Title: The Nine Lives of Chloe King S1.E02 “Redemption”
Released: 2011

Hey everyone, we’re back with your favorite show about people who are also cats! If you’re behind, you can catch up with my recap of the pilot or watch it on the ABC Family website. Lots of cool stuff happened last week! Chloe found out she is descended from an ancient Egyptian race of cat people with cat super powers. And after being totally murdered (meeouch!), Chloe finds out she’s a super special type of cat superhero with nine whole lives. Well, eight now, but that’s plenty. She also found out she killed a boy with her toxic cat breath because cat superheroes can’t make-out mate with us regular people. Bummertown! Now let’s see what our favorite cat lady is up to this week.

Last week ended when Chloe’s estranged Dad emailed her the least helpful email in the history of the world (“trust no one”). Chloe writes back her fail dad from the most obscure email server provider ever. She wants to see him. Awww, sweetie. Dude hasn’t bothered to contact you in ten years. I don’t think he’s going to come hang out.

A noise! Someone is at the window. Clearly Chloe thinks she should investigate. Chloe does some cat poses and a chase ensues. There is a lot of running and leaping on the rooftops. The jumps and landings they do look pretty much how I would look running and jumping, even though I lack cat powers. Hmmm. Chloe loses her prey and proceeds to lean precariously over the edge of a building like a person who hasn’t recently died from falling off of a building. Which reminds me. There are tons of cats who have fallen (and survived) from taller buildings than Coit Tower. And yet Chloe died? How is it that Chloe’s cat super powers are LESS SUPERIOR than a regular cat’s regular powers?

Back to Chloe leaving stupidly over the ledge. Her stalker comes back…and it’s only Alec. Alec, who I now know is British. Lord Douchington of Douchencovey! I can’t remember what they talk about, because I forgot to write it down, but hopefully he chastises her for stupidly leaning over edges. And maybe explains why he’s Edward Cullen’ing her? But probably not.

It’s the teaser intro again! Okay, this is episode 2, I expect more. I want clips and a run down of all the main characters and a BETTER SONG please. Chloe King producers, you have one more episode to fix this and then I’m calling shenanigans.

It’s morning at the King residence. Chloe’s mom tries to feed Chloe again. Chloe spears an apple with her super duper cat claws, I guess so that people who didn’t see the pilot understand that she’s cat people? Chloe meets her friends Amy and Paul at Coit Tower. They look at the blood stain from where Chloe died and and basically re-cap everything we already knew from the pilot. Ummm, hey script writers, lots of us watched the pilot? And would like new material? Kthx. Amy is wearing a bowler-type hat that makes her look like Charlie Chaplin. At least she isn’t wearing the flesh of dead animals like last episode? Paul is wearing a superhero t-shirt because it apparently needs to be shoved in our faces that he is a nerd. Paul thinks Chloe superpowers are just the coolest thing since cyber sex and makes his opinions known. His constant gushing over Chloe’s powers is probably going to make Amy jealous, leading to some sort of Willow-Xander-Buffy dynamic.

Chloe is still sad that she make-out-killed that guy with the eyebrows. Hey Chloe, I’m over it, so why don’t you get over it too? I don’t even remember his name anymore. Let’s all move on! Chloe’s cat senses seem to make her feel someone is watching her. And she’s correct! It’s Scarface! Too bad those senses didn’t kick in a couple of days ago. Like, before Scarface pushed her to her death.

We’re at school again and Amy confronts Alec, getting all up in his grill with a “You better protect my friend” attitude. Umm, where does she get off? How is that Alec’s job? Why doesn’t she buy a gun and protect her own damn friend. Alec responds by humping her against a wall, which is officially his signature move. He makes some comment about Amy watching his ass, which is obnoxious, yet funny. Because, come one Amy, we all know you would tap that in less time than it takes you to strangle small animals for your outfits.

Brian Cat Hat arrives at Chloe’s boutique. Why does he come into this store so often? Is it to buy presents for his secret age-appropriate college girlfriend? He talks to Chloe and asks her out again, doing his whole awkward/adorable shtick. And then – WTF ZOMBIE XAVIER IS CALLING CHLOE’S PHONE FROM THE DEAD!!!!

Chloe and Amy are chatting about the zombie phone call incident at a coffee shop-bookstore. Chloe hopes that maybe this means he’s alive, but Amy bursts her unrealistic bubble by showing her a newspaper article about Xavier’s death. It says TEEN died, which hey, at least he was a teen! I had assumed he was older and therefore creepier.

It’s pizza night for Chloe and her mom which requires TWO large pizzas. I am highly sceptical that either of these ladies can eat their own large. I mean, I can’t even pull that off and I’m a bit of a piggy. Chloe tells her mom about Xavier (well, minus the part about her kisses being deadly.) When her mom asks if she knew him, Chloe responds that she “more than knew him“. Which, like, what on earth does THAT mean? You kissed him, sure. And you danced for like, two hours? That hardly counts as “more than knew.” I suppose you more than knew his age-appropriate boner rubbing against your backside? Which, speaking of boners at clubs, this has to be the best thing I’ve ever seen on the topic. Chloe wants to go to Xavier’s funeral. Okaaaaay.

Cut to Brian Cat Hat. He’s practicing his boxing so that we can see him all sweaty. I appreciate the writers looking out for us. He has a convo/boxing session with his dad, which basically just establishes that his dad is a total dickwad. Brian’s taking the semester off from school (but why?) and his dad gives him shit and even say something along the lines of how Brian needs to earn his respect. Umm, really? Brian, I know your dad’s rich and all, but dude’s horrible. Totally not worth building a relationship there. Oh and PS. he’s trying to kill the girl you wanna stick it to.

