Last night I had a dream that I was trapped inside the Pretty Little Liars show. Instead of arms, I had a toilet plunger and a wire whisk – so basically I was like a human dalek. I kept trying to give Hanna a hug and tell her it’d all be okay, but my wire whisk would get tangled in her hair. I apologized and tried again; same thing. It was very frustrating and sad.
Okay! Show time!
Previously on Pretty Little Liars! Ali gives girls a friendship bracelet. We need a memorial for Ali! Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is upset and moves out. Fitz is gone. Weird ol’ sisterfucking Toby is a sisterfucker no more. Is Toby dead?
Show. Girls are backstorying about Aria’s family’s spectacular breakup and Alison’s memorial bench thing. Why a bench, I wonder. Does anyone out there want their memory kept alive through something that sweaty tourists sit on and drunk teenage boys piss on? Anyhow.The girls talk about how Alison’s brother, Jason the formerly goth kid, will be attending the memorial bench dedication thingy. Aria’s mom’s gallery got a fountain, with a bowl and five little girls. The girls assemble it all together. This is how they will all remember Alison! Hard stone monolith, full of piss, likely to give you a disease. Yep. Sounds about right.
Flashback! Drink! The girls avec Alison are at the lake, sunning. Hanna’s wearing a sweatshirt, because she is a chubster. Alison tells the girls that she wants to die young and leave a beautiful corpse. Well, you achieved part of that goal. “It’s immortality, my darlings.” Man. How I wish English class would teach Dracula at an earlier age.
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
STEP UP 3D COMMERCIAL!!!!!! NEW MUSIC FROM FLO RIDA!!! Having just been to a wedding featuring the dance party staple, “Low”, I think I’m more excited about that than anything. BOOTS WITH THE FURRRRR! Now I just need another friend to get married! Hurry up, single friends!
Show. Hanna’s house. Hanna’s upset becuase her credit card was declined at the store. Prozzie Mom opens the fridge to reveal it mostly empty. “We need to be more careful about money,” says Prozzie Mom, which in Prozzie Mom talk means that she can’t afford to pay the bills. Well. Looks like someone should bone up on her shoplifting.
Spencer’s house. Jason, brother of Alison, is meeting with the girls about the dead girl bench. He doesn’t strike me as very goth. Jason patronizingly tells the girls that they’ve done good work! There’s just a few things he wants to change, like everything. Jason thinks about all the girls when he thinks of Alison. Really? Not about, like, the day her parents brought her home from the hospital, or that Christmas when she broke her toy within the first few minutes of unwrapping it, so your parents made you give her yours, or something? Whatever, dude. Jason seems hopped up on Red Bull. Also he wants Jenna to speak at the memorial. Jenna apparently told Jason that Alison was a lot of help after her accident. The girls look at each other with alarm. Mostly. Aria, I think, looks at them with meth face.
(According to Jason, Toby is apparently a person of interest in Alison’s murder now. Why? Because he dumped his date off at the hospital? Okaaaay.)
The girls can’t let Jenna speak! She might tell everyone about how Alison – who is a dead girl – blinded her! Or about the sisterfucking! Or about the bazillion other things that really in no way affect these girls, so I don’t know why they get all het up about all these stupid secrets. Spencer is instructed to keep on top of Jason and the memorial. Oh, never instruct Spencer to keep on top of someone. Engagements get broken that way.
School. Aria sees an old Homecoming flyer from last week. Flashback! Drink! To the scene from like TWO WEEKS AGO when she last saw Fitz.
Aria takes down the flyer, glumly. I finish my first glass of wine.
Hallways. Sean the PK is taking Hanna to a Band of Horses gig. If she can get Aria to go with Noel, Sean’s friend, who is the one who actually has the tickets. Hanna promises to try, then flits off to see Lucas in the Journalism Room of Budding Romance.
Em and Maya are sitting on a bench outside, super-flirting. Em would like to go out on a real date. Maya plays coy but ultimately agrees.
Em gets phone call from her mom, as we cut to:
Journalism Room of Budding Romance. Hanna and Lucas are flirting under the guise of working on the yearbook. Aw, Lucas auctioned all his stuff to buy his digital SLR camera. Hanna maybe has an idea to sell some of her stuff as well, and asks for Lucas’s help. Isn’t this the plot of the 40 Year Old Virgin? Will someone be painfully waxed soon?
Em gets off the phone, looking concerned. Or constipated. Really can’t tell. Aria sees her and asks what’s up. It’s Em’s dad. He’s coming home! (He’s been in Afghanistan. I was asked to go to Afghanistan last week, but there’s a bucket issue I’m unsure about. More to the point, a “Your bathroom IS a bucket” issue.)
Spencer’s house. She’s studying, then reaches over to look at Alison’s bracelet, which you may recall the girls found in the woods several weeks ago. Flashback! Drink! Jenna is also at the lake and looking at the girls (unblinded). She doesn’t look too happy to see them. Friends forever!
Present day, Spencer gets a text from A. “Subject: The Dedication. Do it right. I’ll be watching. Just like Tom Sawyer.” Man! Does this mean that someone will be whitewashing some fences? Becky Thatcher would not put up with this bullshit.
Hallways. Hanna is trying to convince Aria to go to Band of Horses. Aria, less than interested, declines. Hanna understands, but NOEL will be there, who Aria apparently used to have a crush on.
