Previously on Reign: Olivia has rabies? Lola is knocked up and unwed. And King Henry likes it up against the window ledge.
Every week gets even crazier, doesn’t it? The French Court must be exhausting. These people could use a vacation. Or a sanitorium. Let’s decide!
- Henry has purchased an expensive new playmate and assumes Kenna will want to play along. She makes a token protest at first, but is soon making out with the new girl. Oh show, you ratings slut.
- Everyone is excited for the First Light feast, which appears to be for the purpose of lining up suitors. Mary is anxious for Lola to meet and secure a proposal from Count Philip. Greer needs to find a suitor too, but in the meantime, she’s still making out with cute Pastry Boy. And why wouldn’t she? (Yes, yes, his name is Leith. But he’ll always be Pastry Boy to me.)
- Rabid Olivia babbles on to Nostradamus about The Darkness in the forest and possible cannibalism? And that it filled her with evil. I have no idea what she’s talking about, but she seems to have had some good drugs while she was gone.
- Speaking of good drugs, Kenna wakes up in bed, tied to the new playmate, who is now inconveniently dead. She runs straight to the person she figures must have experience with such things, and brings Queen Catherine back to assess the situation. Poor Catherine, again with the body disposal. Kenna swears she won’t tell anyone, but as Catherine points out “The king already knows. Who else would we tell?”
- Bash is still spending time with the huntress girl and her family on the edge of the woods. He works to fortify their hut against the coming The Darkness. Is this like Those We Do Not Speak Of? Then the family drugs Bash, and he wakes up tied up and helpless against the unseen dude who comes and slaughters a lamb and then drags off the Huntress. I’m sorry guys, but I’m struggling to care about this plotline.
- Lola’s potential suitor, Count Philip, looks like a poor man’s Alexander Skarsgård. So, of course, I decide that he’s probably a vampire. Francis wants to make sure that Lola is seeking a suitor to make herself happy and not because of anything that happened between them. She assures him, and of course, continues to lie by omission.
- Pastry Boy is stuck serving dinner to Greer and her admirer, some nerdy Lord, whose name I can’t be bothered to learn. In the midst of the awkward, Lord Nerd’s sleeve catches on fire, which Pastry Boy quickly puts out. Later, the Lord offers Pastry Boy an apprenticeship in Spain as a token of appreciation. Greer encourages him to take it, because they both know they can’t be together. Pastry Boy tells her that her loves her. Oh, poor dreamy Pastry Boy. We find out later that Greer asked Lord Nerd to extend the job offer. Her parents have arranged a match for her, and he’s about to arrive at the castle.
- Henry is drunk (or just demented?) and possibly strategizing his world takeover when Catherine interrupts him because “Henry, there is a dead girl in your chambers.” He wonders “What is this to do with me?” Apparently, he considers such housekeeping matters to be women’s work. He also refuses to have Nostradamus help with his “headaches”. WebMD and I diagnose Henry with syphilis.
- Francis tells Mary that Count Philip prefers the company of men (told ya: vampire) and doesn’t think he’d make a good husband for Lola. Mary is jealous that Francis and Lola spoke together. Francis chooses this time to confess to the one-night stand. Mary doesn’t do a very good job of acting shocked, but is understanding with him. But then she goes and yells at Lola again. Lola still maintains her pregnancy must be kept secret. Mary thinks that the only solution is for Lola to marry Count Philip even if it means being with someone who can never be a real husband to her. Mary thinks this is what she deserves for her mistake. Damn, girl. Who died and made you Queen? Oh, wait. Nevermind.
- Francis fills his and Mary’s chamber with the light of every candle ever made. I think it’s supposed to be romantic? But I’m too worried about the fire hazard. Mary is super paranoid because she hasn’t gotten pregnant after two whole months. It’s a shame they don’t teach biology in convents.
- Henry is making veiled threats at Kenna, now that she ratted on him for his murderous ways, when Catherine of all people steps in and sends her off. Henry rambles on in his new crazy way about an epiphany he had that involves his Christ-given right to do whatever the hell he wants. Catherine looks properly terrified.
History According to Reign
- Servant girls offering unsolicited conception advice to the Queen of Scotland and future Queen of France? Only if they’re not very fond of being employed, or you know, alive.
- The First Light feast celebrates that magical time of year when the CW needs to invent a new reason to have a party.
- I’m fascinated by the fact that Olivia seems to be the only person at the French Court that actually has a French accent.
Number of Times I Forgot I Wasn’t Watching Gossip Girl: 2
1. This week featured some delightful beaded headbands that the girls at Constance Billard would have staged catfights over.
2. Mary tells Lola that if she doesn’t hurry up and get married to protect this secret, she’ll resent her forever. No more froyo on the steps of the museum for her.
Next week: Winter is coming? More gibberish about The Darkness and Francis and Bash risk their lives in some arctic tundra.