Title: Pretty Little Liars S3.E13 “This Is a Dark Ride”
Released: 2012

Guys, I have to admit that Halloween ranks pretty low on my list of holidays I adore. I think I used to like it more when I was younger, before adults ruined its sanctity with their slutty costumes and complete lack of respect for the fact that a wayward spirit is THIS CLOSE to eating your face off on that night, but these days . . . blegh. To begin with – I kind of hate most candy. I know! Shocking? Perhaps. But unless someone is handing out miniature heath bars or York peppermint patties, I ain’t interested. (If someone is planning to hand out those candies, please let me know what time to show up.) And also, and this is the big one, I HATE DRESSING IN COSTUME SO MUCH. SO, SO MUCH, YOU GUYS, I CANNOT EVEN FORM WORDS TO EXPLAIN IT. Now, normally people who hate dressing in costumes just, you know, don’t do so, but oooooh no. No, because I have somehow befriended the strangest group of people in the world, people who, in fact, eschew their everyday clothes and will find the flimsiest of reasons to dress in costume. SEVERAL of them also write for this blog and THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE.

So, between candy, costumes, owning a black cat who gets mad that he’s not allowed outdoors during the month of October, and the fact that no one even tries to be spooky anymore except for, like, those stupid goth nerds, Halloween can kind of bite me. But, that doesn’t mean we can skip the PLL Halloween special. Because how else could we get spooks and thrills and no answers?

Mona is singing THE SPOOKIEST SONG EVER, The Teddy Bear’s Picnic. GAH THIS SONG IS SO FREAKY. It was my first little 45 I got as a kid, from my grandmother, who I think may have secretly hated me. Now I’m having nightmares; nothing else matters. Son of Gloved McEvilson (well, one of them. Toby?) is in her room, and she hands him some of her pills. Mona’s pill stash is starting to look like my nightly regimen.

The Liars are walking down the street in their costumes, but I can’t tell what they are supposed to be. I think Aria is supposed to be a flapper and Spencer is going for Amelia Earhart . . . oh, wait, no, these are just their normal clothes. Hanna is wearing a statement breastplate. Someone has put up a “RIP Alison” coffin in their yard – some person named Clifford Yurkley . . . or is it? Whoever it is is dressing up in a blonde wig, a hockey mask and a bad dress.

Credits (fancy, spooky ones!). Necromancy. Family show!

At Spencer’s house, Garret’s lurking around to give Ma Hastings some flowers, and Toby hulks him off. Oh, Toby. I cannot swoon over your leany kisses now that I know you will end them by glaring over Spencer’s shoulder like a bad soap opera villain. DEAD TO ME.

At Fitz’s, he lies to Aria about having something to do that prevents him from going to the party. Yeah. Uh huh.

Meanwhile, for some reason, Hanna and Caleb are being secretive about their love again. I’m so bored. When does the killing start??

Hanna has come as Marilyn Monroe and Aria as Daisy Buchanan. You get it, since her boyfriend didn’t want to be compared to that other Fitzgerald when he started writing. Yeesh. Hanna and Lucas are really . . . nice to each other? Are we nice to Lucas again? I thought we were suspicious of Lucas on account of his rage issues and the fact that he was stealing Mona’s meds?

EW DEAD BABY FACE DUDE IS THERE AGAIN GAH!!!! AWFUL!!! Heh, Spencer and Toby have showed up as Bogie and Bacall and STOP BEING CUTE, TOBY. I KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. And then randomly Noel Kahn starts choking and has a seizure but it’s all a prank.

And then Emily and Paige come in! Dressed as . . Meatloaf as Eddie and Rocky Horror? I . . . I don’t get their reference. But okay.

Oh, and Butthair’s (aka Jason) here too. So basically EVERYONE’S IN!

Pastor Ted is probably one of those guys who injects poison into candy, isn’t he?

On the Ghost Train party, someone who I think might be Adam Lambert is the musical guest. Everyone acts excited. Acts. Except for Creepy Baby Mask. He is unimpressed. Like Simon.

Time for a visit to the Sanitarium! Guess who ISN’T in her bed?

In the . . . bar area of the train party (okay, it does seem like a pretty cool place for a party), Toby and his rapist trade a few barbs, and Butthair and Spencer catch up for a bit before Butthair ditches her to follow Lucas.

In other news, Adam Lambert apparently has at least two songs, cause he’s still singing. And people are still interested. Well, except Aria, she seems to think he’s a little pitchy, bro.

Prozzie Mom goes back to the Kitchen of Carbs and Cash to refill candy and HOLY SHIT there’s this creepy little blonde girl dressed like a damn American Girl doll who asks to call her mom because she’s scared and lost and wants to go home. Prozzie Mom acts like this is a sort of normal occurrence instead of clearly a DEMON CHILD ABOUT TO STEAL HER SOUL WHAT THE FUCK.

Meanwhile, Caleb comes dressed as the Phantom of the Opera. Ugh. How appropriate. I wish he were burned in a fire and lived in a sewer and I never had to see him again because I avoid all Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals like the plague.

