Drinks Taken: 11
Welcome back to the Dawson’s Creek Rewatch Project, where Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla are doing their best to sort out the romantic dysfunction of Dawson’s Crew. Good luck, fellas.
Let’s drink to celebrity crushes! I also used to have a thing for Dr. Drew, Audrey. Alas, we were both wrong.
The Dawson’s Creek Drinking Game
Drink Once every time:
Joey purses her mouth or chews on her lip
Joey tucks her hair behind her ear
Sex makes Dawson and/or Joey extremely uncomfortable
Grams says “Jennifaaah”
Pacey wears a shirt that makes you want to blind yourself
Audrey declares something risqué or insane with utter confidence
Drink Twice every time:
You have literally no idea why Joey is mad
Pacey gives someone a really good hug
Cool Jen Lindley is totally crapped on by the universe
Onto the episodes!
Audrey’s back from rehab. Aww, I’m glad. So’s Joey. Eddie? Less so.
But also Eddie can screw off, and shortly does. So Audrey’s returned just in time to be there for the live Loveline filming at Worthington College, to benefit Jen and CJ’s peer counseling program. If you’re not middle-aged, like me, you may not know what Loveline is, so allow me to refer to Wikipedia here:
Loveline is a podcast, formerly a syndicated radio call-in program in North America, offering medical and relationship advice to listeners, often with the assistance of guests, typically actors and musicians. Its host through most of its run was Dr. Drew Pinsky, who would be paired with a radio personality… [including comedian] Adam Carolla in October 1995, as the show was first being syndicated nationally… Carolla and Pinsky would go on to host the show together until Carolla’s departure in November 2005.
It was super popular in my high school to college years, right around when this episode of Dawson’s Creek aired. So the fellas guest star, just in time to sort out the romantic problems of everyone on Dawson’s Creek except Dawson himself, who doesn’t even show up in this episode because James Van Der Beek can’t be bothered with his eponymous show’s final season.
Okay, here’s why everyone needs some ASAP Loveline assistance:
* Joey and Eddie aren’t having sex, and Eddie’s very anxious and obnoxious about it, constantly pressuring Joey, who doesn’t want to talk about it. He keeps asking her “Why won’t you get with me?” and it makes me laugh so hard. But also he’s terrible.
* Jen and CJ still hate each other. She abruptly dumps him and he’s baffled as to why, except the reason is clearly that they hate each other.
* A cute boy named Fred flirts with both David and Jack, but only Jack is receptive. David is PISSED.
So here’s how the live Loveline show fixes or doesn’t fix everyone’s problems. (Important note: Jen started hosting until she wigged and fled the stage and Audrey took over, and Audrey’s obvs WAY better at it because Audrey was born to be onstage.)
* Carolla and Pinksy read Eddie the riot act. Obviously the reason Joey won’t “get with” Eddie is that she doesn’t trust him because he keeps bailing on her. He promises to earn her trust, a promise he promptly breaks in exactly one episode’s time. Remind me why you dumped Pacey for this jabroni, Joey?
* Dr. Drew gets Jen to admit that she only dumped CJ because she’s worried about Grams, and pushed him away because she fears more abandonment. Also, because he sucks. And we learn here that CJ and Jen have been together for “several months,” which just does not feel accurate.
* Nothing gets resolved with David and Jack. David demands an apology, Jack feels he’s overreacting, and they end the episode on bad terms. Bummer.
Oh yeah, and Audrey? She keeps going on about what a giant crush she has on Dr. Drew, who felt VERY crushworthy back in 2003 but has turned out to be dramatically less so.
But when Audrey finally gets some one-on-one time with him, she really just wants some mild therapy, and to tell him that Loveline helped get her through rehab. Aww, man. Welcome back, Audrey.
How many times did I have to drink?
Rudest pop culture reference
Jen’s nervous about the hosting gig, and CJ jokes that she can be the new Ryan Seacrest: “You could borrow one of his man-blouses.” Don’t be crude, CJ. (Although I get a whiff of Dean Winchester here, it must be said.)
