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Title: Pretty Little Liars S7.E09 “The Wrath of Kahn”

AWARDS

This Week’s MVP

All of the Liars were particularly useless this week. Action Hanna managed to screw up royally, to the surprise of approximately no one. Spencer ACTUALLY made it as far as calling the cops to turn Noel in – which might be the closest we’ve ever gotten to a Liar turning someone in to the police – but then managed to lose the flashdrive. Emily still didn’t dump Sabrina, and Aria still didn’t dump Ezra (despite a physically perfect human begging her to with his sex eyes). Aria did, however, do research! And she got that lady to fax them the adoption paperwork. So fine. Aria is MVP.

This Week’s LVP

Sabrina, babe, who are you? Why are you here? Why are the writers trying to drag out your existence when the entire fandom is in a Paily vs. Emison tug-of-war? You’re just like…there. In bad Urban Outfitters hats. I think it’s time you leave Rosewood, find a guy that likes to wear suspenders, and finally start your indie folk band. There will be a six month period where your one catchy hit gets good airplay on the radio and at weddings that take place in barns. Go on, live the dream!

Biggest Shock/Best Surprise

Noel. With the fake blood. In the Dollhouse. Like…WHAT. WHY. HUH. Also every time they show footage from the Dollhouse I am distraught at how much these poor, poor girls have suffered. Troian, as usual, brought me to tears.

Biggest No-Duh

We all saw Hanna botching her plan from about a mile away. I was sure she’d roofie herself, but bringing her bargaining chip to the literal table and showing it to Noel was equally as amateur.

Most Questionable Liar Outfit

With Erza out of town and Aria too sad to dress like a bird of paradise trying to attract its mate, this award goes to Hanna’s spy look – not because it was outrageous but because it was boring. Like, hello, you’re HANNA FREAKING MARIN. You always have an appropriate outfit for the job, and you’re gonna play secret agent in your I-just-got-dumped cap and sweatshirt? Serious missed opportunity for a black catsuit, babe.

PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS

Hanna was v. v. sure that Noel Kahn was A.D. but no one would listen to her. Aria shipped Ezra off to Colombia to see if Nicole was one of the rescued hostages they’d found. Spencer had a rebound hook-up with Detective Marco Fury. Paige came back to town to interview for the same Rosewood High swim coach job as Emily. Aria and Jason have a secretcanyoukeepit. And Hanna decided to take Noel Kahn-A.D. matters into her own hands.

THIS WEEK

Summit, Mysteriously Sans Hanna

The Liars can’t believe Hanna would bail to NYC when they are THIS CLOSE (read: not that close) to having enough evidence to turn Archer Dunhill into the cops. Apparently that’s a thing that must be done as a Liar unit? Now that Hanna is not around showing extreme, desperate signs of PTSD, the girls quit ignoring her and decide maybe she was right after all. Noel is Mary’s mystery baby, so it would make sense that he’d want to avenge Charlotte’s death. Aria decides to go to the County Family Services Court to see if she can find Mystery Baby’s adoption files, while Spencer digs up an address for Noel. 

Aria’s Close, Personal Relationship with Jesus Christ

Aria is at Ezra’s apartment when Jesus Jason shows up. He knows about the explosion at Aunt Carol’s, and thinks, despite what the cops say, that Archer’s still in the country and trying to hurt Ali. Aria tells him a half-truth: they were at Carol’s and found all of Jessica’s shady files, but the fire was an accident. She tells him about his Mystery Baby cousin, and that she’s trying to track down the adoption records, and needs him – a family member – to come with.

So they head on over to Family Services Court and take a number. While they wait, we get a flashback of the time they spent together right after Aria graduated college. And when I say together, I mean together, because they wake up one morning and makeout a little before he tells her his training is finished and would she like to come to Ethopia with him please? Cuz it’s hard bein’ a white savior all alone out there, girl. Aria’s like, “Um that sounds cool” (not) “but unfortunately, feather earrings hold zero value and thus, all my savings are worthless. I need a job, and I have a job interview today.”

