s new love interest who also happens to be another best friend. And Emily. This should go well!
Sick, Sulk, Salk
At Casa Fields, Emily’s on the phone making a Foreshadowing Medical Appointment for early the next morning. Pam interrupts her to bug her again about visiting her dad’s grave, but Em’s still not ready to deal with all that, so she takes a page from the memoirs of Sara Harvey and excuses herself to shower.
The next morning, Em’s getting blood drawn at the Hollis Medical Center and expositing her life in a suspiciously silver-lined way to the nurse: she still has a few classes to finish at Pepperdine, but she’s living in San Diego for work. The nurse is concerned about why she’s planning to undergo her mystery “Treatment” here in Rosewood, where lone doctor Wren is just as likely to poison your muscle cream as lock you into a mental asylum forever. Also, travel is hard on the body. Emily just wants Treatment to work. We obviously wonder what Emily’s sick with, but tbh, she’s probably just sick of the way they’ve been treating queer women on PLL since day one, and we can’t fault her for that one.
Outside the med center, Emily’s trying to pay for parking but her card keeps getting declined (maybe because she is PUTTING IT IN UPSIDE DOWN). Sabrina Magic Cookies pops up from nowhere (does some sort of lesbian bat signal go out when Em’s back in town?) and swipes her card for Emily instead, smiling helpfully, but Em—clearly uncomfortable—thanks her and splits.
Emily has to cover her lie bases, though, so she heads back to the Brewstore later to corner Sabrina (now the manager, ever since Ezra caught Sad White Boy Sweatpants Syndrome) and ask her not to tell anyone she was at the hospital. “Not my mom, not my friends,” she says, although Sabrina is like “Well I wasn’t going to tell them before but NOW I kind of want to.” JK, she just leans in toward Emily and says kindly that she had cancer back in the day—she didn’t want anyone to know, but realized the hard way she needed support. Emily insists she is fine, though. No mysterious terminal illness here, no ma’am! That’d be crazy! Lesbians live long, healthy lives in Rosewood! She has precisely zero to be concerned about!!
Hanna goes into her room and who’s there? Why, it’s Generic White Boy #153292—and he’s a bellhop. But then Generic White Boy #153293 appears, this time with an Aussie accent, and look! It’s her not-Caleb fiancé! Jordan, we finally meet!
…we’re not super impressed, tbh. He’s Abercrombie hot, like all the boys in Rosewood’s GWB Purgatory, a place Jordan will no doubt find himself sooner or later. He also looks about forty years old. To his credit, however, he did bring champagne and all of Hanna’s favorite foods from her fave NYC restaurants, so we won’t hate on him too much. At least he’s a monied GWB. Speaking of which! He tells Hanna they got his uncle’s Hamptons estate for the wedding! Hanna’s a little too freaked out about the rerun of a Rosewood shit show that’s happening in her life r/n for this news to make much of an impact, bu Jordan reassures her that it’ll all blow over once she talks to the cops. HA. HA HA. Oh Jordan. You have so much to learn. At least you brought a cupcake.
*this is a legit nightmare that kept at least one of your recappers up too late the night she first heard about it. Never go to Australia! Death awaits! Winged death!
Ezra Sucks
Meanwhile, Aria visits Ezra, who doesn’t have cupcakes or champagne or even a single real page of the real manuscript he promised her employer for her, because he sucks. The last time Ezra looked this sad and sweatpants-y, he had just been shot. Remember that? We do, fondly. Anyway, Aria doesn’t go into his apartment, but instead whispers, “That night at the hotel? We didn’t see each other, you didn’t call me, I didn’t leave the hotel. UNDERSTOOD?” Ezra is too sad being the only person on earth to ever lose a loved one to really care much. “Yeah fine whatever where’s my scotch?” He shuffles away. She flies to Boston.
Back at work, Aria shade-buttons a call from Alison. In the cubicle next to her? Why, it’s GWB #153294 (non-Rosewood variant)! This one (Liam, presumably) is cute and nerdy in a public radio, I drink exclusively from heifer.org mugs way (this is not a joke, he really does). When everyone leaves for a meeting, they grab each other and kiss when no one’s looking. Because heaven forbid Aria date a guy she’s actually allowed to date. At least he’s not 50? Probably?
