Title: The Nine Lives of Chloe King S1.E05 “Girls Night Out”
Released: 2011

Everyone, you’re in for a treat, because I watched the entire episode this week. In fact, I’m so dedicated to this show that I basically cannot have any social plans on a Tuesday night for the rest of the summer. That’s because I don’t have a DVR, which means I actually have to be in my house, watching this show at the exact time it is played. Now before anyone criticizes me about living in the technological stone age, you all are lucky I even have cable! Next thing I know, I’ll be getting shit for not owning a smart phone. (Actually, someone legitimately tried to make fun of my shitty old phone the other week, which was hilarious, because who does that?) Okay, enough about me, let’s talk about you. And by you I mean Chloe King.

Chloe’s back at work this week, and all it took was preventing her boss fromĀ being murdered. I will keep that in mind just in case I ever get fired. Two overly made-up brunettes come into the store. They are obviously Mai, because what else would they be? Chloe doesn’t really pick up on this at all, so they make insinuations and say creepy things like how they came 6,000 miles to meet Chloe. It isn’t until one busts out her retractable claw that Chloe finally gets it.

Turns out these two Mai ladies are sisters from a pride in Brazil. They are, like, SO excited to meet The Uniter. Lila and Nicki (as are their names) just can’t believe Chloe was raised by a hooman! Ummm, pretty sure Mai don’t go around adopting human children on the off chance of the 1 in 1 million possibility that their orphan might turn out to be a Mai. And when 99.99999% of the world is human, is it really so unlikely that Chloe would have that much interaction with them? Last time I checked, the Mai don’t seem to have their own wizarding world type secret society. They’re pretty much just hanging out in human towns, going to human stores. Like, Mai have to eat and unless there is some speciality Mai groceries stores out there, you’re going to have to hang out with humans in the line of the supermarket to buy your fiber cereal. Just sayin’. Also, Nicki and Lila want to take Chloe DANCING. Oh hurray, dancing!

Chloe is at home and finally gets a return email from her dad. He says it isn’t safe to come home. Safe for who? For Chloe or for him? That dad is such an asshole. Like, Chloe is being hunted down by gun-wielding men with scars and he’s talking about something ‘not being safe.’ Chloe’s whole damn life is unsafe dude, and maybe she wouldn’t have had to waste one of her nine lives falling off Coit Tower if you had effing TOLD HER ABOUT ANY OF THIS MAI SHIT instead of just disappearing for 10 years. God, Chloe’s Dad and Brian’s Dad should date. Chloe proceeds to send him back an ALL CAPS email asking how she can know this is really him. Ummm, you initiated this email exchange Chloe? He replies with some weird sounding nursery rhyme thing. Okaaay.

Scene change to Chloe and Amy having a talk in a picturesque area of San Fran, like they do. Amy is complaining about Paul. Apparently all they ever do is make out at his house, they never go on real dates and he’s not romantic, etc. Awww, Amy sweetie. It’s called dating a 16 year old boy. A 16 year old boy’s idea of romance is hooking up with you on their parents waterbed, instead of their twin. A sixteen year old boy’s idea of romance is buying you red roses with babies breath from the grocery store because finding out your favorite flower is far too much effort and haven’t movies taught them that all women love roses? A sixteen year old boy’s idea of romance is coming up behind you and giving your an unsolicited back rub in the lunchroom. A sixteen year old boy’s idea of romance is, after complaining of how hungry you are, heating you up a frozen burrito instead of making you do it yourself (which is actually my husband’s idea of romance, so maybe I better stop here.)

Brian proceeds to call Chloe from this workout room, post workout and all sweaty like. I’m starting to think Brian doesn’t have a bedroom and just sleeps on a yoga mat in the corner of this weight room. He proceeds to awkwardly hit on Chloe, in blatant disregard for their new “let’s just be friends” policy. Brian, let me give you some advice. Awkward comments like telling a girl how “distracting” she is to you are barely desired from guys us ladies DO want to date. But coming from guys we don’t want to date? Well, if being uncomfortable were like torture, you’re giving us the bamboo under the fingernails equivalent.

