Fix: You Are A “Jennifer Lopez Wedding Movies” Completionist, You Enjoy Watching Two People Make Stupid Decisions Til Death Do Them Part
Platform: Amazon Prime
Prime Summary:
Darcy and Tom gather their families for the ultimate destination wedding but when the entire wedding party is taken hostage the bride and groom must save their loved ones—if they don’t kill each other first.
FYA Summary:
Darcy and Tom are a bougie couple with communication issues, so in a gender-role reversal Tom throws himself into the little wedding details while Darcy tries to connect with him via sex so they can avoid what is really going on: Darcy’s fear of commitment because of her parents’ marital problems.
Their big day almost gets derailed by a huge argument, but they have to put their differences aside when their friends and family are forced by pirates to stand for hours in wet fancy attire in the hotel pool. Darcy and Tom are their loved ones only chance for rescue (unfortunately for all of them).
Familiar Faces:
Jennifer Lopez as Darcy and Josh Duhamel as Tom
In terms of chemistry, I think Josh and Jennifer had a better vibe than Jennifer and Owen in her most recent previous rom-com. Maybe because this falls into more of what JLo knows IRL (weddings and dating baseball players). Say whatever you want about Jennifer, but we can’t deny that she has amazing genes, a better workout ethic than most of us, and a keen eye on which expensive beauty fads will enhance and not harm. Josh was…there.
There’s a lot of big names in this movie, and I can imagine that perhaps shooting on location on a beautiful island resort may have been a bit of a draw for some, because it certainly wasn’t their meaty character backstories. Jennifer Coolidge can sometimes be a bit “much” for me, but she was utilized well here, and wasn’t too over-the-top as Tom’s Midwestern mama.
Lenny Kravitz as Sean, Cheech Marin as Robert, and D’Arcy Carden as Harriet
See what I mean about big faces?! You’ve got Lenny playing JLo’s hot ex, Cheech as her mega-rich dad, and D’Arcy as his yoga-teacher younger girlfriend. I did appreciate how Lenny refused to wear a full shirt for the entire movie.
Selena Tan as Margy and Alberto Isaac as Ace
These two run the resort and also get to have in on some of the movie’s action.
Couch-Sharing Capability: This Guest List Is A Free-For-All
You need to watch this with at least one other someone else so you’re not just pointing out the ridiculousness to yourself. I roped a friend into watching it with me, someone who generally has a higher tolerance for movie shenanigans than I do, but even she, at one point, was like, “Wait, there’s forty more minutes of this?!”
Recommended Level of Inebriation: Every Wedding Is Better With An Open Bar
Get the tropical and fruity signature drink or go “wedding classic” with some bubbly, but either way you’ll probably want to Bottoms Up! during scenes like Darcy fainting after seeing blood from a COMPLETELY PREVENTABLE accident she totally caused (how is a deli slicer a better option than a kitchen knife to cut plastic handcuffs, I ASK YOU?) or when they spend all their time they could be running away arguing about how to execute a stupid plan and hide in basically plain sight.
Use of Your Streaming Subscription: I’d Like An Annulment
Yes, I demand a lot from my rom-coms, namely that they be romantic and comedic. A plot that’s entertaining and not just a series of unfortunate events where the two main yahoos manage to survive despite their inability to whisper or be subtle. And maybe I’m just being a stick-in-the-mud, but I don’t think I could still get married on the day my wedding was ambushed and I had to murder a bunch of pirates in order to free my loved ones from captivity. Like, yes, it does make it easier to remember your anniversary…but at what cost?
My absolute favorite part of this movie, though, was the level of DETAIL these pirates put into their masks. Waste money on Walmart-level black cotton ski masks so we can all look the same? AU CONTRAIRE. That is for simpletons! Feast your eyes on these beauts coming straight out of the Arts & Crafts tent back at their pirate camp:
Soda pop tab man: HOW IS THIS PRACTICAL?? The care that bottle-cap man put into those evenly spaced strings of caps lets me know he is a person who thinks of the details. And I can just picture zip-tie(?) guy carefully using a macrame hook to add all those spikes to his mask so he could look like some kind of PG-13 Pinhead from Hellraiser.
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