In the meeting, Aria’s boss is pissed that Ezra’s thinking about giving the advance back, because apparently Ezra is an amazing writer and this publishing company’s entire purpose and revenue plan is based around hearing more of his sad white boy thoughts. We wonder if this publishing company has gotten our most recent memo. “ATTN: Ezra Sucks.” Guess not? We’ll have to courier parrot it over. Tippi! We’ve got another job for you!
Anyway, Boss Lady wants to know why Aria wasn’t able to get the first draft: “Didn’t you have some sort of relationship with him?” Yes! She did! A legal, work appropriate relationship? Oh…No. So Aria is stuck trying to imbue “he was my high school English teacher” with enough pomp and feeeeeling to convince a high-powered editor that that’s worth a damn thing. Her boss thinks that maybe Fitz isn’t taking her seriously because she was just his student and gives the assignment over to Aria’s secret LitBro boyfriend. AWKWARD.
Of course, Aria assumes the boss knows about her relationship with Liam and is pitting them against each other (maybe!), and swears to Liam that she’ll get the draft from Ezra. “I can get through to him better than anyone else,” she explains as Liam sips from his heifer.org mug, nodding supportively. EW EW EW EW.
#SpalebForever**
Meanwhile, Hastings and Rivers, Private Eyes are at it again: detecting, and also making private eyes at each other, if you catch our drift. Spencer shows him a paper she wrote for Criminology (of course Spencer took criminology) sophomore year that describes a murder in which the victim was killed exactly the way Charlotte was killed. Caleb tries to tell her it’s a coincidence and she’s being paranoid, but like, what else is new? And anyway, in Rosewood it’s the paranoid that stay alive.
**Sorry guys. Although historically opposed to portmanteau couple names, we’re really Leaning In on this one.
Where’s the Booze, Oh God, Where’s the Booze
On the way to Ali’s for dinner, Jordan asks Hanna what she’s nervous about: hanging out with Ali, or introducing him to Caleb? In response, Hanna turns on the spot and LO, A WINE STORE HATH APPEARED IN ROSEWOOD. Being FreeForm 21 is fun!
All the Liars except for Aria gather at Alison’s and make small talk while the Men of Hanna’s Past and Present challenge each other to Manly Feats of Strength and Table-Assembling. Across the room, Emily explains to Hanna that she’s going to stay in Rosewood awhile—her, uh, work won’t mind. Hanna asks what she does there and Emily just lists a bunch of diseases, as if she googled the Salk Institute once.
The girls express sympathy to Ali, who explains that she IS holding up after Charlotte’s death, but it would be nice if everyone were here, you know? And not only is Aria not there, but she’s not returning her calls! Ali’s clearly pissed—like pissed in a way we haven’t seen in awhile. Pissed like she’s about to DiLaurentis these bitches for messing with her sister. We missed you, Sociopath Alison! We hope you’re really back to stay.
Meanwhile, the Table Assembly Coalition (Caleb and Jordan) is fracturing under internal stress/awkwardness, so Spencer swoops in to save the day, sending Caleb off to the pantry to find wine glasses. Jordan asks how often Spencer sees Caleb in DC, and Spencer explains that they basically hang out all the time, and then, we swear to god, starts telling that story that Joey on Friends uses to get girls to sleep with him. Apparently they ran into each other in Madrid—she was finishing up her year studying abroad, he was backpacking—and as she’s getting onto the train one day, she hears someone call her name. When she turns, there’s her old friend Caleb, standing across the platform. The movie practically writes itself!
Caleb, on his wine glass quest, runs into Hanna in the pantry, where she’s on a similar search for a bottle opener. They join forces to combat the way Ali de-booze-ified the place in preparation for Charlotte’s arrival and sift through assorted storage boxes while chatting. They seem honestly glad to see each other, and he’s truly happy for her and glad to see her happy. When Caleb left for Europe, Hanna wanted to focus on her career—she wasn’t looking for a relationship. But she’s happy now, and they are being very sweet and mature about the whole thing, and we will always love Hanna and Caleb together, but this ending is perfectly satisfactory for us. Life is long! Relationships grow and fizzle! Things change! Rivers and Hastings, Private Investigators looms!
Wine glasses and bottle opener procured, booze poured and liberally imbibed, the gang gathers around the table. Ali gets a call from Lorenzo, alerting her that Charlotte’s time of death was 4am. Then, in the most uncomfortable moment in a show made up of uncomfortable moments, Ali asks them to take hands and pray. Hanna can’t compute. “Dearest father, son and Holy Mona…” Ali prays, “Lead us to whoever it was that killed Charlotte, and make sure that he—or she—burns in a fiery hellscape of chickpeas and porcelain masks. Amen.” Then she looks hard and long at the girls around the table. Only Ali would turn a prayer into a threat. It is fantastic.