Aria is sitting alone which natually attracts the interest of . . . Adam Lambert. Y’all, y’all. I just feel like this whole thing is a gift that was several years in the making. Thank you, show. He asks her name just as the train whistles, so she writes it in the steam of the window. I feel like, any minute, Hercule Poirot will show up with his mustache and find a clue. Meanwhile, Dead Baby Mask has transformed into, like, Mardi Gras Dead Baby Masque and is wearing a ring that opens up to store cocaine or, in this case, probably crushed up sedatives from Mona. I have ALWAYS WANTED a ring like that. Not because I do coke. But Lucretia Borgia had a ring like that, you know; it’s how she poisoned people. I would use mine to carry around fun dip.

Em and Paige do some making out, but more importantly, Mona’s humming The Teddy Bear’s Picnic (AGAIN) and Dead Baby Mask has chloroformed Spencer! Chloroform!! So old fashioned! Lauren would approve.

And then . . . Garrett has Spencer outside on the train platform? So he recounts the night of Ali’s death. Garrett takes Jenna outside and sees Alison. Jenna pushes Ali and likewise. He hits the hockey stick at Alison and she yells . . . and goes quiet. But Jenna, being Actual Blind, thinks that he killed her, see? Alison shushes Garrett, basically telling him to tell Jenna that she’s dead. THE WHAAAA?

And then!! So Garrett comes back to ask Ali what the hell is going on, and sees her talking to someone – “I’m not the one who makes people do these things. If you don’t pay for your mistakes, how can you become a better person?” And she’s talking to . . . ACTOR/DIRECTOR CHAD LOWE!!!! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!! Why nothing bad ever happens to Aria, why Alison went shit-crazy on his office re: Meredith, why right after her murder he hightailed it to Iceland or whatever. ACTOR/DIRECTOR CHAD LOWE, HOW COULD YOU?

Spencer tries to find Aria, but of course she’s gone, and someone has crossed out all of her name except for the first letter. Spencer gets a text from A and it’s HILARIOUSLY got an olde-timey, spooky theme to it, that kind of matches the borders on the pictures from the ABC Family site. That’s awesome. I wish A sent all of his/her texts with holiday flair. Little Christmas lights, or tinsel. Maybe some eggs and bunnies at Easter.

At Hanna’s house, the little ghost girl has come back, and is obviously Alison’s (possibly) dead twin sister. It’s a haunting!

Meanwhile! Hanna is subcutaneously poisoned! Mardi Gras Baby tries to throw Spencer off the train! WHY DON’T THEY EVER CALL THE COPS I MEAN HONESTLY? Paige rescues Spencer but gets a few punches of her own. They find a fake red nail.

Meanwhile! Aria gets free of her bonds and turns to face . . . a dead dude in a hoodie! I don’t know who that’s supposed to be. Adam Lambert? I’m so confused, and I think it’s mostly because I have no idea who half the guys are on this show.

Spencer and Hanna wonder if there isn’t a guy dressed as a lady with long red fake nails somewhere on board. Paige is typically weird about playing the hero, and probably has to go check in with her A team brethren soon.

Aria is un-duct-taping herself on a CONVENIENTLY placed nail in her box while the girls get closer to finding her. Someone outside is preparing to push her off the train or something, and she stabs them with a screwdriver, but then the girls get to her? I don’t know, it’s a little confusing, to be honest. Oh, wait, the dead person is Garrett. Oh, okay.

Back at the Haunted House of Kitchen and Carbs, Prozzie Mom is very worried about her ghost visitation. Father Ted’s all, “I’m not supposed to believe in ghosts.” Um, why not? Ghosts prove the existence of an afterlife.

At THE END OF THE LINE, the cops have gathered everyone for questioning, and for some RIDICULOUS FUCKING REASON, Spencer is still, all, “we tell them nothing.” GIRL. GIRL. Just TELL THEM WHAT HAS HAPPENED. Fitz “randomly” shows up and pretends he wasn’t on the train the entire time, yeah right, and then Noel, Butthair and Toby get into a pushy-shovey that breaks the Drinks Container, which unveils . . . a body bag! Presumably Alison’s.

Back at the Sanitarium, Mona’s made it back indoors for her nightly rounds, with the mask that got all up on Hanna’s business safely underneath her.

And! In a plotted off grid somewhere, a hand raises from the dirt. What the heeeeeeeeell? Is this PLL or Carrie, damn??

Alright, kids, that’s it until January. It also looks like I forgot to record Hocus Pocus, thus missing the actual ONLY HALLOWEEN TRADITION I CARE ABOUT which aired last night on ABC Family, so, BRB, KILLING MYSELF FOREVER.

Let me know your thoughts and theories in the comments! Could Byron be Alison’s killer? But is he also A? Wouldn’t it be kind of lame if A had so many kids working for him? What’s up with the Haunting of Prozzie Mom? Is Father Ted, in fact, a serial killer? Let’s gab!

Erin is loud, foul-mouthed, an unrepentant lover of trashy movies and believes that champagne should be an every day drink.