Fix: Superheroes, moody shizz, brooding RPatz
Platforms: HBO Max
HBO Max Summary:
From Warner Bros. Pictures comes Matt Reeves’ The Batman, starring Robert Pattinson in the dual role of Gotham City’s vigilante detective and his alter ego, reclusive billionaire Bruce Wayne.
FYA Summary:
From the co-creator of Felicity comes a blockbuster film featuring stars from the biggest YA franchises: Twilight, The Hunger Games, and Divergent. Welcome to The Batman(gst)! (Seriously, y’all, I haven’t seen a broodier dude since Robert Pattinson was Edward Cullen.)
So in this, the eleventieth reboot of the Batman story, we have Bruce Wayne, a rich orphan badly in need of a haircut, who not only fights crime in Gotham as the Batman but is, like, a straight up detective, walking into crime scenes and touching evidence (don’t worry, he always has gloves on, but who knows how much shizz he breaks with that cape). He creeps out all of the cops with the exception of Lt. James Gordon, who for some reason trusts this huge, lurking, masked man, and together they set out to find the Riddler, a TOTAL weirdo who has started killing corrupt people in the city and posting videos about it. In the course of his investigation, Bruce/Batman meets Selina Kyle, a mega hot, badass cat lady entangled with the mob. The two are immediately (?) attracted (?!) to each other, but as the Riddler body count rises, they begin to disagree on what vigilante justice truly means.
Familiar Faces:
Robert Pattinson as Bruce Wayne / The Batman
See what I mean about the hair?!! This film is a true f*ck you to Twihards, because you either get RPatz looking like a greasy incel OR you get the chin of RPatz underneath, frankly, a super dumb mask. While I think Pattinson is an extremely talented actor, he is constrained in this film by the aforementioned mask and the fact that for some reason*, his character is forced to whisper every. single. line.
*Any Felicity fan knows the reason is Matt Reeves—just think about how much Ben always mumbled!
Zoë Kravitz as Selina Kyle / Catwoman
I heartily applaud this casting! Zoe is sleek, sexy, and tough AF in the role of Catwoman, but she also exudes a vulnerability that makes her character complex and compelling. I just wish she and RPatz had more chemistry together. Y’all are both hot! What’s the problem here?!
Jeffrey Wright as Lt. James Gordon
Man I love Jeffrey Wright. He makes for a very upstanding Lt. Gordon, and I’m rooting for him and Batman to exchange BFF charms in the next movie.
Andy Serkis as Alfred
Is Andy Serkis my favorite Alfred? No, he is not. But this is a Matt Reeves joint, so Andy is required by law to be in it, and he’s fine.
Paul Dano as The Riddler
Sometimes I feel bad for Paul Dano, because how much does it suck to be this good at playing extremely creepy dudes? Then I remember that he gets paid for it, so gimme back my sympathy, Paul! Anyway, he’s insanely unsettling as the Riddler, giving major Capitol Riot vibes which is, like, the worst kind of heebie jeebies.
Colin Farrell as Oz / The Penguin
Pop quiz, hotshot! Who is easier to identify, Paul Dano wearing a mask or Colin Farrell with a shizz ton of prosthetics on? And the bigger question: why?!!! I’m a huge fan of Colin Farrell, but why not just cast an excellent character actor, save yourself 10 hours in the makeup trailer, and call it a day? Then again, this film is clearly not interested in saving anyone (including its viewers) time, so yeah.
Couch-Sharing Capability: Mandatory
Y’all, this movie is THREE HOURS LONG. And it is not in a hurry to do… anything, especially anything involving bright light, so unless you’re just looking to get some extra zzz’s on the couch, I highly recommend watching The Batman with at least one other person so that you can keep each other awake. It’s also helpful to be able to turn to someone and ask, “What did he just whisper?” because this question will come up a multitude of times.
Recommended Level of Inebriation: It’s a Riddle!
This isn’t the kind of film that requires intense concentration, so having a few cocktails won’t prevent you from grasping the mere handful of plot points. Plus, you’re really going to need something to pass the time. However! You don’t want to reach that drunky drunk sleepy phase, because then it’s good night, Batman.
With that said, here’s an easy drinking game: take a sip every time you hear “Ave Maria.” That’s literally all you need to get nice and toasty.
Use of Your Streaming Subscription: Tedious
Sure, some might call The Batman atmospheric, but that’s just a code word for SNOOZEVILLE. Give me Michael Keaton getting nuts, give me Christian Bale swallowing gravel between lines—hell, I’ll even take Val Kilmer palling around with Chris O’Donnell—just give me a Batman who takes action! While there are a few fight scenes sprinkled through this movie, it’s mostly jam-packed with depression and ennui, and it wasn’t until the grand finale that I actually woke sat up and felt the first flickers of excitement. (Don’t even get me started on that deleted scene with the Joker, like, this is riveting why? NOBODY CAN HOLD A CANDLE TO HEATH, STOP TRYING.)
I was really rooting for you, RPatz, but if you want me to watch the next installment, you have to swear to get a haircut and stop feeling bad for yourself, mmmkay?