After dinner, Hanna and Spencer duck into the Pantry of Secrets, where Hanna tells Spencer that Aria left the hotel the night of the murder. “Honestly, how did you not notice? The two of you were literally cozied on top of each other on the world’s smallest couch all night,” Hanna does not exactly ask but SHOULD. She explains that she tried to get info about where Aria went, but Aria wouldn’t budge. They need to make sure Aria came back before Charlotte died. “Um hello, where were you from 2009-2012? Your mom’s the manager—put on your detective underwear and get the security footage, you freaking newb,” Spencer does not exactly say but SHOULD. And like that, they are off a-detectin’!
Emily: Still Maybe Dying, Just Like All Of Her Girlfriends Except Paige, Although We Haven’t Seen Her In Awhile Either…
The next day Emily and Pam are having coffee at Brewmaggedon. Attempts at bonding are stymied when Em’s phone blows up with an alert for another appointment at Hollis Hospital. She piles onto the heaping heap of lies, and says it’s an interview for…grad school. Pam’s so pumped and it’s so sad. “Use your dead dad’s money to pay for it! He’d be so proud of you and those hypodermic needles in your purse!” Don’t worry, Pam, Emily definitely still has all of that money and definitely didn’t spend it already trying to keep her life afloat.
Ezra: Still the Worst
While Pam is gushing, Emily sees Aria come in and sneak up to Ezra’s apartment. Did she just get right BACK on a plane and fly back?? Upstairs, Ezra “Bad Things Only Happen To Me” Fitz is looking more and more like a sexual predator every day (a feat we previously would have declared impossible), and his apartment is almost as disgusting as his taste in vulnerable girls. Aria steps over forty pizza boxes and into the living room, explaining that she’s got to get that book—her boss is insisting. They won’t take back the advance and they were so obsessed with Opéra Bouffe that they just can’t rest until his fevered literary mind pens another illustrious tome. He gives her a flash drive of what he’s written for book two, but Aria has more questions: “That night after we didn’t see each other… I went back to the mental hospital hotel. Where’d you go?” “I went home, Aria. I went home.” He takes a swig of scotch and scowls.
Just Make Out Already
Back at the Hastings’ barn, Spencer helps Caleb make up the couch and they reminisce about their very romantic European adventures, hardly believing it’s been three years. They’re very cute!!!! Caleb tells the story about how he snuck them into a park with sangria, and they watched the most beautiful sunrise of all time. It was his best night in Europe. And hers too, hands down. They wuvvv each ovvver, and it’s so cute we’ll even forgive them for the kind of world nomads’ conversation that is almost always insufferable from anyone else’s mouths. And BTW, Spence! Veronica has asked Caleb to stay and help with the campaign, so he’s moved in for the duration. They stare heart eyes at each other until they’re interrupted with a text from Hanna.
Girls be Detecting
Emily and Spencer meet Hanna at the hotel, to watch footage from the security cams. They see Aria meet Ezra in the lobby around 3 AM and put a hand on his chest. That is… not her phone charger. They leave together, but Aria comes back alone, at 4:28 AM—after the murder. They girls decide they have to talk to her and get the truth.
When Aria arrives home later, they’re waiting for her in the living room, intervention style. “It’s #5YearsForward. You should be totally over Ezra by now.” Just kidding—they confront her with what they saw on the cameras, and Aria recalls what happened that night. Wrong intervention, ladies! Rule 1: No Gaslighting; Rule 2: Always trust! Rule 3: Ezra is Trash. Do right by each other!
FLASHBACK!
Ezra came by the hotel (AT 3AM?) because Aria couldn’t sleep, and when she texts, he comes running (AT 3AM???). She’s ruminating on the hearing, and can’t quite believe that Charlotte was released after all. Aria wants to go somewhere, and she also wants pizza, so they walk around Rosewood’s only street for awhile (…at 3AM) while Ezra (We guess his circadian rhythms have never been the same since those many years stalking teen girls every damn night) carefully explains that in case she’s forgotten this is suburban Pennslyvania and you can’t just get a jumbo slice at 3AM. He may, however, know a person who runs a very popular bookbrew that also sells pot cookies, if she’s interested in that, but she opts to head back to the hotel, where maybe there is at least room service or something. She’s about to climb into a cab to travel the 40 feet back to Radley when they see Charlotte pull up in a luxe white SUV and enter the church, dressed in a red hoodie. Ezra gets crazy eyes and angry voice. “People like Nicole disappear and Charlotte gets to walk free.” HOW DARE PEOPLE WHO STALK AND ABUSE OTHERS WALK FREE AROUND THIS TOWN? He puts Aria in the cab and she gets out the other side and is now at back at the hotel.
