Title: The Nine Lives of Chloe King S1.E04 “All Apologies”
Released: 2011

Previous episode: “Green Star”

Well, darn. I have to start this recap out with an apology (which is fitting, given the episode title) because I missed the first five minutes of this show. I promise it was for very important reasons. Why, you ask? Because I’d been meaning to switch my wireless service from AT&T to Verizon and just found out that Verizon is capping their data plans on July 7th. That’s tomorrow. So today is the last day you can get grandfathered in on unlimited data. So when we found this out yesterday, my husband and I rushed our lethargic selves over to the Verizon store, only to find it packed to the brim (if Verizon stores had brims) with other people doing the exact same thing. So it took forever. But it is done, my friends, at if all I had to sacrifice for wireless service that actually works was a measly five minutes of Chloe King, I think it was well worth it. I’m sure you were all delighted to hear my phone story. Basically instead of getting my typical spiel about how this show is about cat people, you’re getting an unsolicited plug for Verizon. Because, let’s be honest, AT&T is unequivocally the worst. And now, to the show!

Chloe’s house in the morning! What a new and different scene choice! And Chloe is tired. I would never have guessed that to be the case. Apparently Chloe’s jeans have a huge hole in them and Sad Sack Mom is asking how that happened. But since I missed the first five minutes of this show, I have no idea. I’m assuming it has something to do with cat leaping and such. But that’s boring. Let’s pretend it was from Alek shoving Chloe against a wall, like he’s known to do, and his Mai boner was so powerful that it rips straight through denim. Amazing.

Switch to a not-at-all-cliched scene of Chloe walking, slow motion, through her school halls. Chloe’s super sonic cat ears can hear everyone’s secrets. Alek sidles up to Chloe. She makes a joke about putting a cat bell on him and I actually chuckle. Alek warns her that listening to other people’s conversations might be bad, that she might hear something she doesn’t like. So, of course, like clockwork, Chloe overhears Amy bitching about her. Amy’s mad that Chloe has been ditching her lately and says she might be in the market for a new best friend. Ouch. But seriously Amy, no one else will be your friend, ever, so I would re-evaluate if I were you. But then again, if I were Amy, I would immediately change everything about myself or commit suicide…so yeah.

Chloe sneaks up on Brian who is laptoping outside of some coffee shop. He proceeds to hide a mysterious key and acts completely awkward. Chloe feels weird and leaves. Man, can’t these two crazy kids ever make things work or will their love always fall victim to the awkward turtle.

Brian’s dad is walking outside (to where?) and is confronted by a fierce looking red head. She is apparently from The Order and does not like Brian’s dad’s involvement in their shit. They blame him for Chloe now having lots of Mai bodyguards. She tells Brian’s dad to back the fuck off and it’s now that I realize I have no idea what Brian’s dad’s name is. Anyone? A little help?

Chloe is at her vintage clothing place of work, obsessively looking at her phone, hoping Brian will call her. We find out that Chloe has been skipping out on work quite a bit lately. Ruh roh. Paul is hanging out in the coffee shop-bookstore that is inexplicably attached to the vintage boutique. Chloe asks Paul what is up and he proceeds to go on a long rant about how Asians are portrayed in comics (they are either geeks or kung-fu ninjas and I am sorry to say that Paul is not helping this problem) and asks Chloe if he can be her sidekick. Awww, Paul is my favorite.

Later, Chloe’s boss Lana is terrified about something and Chloe can FEEL it. She asks Jasmine and confirms that this is not a typical Mai side-effect. A man delivering cupcakes shows up for Lana. When he finds out she isn’t there, he says something about having her home address. It’s her old address and this is the exact moment I realize he is CLEARLY an ex/stalker/psycho killer. And Chloe proceeds to GIVES HIM LANA’S NEW ADDRESS, just like that, no questions asked, because she is a STALKER ENABLER. Chloe, you OFFICIALLY CANNOT BE MY FRIEND. I’m certain that we all do enough on our own that could lead to being murdraped without Chloe giving out our home addresses to anyone with a cupcake. The cupcake murderer shakes Chloe’s hand and Chloe gets some sort of intense cat feeling and pushes the shit out of him. Chloe doesn’t understand why she tried to hurt him but the audience clearly does and that’s because the man is a CUPCAKE RAPIST.

Chloe is chatting it out with Valentina and telling her about her weird new power. Valentina actually defines the word empathy for us because apparently this show thinks we’re idiots. Thanks Noah Webster, I mean Valentina. Valentina thinks Chloe might be an empath and that the ability only works with humans. After leaving Valentina, Chloe arrives late to her weekly dinner with Paul and Amy. Amy is being completely heinous about Chloe being late. Chloe brings up the comment Amy made earlier at school and Amy freaks out about Chloe invading her privacy and proceeds to act utterly deplorable. Amy is the AT&T of this show.

Chloe goes home and she and her mom have a chat. Chloe is stressed about life and generally being a pissy brat about it but her mom is a champ and wins some much needed mom points from me. Maybe in the future I will even give her a more flattering nickname? Or even learn her name?

