Previous episode: “Responsible”
Everyone, everyone, everyone! Who would have ever thought that we would make it this far? We made it through drug deals and underground gabling rings. We survived human trafficking and Brian’s temper tantrums. All to get to this point — the season finale of Chloe King! I have been told someone dies! Who will it be? And any word on whether this show has been renewed or not? But what are we waiting for? To the recap!
Oh, before we get to the show, I have some Very Important Business to attend to. Last week, I asked you all to help me name the show’s coffee shop bookstore and vintage clothing boutique. So from now on I will refer to the coffee shop bookstore as The Creeper Bean (thank you, Alix) and vintage clothing boutique (which I guess already had a name, but I didn’t know it) as Brian’s Closet (thank you, girl with freckles).
Chloe and Alek together in a photobooth. Awww, I say, awww! They are super adorable together, so this being television and all, they are obviously doomed for failure. Amy and Paul are there too. Double date! Jasmine and Zane are there too. Triple date! WAIT, didn’t we just discover that Zane is probably evil? Anyway, everyone is on a triple date at the carnival. Amy tells Chloe that life is so much easier now that they’re both a couple. O rly, Amy? Because it was just SO difficult for you to hang out with your friend who DARES to be single at the ripe old age of 16. Chloe being single was SO HARD ON YOU. This is an example of INSANE PEOPLE problems. Because Amy, THAT DOESN’T EFFECT YOU. Uhhh. Well, at least Amy is being Amy again.
Alek won Chloe a stuffed animal lion! So cute! Paul and Alek keep ruffling their chest feathers and compete with each other on the rigged carnie games. Paul mocks Alek’s British accent and AGAIN this is why Paul is my favorite. The girls are gossiping and Jasmine says she likes that Zane is mysterious. Girrrl, you have no idea. Mysterious like taking stalker photos of your friends and family. Zane is talking to Evil Red Haired Lady on the phone. He is waiting until Valentina returns before starting their plan. I think he means their plan to kill everyone?
At la Casa de King. Brian calls. He wants Chloe to come on a road trip to that address with him. Sad Sack Mom is all like weren’t you just on a date with Alek last night? Uhh, yeah Chloe, weren’t you? What gives, you two-timer!
Alek and Valentina together. They’ve had 24 hour watch on Chloe since the shady camera man, who we all know to be Zane, but they don’t. They haven’t seen the shady camera man again. (Except that they HAVE. WOLF IN SHEEPS CLOTHING.) Zane shows up and Valentina is a right bitch to him. Normally I would be mad at her, but since I know he’s secretly plotting to kill them all, I’m going to have to give her a pass on her bad manners. Evil Red Haired Lady says by tonight, Chloe’s whole support system will be gone. Ruh roh.
None of the Mai seem to know where Chloe is. But we know! Chloe is with Brian. And it’s a Brian-Chloe road trip montage. They are laughing and laughing and just oh so happy. Except what are they laughing about? The writers didn’t script this dialogue because they do a horrible job of trying to write Brian as likable. So laughing montage it is! Brian is talking about Classic Rock and cannot believe that Chloe doesn’t like/hasn’t heard of bands like The Doors. He is just so incredulous! Hey Brian, maybe you’ve forgotten, but she’s SIXTEEN. Maybe if you dated a COLLEGE girl they’d have a wider taste in music. Brian also tells Chloe she’s the ONE person in his life he can trust. Awwwwkward. Hey fictional characters and real life people as well? If anyone ever tells you that, just run. Run far and run fast.
Alek finds Amy and Paul at our favorite coffee shop book store, henceforth called The Creeper Bean. No one has heard from Chloe and he’s worried. Girl should really answer her phone. She is being ridiculously rude. Brian and Chloe reach the mysterious house from the letters. It’s gated. No worries, Chloe just jumps over it with her cat powers. She gets over but a guard dog shows up. And then an old red headed lady shows up. It’s Grandma! She seems really happy to see Brian. So why the hell hasn’t she seen him before now? Chloe gets a new email from her dad. He’s in San Francisco…tonight!
Apparently BD never wanted the Grandma to see his family ever again. Oh, I see, she’s BD’s mom, not the maternal grandma. Brian’s mom occasionally sent the Grandma updates about Brian. Grandma says BD had a reckless sense of ambition. No shit. Oh my God, BD’s name is Whitney. WHITNEY. Hahaha. No wonder he hates Grandma. Well, too late, he’s already BD from here on out. Apparently the Grandma was standing up for Brian and BD did not like. So she was cut off. Brian says he thinks BD had something to do with the mom’s death. Grandma thinks so too…!
