Title: Reign S1.E16 “Monsters”
Released: 2014
Series:  Reign

Previously on Reign: Lola is knocked up. Mary is pissed. Greer is required to get married. Pastry Boy is the best. Bash is paranoid about Francis. The Darkness is evil.

Hey guys! How amazing is it that there’s a sacrificial pagan cult in the woods and yet the craziest things are happening inside the castle? I don’t know about you, but I find the French Court way scarier than The Darkness.

The Intrigue

  • Olivia is still having post-traumatic nightmares and Nostradamus is treating her wounds. He pulls a FANGED TOOTH out of her skin. I’m now nauseated forever.

  • Henry has no patience for the nobleman presenting grievances in the throne room and is burning him with candle wax when Catherine intervenes. He’s very insistent that the Queen for the Day event continue despite Catherine’s objections. Because there’s nothing the demented like better than a party.

  • Catherine is tired of trying to cover up Henry’s madness and has Nostradamus slip her a potion that will induce a temporary coma. Catherine thinks that Penelope, the kitchen girl who’s been crowned Queen for the Day, will be the perfect person to slip it to paranoid Henry. Catherine promises Penelope friendship and patronage and then warns her of Henry’s “rough and lengthy” bedroom antics (Please, like they haven’t heard the gossip in the kitchen?) as a way to get the girl to slip the king the potion.

It’s a nice necklace, but for putting up with Henry, you may have to throw in the good jewels.
  • Greer’s new fiancé, Lord Julian is cute and rich, which is depressing to both Pastry Boy and Lord Nerd. Pastry Boy goes to see Greer in her chambers, and she admits that Julian is great, but that he isn’t Pastry Boy. But really, who is? Lord Julian and his entourage walk in on them kissing. Pastry Boy tries to claim he was at fault, and is hauled away to the dungeon. Julian withdraws his proposal and poor Greer is ruined.

  • Bash returns to the castle. He is really not taking this exile thing seriously. He’s still raving about the evil in the woods, but Henry is not having it, and has him sent to the dungeons. Mary bribes someone to help him escape, but he refuses, because he is an idiot. Bash reveals that Olivia was a victim of The Darkness and is in the castle. Mary and Francis are sympathetic towards Olivia and Bash convinces Francis they have to go out and kill The Darkness. Nostradamus tells them The Darkness is not a monster, because the tooth he pulled from Olivia’s wound is a human tooth filed into a fang. The hell you say. That tooth is HUGE.

  • Kenna and Lola are comforting crying Greer (as much as Kenna can comfort, while also saying “you simply can’t love a servant”). Greer is worried about Pastry Boy being whipped in the dungeons and also about what the gossip will do to her. Mary is supportive, but then Greer realizes the Ladies-in-Waiting have brought Mary nothing but shame, except for Lola. Oops, guess it’s time they told her about Lola.

  • Mary pleads with Henry on Pastry Boy’s behalf when Penelope arrives in her queenly finery and Henry STARTS REMOVING HIS BELT. When Mary tries to make a hasty exit, Henry insists that she show Penelope how to serve a royal while he watches. Holy hell. Mary realizes Henry is “unwell”. I believe this may be fancy royal talk for “effing insane”. After Mary leaves, Penelope reveals her innocence is a sham and she’s a freaking dominatrix. Well, won’t these two make a cute couple?

  • Bash and Francis are searching an icy field for The Darkness. Seriously, guys? It’s a wide open space in broad daylight, and you think he might be there? They periodically take breaks to snipe at each other, and then find a severed hand lying on the ice. Wow, that’s gross. Then, Francis falls through the ice and Bash rushes to save him. He barely gets him out in time. I was secretly thinking that at least this would be a cooler way to die than the way the real Prince Francis died.

  • Lord Nerd got Pastry Boy out of prison and conscripted into the Army instead. Greer is very grateful to him, and when he he tells her that he’s still willing to marry her, despite the gossip, she accepts. He’s obviously a very nice man, but I have my doubts about his croissant baking abilities.

We will also accept cookies. How are you at chocolate chip, my lord?
  • Francis and Bash are reconnecting after the ice rescue when crazy ass Henry comes in raving and threatening to kill Bash for coveting Francis’s stuff (which includes Mary, of course). Francis is able to talk him down and Henry claims to have the solution to this problem. This is when I decided that I now need a “Henry says a bunch of crazy shizz” macro button to speed things up.

  • At the ball (that’s still going on?), Olivia tries to get the obvs interested Nostradamus to dance, but he refuses. Then, being the total downer that he is, he tells her about the wife and children he had and couldn’t save from the plague. Olivia reminds him that he saved her, and kisses him.

  • Lola thanks Greer for the hand-me-down fiancé, Lord Julian. Greer gets a last look at our beloved Pastry Boy from the castle balcony. I’m going to need some time to mourn.

  • Crafty Penelope told Henry about the potion Catherine gave her. Henry tells Catherine that he’s devoted to his new Queen and that they’ve drugged her with the potion, instead. A literal taste of her own medicine? Ouch.

  • Bash tells Mary and Francis that Henry is demanding everyone’s presence at the “horror show” of Bash and Kenna’s nuptials. Kenna, in typical Kenna fashion, interrupts the vows to whine that Henry had promised her a titled husband. So, Henry makes Bash the Master of Horse and Hunt. Catherine has been dragged to this fiasco in her nightclothes, barely conscious. Kenna is crying, and Henry is barefoot and threatening everyone at sword point. It’s the best wedding I’ve ever been to.

I went to a wedding once where the bride and groom ate fire. This was better.
  • Bash uses his new title to send the guards out looking for The Darkness. He admits to Mary that he wishes he’d just stayed away, since now he’s married to someone he doesn’t like and he has to watch Mary love someone else for the rest of his life. Yep, I bet exile does look pretty sweet compared to being married to Kenna.

History According to Reign

  • The king’s bastard son marrying a Scottish noblewoman seems like a stretch. But, since Henry and Diane never actually had a son, we’ll never know for sure.

Number of Times I Forgot I Wasn’t Watching Gossip Girl: 3

1. At the ball, Henry tells Greer: “Well done with that kitchen boy. That nasty gossip is the first interesting thing I’ve heard about you.” It was so Chuck Bass that Crazy Henry is now totally my new favorite character.

2. Mary tries to talk Lola into marrying Lord Julian, since he’s now in need of a fiancé, and she is even more so. This was apparently Greer’s idea, because titled fiancés can simply be passed around like the new Birkin bag.

3. Dominatrix Penelope is exactly the kind of twist you would expect from a previously unknown freshman.

Next: When Reign comes back on April 10: Mary learns that if she dies without an heir, France gets Scotland. And though they don’t show us in the preview, insert <Henry says a bunch of crazy shizz> here.


Kandis (she/her) is a proud member of the Austin FYA book club chapter who loves vampires, romance novels, live tweeting CW shows, and Jonah Griggs. She’s not like a regular mom. She’s a cool mom.