When a shadowy CIA agent uncovers damning agency secrets, he’s hunted across the globe by a sociopathic rogue operative who’s put a bounty on his head.
Look, you and I both know that this section is basically irrelevant for The Gray Man. Does it have a plot? Kinda. Are you watching it for the plot? Absolutely not. You’re tuning into this movie either because it’s jam packed with hot people or because it’s jam packed with long, explosive action sequences (or both). The plot reeeeally doesn’t matter (which is good, because it also really doesn’t make sense).
Ryan Gosling as Six
While I’m WAY more excited to see our boyfriend Ryan as Ken in Barbie, it was still great to see him, period. He’s been away for so long, y’all! And he’s… well, the same as you remember—calm, cool, and fine as hell—and I’m good with that! His character’s stoic demeanor hides a tender side, which I know comes as a complete shock to you, and he gets to do a lot of tough guy shit while somehow keeping his foxy face mostly unscathed. It’s a win for all of us!
Mustachioed Chris Evans as Lloyd Hansen
You can tell that Chris Evans had an absolute blast rocking this mustache and playing the bad guy. While I think he let the facial hair do most of the acting, he’s still a lot of fun in this movie as a totally bonkers, hyper-violent dirtbag.
Ana de Armas as Dani Miranda
Gotta be honest, I didn’t know Ana’s character name until I just looked it up on IMDB. She doesn’t get to do much in the film except look amazing and be a badass in a few fight scenes, but then again, that’s pretty much all anyone does in this movie.
Regé-Jean Page as Carmichael
Okay, so I understand the rule that everyone in The Gray Man had to be smokin’ hot (with the exception of Billy Bob Thornton, whom I will only mention this one time because yuck; related note to the casting director: you know there are like, literally hundreds of attractive older male actors out there, right? What happened here?! Who needs to be fired?!!), but WHY would you cast the Duke of freaking Hastings and then keep him confined to a suit and tie in an office building for the entirety of the film?!! It’s just WASTEFUL.
Couch-Sharing Capability: Extreme to the Max
While you could certainly watch this by yourself, there are loooong stretches of the film with lots of explosions and shooting and punching that you may find tedious after the first two minutes. Having some company will allow you to break up the monotony of the action scenes (I know that sounds like an oxymoron but trust me, there’s only so many times you can watch Ryan Gosling jump out of a window/car/bus/plane) with side convos about Chris Evans’ mustache and other topics completely unrelated to the movie.
Recommended Level of Inebriation: Extreme to the Max
Okay, maybe not like THAT extreme, but I wanted to keep the theme going. If you’re worried that a cocktail or seven will hamper your ability to understand what’s going on, let me assure you, that will not be a problem. In fact, a drinking game is just what this movie needs! I recommend taking a drink every time Chris Evans randomly kills someone for little to no reason and tells his hired assassins that human collateral, i.e. civilian death, is like, no big deal guys. Or just drink any time you’re enjoying the character of Lloyd’s Mustache, which will be often.
Use of Your Streaming Subscription: Extreme to the
Hopefully you’ve surmised by now that this movie is… not a masterpiece. But if you’re a fan of Ryan and/or Chris, it’s easy on the eyeballs and even easier on the brain. Plus it provides an excellent service in reminding you that Knives Out and Drive exist, and that you’re probably overdue for a rewatch!