Title: Gilmore Girls S3.E10 “That’ll Do, Pig”
Gilmore Girls S3.E11 “I Solemnly Swear”
Gilmore Girls S3.E12 “Lorelai Out of Water”
Released: 2003
Series:  Gilmore Girls

Drinks Taken: 24
Cups of Coffee: 20

Last week, on Gilmore Girls

We’ve reached Week 18 of our Rewatch Project, the point at which Dean and Jess switch places in the Who’s Making Whom Jealous Contest. No cute boys ever fought over me when I was in high school, so join me as I live vicariously through this delicious development!

But first – a reminder of our drinking game rules.

Emily, Lorelai, and Rory Gilmore all with drinks in their hands

The Gilmore Girls Drinking Game Rules

Drink once every time:

Lorelai or Rory drinks coffee.
Emily gets flustered by Lorelai’s bizarre sense of humor.
Sookie is controlling about food.
Paris is controlling about anything.
Michel snubs a customer.
Luke is crotchety.
Taylor has an absurd scheme for Stars Hollow.
The girls acquire massive amounts of food and then fail to take even one bite.

Drink twice every time:

Kirk has a new job.
You see a town troubadour.
Emily gets a new maid. 

On to the episodes!

3.10 “That’ll Do, Pig”

Okay, here’s the deal. These three episodes include one hell of a lot of Francie, the diabolical ginger who heads The Puffs and who is now making fiendish political machinations under Paris’ rule as Student Body President. And I truly and wholly do not give one single rat’s crap about Francie. She’s a weak villain played by an irritating actress, so I’m going to skim over all of that stuff, okay?

So yadda yadda, Francie’s trying to move in on Paris who is all wonderfully moony and distracted because of Jamie. (He told her he loved her over Christmas! She can’t wait to go back for Easter break and continue arguing theology with his aging grandfather.) Yadda yadda, Rory sticks up for Paris and that part’s great. The rest is dumb.

Dean is being smart for once! He’s acting very mature around Rory, politely returning her belongings and asking if they can still be friends. He tells her he’s applying to a four-year college, which of course thrills that sweet little slacker-motivator down to her overachieving soul, and he makes pleasant small talk that doesn’t feel like flirting. Of course, what he’s REALLY trying to do is win her back, and while I don’t want him to succeed, I approve of his savvy methods.

Jess is showing glimpses of the crappy boyfriend he will always be by refusing to even entertain the thought of attending the Stars Hollow Winter Carnival with Rory, until they run into Dean and his little sister Clara, and Jess realizes that Rory will end up hanging out with them all night. So he tags along grumpily, spending the entire night saying rude things to Clara and reminding me why I don’t really like him very much most of the time. Dean remains pleasant – until Jess takes him aside and says, “You don’t think I know what you’re doing? You don’t think it’s so pathetically transparent?”, to which Dean coolly replies, “Rory and I are just friends, just like you and Rory were just friends. And hey, look how it turned out for you.”

And even though I think Rory can do better than both of these yahoos, and they’re kind of being gross and treating her like a trophy, I must admit that I thrill a little at this scene every time I watch it, because two hot dudes are fighting over Rory! Of course, she’s clueless, telling Lorelai that Dean’s just her friend and Jess is totally fine with it, a statement that Lorelai and I find adorably naive.

Finally, Lorelai the First drops by to surprise Richard on his birthday (and trump poor Emily’s humidor gift with a better humidor), and she tells a thrilled Richard, a dismayed Emily and an amused Lorelai that she’ll be moving to Connecticut permanently! Emily wigs and wigs for days, until Lorelai gives her the best advice anyone has ever given anyone in the history of mothers and mothers-in-law: she should learn to be amused by Trix’s disapproval, she should even take pleasure in it, the way Lorelai has learned to do with Emily. Emily (the pupil) soon surpasses Lorelai (the master) by taking forty-five minutes to eat a green bean while Trix, who likes to eat at a brisk pace, grows increasingly enraged. Lorelai is pleased. “That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

How many times do I have to drink?


How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?


Flirtation quota

Even while Jess is being a jerk and summarily dismissing Rory’s sweet Winter Carnival proposal, he’s doing so by making out with her super hotly.

Best/most dated pop culture reference

YOU GUYS. Korn has been leasing Trix’s Hartford house. KORN!!! Apparently, “They were fine tenants. Took wonderful care of the place. They planted some lovely tulips in the front yard.”

Sookie’s best dish of the episode

She goes all out for Trix’s visit to the Inn, including individual chocolate amaretto mousse cakes in the shape of a G! Trix is very impressed with the food, but less so with Sookie’s klutziness. I, on the other hand, will never stop laughing at this gif.

Lorelai’s craziest outfit

She wears this hideous, purple, paisley, enormously-belted shirt with the distinct intention of dressing nice for Trix. I wish we’d seen Trix’s reaction to her choice. 

Kirk insanity

Kirk is apparently a frilly-aproned server at Weston’s (drink!). He offers “various marzipan fruits made by a sect of cloistered nuns in Toledo” as the day’s special.

