What’s up my cat-people lovers! For those of you who have been reading Erin’s posts, you might know that ABC Family just premiered a new show called The Nine Lives of Chloe King, based on a YA series about a girl who discovers she is descended from an ancient race of people with cat powers. I will be recapping the series here on FYA because
I want ABC Family to give me an iPad too I love cats and bizarre teen television. And this has both in spades. So let’s begin!
And we start off with some not-at-all-cliched jilted shots of a girl running from mysteriously danger. I’m assuming the girl in question is the titular Chloe King. We have also given ourselves a location (San Francisco!) because Chloe is running toward Coit Tower. I’m a bit confused as to what the danger is here, since it’s broad daylight, in a popular and busy park. Like, if you just run next to a group of people with cell phones, you’re probably safe. Because, people tend not to hurt people in front of large groups of strangers. Sure, it happens, but it’s considerably less likely.
But since Chloe is a fictional character with fictional character logic (unlike my completely superior real people logic), she obviously wants to run all the way to the top of the (mysteriously and unrealistically abandoned) Coit Tower. Because cornering yourself is good? She reaches the top… and so does her pursuer. Her pursuer has no name but clearly needs no name because he has interesting scars (cat scratches?) on his face. And ScarFace pushes Chloe right off the damn tower. Splat!
And now it’s time for the intro, which is approximately five seconds long. Was that it? They’re really going to have to expand on that one. It was pretty much one shot of Chloe doing what I shall hence forth refer to as the cat pose.
The words on the screen inform us it is 2 days earlier. It’s morning and Chloe is having trouble waking up. Hey, I hate waking up in the morning too! I already feel like I totally can relate to/have a spiritual connection with our heroine. Chloe tries to leave the house without eating breakfast. Chloe! If someone makes you breakfast (free breakfast!), you eat it! Lady who I assume is Chloe’s mother wants Chloe to sit down and tell her about her life. Chloe begrudgingly indulges her. Now, here’s what I don’t get about fictional teenagers. Fictional teenagers’ parents are always wanting to cook them meals and find out about their lives. If when I was a teenager, my parents ever cooked me food OR had any interest in my life, whatsoever, or GOD FORBID both of these things at the same time?! It would have been so surreal, I certainly would have died, white haired, of shock. So why are fictional teenagers always rejecting the things that make parents good parents! I will eat your home cooked meals for you teenagers!! You can give me your parents!
More San Francisco scenic shots to confirm our location. Chloe and her two friends are sitting and JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH, WHAT IS THAT GIRL WEARING. Chloe’s friend. Is wearing. A FULL FUCKING FUR COAT. I just. I can’t even. There are so many things wrong with this. When is it ever cold enough in San Francisco for that coat? And what the hell kind of San Francisco SIXTEEN year old would be wearing that. Normal 16 year olds would be trying to force their parents to be vegans and day dreaming about growing up to work for PETA. Chloe’s friend, don’t make me link you a video of what the Chinese do to those raccoon dogs. Oh, I never.
Well, back to the show. Chloe has approximately two friends. One of whom is the fur coat girl who I will now hate, forever and always. Apparently her name is Amy. The other is the token virginal, nerd male sidekick. The Xander, if you will. His name is Paul and he’s going to have to do a lot of work to balance out the suck vortex that is the animal skinner.
Chloe’s friends ask her what she wants for her birthday. Chloe doesn’t want to be so BORING anymore. So, you want to be exciting Chloe? Why don’t you start a blog and write recaps of television shows based off of YA novels? Because that’s what some of the most interesting and awesome people I know do. No, not dangerous enough? Clit piercing then? And us folks in the audience get to have a little chuckle to ourselves because we already know that Chloe’s life is gonna get crazy. Like, falling off a tower go SPLAT crazy.
Oh no. When Chloe said “something dangerous”, what she actually meant was go to a club/bar where some skeevy dudes can rub their boners up against your butt. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what my friends at age 16 thought was cool as well. Some things never change. Sigh.
Chloe finds with a guy with carefully waxed/manicured eyebrows to dance with. Chloe makes a face while dancing that I (and probably everyone else in the world) always make while drunk/dancing. It’s something like a smirk and a pucker combined. Manicured eyebrows’ real name is Xavier. Chloe decides to kiss him. Good for your Chloe! However, I feel the need to point out that this is Chloe’s first kiss. She’s made a point of mentioning, a couple of times now, that no guys ever notice or like her, ever. Oh, television. Please stop pretending that people conventionally beautiful enough to star in television shows are Forever Aloners. Boys didn’t like me in high school. I demand to be given my own television show!
Oh snap! ScarFace has been watching her this whole time! And we the audience totally know he is going to kill her. And soon!
It’s the next day and we’re at school with Chloe and Animal Carcass. They are talking when a blonde douchenstein starts throwing a basketball at Chloe’s head. Chloe grabs the ball and tosses it, very far, into a trash can. Everyone seems super impressed, but really, it could have just been a lucky shot. Also, is shooting hoops a cat power?
It’s later and WHOA, the McDouche is back and he pushes Chloe against the wall and kinda, sorta wall-assaults her. Dude, save your boners for the club! Okay, then he SMELLS Chloe. Chloe makes some small talk about balls, which like, GIRL GET THE FUDGE OUT. He leans in for a kiss until…boner blocked by a mysterious brunette. This mystery girl let’s us know that Herr Douche’s real name is Alec. Thanks! Now can any of you tell me what the hell his accent is supposed to be?