Chloe’s at Xavier’s funeral. While watching this, I made a bunch of snarky comments in my head about how few people were at the funeral. But later I realized that Xavier wasn’t actually from San Fran. Which, like, why the hell would his parents hold his funeral in NOT the city they all live in? Obviously just so Chloe can attend.

Chloe cat eavesdrops on some drama. She overhears Xavier’s parents disowning Xavier’s sad brother. She wants to go talk to him but sees him conversing with the most stereotypical looking drug dealers I’ve ever seen on television.

Chloe is sitting around STILL feel guilty for Xavier’s brother. And I am OFFICIALLY OVER THIS PLOT LINE. Guess what, it is only the second episode of a brand new series and WHY HAVE WE SPENT SO MUCH TIME THINKING ABOUT THE BROTHER OF A DEAD GUY, neither of whom are regular cast members?? Chloe doesn’t want to date Brian Cat Hat cause she thinks she’ll kill him. Alec is eavesdropping and generally being a creeper. Paul tries to be pleasant to Alec, who is not having it.

Brian and Chloe’s date! Brian went to school in Paris but then mentions how it’s because his parents don’t want him around. More daddy issues! These two crazy kids are totes gonna bond over their daddy issues! OH SHIT, Brian tries to kiss Chloe and she has to stop him SO SHE DOESN’T KILL HIM, but he doesn’t know that and it’s awkward and I’m having a bit of a sad. Chloe blames it on the funeral (nice one) which gets Brian talking about his dead mom. Brian is wearing a Newsies cap which is so 2003 of him. Oh, and Alec is stalking their date.

Back at La Casa de Cat Hat, Brian’s dad continues to maintain his worst human on the show status by being a jerk to Brian. Asshole Dad is talking to Scarface and it’s implied that maybe Scarface killed Xavier. This is good news because it means Chloe may not have a Sonya Blade style flame kiss. What if this whole “we kill humans” thing is completely made up by Alec so that Chloe will have no other option but to hook up with him? That would actually be awesome.

Chloe goes to see Xavier’s brother, name Gabriel, who is a nurse. He was addicted to pain killers and also sold them to dealers. Apparently Xavier was able to get Gabriel to quit, just by hanging out with him in the same city. If Xavier hadn’t been killed, he could have made quite the career, curing people’s drug addictions with his mind. Chloe wants Gabriel to stop dealing. She doesn’t seem to understand how drug dealers work. She’s all “Ummm, just stop it! Easy peasy!

At least Chloe’s friends agree with me about the drug stuff. Brian stops by Chloe house and brought flowers! Kinda cute. But how did he know where she lived? Chloe’s mom catches him in the act and FORCES HIM TO COME IN THE HOUSE, which is super weird. This reminds me of this time in high school where I went on one date with a friend. He brought me flowers and my mother witnessed it. The act of giving flowers made her decide I HAD to date him/let him touch me, regardless of my feelings. So, hopefully Chloe’s mom won’t berate and harass her for months about dating a boy she saw for 3 minutes until Chloe is forced to go to therapy! But I have a feeling Chloe’s mom is a little nicer than mine.

Gabriel calls Chloe and says she inspired him to get out of the drug ring. Wow, I guess I was wrong? Apparently Chloe can convince anyone to do anything, no matter how ridiculous. Is that a cat power too? If so, I want that. Paul says Gabriel will probably get murdered by the drug dealers. Paul is officially the Voice of Reason on this show.

Chloe goes to find Gabriel and the drug dealers. I am continuing to realize that this episode is completely comprised of B plot. This episode is seriously all about someone who doesn’t matter and his drug dealer buddies. I can’t even. The drug dealers threaten to shoot Gabriel and, ridiculously, Chloe just bursts in, to be all like “Stop it!” The dealers turn the gun on her. Luckily Alec is still stalking her and shows up to kick the gun toting drug dealer. Except, surprise surprise, the other dealers have guns too. Who would have ever thought?

Paul sneaks in, and being the smart nerd he is, decides Chloe can probably see in the dark. He shuts the lights off and we have an incredibly cheesy night vision fight scene. Chloe and Alec win. The drug dealers have been vanquished.

Alec is wearing a black beater and looks preeetty good. After saving Chloe’s dumb ass, I am starting to appreciate him a bit more. I should just point out that (according to our current knowledge) he is the only one on the show Chloe can hook up with. I say Chloe should go for it! I mean, lots of ladies have sex with douchebags and they have WAY more options than Chloe. So I say, why not? Alec tells Chloe not to see Brian anymore. Will she listen?

Back at home, Chloe ignores Brian’s phone call. Chloe’s mom catches her and wants to talk about it. Her mom is terribly worried that our Chloe, all of 16 years, is CLOSING herself off to boys. Come on Chloe’s mom! Give her a break! Chloe’s mom is just a couple of years away from yelling at her daughter in front of a friend for not giving her phone number to a skeezy Outback Steakhouse waiter.

Chloe checks her email. No mail from dad (are you surprised, Chloe??) But she calls Brian back! And they have cute convos. Sorry Alec! She hears something on the root and assumes it’s Alec. But…she is wrong…and it is Scarface!

And that’s all for this week! What did you all think? Me? Well, in case you hadn’t gathered from my earlier capslocking, I was just a weee bit disappointed in the plot of this episode. Better luck next week? See you then!

Megan is an unabashed fangirl who is often in a state of panic about her inability to watch, read and play all the things.