Chloe and Alek are in the middle of a busy, people-crowded street. It should be noted that Chloe is rocking some super cute braids. Alek is trying to teach her how to use her super sonic hearing and to focus it. Unrelated, but Alek would make a great Nazi youth in some movie, donchathink?

Brian shows up at Chloe’s work because it is a well established fact he is a fan of the “drive by.” Chloe misses him by 5 seconds because she’s late. Turns out the cupcake guy IS Lana’s creepy ex-boyfriend. I was about to pat myself on the head for calling that one, but I suppose it was painfully obvious to everyone on the planet, save Chloe. Lana is pissed that Chloe gave her address to some rando who happened to be stalking her. Ya think?

Chloe is at Jasmine’s house for training but convinces her that eating ice cream is more important. Oh, I concur. Jasmine lets her know that more of the Order are in San Fran and will continue to come after her. Not sure why Chloe couldn’t reach that conclusion on her own. Seems pretty obvious?

Scene change to a date with Brian and Chloe at MY FAVORITE PLACE IN ALL OF SAN FRANCISCO!!! It’s the Palace of Fine Arts! I became obsessed with this place after a friend made me watch the movie Time After Time. And I feel sorry for all of you who have never heard of that movie because fucking Malcolm McDowell is in it. And he plays H.G. Wells, whose time machine gets stolen by Jack The Ripper, so he has to follow Jack The Ripper through time because he’s convinced that the future is a beautiful utopia and therefore could not handle having a prostitute murderer amongst them but little does he know that 1970s San Francisco is most certainly NOT a utopia but he still needs to hunt down Jack and falls in love with Mary Steenburgen in the process. DON’T YOU WANT TO SEE THAT MOVIE, LIKE, RIGHT NOW? And Malcolm McDowell and Mary Steenburgen totally met and fell in love making this movie and were married for ten years and had two kids together and how weird is that?? First Cat People and now Time After Time, you might conclude that I am using these recaps solely to talk about obscure Malcolm McDowell movies.

Back to the date that isn’t really a date since these two crazy kids are “just friends.” Which is okay because Brian says he doesn’t have many friends. Maybe it’s because every time he makes a new friend he just begins showing up, all the time, everywhere they are, unannounced? Brian shows Chloe the mysteriously key from earlier in the episode. Turns out his mom was killed in a mugging that just doesn’t quite add up. Someone sent him the key with a note that said “do you really know what happened to your mother?” and Brian is trying to figure out what the key belongs to. And that’s why he’s in San Francisco, or something. New mystery sub-plot!

Chloe walks by her work and sees a cop car. She goes in to find the whole place trashed. Chloe immediately assumes it was Lana’s ex. Lana is sick of Chloe and fires her. As if things weren’t bad enough, Chloe sees Paul and Amy at the attached bookstore-coffee shop. Amy is being a complete terror. Chloe starts to apologize but then tells Amy to fuck off. Okay, not those words, but something along the lines of how she has to spend time with Alek and Jasmine so SHE DOESN’T END UP DYING AGAIN. That’s right, DYING. Because she DIED. Amy is a heartless monster.

Chloe sees Lana’s cupcake delivering ex (whose name is Jesse) and threatens him. He threatens back. Lots of bold talk here. There is a scene where Brian is going through his dad’s desk. They talk about the past and his mom and blah, blah, basically they are trying to make me think Brian’s dad has a heart. Un-fuckin-likely.

Chloe is desperately trying to reach Lana on the phone. Amy calls and does her first good thing, ever, and apologizes. Good on you, Amy. As a side note, the B-plot of the abusive, stalker ex-boyfriend is one of my favorite B-plots. If we’re going to get all PSA’y, I’d much rather it be about stalkers than something obnoxious, like drug use (I’m looking at you, episode 2!) Chloe decides to go to Lana’s house when she doesn’t hear from her. She finds Lana on the floor! She engages in some hand to hand combat with the cupcake batterer. He actually GRABS A GIANT BUTCHER KNIFE but Lana wakes up in time to bash him over the head. It’s over! I mean, except for all of the emotional damage Lana will be carrying around with her, forever. On the plus side, Chloe is given her job back. It only took saving her bosses life.

Cut to Valentina who is just lounging on the couch in Brian’s Dad’s office. Valentina is beautiful and terrible. Brian’s Dad reaches for his secret gun, but Valentina has already gotten rid of it. She threatens both Brian and his dad, which is awesome, but ultimately ineffective because we all know Brian’s Dad doesn’t give two shits about him.

And we end our episode with a car jumping/training montage with a weirdly odd song choice playing. Chloe does a really sweet building to building jump, Matrix style. Valentina criticizes Chloe for getting involved in human affairs but eventually reconsiders. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if humans and Mai were involved a bit more?

So what did you all think of this week’s episode? What is Valentina’s real agenda? And is Brian lying about his mom and that key? Is Paul going to brutally murder Amy so that I can maintain my sanity? Sound off in the comments!

Megan is an unabashed fangirl who is often in a state of panic about her inability to watch, read and play all the things.