Chloe’s at her after school job, which is a hip vintage clothing boutique. Of course. Apparently one of her new cat powers is super sonic hearing. A cute boy walks into the store! Some of you may know him as one of the many cute boys from Friday Night Lights, but he is new to me. He starts flirting with Chloe and tries on a cat hat. I’d like to point out that I have a real cat hat. With cat ears and eyes and it is much cooler. Cat hat’s name is Brian.
Walking out of the store (apparently lost in a reverie about hoping to make Cat Hat’s the third boner she’s had rubbed against her in the last 24 hours), Chloe almost runs into a bike and cat jumps out of the way. She’s so impressed with herself that she doesn’t even bother to apologize to the man she almost killed. Cue a running, jumping, acrobatics montage.
Chloe’s at dinner with Fido Skins who has exchanged her flesh for a suit jacket. At least Chloe dresses okay? Small favors. Amy tells Chloe she made out with Paul and UHHHHHH the screeching. Dear god, the screeching from these girls. We’re going to have to move on.
Cut to Chloe’s mom who is a TOTAL sad sack and has dressed up for her daughter’s birthday. Chloe’s on her way home when a homeless man pretty much tries to bush-jump-rape her. Good thing she has these newfangled cat claws! Better than mace!
Sad sack mom continues in her attempt to win the sad sack of the year award by opening a bottle of red wine for herself. We do, however, get a little background information out of her. Chloe’s dad left 10 years ago! Chloe was adopted from the Ukraine! Her parents were completely shady and more or less bought Chloe on the baby black market! Chloe’s mom really seems to need a friend her own age. Can someone please watch some Sex and the City DVDs with this woman?
Next day and we’re back to Amy and Chloe. The fur coat is back! And it’s combined with a pink knit rasta cap. Amazing. Amy proceeds to call manicured eyebrows from Chloe’s phone because she’s an awful friend. I’m sure she thinks she’s doing Chloe a favor. Like, I’ve found someone to press a boner against me through their jeans. I just want Chloe to have the same thing in her life! And with that, we have a wacky cut to the dead body of a guy who used to be a living body with expertly shaped eyebrows. Ruh roh!
Brian Cat Hat has come back to be awkwardly sheepish and adorable. He asks Chloe to coffee. We cut to them talking over coffee and Chloe is LITERALLY TELLING THIS GUY SHE JUST MET ABOUT HER DADDY ISSUES. She’s all, my dad left us, but it’s okay… Jesus, Chloe, you don’t need to make it that obvious for the guy! A dog walks by and freaks out on Chloe. Cause dogs hate cats, get it?
Chloe is walking back through the park and HEY it’s the scene we saw at the beginning of the show. You know, the one were she stupidly runs past crowds of people, in daylight, all the way to the top of a tower so she can get pushed off? And amazingly, it all plays out exactly the same as the first time we watched it!
Chloe gets pounced on by Alec and the mysterious brunette. They are cat people too! They are Mai, offspring of the Egyptian goddess Bastet. They tell Chloe more about their people and HOLY CRAP the Mai can’t be intimate/have sex with humans?! THIS IS JUST LIKE IN CAT PEOPLE, the most terrifying movie Malcolm McDowell has ever been in (which is quite a feat!) The cat people in this movie couldn’t have sex with humans or they would TEAR THEM APART FOR NOMS. So they could only mate with their brother/sister. I refuse to believe the author of these books is not a secret fan of Cat People. Just… watch that movie. And get back to me. And tell me if you’re still the same person you were before seeing it. There is no going back.
Thinking about Malcolm McDowell trying to rape his cat-sister has distracted me from the fact that Chloe totes killed Waxed McEyebrows by making out with him. Whoopies! She also learns that ScarFace is part of “The Order”, a mysterious and shadowy cult out to kill the Mai. After learning that Chloe died earlier that day, her Mai brethren believe she must be “The Uniter.” I’m not sure exactly what the means except that she is some sort of Super Mai and gets nine lives.
Chloe has the classic I just want to be a normal girl freak out (not what you were saying two days ago, Chloooe!) and storms off. Why can’t fictional tv characters ever just embrace their destiny. If someone came up to me right now and said Megan, you have a super cool and dangerous destiny and your whole world is about to change I would say cool, does this mean I don’t have to go to work anymore?
ScarFace talks to another mysterious guy in a car. Their conversion is all Blah, Blah, kill Chloe! ScarFace kidnaps Paul so Chloe and Alec and Jasmine (as the mysterious Mai brunette is apparently named) go to rescue him. Insert fight scenes. Everyone lives and runs away because it’s only the first episode so no one can die yet. Boo.
Brian Cat Hat goes home and WAIT IS HIS DAD THE GUY FROM THE CAR?? Cat Hat’s dad wants to kill Chloe? Chloe checks her email and receives an message from her long lost dad:
TRUST NO ONE – DAD
Wow, least helpful advice ever, DAD! No one? Not even her mom? Not virgin Paul? Not Animal Skins? Like, DAD, you haven’t even been AROUND in ten years, you don’t even know who Chloe hangs out with. It’s actually IMPOSSIBLE to not trust anyone AT ALL. With no allies, she will be killed. GREAT advice, daaaad.
And that’s it for this week! Those of you who watched it, what did you all think? Likes, dislikes, favorite characters? Will you all be tuning in next week? How are Chloe and Cat Hat Brian gonna make things work?? Ancient Egyptian magical lip smackers? Erin told me I had to post something about Chloe’s baby shoes. Apparently they have something to do with the Nine Paths game and Chloe’s back story. Any theories?? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?