Starting to feel weird about all those Jesus jokes we’ve been making jk never

In the present, their number is up. Jason tries to coax info from the woman working the desk but she refuses to give up the files. So Aria steps in. “Yo, lady, he’s a DiLaurentis. His mom was murdered. His sister/girlfriend/cousin was murdered. His other sister was fake murdered, then alive, then in jail, then wrongfully institutionalized and tortured, then kidnapped. His aunt’s a whackadoodle. His real dad turned out to be the neighbor. And his fake dad is probably still frozen solid on the floor where we last saw him two seasons ago. This mystery baby may be the only normal family he has (LOL).” This seems to do the trick, because the woman tells them she’ll see what she can find in the basement archives and fax it to him later.

That night, Aria goes over to his house to see if he got the files, but a storm has knocked the power out, so no faxes. Instead, Jason offers to turn some water into wine while they wait out the storm. He SAYS that Aria shouldn’t worry about Ezra because those two are meant 2 B. But his extreme sex eyes tell a different story. Aria has another flashback from that day they were together. Jason’s still trying to convince her to come to Ethiopia, but it’s too late. Aria has taken the job at the publishing company. Ezra’s publishing company to be exact. In the present, she admits that she took the job in an attempt to get Ezra back and the whole scene is just OOZING with Aria-and-Jasonness. So yeah. Jaria. I’m here for it.

When the power comes back on, Aria gets a text from Ezra – Nicole wasn’t one of the hostages so he’s coming home tomorrow. She cries, from relief, happiness, sadness, all of the above. It’s anyone’s guess. Jason gets the fax, but everything in the adoption paperwork has been blacked out – everything except the judge’s name: Steven Kahn. Noel’s dad. And somehow, A+B=4, Aria thinks that must mean that Judge Steven Kahn who oversaw the case definitely adopted the baby from the case he was overseeing. Duh guys.

Pink Drink Redux: Emily and the Red Velvet Cake

At the Brew, Sabrina is prepping a red velvet cake order for Noel Kahn. Emily warns her not to work with him, but when Sabrina asks why, Emily rushes off to her job interview without explaining. Welcome to Rosewood, Sabrina! Now we’re ALL wondering why Noel Kahn wanted red velvet cake.

Apparently the job interview is a fight to the death because Emily and Paige are forced to fill out their applications together. When Emily gets to the “Have you ever committed a crime?” part of the application, she hesitates because there’s no box to check for “killed a dude but only before he could kill me.” Paige encourages her though, and afterward in the hallway, she admits that she misses some things about high school. Specifically, Emily things. She asks Em to hang out later, but Emily has plans with Sabrina. Paige is surprised that Emily’s dating Sabrina (us too), but Emily’s pretty sure that relationship is dead in the water. “There’s a lot I can’t share with her. About my past…and present.” Paige is like “oh about your serial cyber stalker yes yes I know all about it date me instead.”

They’re all….*gulp*….getting back with their high school boyfriends.

Anyway, while the girls are trying to do secret stuff at Lucas’, Sabrina shows up and is clearly annoyed that Emily is doing mystery murder work without telling her what the hell is up. Despite her annoyance, she gives Emily red velvet cupcakes. Tbh, Sabrina seems nice and normal and should just back away slowly.

Later when the power comes back on, Emily picks up the phone and calls Paige—not Sabrina—to tell her everything that’s happening with Noel Kahn.

Give Me Any Spencer But Heartbreak Spencer

Spencer is Googling Noel Kahn when Detective Marco Fury shows up. Apparently, Archer has fled to France on a fake passport, which means it’s out of his jurisdiction. Which means Spencer can get IN his jurisdiction if you get my drift. Actually, he’s totally respectful and not pervy and just asks her out on a date, but she turns him down due to lingering Caleb heartbreak. Ugh! Caleb used to be the only good dude on this show and they’ve made me hate him too.

Marco leaves and Spencer gets back to snooping, this time asking her mom’s campaign manager to dig up Noel’s voter registration address. Turns out, he’s living at his parent’s old cabin where the good parties used to happen. Also, v. close to where Hanna was kidnapped. She and Emily head over directly, and rifle through his stuff until they find a wooden box with a stamp on it – the same stamp Maya had on her wrist that got you into Eric Kahn’s parties (Maya Knows truthers salivating all over this, I’m sure). Inside the box: a flashdrive. On the flashdrive: video of all the girls. In the dollhouse. They watch video of Noel rubbing fake blood on Spencer’s unconscious body. “I really thought that I hurt someone,” she says through tears. Noel was there the whole time, helping Charlotte. Thunder strikes, so the girls take the flashdrive and head back to Lucas’.