Flashback! Drink! Noel is also at the lake. EVERYONE IS AT THIS LAKE! Aria is crushing on Noel. Noel’s cute, rich and brainy. Alison likes ’em older, she says. Well, good luck with that, I guess.
Present day. Aria decides to go to Band of Horses.
Journalism room. Hanna walks in to find Jerk Detective waiting for her. Jerk Detective! We’ve missed your abs!
JD wants to talk to Emily about Toby’s disappearance, and also wants to talk about how upset Jason is that JD hasn’t yet caught Alison’s murderer. JD basically threatens to expose his former relationship with Prozzie Mom if Hanna doesn’t get Jason to back off. Man. I have never seen a more butthurt police officer, not even the one who nearly arrested Sarah and I on Friday.
Library. Jenna’s typing on some sort of brailiPad. I’m playing Angry Birds on an iPad right now! ANGRY BIRDS!!!! Spencerapproaches Jenna. They discuss how different – polished – Jason is now. Spence wants to know what Jenna’s planning to say at the dedication. Jenna wants Spencer and her friends to be punished for all the secrets they’ve kept and lies that they’ve told. Alison was done with them, Jenna says. Apparently because she was afraid of them. Jenna intimates that one of the girls killed Alison. Hell, at this point, I’m ready to give that person a gold freakin’ star.
Bedroom of Emily. She’s getting ready for her daaaaaate. Flashback! Drink! Alison is telling Emily about the Kissing Rock, which lovers have been sneaking off to for hundreds of years. Alison wants to know who Emily’d like to take to the Kissing Rock. She says this all very flirtatiously. Emily blushes. (Psst! Alison! I think the answer begins with an A and ends with an lison!)
Hanna’s house. Sean the PK, Noel, Hanna and Aria are eating pizza, about to go to the concert. The door rings; it’s Lucas. He’s here to drop off some money that he got for selling some of Hanna’s stuff. Aw, Lucas. I love you! Sean the PK is predictably jealous. Hey! Lucas got Hanna over a hundred dollars. Lucas! Come sell my stuff for me!
IT’S TIME FOR THE DATE! Emily and Maya are at the movies, talking about Emily’s dad. Maya asks if she can meet Em’s dad when he ships home. Em is non-affirmative, but then holds Maya’s hand. Aw, you crazy kids.
Spencer’s house. She and Jason are going over final details of the memorial bench dedication. The Memenchication, as I call it. Apparently Toby called Alison at some point before her gruesome death. (Have they even said HOW Alison died?) Jason says Spencer was the only one to ever challenge Alison. To a duel? Jason just wants someone,anyone, convicted for Alison’s death. No one will ever really get closure without that!. I think Jason and Spencer are about to make out. Oh, wait, no. Spencer asks if Jason isn’t concerned with justice? He says no, and also tells her that Alison had told them that Spencer is the one who blinded Toby. Alison, you are such a little shit.
Date. Full on making out now! Popcorn spillage! That’s what I like to see on a date! That’s what I like to do on a date!
Hanna’s house. Aria’s in the kitchen, eating cold pizza. Man. They haven’t left for the gig yet? Noel comes into the kitchen- he just wants to know why Aria’s mad at him. Aria is upset; it’s not Noel, it’s her. And also Fitz (who Hanna still thinks is a secret Icelandic hockey player). Noel realizes the time is not right for making it with Aria. just then, Aria gets an SOS text from Spencer.
Spencer’s house. All the girls are there, having received her SOS text. Sometimes I think Spencer really abuses the SOS.This isn’t D-Day, Spence. She’s reiterating to the girls what Alison told Jason. They’re upset.
Show. Prozzie Mom opens the fridge and sees all the food that Hanna bought with her auction money. Aw, Hanna. Hanna explains to Prozzie Mom where the money came from; Prozzie Mom doesn’t want to Hanna to do stuff like this. Hanna kind of liked it, but Prozzie Mom is not good with saying thank you.
The Memenchication. Spencer is ready to give her eulogy, and a boy walks in. It’s Egan Ian, Melissa’s former boyfriend (who Spencer kissed). This has no basis for the rest of the show, so presume it will be relevant at some later date. Spencer, Hanna, et al, eulogize Alison in various passive-aggressive ways. Blah blah, Alison’s a cow, but had a nice laugh, etc, the end.
It’s Jenna’s turn to speak. girls are worried. Jenna says that once bad things happen to us, the useless things fall away, and we learn who we really are. Brotherfuckers? Alison was strong, Jenna says, and that’s her legacy. Jenna does not out the girls.
Spencer’s house. The Memenchication is over, and Jason + the girls are recouping. Jason wants the girls to have something – Alison’s friendship bracelet. Bwah? APPARENTLY someone made a copy of Alison’s bracelet – and made sure the girls would find it in the woods. WHO COULD IT BE? Gee, I don’t know. MAYBE THE SAME PERSON WHO HAS BEEN TEXTING YOU ALL SEASON?
Credits. The Alison Is A Dead Girl Who Really Sucked Ass Memorial Bench has candles aglow. Our favorite gloved hand is holding a shovel, and using it to break several tiles. Drama! Intrigue! Or Something!
We’re entering the final countdown, folks! Only two more weeks!