And we’re back this week with the third episode of that show we all like to watch about a girl who is a cat. Not sure what I’m talking about? Well, then you obviously lead a sad, sheltered life devoid of the joys of ABC Family. If you’re wondering who these people are or why some of them are doing cat things, check out of my recap of the Pilot. And since we can all agree that nothing happened in last week’s episode, let’s all just dive right in!
Our show begins the way it typically likes to begin and end. With Chloe, alone in her room, at night. Alek, who we now know spells his name with a K, sneaks in. Basically Alek has proven very quickly that he is a bit of a stalker, but he’s pretty jokey about it, so I guess that’s okay? Alek flirts with Chloe and she pretends to be annoyed by this whole ‘sneaking into her room’ thing, but she isn’t trying hard enough, therefore she probably likes it. Turns out Alek has a purpose for this surprise visit to Chloe’s inner sanctum – the Mai leader wants to meet Chloe! I’m surprised it took their leader this long to bother. Also, I suppose Alek could have told her this at school. But then it wouldn’t have led to the wacky Ruh Roh moment where Chloe’s mom walks in to find Alek on her daughter’s bed. Whoopsies! Sad sack mom is not pleased.
And…it’s our crappy teaser intro again! This is seriously still the worst intro of all time. OF ALL TIME. It’s almost like ABC Family is not reading my recaps/listening to me. Pretty sure that anyone who makes fan videos on the internet could put something better together in a couple of hours. But on the plus side I ordered delivery and MY THAI FOOD IS HERE. Thai food will make everything better.
Morning at the King house! And Chloe actually ate breakfast this morning! Good for her! Even though we’re only on the third episode, I’m starting to realize the writers/directors keep repeating the same scenes over and over (the morning ‘breakfast’ scene with mom, a scene at the clothing store, etc. Get some new sets!) Sad sack mom wants to talk about the fact that there was a doucher sitting on her daughter’s nicely made bed the night before. She proceeds to impose a ‘no boys in the room’ policy. Whoa. That’s, like, actually offensive. Like, if your daughter is going to have the sexes, she’s going to find a way. It’s not like she’s going to go “well, if I can’t do it in my own bed…I truly see no other option here!” Or else maybe her mom thinks that just SEEING A BOY ON HER BED will make Chloe do the dirty. Like, “I didn’t really want to have sex with this guy…but he’s like, right there, in my bed, so why not, I guess?” And like, ALL boys, are we truly making NO distinction here? So, it’s not okay to have a gay male friend in your room, but a lesbian girl is okay to bring up? And what about neutered boys like Paul? Is Paul really not allowed to hang out in Chloe’s room? Even though, if we took off his pants, I’m pretty sure he would be rocking plastic Ken doll like boxers that are infused to his skin. Anyway, Sad Sack mom has now become completely unreasonable, overbearing mom.
Chloe’s cat senses make her feel like she’s being followed. This also happens…a lot. But it’s just Jasmine! And turns out Jasmine’s mom is the leader of all of the San Francisco Mai. Oh, and Scarface was following her, but is there EVER A TIME THAT HE’S NOT? Just wondering, because it’s kind of getting old.
We’re in school and Chloe is filling Paul in on the Mai gathering she’s been invited to. Paul, of course, wants to come with. Paul is also wearing some shirt that is clearly some sort of comic/nerd reference, but I’m not sure what. I feel like I just lost a lot of nerd cred. Amy shows up just to prove how self-involved she is, bemoaning that Chloe might miss her coffee shop singing debut. Which is clearly more important than Chloe finding out about her destiny, history, powers, who is trying to kill her, etc.
Brian is at the coffee shop, which I now realize is actually attached to the vintage clothing boutique that Chloe works at. He is reading a police report, in public, like ya do. He asks Chloe out on a date to a music festival. And Chloe seems to think his showing up at her work every single day is cute, as opposed to creepy, and accepts. Learning someone’s schedule so you can be everywhere they are is not cute. For example, this guy who I was not at all friends with senior year of college, actually learned my tv schedule (as in, which shows I liked to watch with my roommates) so that he could stop by my apartment when he knew I would be there. Granted, he was a lot more awkward than Cat Hat Brian, but stalker isn’t a flattering color on anyone, even Brian.
Alek and Jasmine and Chloe are on their way to Jasmine’s place. Apparently Jasmine’s mother is a straight up BAMF and has killed 15 members of The Order. They arrive at Jasmine’s fancy digs and are introduced to her mom, Valentina, who also happens to be the bitchy lady from the show Jericho. God, I loved that show. Why aren’t I watching that show? Valentina is very kind to Chloe, which seems like a bit of an act. She explains that the Mai have been slaughtered and scattered. Alek’s parents were killed, which I guess is supposed to make us forgive him for any past or future asshole behavior.
The Order kill Mai because they think Mai are a danger to mankind. We talk more about Chloe being the Uniter but have still yet to properly explain what exactly that means. Valentina says they might have to put Chloe into hiding, since she’s so important. Chloe is not keen on that idea.
Chloe arrives home to find her mom missing. Except that she was just in another room. I am actually personally offended by the lame fake out. Overbearing mom finds out that Chloe was with Alek and has another freak out. Her mom’s all ‘we don’t lie to each other!’ Umm, really? Considering the fact that Chloe is a CAT PERSON and that her parents basically bought her on the black market and her dad mysteriously disappeared, I have a feeling we’re going to find out her mom knows a lot of shit she ain’t tellin’.
