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Title: Destination Wedding
Released: 2018

Fix: Weekend Romance, Keanu, Winona, Destination Wedding, Love/Hate, ’90s Stars, Wine, Unofficial Dracula Sequels
Platform: Netflix

Amazon Summary:

Two people not meant for anyone are brought together by fate and spend the weekend together at a Destination Wedding

FYA Summary:

Two of the most tedious and singularly unlikable people on the planet, meet on the way to a destination wedding in Pasa Robles, and instantly dislike each other. They spend the weekend in California wine country having a series of boring and awkward conversations set amidst a backdrop of wedding events that they ridicule. They never speak to anyone else, which is for the best, considering the only other people at this wedding who could possibly be more awful are the couple who dragged them to the Apple Farm Inn in the first place.

Familiar Faces:

Just look at those babies. 

Keanu Reeves as Frank

Frank is cynical, paranoid, and unbearably pretentious. He’s like the walking embodiment of mansplaining. I don’t even know what’s up with Keanu’s career, y’all The most recent thing I saw him in was John Wick 2, but now he’s apparently doing another one of those and a Bill & Ted reunion? Dude.

Winona Ryder as Lindsay

Lindsay is riddled with idiosyncratic tics, and so lacking in self-confidence that she actually thinks Frank might be relationship material. Winona has most recently been seen in Netflix’s Stranger Things, wherein everyone promptly remembered we love her, and she should work more. And as a lady in her 40’s, it’s always nice to see a romantic lead closer to my age. But maybe not playing a sad one who talks to her houseplants. 

Couch-Sharing Capability: Calling All Misanthropes

They say misery loves company, and these two are all the proof anyone could need. I hope none of you are as miserable as Frank and Lindsay, but if you are, apparently the person to call is that one friend who talks more shit about people than you do. Anyone else will probably just say “WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME WATCH THIS?” And that’s before you get to the incredibly awkward sex scene.

Recommended Level of Inebriation: OH MY GOD, YES

“How does anyone drink wine at 11 o’clock in the morning?” Frank and I are not of the same mind. I watched this stone cold sober, and reader, I have regrets. Keanu and Winona should have opted for more booze, too. Although, maybe Winona was drunk, considering how often she’s seen drinking hotel wine and to-go cups. I’m taking it as a Heathers shout-out.

Veronica: “I don’t really like my friends.”

Use of Your Streaming Subscription: Well, You Won’t See It Anywhere Else

Who doesn’t want more Keanu and Winona on their screens? But God, at what cost? Frank and Lindsay have the most grating meet-cute I’ve ever witnessed, and there’s just no recovering from it. The attempt here seems to be When Harry Met Sally-like antagonistic banter, but without any of the charm. I love rom-coms, and I don’t mind a dark comedy take on them, but the execution here is just so unpleasant. Sometimes, unlikable characters can be refreshing, especially in a genre that tends towards bland perfectionism. But these two aren’t even anti-heroes. They’re that person you’re stuck next to on a plane who just WILL NOT SHUT UP. I would rather have had a movie about the real-life Keanu and Winona, who are delightful and have remained friends for 25 years. At least there’s something to root for there. 

You now have my permission to just go and re-watch Set It Up, which never disappoints.

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Kandis (she/her) is a proud member of the Austin FYA book club chapter who loves vampires, romance novels, live tweeting CW shows, and Jonah Griggs. She’s not like a regular mom. She’s a cool mom.