Apparently, even though they have MAD EVIDENCE, they refuse to go to the cops without Hanna. But Emily called Lucas and Hanna had no “business plans” in NYC. Spencer wants to go to the police, but Emily and Aria want to wait and see if Caleb can track her down. Spencer gets a call then that her mom’s car alarm is going off because of the storm, so she hurries home.

She gets the alarm off just as the power goes out, so she lights some candles and boots up her laptop to watch the dollhouse footage. Spencer is shaken by it, so she calls Marco and asks him to come over ASAP. She’s turning Noel in whether the other girls like it or not. Suddenly, a tree branch breaks through the window. There’s a moment of chaos before Spencer realizes someone has come through the back door.

LIAR 101, Spence, NEVER LEAVE THE FLASHDRIVE.

She grabs a knife just as Marco shows up. He starts looking for the person but it’s too late, they’re gone, and so is the flashdrive. Marco patches up her window and offers to make her a drink. Instead, Spencer just asks him to stay with her, so he does. Marco: I’m into it.

Hanna’s Super Good, Fail-Safe Spy Plan

Hanna has unpacked her spy gear and cameras and nooses, and decides to make a video. “My name is Hanna Marin,” she says into the camera. “If you find this video before I do what I came to do, something went terribly wrong.” Her secret mission was to follow Noel around until she found something damning, and Noel wastes no time driving to the city and throwing a bag of trash into a random dumpster then looking over both shoulders in a way that only criminals who are bad at their jobs can do. Hanna digs through the trash until she finds Shower Harvey’s cell phone. Which she knows is Shower’s because she has a photo of herself as the lock screen.

Is that case waterproof tho?

Next up: buy roofies from the local roofie dude, who can’t believe he’s selling them to a girl. We can’t either, bro. This is Rosewood, after all. A place where rape laws are about as lax as the law of time. She takes her roofies to a local dive bar and lies in wait until Noel shows up. Then she orders two beers, roofies one of them, and has a seat at his table.

“I’m waiting for somebody,” he says. “You’re waiting for me,” Hanna counters, pushing a beer in front of him. She knows he killed Sarah, she has the phone. But she also knows there’s enough evidence to implicate both of them. She shows him the phone and tells him to drink, but he won’t. He tells her to take a sip instead, and when she hesitates, he manhandles the phone out of her hands. “Be careful, Hanna, or you’ll end up just like Sarah.”

When Noel gets home that night, he gets out to open his gate and sees Hanna’s cap on the ground. When he bends over to pick it up, that crazy bitch whacks him on the back of the head with a baseball bat.

DAAMMMMNNN, HANIEL.

NEXT WEEK

Hanna and Caleb do it in front of a roaring fire because lol why not. Apparently they’re still trying to make Spoby happen (gag). Oh yeah and Hanna ties up Noel and has a knife to his throat trying to torture the truth out of him. Thank god Mona shows up to help her out of this mess. But then things go to hell, Noel gets loose, Jenna shows up WITH A GUN, and someone gets shot. (Hopefully Ezra, probably Toby.)

We’ve got a live one, folks! Counting my sleeps till then.

Kisses bitches,
rosemAry

P.S. While putting the finishing touches on this recap, I had a revelatory moment. Do y’all remember Andrew who disappeared off the show last season after he had the weird connection to Ali’s family? And the video at the Campbell farm? Everyone thought it would be revealed that he was Ali’s twin brother, but he ended up being a red herring. However, he’s their age…and if his birth name was Andrew Drake, that could make him A.D. And he’s got the classic DiLaurentis blond hair/blue eye thing happening. Is this a crazy theory? Is any PLL theory really crazy? Give me your thoughts in the comments.

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Rosemary lives in Little Rock, AR with her husband and cocker spaniel. At 16, she plucked a copy of Sloppy Firsts off the "New Releases" shelf and hasn't stopped reading YA since. She is a brand designer who loves tiki drinks, her mid-century modern house, and obsessive Google mapping.