Amy shows up at Chloe’s house, trying to track her down. Only Sad Sack is there. Amy calls Sad Sack hot. Uhh, just stop it Amy. Sad Sack reveals that Chloe is with Brian. And Sad Sack accidentally brings up Chloe’s Dad. Amy didn’t know he was alive! Chloe’s keepin’ secrets.
Grandma thanks Chloe for helping Brian find her. Why didn’t Grandma find Brian on her own? It’s a pretty easy thing to do in 2011. I mean, sure, BD cut her off, but as soon as Brian turned 18, I don’t see why she couldn’t have tried to get in contact with him. If she really wanted to see Brian, she could. Flimsy excuses. Cut back to Valentina’s house. No one can find Chloe! Valentina blames Jasmine. Jasmine needs to take Valentina’s place some day. But Jasmine wants a normal life, blah blah.
For no reason whatsoever, Chloe decides to whip out her cat claws at Grandma’s angry dog. Maybe this was supposed to be cute? Hasn’t this “dogs hate Mai” joke been done to death? Grandma asked Brian to keep their meeting a secret from BD. Chloe and Brian drive away. And…EVIL RED HAIRED WOMAN IS THERE. I KNEW Grandma was up to no good! Grandma knows all about the Mai. She wants proof that Chloe really is The Uniter.
It’s later and Brian proceeds to drops Chloe off in the middle of the city, randomly. Chloe finally talks to Alek on the phone. She says she was with a friend and he damn well knows which one. I mean, she only HAS three friends and he checked with the other two already. Chloe meets Amy and Paul at The Creeper Bean. They want to know why Chloe has been keeping secrets. Amy says she’s her best friend! Paul says he’s her faithful sidekick. So Chloe updates them on the sitch. She’s going to meet him tonight! She knows it’s him because he references that stupid story they wrote when she was little. She’s worried he had to leave because she’s Mai.
Cut to Zane who is getting all knifed and gadgeted up, like some sort of Batman montage. Guy is not kidding around! Brian arrives home at his English Manor. He tells BD they need to talk. Brian brings up his mom’s death. No way could a mugger with no gun have killed her. He shows BD her engagement ring that he found in storage. He wants the truth! BD tells Brian that he can’t handle the truth. No, actually, he just tells Brian to GTFO. Brian says he will never stop trying to find out the truth. Brian is a SEEKER OF TRUTH, guys.
Zane drops by Valentina’s house. He says he’s waiting there for Jasmine but he totally sent Jasmine to meet him somewhere else. Oh shit! I’m actually kind of worried now. Now over to Sad Sack who is leaving for some Saturday night dinner. Sad Sack actually apologizes for spilling Chloe’s secrets to Amy. Sad Sack asks about her date with Brian. Chloe says it was so nice. Which confuses me, because the CORRECT response is that IT WASN’T A DATE. Sad Sack doesn’t know why Chloe won’t date Brian. Chloe can’t explain, gets a sad and actually says she Thinks She’s In Love With Brian. Uhhh. What’s with people THINKING they’re in love. Don’t soften it! You either are or you aren’t. Chloe says she doesn’t want to be. How can she stop? Goddamnit, I hate you so much right now Chloe. YOU ARE LOVING THE WRONG GUY. Sad Sack says you love who you love.
Chloe goes up to her room and Oh Snap! Alek is there! He totally heard Chloe’s convo with her mom. Alek says he was afraid he was making a fool of himself and he hates being right. Awww poor baby. Chloe is all “We both know I can’t be with him.” Alek says doesn’t want to be chosen because he’s the only option. Awww you go boy, stand up for yourself! You are worth being loved! I’ll come over with some rom-coms and some ice cream and we’ll make a list of everything you want in a girl and trash talk your ex. Except, maybe high school boys don’t mourn relationships the way high school girls do. Oh well. Anyway, Alek says Chloe is making a huge mistake. I couldn’t agree more! Alek’s boner retreats, possibly to never be seen or heard from again. Truly a sad day for us all. Or at least for me.
Chloe gets an email from her Deadbeat Dad! Time to meet up! He tells her to meet him in a place referenced by that stupid story of theirs. Chloe is all set to leave, but Brian shows up! He’s brought food. Why is he there? Oh, because Brian wants to talk to Chloe about all of his PROBLEMS, of course! Someone pointed out in the comments the other week about how Brian only ever wants to talk about himself and it is SO TRUE. It’s all about him all of the time. Chloe could be anyone, really as long as she just nods her head and says sympathetic things. Brian insists on giving Chloe a ride and won’t take no for an answer. Brian, not accepting someone’s “NO”?? How Brian of him!