Brian’s Dad is staring at his picture frame of Brian which Valentina scratched up. Brian’s Dad called Brian’s mysterious college and re-enrolled him for the next semester. He is sending Brian back next week. Brian is not pleased and his Dad is all “you aren’t doing anything but sitting around and getting sweaty in your work out (bed)room” and I do sort of agree with him here. I would be pretty pissed if my kid took off a semester of college so he could sniff around a 16 year old girl who wants to be just friends. I think we’re supposed to assume that Brian’s Dad (whose name I still don’t know and will from here out just refer to as BD) is trying to protect Brian by sending him away. Which doesn’t have any earth logic because I’m pretty sure Valentina knows how to GET ON A PLANE. And last time I checked? You can walk on to ANY college campus. At least BD’s house has a gun? College campuses don’t have guns. College is probably the least safe place for anyone to hide from killer cats, just sayin’. Brian would be stumbling around from one Saturday night frat party to another, with some idiot friends and they will be all like “I want some quesadilllllas!” and wonder aimlessly in the direction of food when Valentina or another Mai just jumps out of the bushes and eviscerates Brian right in front of his friends eyes. And Brian’s friends will cry and cry because Brian’s blood is splattered all over their polos and because they’re “just so wasted!” and because they never did end up getting to get those quesadillas.

Back to Chloe! Lila and Nicki bought Chloe a sexy dress from her work. Hey, people can totally win over my affections by buying me expensive dresses I want! Why aren’t more people trying to win my affection!? Chloe, Lila, Nicki, Jasmine and Amy go to the dance club. Lila and Nicki have reserved seating, which doesn’t actually make much sense. Why would being a Mai make you a VIP all over the world when everything is run by humans? Maybe they’re really rich Mai? But would a Mai really be MORE likely to be richer an your average human? It’s like the whole thing where most vampires are always super loaded which just doesn’t make any sense. Like how the Cullens own an island? Ridiculous.

At the club, Nicki is hooking up with some hooman in the bathroom. This obviously leads to him being all dead. Like, is that even fun? Making out with someone for the like, 5 minutes before your Mai breath kills them? Seems like that would lose it’s appeal fairly quickly. Nicki and Lila are talking to each other and saying something about wanting to get Chloe alone. They are obviously up to no good, which was pretty damn obvious from the moment they sauntered into camera view.

Oh sad. Chloe’s Sad Sack Mother stayed up waiting for her to come back from clubbing. Sad Sack Mom complains about how small Chloe’s dress is and Chloe tells her “don’t prude out on me.” Chloe asks her mom about that stupid nursery rhyme from her dad’s email. Turns out it’s from a story Chloe and her dad make up when she was little.

Paul is jealous that he didn’t get to hang out with the Mai. Chloe uses this opportunity to chastise Paul for being a lame (read: typical 16 year old male) boyfriend. Chloe says “just making out after school every day is not really a solid basis for a relationship.” Chloe, this just provesĀ you’ve never had a high school boyfriend. Chloe tells Paul to “step up his game” with Amy.

Brian and Chloe go out and he breaks the super duper sad news that he’s leaving. He leaves and Lila and Nicki ride up on motorcycles, of course, because we need to continue to establish that they’re dangerous bad girls. And we get an obnoxious, driving-fast-through-the-city motorcycle montage.

Paul is talking to Amy at the coffee shop and complaining about his parents loving his brother more than him. Amy is utterly unsympathetic, because she’s already decided she’s going to be mean and standoffish until Paul read her mind and takes her to a goddamn P.F. Changs or whatever it is 16 year old girls consider romantic these days. But because of the earlier convo with Chloe, Paul is on to her and is all “too bad you don’t want to hang out with me, I have something special planned.” Oh Paul, you so crafty! Too bad you’re wasting yourself on Amy.

