Tender acoustic music! The girls are sitting around a restaurant that should be out of their price range. Look! If you are in high school, everything that’s more expensive than Taco Cabana should be out of your price range. Hell, I work at an Unnamed Fortune 500 Company, and Taco Cabana’s barely in my price range.
Hanna is adding booze to her drink via the flask she seems to carry everywhere. I like Hanna. Hanna is my bosom friend. The girls are discussing Jenna showing up at the funeral, and A and her texts. Spencer tells the other girls that she knew some of Ali’s secrets. Apparently Ali was dating someone older, but Spencer doesn’t know his name. (There is a hint that maybe Ali and Em were, uh, exploring their sexuality together before she died).
Aria wonders how it is that they barely knew any of Alison’s secrets, yet she knew all of theirs. It’s because Ali is a meglomaniacal psycho, Aria! OBVS!
Uh oh! Blind Jenna has come walking in to interrupt their fun. (Now I know she is blind because she has a walking stick. Unless she’s secretly a ninja, and uses that stick to beat people.) The girls, because they are WEAK SAUCE, sneak out of the restaurant to avoid Jenna. And probably to avoid paying their tab, as well.
Credits. Drink, drink! Necromancy. Family Show!
Hanna’s house. She and her mother do their makeup in the kitchen mirror, until a news report about the gruesome discovery of Alison’s remains interrupt their primping. Sigh. It’s always something, isn’t it? Hanna apologizes to her mom for making her whore herself out to drop the shoplifting charges. Um, Hanna, that was your mom’s decision. I mean, it’s not like she is an immigrant who was sold into sex slavery after her passport and money were stolen. She chose to screw a guy to get your shoplifting charges dropped. I ain’t blaming her, but she needs to choose her choice, and so on.
Aria’s house. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, talks to Aria about Hanna’s transformation. Then The Cheating Dad comes in to explain that he’ll be working late tonight. Yeah, Aria knows what’s up. The Cheating Dad just wants to tenderly bone his students agian!
Emily’s house. Maya comes to visit. Everyone’s hair is significantly longer in this episode. Em and Maya flirt some more. Maya is starting to feel the strain of Ali’s legacy as well. Man! Alison blows! Don’t interrupt the cute budding flirting with your stupid dead legacy!
Em’s mother arrives, and Maya explains how the people of Rosewood, PA have turned her backyard (where Alison’s body was discovered) into a shrine – teddy bears, candles, etc. Guys, I’m just telling you now – if I ever become important enough that the world will mourn my passing, PLEASE do not leave teddy bears and candles and bad poetry near my eternal place of rest. I will mock you from beyond the grave, and you will feel chagrined.
Ha ha ha, now Emily’s mother is inviting Maya over to spend a few days with them. She can stay in Emily’s room! Oh, Emily’s mom!
Spencer. Is playing field hockey. Of course she is. Emily and Maya walk up to join her. Maya mentions a drinking game! I knew Maya was my friend! Emily and Maya go off to get coffee, and Spencer stays to practice.
School. Aria runs into Hot Teacher Hookup in the halls. She’d like to transfer out of his class. Hot Teacher Hookup is sad about this. Aria, however, has problems looking at him and not thinking about boning him. Me too, Aria. Me too.
Oh look, it’s Em’s boyfriend! He looks like he would wear Jorts.
Suddenly, Aria, Em, Hanna and Spencer are called to the office. Hanna is wearing the most unfortunate shoes I’ve ever seen. It makes her feet look like cloven hooves. Perhaps that is intentional?
Of course, the girls get a text from “A.” “Dead girls walking.” Oh, A, you are so very tiresome.
Commercial for Eclipse. Aw, it’s so cute, it actually makes it seem like a movie that has a plot! Also there’s a shot of the Cullens that I am like 99.9% sure is actually video footage of the Twilight action figures. Seriously, what is going on with Papa Cullen’s hair?
Show. School. That jerky detective is there to question the girls about Alison’s disappearance. Exposition time! Jerky Detective thinks the girls are lying. Well, I’m sure that they’ll be very upset about that, Jerky Detective.
Cafeteria. The girls are discussing how they are – of course – lying to the cop, and also about Jenna, and the night of “the thing that happened.” Apparently Ali did something to Jenna that caused her blindness. Spencer tells everyone they shouldn’t tell anyone anything.
Jenna walks into the cafeteria, and Aria invites her to sit with them. Jenna starts talking about Alison. Ugh, is there anyone who isn’t obsessed with this chick? Anyway, everyone feels very guilty and horrible around Jenna.
Flashback! (drink!) Music plays as the girls trade clothes. Ali claims she sees some guy (Toby Cavenaugh; Jenna’s brother, I guess) spying on them. She exacts a plan for revenge!
