Previously on Reign: Mary’s mother visited court; she was awful. Bash met a man claiming to have been pulled from his grave by a woman dressed in white. King Antoine is trying to ruin Bash’ marriage, despite having already gotten away with poisoning King Henry. But since Catherine thinks the Duke of Guise was responsible, he was shot down in the road like a dog.
For something new and different, this week’s party was preceded by a funeral! Sometimes, I miss the plague.
- Mary de Guise eulogizes her brother, while Catherine snarks the whole thing under her breath. It’s perfection. When Mama Guise joins her, she admits to being totally cool with the fact that Catherine offed her brother. Wow. Did anyone like that guy?
- Antoine notices Conde’s longing looks at Mary, and surmises he has her heart, but not yet, her bed. Annoying Antoine seems to think it’s all part of their long con on the Valois family.
- Francis tells Lola he was looking for her at the Duke’s memorial, to tell her that he’s found a potential alliance for their infant son. However, the prospective bride’s parents want to meet Lola first. Francis tells her there’s no reason she wouldn’t impress them. (I privately think that being the mother of the king’s illegitimate son isn’t that impressive of a resumé.)
- Antoine is still trying to win Kenna over. She returns the ruby she found in the strawberries he left for her, telling him that it’s an invitation she cannot accept, and that the flirtation must stop. He tells her that it will, and then keeps doing it, even playing the sick spouse card, which that nitwit, Kenna, falls for. And then to really cap it, he offers to pay her to be his personal shopper/party planner. Yep, he’s got Kenna’s number.
- Mary’s horrible mother wants to know where Mary’s heir is, why Francis no longer visits her chambers, and whether Lola is to blame. Her mom passes her some herbs to help her relax and do her wifely duty. Mama Guise warns her that producing an heir before Queen Elizabeth does is what will secure her country. Spoiler: That shouldn’t be too tough.
- Mary admits to Francis, that her mother is right about them needing to produce an heir. He thinks it’s too soon, and not a good enough reason to be together, if that’s not what she really wants. But, she speaks so romantically of their duty. Does that not do it for you, Francis?
- Bash tells Kenna he doesn’t think it’s a great idea for him to attend the party of the man whose brother he killed. Don’t worry about it, Bash. They do it all the time on the vampire shows. She admits her absence might be missed, since she was the party planner. He’s not thrilled, since they both know what Antoine wants from her. But, of course, he has to leave, to pursue supernatural happenings. And yet again, Kenna is pissy because he has to work instead of going to another party. Yawn, you guys.
- Francis confides in his mother (as this mama’s boy is prone to do) about the pressure from Mama Guise to produce an heir. Francis doesn’t believe Mary is really ready, since she blames her attack on him. Catherine makes a very good point, that if Mary is willing, let her take the lead. Unfortunately, a king’s visit to his queen’s chambers, should be witnessed, to eliminate any speculation about whose child it is.
- Bash inquires in the village, about a healer dressed in white. A washer woman tells him that she healed her son, but blinded the other, because magic always has a price? It’s silly and Bash eats that stuff up.
- Greer takes her working lady next door neighbor, Charlene, a wig, as an apology for the whole hair-chopping john incident. Then she offers her some advice on choosing a better class of clientele. Greer is going to outfit her so that Charlene can work her charms at Antoine’s party.
- Mama Guise makes sure to fling some angry insults at Lola, as Lola is on her way to meet the von Hapsburgs, that Francis is hoping to marry their kid off to. Mama Guise guilts her about being a terrible lady-in-waiting and friend to the queen. She claims Lola and her son’s presence make Mary seem deficient and disposable.
- Bash finds the lady in white at an abbey, where she’s been taken in by nuns. She tells him she healed the sick boy, by placing hands on him. She claims the man pulled from his grave was buried alive, and she simply answered his calls. She says she only helps those who would die without her help. and that she touches others and senses their pain. At his insistence, she touches Bash and gives him vague predictions of broken hearts and violence. So, she’s watched The CW before?
- Kenna is spazzing because things aren’t yet perfect for King Antoine’s party, though it’s quite obviously already started. She frets about her clothes, and he sends her off to pick a dress and jewels from the stash he keeps. Yep, Kenna’s affections can be bought. He promises to dispatch a message to her husband, but of course has no such intention.
- At the party, Lola greets Conde in a most uncharacteristically effusive way. She mentions having had a drink with Mama Guise to steady her nerves, which explains why she’s high as a kite, and about to make a fool of herself in front of her son’s potential in-laws.
- Francis is escorted to Mary’s chambers in his robe, she’s in her nightgown, and I’m confused, because there’s a freaking party going on tonight. She tells him that she’s sure, and makes the first move. She’s obviously not that steady, and really should have had some of what Lola was having. But, it’s Francis who pulls away in protest. She lets it slip that an heir needs to be conceived to secure her place, if they go on to separate lives. He wants to know if she loves Conde or if she just wants to secure her rule in Scotland before she turns to Conde. She tell him BOTH. He tells her that he forbids her from being with Conde. Yeah, that should take care of it, Francis.