Chloe is at a fancy restaurant with Lila-Nicki. Lila is talking about how lame humans are and how the Mai are superior to them. She tells Chloe they want to bring her home to their pride. Chloe sees Nicki attempting to make out with another guy. Chloe throws her purse at her to break it up, is pissed and leaves the girls. They are totally offended that Chloe didn’t want to let them kill some guy and are all “she canNOT be The Uniter.”

Chloe complains to Jasmine about Lila and Nicki. Turns out the San Paulo pride is going a bit crazycakes – getting vicious and turning into Mai separatists. Chloe starts bothering Jasmine about why she doesn’t have many human friends. Turns out Jasmine had a crush on a boy in her apartment building. But when she started transforming, she had to stop seeing him. Chloe asks why they weren’t still friends and Jasmine responds that you “can’t be friends with someone you’re in love with.” Aww, poor Jasmine.

At since we’re talking about unrequited Mai-human love, we obviously cut scenes to a forlorn looking Brian. Brian just APOLOGIZED to a photo of his dead mom. I don’t even know. Cut over to Chloe and Sad Sack Mom. Chloe is wearing a cute shirt of a panda wearing glasses. Her mom is all “I just can’t get that image of you in that dress out of my head.” …wtf creepy Sad Sack Mom! You’re sounding as bad as Brian! Sad Sack Mom is all “Chloe, you can talk to me about anything.” Chloe asks her mom if she is trying to initiate another sex talk. Sad Sack Mom replies that this one will be more practical and less theoretical than all her other sex talks. Ewww. Sad Sack Mom is like, two weeks away from trying to insert Chloe’s first tampon for her.

BD is all punching punching bags in the workout room and sweaty, because that’s how the Brian family ROLLS. Brian says he wants to work for his dad. BD agrees to giving Brian a three month trial. That’s three months more Brian can loiter outside of vintage clothing stores, hurray! Brian meets Chloe at the bookstore, but Lila and Nicki get there first. They’re all rubbing themselves up against Brian, like cats are wont to do. They make threatening suggestions toward Brian and then Chloe proceeds to tell Brian she doesn’t want to stay friends when he moves, for god knows what reason. Brian doesn’t even get to tell her he’s staying in San Fran. Then Jasmine shows up to tell the crazy sisters to back the fuck off of Chloe.

Scene change to Amy, who is getting all dressed up and cute for her special date with Paul. Amy walks out of her bathroom, all dolled up to find Paul naked in her bed, with condoms. Hahaha, yes. Paul’s all “Chloe told me you wanted me to take it to the next level.” Amy spazzes, possibly thinking about how Paul’s unclothed penis is pre-cumming all over her clean sheets. This is truly the best scene ever.

Nicki and Lila come after Chloe and Jasmine and of course they all end up in an some abandoned industrial building. If I didn’t know any better, I would assume San Francisco is entirely composed of posh dance clubs and abandoned buildings. Jasmine and Chloe are both kicking some serious ass against the crazy twins. Nicki tries to hit Chloe with a huge metal bar and ends up electrocuting herself. Haha, what a dumb fuck. She’s dead and Lila is pissed, running away and making claims of future revenge.

Chloe and Brian meet for coffee the next morning. Chloe says she thought the easiest thing was to make a clean break. Brian lets her go through the whole apology spiel before telling her he’s not leaving after all. So I guess they make up.

Brian’s back at BD’s house and breaks the picture frame of his mom and finds something weird written on the back. There is a camera in the BD’s office watching him. But whose camera!? Chloe finds that weird stupid book she and her dad made and has herself a wistful nostalgia moment. I’m confused as to why she thinks of her asshole dad so fondly. What kind of horrible father doesn’t talk to his daughter for ten years. That dude’s the worst.

And that’s it for this week! I’m happy to report we’ve really only gone uphill since the drug dealer incident which we will never speak of again. What did you all think? Did anyone else miss Alec?

Megan is an unabashed fangirl who is often in a state of panic about her inability to watch, read and play all the things.