Michel madness

Michel is greeting a group of Hungarian businessmen at the Inn, and he accidentally says something very bad in Hungarian when he means to say “Welcome.” The businessmen riot and pelt him with breadsticks.

Best Gilmore Gal witticism

She’s not intending to be funny, but I crack up so hard when Rory tells Emily and Lorelai to have a nice time with Trix at dinner, and Emily snaps, “No one appreciates your sarcasm, young lady!”

Random observation

I always, always enjoy seeing Lorelai and Emily band together whenever Trix is around. Emily is so much more human when she’s terrified of her mother-in-law, and Lorelai is always sweet to her, understanding precisely how it feels to know she can’t please her own mother regardless of her efforts or accomplishments. It would be so easy for Lorelai to side with Trix, especially because Trix is always flattering Lorelai and telling her how much she admires her (mostly to annoy Emily, I believe) – but Lorelai is firmly Team Emily.

3.11 “I Solemnly Swear”

Okay, yadda yadda, Francie pulls some shit and convinces Paris that Rory betrayed her. Paris LOSES HER MIND and attacks Rory in fencing class. They are no longer friends. It’s stupid.

Meanwhile, in Stories I Care About news, Emily is being sued by a former maid for wrongful termination. She asks Lorelai to give a deposition stating that Emily is a fair and generous employer, to which Lorelai replies with the exact level of disdain that hilarious statement requires. But she agrees to give the deposition after Emily essentially forces her into it, and then she pulls a Lorelai and says a bunch of inappropriate, rather rude and completely hilarious things. Emily is displeased.

Lorelai and Sookie take a hotel management class at the Radisson, and while it turns out to be totally boring and useless, they do have some fun afterward running into an old kitchen pal of Sookie’s, Joe, and his friend Billy Burke. Sookie and Joe catch up with much enthusiasm while Lorelai and Billy Burke flirt damn near as enthusiastically. Sookie makes innocent plans with Joe to visit the restaurant of a mutual pal and “bust his chops,” but Joe thinks it’s a date. Turns out, he’s been pining after Sookie for ten years, and while Sookie and Lorelai both find that very romantic (“You’re his Daisy!” “I am? I’m his Daisy. I’m someone’s Daisy!”), Sookie still feels guilty about Jackson. She lets Joe down gently and tries to make it up to Jackson, who of course behaves like a crybaby maniac because that’s his thing lately.

Later, Billy Burke calls Lorelai and asks her out for coffee, her favorite kind of date. And that’s it! When you remove all the Francie tedium, hardly anything happens in this episode.

How many times do I have to drink?


How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?


Flirtation quota

You guys, Billy Burke has THE WORST HAIR on this show. He’s charming, sure, but this is his hair.

And while Sookie is a married lady, I, too, find it romantic that she’s someone’s Daisy.

Finally, and this is just a little thing, but I’ll take whatever Luke cuteness I can get – he has to run to the market to pick up more groceries for the diner because Jess naturally forgot to place the food order, so he carefully takes down Lorelai and Rory’s requests so he’ll be sure to have whatever they want on hand.

Best/most dated pop culture reference

In response to the deposition question “Please describe how your mother runs her household,” Lorelai says, “Okay. Well, do you remember the rowing scene in Ben Hur?”

Sookie’s best dish of the episode

Out of guilt, she makes all of Jackson’s favorite dishes: lamb chops with Sicilian olives, rosemary and garlic, a warm potato and chorizo salad, beef jerky, cornbread and fried marshmallow pie for dessert. You can cheat on me any day, Sookie!

Lorelai’s craziest outfit

It’s not the worst offender, but the most frequent: I hate hate hate her jewel-toned satin oxford shirts:

Kirk insanity

He accepted a lettuce sandwich from a grocery-desperate Luke.

Michel madness

This is Michel’s evil, amazing story of the time he was deposed: “My neighbor had this dog, a frisky little scamp that used to love to yap to his friends all night long. It was so cute. Then one day he disappeared. I told the police what I knew, but sadly the adorable little chatterbox was never found. It was tragic.”

Lorelai: “You got rid of a dog?!”

Michel: “No.”

Lorelai: “You got rid of a dog.”

Michel: “I will gladly show you the transcript from the lawyer and the results of the lie detector test.”

Lorelai: “You’re heinous.”

Michel: “And very well rested.”

Best Gilmore Gal witticism

Such a good exchange between Emily and Lorelai about the deposition. When Lorelai says it’s none of her business, Emily: “Oh, and I’m sure the twelve rocket scientists they assemble as a jury of my peers will see it that way.” Lorelai: “Honestly, Mom, I doubt they’ll be able to find twelve people in the state of Connecticut who haven’t been fired by you.”

Random observation

Man, I just really do not care about this Francie stuff. Is it just me? She gets so much screentime these episodes!