Chloe is walking and talking with her sidekicks. She’s complaining about this whole Uniter destiny thing and Paul says “do you know how long I’ve waited to be swept away to fulfill an ancient destiny?” Paul, YOU ARE THE HEART AND SOUL OF THIS SHOW and the VOICE OF REASON and MY FAVORITE. Amy is going on again about being a singer/songwriter at the coffee shop. Amy makes some joke about breaking up with Paul and I seriously HATE that joke. It’s neither cute nor funny to joke that you will break up with your significant other in front of third parties. It’s just awkward and obnoxious. But then again, so is Amy.
Valentina shows up at the vintage clothing store. Valentina tells Chloe that her friends and family might not fit into her knew life, humans and Mai don’t really share the same world, Chloe’s destined for greatness, etc. Chloe is all THIS IS THE WORST THING ANYONE HAS EVER SAID TO ME. Considering Chloe has all of three humans in her life and one is Amy and the other is her needy mother, I don’t feel like this is such terrible news.
Brian stalks Chloe again at her place of business and asks her to lunch before the music festival. He even mentions Thai food which is WHAT I AM EATING, RIGHT NOW. Delicious. Chloe, who is all upset from her convo with Valentina, is like “I can’t date you right now, I’ve got too much going on.” Brian proceeds to get all butthurt and is all “oh, you only want to be Friends, I get it” and proceeds to act like every male ever, in the history of time, who finds out you don’t really want to date them. Maybe now Brian can find a girl his own age instead of mooning over a 16 year old girl he barely knows. But then again, maybe not.
Chloe’s overly dependent mother runs into Scarface on the street. Chloe is closing up the store for the night when her mother calls. Except it isn’t her mother…it’s Scarface on her mother’s phone. Cue a freak out! Except that her mom is okay and the phone was just stolen. Chloe tells Valentina, who decides they’re going to finally get rid of this guy. About damn time. The Mai go to stake out Chloe’s house and wait. Chloe stays with Jasmine at Jasmine’s place.
Amy, also known as the biggest thing since John Mayer, is at her singer/songwriter show. Chloe is holed up with Jasmine and has to miss it. Jasmine and Chloe talk about their moms. Jasmine is all “my mom is super distant and cold” and Chloe has the nerve to feel sorry for her, while explaining how wonderful it is that her mother is inappropriately co-dependent and smothering. Yikes.
Back to Amy at the coffee shop. Amy is singing and playing her acoustic guitar, and honestly, it sounds fine but a bit folksy. Which makes it weird because no way Amy would sing/sound like this. What we are watching is the actress who plays Amy, not the character Amy. While listening to this folksy song, we get shots of Chloe looking sad, and Brian looking sad and OMG they made PAUL CRY. Oh Jesus H. Dumbledore, that is so lame. Please show, don’t make Paul lame! He is the only one I love.
Scarface calls Chloe from the coffee shop and more or less threatens Amy if Chloe doesn’t meet him alone. And, oh Christ on a Cracker, Chloe is going to do it because she is the stupidest fictional character is the world. Amy is IN A PUBLIC PLACE, not tied up in a room somewhere. Until then, you don’t have to do what he says! If he’s meeting you somewhere else, you don’t HAVE TO SHOW UP ALONE. He won’t know you’re NOT alone until it’s too late. You can bring the other Mai with you. OR you can have the Mai go protect Amy. OR you could even call the police to go protect Amy. There are SO many other options besides sneaking out and not telling Jasmine where you are going. I can’t even. Too fucking ridiculous.
Brian calls Chloe and tells her that if she wants the tickets he bought for their date together, she can have them and bring someone else. Holy passive aggressive behavior Batman! Brian, I am kind of…really unimpressed with you right now. Chloe completely ignores this inappropriate behavior and asks him for a ride so she can meet up with Scarface.
Chloe finds Scarface and tells him “this ends!” Uhhh, Chloe, it won’t end until he’s dead. Do you really think you’re going to get him to do anything you say? Something falls on Chloe and knocks her out. Basically Scarface set up a Wile E. Coyote style trap for her, and Chloe, whose is apparently less intelligent than the Roadrunner, falls for it. Fucking amazing. When she wakes up she finds herself in metal chains. I think I’m supposed to be concerned for her safety, but this whole goddamn mess was so her own fault and I really hope she loses another life. She really deserves it. I don’t like to think murder victims can be dumb enough to deserve to be murdered, but Chloe is really changing the way I look at the world. I mean, if some dude is trying to kill me and calls me and is all “meet me here alone” which I do, even though he doesn’t have a legitimate enough threat to warrant it, then knocks me out with a trick that even cartoon animals don’t fall for, I think I had it coming. All that said, Scarface is going to drown her.
But not so fast! We have some deus ex Jasmine going on. Some how they escape, but I’m not quite paying attention. They get outside and it’s raining. Scarface says he’s going to kill them and PULLS OUT A SHOTGUN. Which is awesome. He’s about to shoot until he gets knifed in the back by none other than Valentina. Who looks like a vigilante super hero. Valentina is all annoyed and Chloe actually has the nerve to say “I’m sorry but I didn’t have a choice.” Ummm, Chloe, you had MANY choices. It’s just that you picked the WORST POSSIBLE ONE. But at least Scarface is finally dead, so I don’t have to endure any more of the exact some shots, over and over, of him following Chloe or calling Brian’s dad on the phone.
Brian is waiting for Chloe in the car. Chloe’s taking on a ‘fuck my destiny’ attitude, and now she’s willing to go on a date with Brian again. Yay? After watching how creepy he acted, I’m not exactly Team Brian at the moment. Chloe comes home to find that Alek is still watching out for her mom. Awww, maybe he’s not a douche after all, he’s just a misunderstood boy with dead parents. The episode ends with Chloe cuddling up against her creepy smothering mother.
So what did you all think of this episode? How cool is Valentina? Are we all happy that Scarface is finally dead? Who do you like more, Alek or Brian? And can anyone please tell me what on earth the episode title means? Sound off in the comments below!