Joey, to Eddie: “Will you stop saying ‘get with me’? You’re creeping me out.”
Adam Carolla says he’s there to “scrape up a little co-ed tail” and I think my vagina just shuddered.
Oof, okay. Pacey’s at Peak Terrible as this episode opens, having sex with Sadia Shaw and then bragging about it to his colleagues, and giving this disgusting pep talk to his underlings:
Good morning, gentlemen. I had sex with a beautiful woman last night. Now, this should not have happened. She was way out of my league, and I even like to think that I’m a fairly handsome guy, but I’m not that handsome, and I like to think that I’m pretty good in bed, but I’m not that good. How does something like that happen? I’ll tell you. I’m 20 years old, and I am doing exactly what I was put on this earth to do. I am making money, hand over fist, faster than I know how to spend it. And let’s tell the truth. You all came here today because you’re trying to escape the miserable bottom-feeding existence that you’ve been living that has denied you what is rightfully yours. If you want this for yourselves, you can have it. But I’m here to tell you, you will get your asses kicked on a daily basis, but you will learn. And ultimately, you will do what you were put on this earth to do, which is make money. Now, if any of you are still interested in this proposition, be here 9 A.M. sharp Monday morning. If you are late, do not come into my building. Turn around, go home, and prepare yourselves for a life in retail. I’ll see you then.
I HATE STOCKBROKER PACEY. But don’t worry, he’s dead. So that stock he’s spent the past several months promoting to all of his clients, including Dawson? It’s a bust. All of Pacey’s clients are broke, and so is Pacey, because he stupidly invested everything other than $300 in this one stock. You’re bad at life, Pacey. He’s depressed and anxious and feels really guilty, especially about the Dawson stuff. He calls all of his clients and tells them, leaving Dawson for last, but before he gets to that he gets in a fight with Rich and punches him in the office and breaks several computers, like a maniac. So now he’s out of a job, and he ends the episode outside of Dawson’s house, gearing up to give him the bad news. Jeez, Pacey.
Other stuff that happened in this episode:
* Eddie wants to go backpacking across Europe with Joey, and she loves the idea, but just wants to figure out some practical stuff first. Because Eddie is a GIANT BABY and a TOTAL FLAKE, the fact that she doesn’t immediately pack up her backpack and go makes him mad and he dumps her via letter and disappears forever. I can’t even spend much time talking about this, because it’s too dumb and makes me too mad. SEE YA, EDDIE. Also, Joey’s aced her Hetson final and she’s done with his class, but now she asks him to be her advisor because she kinda likes the grouch. God knows why!
* Jack’s trying to make up with David, and David isn’t making it the easiest thing in the world, but he does seem open to the idea. But when they’re supposed to meet up, David walks in to find Jack flirting with ANOTHER boy, because Jack clearly isn’t ready to be exclusive. David breaks up with him sadly. Aww. I’ll miss you, David.
* Audrey’s flunking out of Worthington, which really just means she needs to go to summer school, but she intends to negotiate her way out of it like so much Cher Horowitz.
How many times did I have to drink?
The wisest thing anybody said this week
When Jack tells Jen he thinks he’s just destined to be alone, she responds: “I don’t think that everybody meets the love of their life when they’re a teenager. Or when they’re 25. Or even when they’re 35. But that doesn’t mean that you stop looking and hoping. You know, ’cause you will meet that person, and when you do, I guess you know it.”
The grossest thing anybody said this week
Literally everything Pacey said before finding out he’s broke, especially in regards to having sex with Sadia.
That’s it for this week! Almost nothing happened! What a couple of pre-finale wheel spinners. Meet us here next Wednesday morning for the PENULTIMATE EVER Dawson’s Creek Rewatch Project, as we cover “Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road” and “Joey Potter and Capeside Redemption.”