Back in the present, Aria tells the Liars he says he went home afterward, but he was so angry, and the music was so dramatic. “I know him. I know Ezra can’t look me in the eye when he lies and when he told me he went home, he didn’t look at me.” Hanna wants to tell someone, but Em says MURDER is a giant leap, and bless her for still seeing the good in everyone, even if it has to be Ezra. “It’s not tho,” Spencer pipes up. “…and I think I accidentally told him how to do it.” Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN!
He was on his book tour in DC, toying around with the idea of writing a murder mystery for his second book, when they met up for lunch she told him about her Criminology essay—the one that detailed how the woman was killed. You know, the exact same way Charlotte was killed? Yeah. That essay. “Who knows what he’s capable of after Nicole.” But Hanna warns that they can’t go to the police without making Aria look guilty too, so for now, they’ll keep it secret. If nothing else, it’s good to know that LiarLogic is still alive and well, #FiveYearsForward!
In Which The Girls Deal With Their Shit, Sort Of
Spencer shows her mom the essay, warning “someone could connect the dots.” Veronica’s not worried, but Spencer thinks she could ruin Veronica’s campaign. Veronica assures her that she won’t ruin the campaign; Caleb already started the narrative about Spencer being bullied on social media. This is just further proof of that. “You’re not a liability, you’re my daughter.” This is maybe the nicest Veronica has ever been to Spencer. Are there campaign cameras watching? Are we in an alternate time stream???
That night, Emily finally visits her dad’s grave, where she haa a very moving and long expository scene. She tells him the story of her mom calling to break the news of his death, and how after that, nothing made sense. She failed classes, lost her scholarship. She couldn’t go back, and she couldn’t tell her mom the truth because her mom was such a mess herself. She’s crying and vowing to fix things when Sara Harvey appears like a recently showered wraith at the head of Charlotte’s freshly dug grave. Emily runs. Poor Em!
Meanwhile, Aria finds a laptop and opens the flash drive from Ezra. It’s just a digital version of his murdercabin stalker lair, full of pictures of Nicole and news stories about her murder/disappearance. Close ups on dead bodies, you know, that sort of thing. (Real talk: maybe the most explicitly greusome images we’ve seen so far in this show?). She gets a call from Liam but dismisses it so she can keep reading. Farewell Liam! We barely knew ye!
Back in the hotel command center, Hanna deletes the security footage of Aria. But who will delete the video of Hanna deleting the video? She joins Jordan upstairs in bed. He’s left out a brochure about destination weddings. Farewell Jordan! We barely knew ye!
Lorenzo shows up at Allison’s house because literally everyone comes when Alison calls. “Last night, you asked me if I thought my friends had anything to do with Charlotte’s murder,” she says. He asks her if she wants to change her answer. “Yes.”
“Mystery Person Gets Into Limo” is the new “A-Tag”
An anonymous person sets a dozen roses—eleven white, one red—on Charlotte’s grave, and heads back to their Fancy Limo of Moneyed Dread. The driver holding the door says, “I’m sorry for your loss, sir.”
IS DADDY DILAURENTIS THE NEW BIG BAD? We mean, he is, obviously. But will the show actually make it explicit? Gray-gloved fingers crossed!
NEXT TIME
SPENCER AND CALEB SPENCER AND CALEB SPENCER AND CALEB. Hanna does not look thrilled. And Ezra’s the Red Herring of the Week, which we’re UGH because pointing the finger at him this early only ensures that they won’t make him the murderer for real.
Anyway, a few girls can dream!
Kisses,
A (lexis, Catie & Rosemary)
About the Contributor:
Catie grew up in Denver, Colorado, where she often stayed up past her bedtime reading with a flashlight and once sent homemade Hogwarts acceptance letters to her friends. Now an adult, she still loves books and TV meant for teens, but is grateful to no longer have a bedtime.