- Kenna arrives at the party wearing the most improbable drop-waisted, sequined monstrosity of a gown and headband. Antoine gloats to Conde. Kenna is obviously awaiting Bash’s arrival. Meanwhile, Bash is off at the abbey, awaiting word from Kenna.
- Lola meets the von Hapsburgs and their apparently unfortunate looking daughter, who she makes horrifying observations about. People should be high on this show WAY more often. Francis quickly escorts her away, believing she’s drunk. Lola gets a little too handsy with him and he realizes he needs to get her away from the party, STAT.
- Mary tells her mother there will be no heir because she was raped and that’s why she and Francis no longer share a room. Her mother is far from appropriately sympathetic. Mary tells her that she realizes now that she is her own person, and utterly alone, but perhaps better for it. Word, girl.
- Francis is attempting to get super stoned Lola loaded into a carriage, when she tells him that she remembers how he was when they were alone in Paris, including that he was a great kisser. But she also hopes that he and Mary work things out. He orders her sent back to her chambers at the castle. Which, WHERE ARE THEY?
- Having seen Francis at the party, Conde goes to Mary, knowing that Francis was supposed to be with her (“the whole castle knew of your plans tonight.” Oh, ick). Mary confesses the plan was a failure because she froze and couldn’t go through with it. He tells her to be patient with herself. She tells him not get his hopes up about this, because Francis has forbidden them to be together. Mary tells him the pressure is worst from her mother, but Conde has deduced, based on Lola performance, that Marie is quite the opium addict.
- Bash arrives at the party, nearly enraged about the good time Kenna is having in Antoine’s clothes and jewels, and not having received the intended message from Kenna. They fight outside, because Kenna wants more material things out of life, and Bash doesn’t.
- Still high Lola goes running through the castle corridor, straight for Narcisse. “Could sex with you be simple, not scary?” DOUBTFUL. Narcisse is actually gentlemanly, realizes Lola is not herself, and says that when he has her, he wants the real her. He orders a servant to escort her to her chambers and stay with her. She complains to the servant. “He didn’t even offer me a bath.” HA. It would be awesome if Lola now thinks Narcisse’s predilections are the norm.
- Mary confronts her mother about the opium, and drugging Lola. Marie says she is dying and just trying to assure Mary’s place. Mary wants her to stay at the castle and be cared for, but her mother insists on returning to Scotland. I can barely even pay attention to this discussion because Mary is wearing one of her crazy season one off-the-shoulder bohemian dresses. Mary tells her mother not to worry, because she will not let any usurper take her country from her.
- Kenna tells Antoine to stay away from her, that she doesn’t want to be his revenge. She thinks he believes her to be easy prey, because she was the king’s mistress. He tells her that he doesn’t want her as revenge, or as a mistress, but as his wife. You know, just as soon as his current wife dies, of course. He thinks she couldn’t possibly be happy with a husband of Bash’s station, when she could be a queen.
- Francis tells Catherine that there’s no hope of he and Mary having an heir. She believes that Mary could still come around, but also wants him to pursue his own joy, should that be another woman at court. He watches Lola fondly from a window. She’s in good spirits, for someone who should have a massive hangover. She’s embarrassed, but he assures her that the disclosures of the previous night were taken as a gesture of friendship.
- Charlene shares her earnings from the previous night with Greer. She’s recruited some other working girls and they want Greer to direct them to the noble parties, and dress them up, and they’ll give her a cut of the action. And this is how we get Madam Greer. HERE FOR IT. It’s about time one of these girls had a career.
- Mary tells Conde that her mother is dying, and she needs to return to Scotland to rule as the queen in person. She hasn’t told Francis yet. She’s done listening to everyone else, and plans to pursue what she wants. Which is apparently Conde, by her side in Scotland.
- Antoine finds a dazed Conde in the snowy courtyard and tells him he’s received news from England. Elizabeth wants a noble alliance with someone who has a strong foothold in France, and she wants Conde. Well, DUH. She’s probably seen him. Conde is in disbelief, but also says he can’t, while looking nauseated, and torn.
History According to Reign
- “Don’t flaunt your bountiful womb to me.” It’s a shame such insults have fallen out of fashion, isn’t it?
- Sure, Elizabeth wants Conde in England. She wanted all the good-looking nobleman of Europe to dance attendance upon her, for decades at a time, while she dangled the possibility of marriage. But she never married a single one of them, and kept all that power for herself, because she was awesomely smart.
- “Mary, you’re here to do a job.” Truer words, lady. But seriously, when you’re queen of your own country, maybe brood mare shouldn’t be your most important job?
- “Lola was fairly levitating after she had something to drink of your mother’s.” High Lola = best Lola.
- I’m much more interested in a potential Lola and Narcisse affair, than a Lola and Francis one. But then, Francis is a bore.
- What is poor, overwhelmed Conde is going to do?
Next week March 12: Mary and Conde go off for a romantic interlude, while he still looks nauseous. Antoine warns Conde that Francis will find a way to kill him for this.
P.S. MISSING: PASTRY BOY