No one else is really interested in exacting revenge, but Ali is hellbent. She has a stinkbomb, which she tosses into the Cavenaugh garage. Of course, the garage explodes. Whoops!
Present day. Simultaneous texts. “If only you could see how guilty you look . . . A” Girls! The texter is INSIDE THE CAFETERIA!
School, Hot Teacher Hookup’s class. Today we are learning about Innocence. And, apparently, falling anvils. Mona arrives, late. As Hot Teacher Hookup passes out work, Aria comes in. Her request to be transferred out has been denied. Aria and Hot Teacher Hookup look wistfully at one another.
Hanna’s. Her boyfriend is over, studying. He looks like his name would be Chad. Hanna totally makes a move on him. Oh, his name is Shaun. I’m going to keep calling him Chad though, especially because he’s just turned down kisses. Hanna feels insecure, until Chad kisses her again. Hanna asks if he’s waiting “because of his dad.” Hanna’s mom comes in and we find out that Chad’s dad is a preacher. You know what I wish I were watching right now instead of this? Footloose.
Ugh, then Jerky Detective comes by with Thai food. Great. More prostitution. At least free Thai is a better reason to sell sex than having a shoplifting record expunged. I mean, no one cares if someone shoplifted. But my belly always cares about Thai food.
Spencer and her dad are at dinner. He seems uptight. Quelle surprise. The bitchy older sister and Wren the Oxford grad join them. Spence makes a joke about ordering booze; Wren is the only one who laughs.
Emily’s house. Sleepover with Maya! Do some kissing things! Come on, Em! Maya’s totally flirting, but sadly Em’s not taking the bait.
Back to dinner. Spencer’s family is playing some sort of “game” in which they try to top each other’s accomplishments. Man, I’m so glad I’m from the country.
Wren totally lets Spencer sneak some of his booze! And then his accomplishment is about a great parking spot. Oh, Wren. Stop making me sort of like you.
Em’s house. THEY ARE CUDDLING! I repeat! There is cuddling involved! Ugh, and now Em’s got a text message, probably from A, to ruin everything. “did you get a goodnight kiss? here’s one from me xo . . . A” Ugh, I hate you A! You don’t interrupt cuddles! Are you crazy, as well as dead?
Hanna’s house, next day. Ugh, Jerky Detective is still there, now telling Hanna’s mom how he wants his eggs. Hanna’s mom, please let me repeat to you, IT IS A SHOPLIFTING CHARGE. It’s not like your daughter filleted a tourist or anything. JUST A SHOPLIFTING CHARGE!! Okay, I just looked up the Pennsylvania statute, and it does look like Hanna could have gotten 5 years, but I’m sure she would have pled down to probation and some sort of class. This is ridiculous!
Anyway, moving on. Em, Em’s boyfriend and Maya are riding to school. Em’s boyfriend keeps trying to intimate that the two were getting busy; Maya isn’t biting. Em, however, is a little rattled, if the way she’s shoving her tongue in her boyfriend’s throat is any indication.
Movie theatre. Aria stands outside and runs into Hot Teacher Hookup. Holly Marie Combs is there as well, so everyone gets pretty nervous. And then Holly Marie Combs invites Hot Teacher Hookup to watch the movie with them. Oh, Holly.
Em’s house. Em’s upset. Her mom thinks it’s about Alison. She wants Emily and the other girls to become besties again.
Spencer’s house. Wren offers her another massage, but Spencer is too busy studying. Wren stops flirting with his girlfriend’s high school-aged sister long enough to share his sympathy over Spencer’s psycho family. Oh, no, now they’re making out. And . . . Melissa totally sees it. Whoops!
Spencer’s house, next day. She looks out the window to see Wren moving out of the Guest House/Barn.
Mall. Hanna and Mona are at the mall. Hanna sees Jerky Detective staring at her. She tells him to leave her and her mother alone. Jerky Detective is jerky! Hanna! The solution to your problem is very simple! Call Jerky Detective’s boss and explain that he allowed your mother to bribe him with sex. Jerky Detective will be Jerky Switchboard Operator in like two minutes.
Outside. Rain. Aria is walking home and Hot Teacher Hookup offers her a ride. He pulls into an alley – classy – and they start sucking face. I do not blame you, Aria!!
Cafe. Emily is sitting, alone. FLASHBACK. (drink!) Ali is handing out gifts to everyone. They are friendship bracelets with their names embroidered. Em has such a crush on Alison.
Present day! Aria comes home, and she and her dad talk about his affair. Was he in love with her? He had very strong feelings for her. Aria understands. Then, of course, she gets a text from A. “When students kiss TEACHERS, then someone gets hurt.” Oh, shove it, Alison.
Spencer, running, rounds the corner. She sees Jenna sitting on a park bench, sending texts from her phone. Drama! Intrigue! Or something!