Zane and Valentina are chatting and bonding. Which is going to make it even weirder when he tries to kill her. Like, be a murderer, okay? But don’t be a murdered that befriends/dates your victims first. That shit’s just crazy! Uh oh, Zane shoots some kind of tranq dart at Valentina. Oh shit, no! He says it’s poison! Valentina is DOWN. Zane says he’s going to kill Jasmine too.
Brian drops Chloe off at the place she has lied and says she is meeting Amy at. Chloe proceeds to sneak away even BEFORE Brian’s car pulls away. So he SEES her doing that. What an idiot. Sad Sack Mom is meeting with an investor! The investor is…BD. Of course! Amy and Paul are stalking Chloe as well! They’re good friends to be worried about her! Chloe arrives at some dark park. Thanks Chloe’s Dad, an abandoned park at night is the PERFECT place to meet up with your teenage daughter.
Brian FOLLOWED Chloe there. He’s all “you lied to me” blah, blah, blah. He won’t leave her alone. Dude, back off! She doesn’t have to tell you where she’s going or what she’s doing. The only person in her life she owes any explanations to is her mother. Christ, Brian is possessive. He’s all “but I tell you everything.” Secrets AREN’T a currency or a commodity and I hate people who treat them like they are. Brian tells her to meet whoever, but he’s going to wait to make sure she’s safe. Which would be sort of nice, I guess, if he hadn’t been acting like he has some sort of right to control Chloe’s behavior. But I agree that this meeting place is shady as shit. Some really, really shady shit.
Chloe goes into some really dark, abandoned old theater in the park. Shouldn’t this place be locked up? She hears noises. She finds…some large scary man who is NOT her father. And two other guys. In the words of Admiral Ackbar, IT’S A TRAP!!! Nothing left to do but fight them!
Jasmine gets home to find her mom dead. She managed to avoid one of Zane’s poison darts. Lots of fighting going down between everyone. So many scene changes, back and forth! For some reason, I find myself overly concerned with all of the ancient artifacts Zane is destroying in his fight with Jasmine. Chloe has finished beating up all the dudes. Evil Red Head Lady shows up. She has a gun! She shoots Chloe, a whole bunch. This does not look good. At some point, I had completely forgotten that Chloe has all of those lives, despite the title of the show. Brian hears gun shots and runs in (after Red Head has run off, of course).
Zane stabbed Jasmine. Valentina wasn’t quite dead. Oh no, she WILL see her daughter die. Oh man, they said someone would die on this show. Jasmine hasn’t even had a chance to really LIVE! Crap, I think Jasmine is really dead!!!
Brian finds Chloe, dying. Except not really, since we know she will come back. He proceeds to tell her a dozen times that he loves her. Which is CERTAINLY more helpful than calling an ambulance. Brian kisses her. Jesus, BRIAN IS SERIOUSLY KISSING HER while she’s BLEEDING FROM GUN SHOT WOUNDS. OMG he USED THE FACT THAT SHE WAS DYING to steal kisses. Mother fucker. You know that guy who waits until you’re vomiting drunk to try and make out with you? Brian in TEN TIMES worse than that guy, because he waits until you are LITERALLY dying to force himself on you.
Paul sees Evil Red Head leaving the abandoned theater. BD is taking Meredith somewhere. Turns out EVIL Grandmas has a copy of Chloe’s dad’s book. I guess he was never alive after all? Well, at least I’m feelings a LOT better about him as a parent. Because if he were alive, he’s an asshole. I guess Chloe should have asked him a couple more questions to see if it was really him. She was actually quite lazy about that.
Alek arrives home. He sees Zane and the dead bodies. Alek says “I’m going to kill you” and Zane BUSTS OUT AN ENGLISH ACCENT and says “Is that anyway to talk to your brother?” !!!!!!!!!!!! I actually literally yelled out loud at this. It sounded something like “WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!”
Cut to Paul and Amy running in to find Chloe alive, holding Brian’s dead body. That’s what he gets for kissing her! THE END! Season over!
Holy crap guys! A LOT happened in that episode! It’s like they were trying to make up for those nine episodes where nothing happened. Are Valentina and Jasmine dead? Is Brian dead? I don’t think Brian IS dead, so how are they going to explain his survival from the deadly Mai kiss. And HOLY SHIT ZANE IS ALEK’S SECRET LONG LOST BROTHER!!! But WHY DID HE KILL VALENTINA AND JASMINE??? Ahhhhh, I have so many questions. Now they better renew this show, because inquiring minds want to know!!! What did you guys think? Sound off in the comments!