3.12 “Lorelai Out of Water”

So yadda yadda, Paris is still furious with Rory and tries unsuccessfully to have her impeached. They fight, they get in trouble with Headmaster Charleston, Rory tries to rise above it, Paris isn’t having it.

Lorelai’s the sweetest and lets Lane’s band practice in her garage (how did Lane end up paying for that drum set, I wonder?). She and Rory clean it out and the band starts practicing there, as Lane and Dave Rygalski try to hide their relationship from the rest of the guys by virtue of Dave acting like a real jerk (with Lane’s approval):

I love how pissed Rory gets until she hears it’s all part of Lane’s plan! Lane and Dave continue to lay the foundation for a Mrs. Kim-approved relationship. She’s warming to Dave more every day, inviting him to sit on their pew at church and asking him to play the guitar at Lane’s cousin’s wedding (at which Lane and Rory are sweetly nostalgic about the other Korean weddings they’ve attended over the years of their friendship). Lane gets Mrs. Kim to agree to prom, as long as Mrs. Kim approves the escort – Lane assumes Dave will be a shoe-in. But then, in front of a crestfallen Dave, Mrs. Kim presents Lane with Young Chui, the Korean date Mrs. Kim has arranged for the prom, and Lane is SO BRAVE and immediately tells her mom that she likes Dave and wants to take him instead. Guys, this is huge. Lane’s always been too chicken to admit to her mother that she likes a boy. Dave must be REALLY important to her (and to us!). Unfortunately, Mrs. Kim’s response is, “He’s not Korean.” Lane and Dave are heartbroken.

Taylor’s deep in construction on his soda shoppe, and he sends over a cute lawyer named Nicole to finalize the paperwork with Luke. Nicole looks like this:

Pretty cute, yeah? She’s a little flirty with Luke, who flirts lightly back, but when Jess urges him (in a typically Jess way, but it’s sweet that he cares) to ask her out, Luke blows him off.

Meanwhile, Billy Burke and his terrible hair are wooing Lorelai with lots of coffee. While making polite and meaningless chitchat, she accidentally says she likes fishing, so he invites her on a fishing date. Luke catches Lorelai and Rory trying to learn how to fish via library book, so he offers to teach Lorelai. He brings over a kiddie pool and a bunch of equipment, and they share the sweetest scene as he takes her through the lesson. Eventually it comes out that she’s learning for a date, and Luke tries to hide his disappointment but Lorelai can’t help but notice. She apologizes for keeping it from him, and he tries to brush it off, and the whole scene is so incredibly fraught with romantic tension and bittersweetness that I rewound it three times, okay? I admit it.

So the next day, when Luke sees Nicole working with Taylor outside the diner, he asks her out to dinner. She’s very pleased. He seems fairly pleased. I, however, am crushed.

How many times do I have to drink?


How many cups of coffee do the Gilmore girls drink?

16! Lorelai goes on a coffee date. They’re tiny espresso cups, however. But still. SIXTEEN.

Flirtation quota

GOOD GOD Lorelai and Luke in that fishing scene. It utterly, completely slays me. I cannot handle it. I CANNOT HANDLE IT. Figure it out, you two! Figure it out right damn now!

lol, also Zack keeps hitting on Lorelai.

Best/most dated pop culture reference

Lorelai brings home the fish she caught and puts it in the bathtub and names her Jayne Mansfield. “Not the brightest fish in the pond, but she’s awfully pretty.”

Sookie’s best dish of the episode

Dang, this cake!

Lorelai’s craziest outfit

I love how proud she is of her new fishing duds! Though I certainly can’t argue with Luke when he tells her she looks ridiculous.

Kirk insanity

Kirk’s working at the beauty supply store now (drink!). He’s quaintly painting the nails of a mannequin hand when Rory compliments him on his nail polish display. “It is fun, isn’t it?” As he’s checking them out, he adds, “I’m also including a few samples, a facial scrub and a honey mask. Very soothing, very healing. Thank you for coming, and call me and tell me how you like that mask.” Gosh, I love that guy.

Michel madness


Best Gilmore Gal witticism

Billy Burke says to Rory before he and Lorelai leave for their date, “Your mom’s never been fishing before, has she?” A sleepy Rory mumbles, “Oh, no, she’s a well-seasoned fish killer.”

Random observation

And thus begins the season of Lane Kim’s liberation. She stood up to her mom! She didn’t even hesitate! She told her loud and clear that she likes a boy. A WHITE boy. It didn’t pan out for her, but it’s the most courageous thing we’ve ever seen her do.

So there you have it, folks! Next week we’re covering “Dear Emily and Richard,” “Swan Song” and “Face-Off,” so get ready for lots of jerky Jess moments next Wednesday morning!

And I leave you with a question, dear FYA readers: is Jackson getting worse, or is it just me? I think I used to like him, but he’s driving me crazy lately. 

Meredith Borders is formerly the Texas-based editor of Fangoria and Birth.Movies.Death., now living and writing (and reading) in Germany. She’s been known to pop by Forever Young Adult since its inception, and she loves YA TV most ardently.