Title: The Nine Lives of Chloe King S1.E07 “Dogs of War”
Released: 2011

Previous episode: “Nothing Compares 2 U”

Welcome back to your weekly recap of your favorite show! Wait, you say it’s not your favorite show? But have you met Paul? Have you felt Alek’s boner pushed against you? Wasn’t it wonderful? And we all just broke up with Brian, isn’t it great to have gotten that creeper off our backs? I read some quote about how the actor playing Brian (Grey Damon) said Chloe belonged with his character because Brian and Chloe are genuinely in love with each other. Barf! He is as deluded as Brian! He even calls Brian a Nice Guy. Red Flag! But enough of this, let’s get to the show!

We open this week with Chloe at our favorite vintage clothing boutique. The camera keeps panning to a shifty-eyed homeless looking guy. The actor here is really giving a new meaning to the term ‘overacting’ with all the sideways glances and fidgeting. He keeps looking at the expensive gold watches that are just SITTING OUT ON A COUNTER. That seems like a good/safe idea. I think I’m going to start contracting myself out as a security expert for stores. They will pay me, and I will go around their store and say things like “oh, those expensive watches? It’s REALLY not safe to have them under glass. You should definitely put them on TOP of the counter. Especially when the only person in your store in your teenage worker who is too busy talking about her boring life drama to her dumb friends in the bookstore-coffeeshop next door.” For anyone interested, my consulting services can be paid for in cash or gold watches.

Chloe and Amy are discussing Chloe and Brian’s recent breakup* for those of us who didn’t watch last week’s episode. Chloe gets an “empathy hit” with the shifty homeless kid. He is scared, for some reason, so she feels bad for him and offers him her cookie. Like, an actual cookie, not her vagina. Jasmine and Alek show up at the boutique and that is when shit gets real. Homeless kid flips out and runs away, with Jasmine and Alek chasing close behind. Chloe follows and we see that the homeless kid has VERY LARGE POINTY TEETH before he is able to get away. Oh, jeezy, I really hope this show isn’t going to introduce weres.

*Chloe has just learned a valuable lesson that, yes, on occasion, you will have to break up with someone you were never dating to begin with.

Alek and Jasmine fill us in on homeless kid. He is a “Jackal.” Jackals are descendants of the Egyptian God of the Dead. Paul is surprised and asks if there are more than just humans and Mai. Paul says “of course, don’t be an idiot.” Awww, my two favorite boys, bantering together! Alek is displaying a disturbing amount of Jackal racism. Pray tell, Alek, what other races offend you? Apparently Jackals are Mai’s mortal enemies (so what does that make The Order?) and they have never been spotted in San Francisco before. Chloe is all “guuuuuys, stop worrying so much about me.” Uhhh, Chloe. They NEED to. Because you do dumb things like walking into rooms with men who have guns. Chloe basically embodies “person you need to worry about.” She is actually like some sort of monster mutation of Buffy and Dawn combined, a super-strength dipshit.

Jasmine and Alek are at la casa de Valentina. Valentina will send out some hunters to go after the Jackal! Morning at the King house. Chloe is on her way out the door to school (ya know, that thing you’re required to go to and get in trouble for being late to) but her Sad Sack Mom just needs to talk to her about how her phone hasn’t been ringing lately. She wants to know what went down with Brian. Chloe doesn’t really explain much and Sad Sack admits that she thought Brian would “go down in history” as Chloe’s first love. Uhhh, weird. Why is she saying stuff like this? Sad Sack’s new boyfriend shows up at the house, even though it’s morning and that’s weird. He brings Sad Sack and Chloe some coffee, which definitely wins him points. But it’s also the first time he has met Chloe. Seems like they should have had a more formal meeting? Like, if you went on a great date with a guy, wouldn’t it be weird if he was all “well, I’ve had a wonderful time and would love to see you again. Why don’t I drop by your house in a few days before work to bring you and your teenage daughter who I’ve never met coffee?” That’s a weird date number two. Except it probably has more to do with this show’s lack of sets more than anything else.

Amy, Paul and Chloe are at their favorite bookstore coffeeshop! Paul is telling Chloe more about the Egyptian God of the Dead, because he’s been researching. Chloe, of course, doesn’t want to hear anything about it. Because what would be the point of learning about a race of people who want to kill you? In fact, what is the point of learning anything at all? I mean, if Chloe bothered to ask Alek and Jasmine ANY questions about the world they are living in, then she would be prepared. She’d rather just know nothing and then acted shocked when she finds out something about her new Mai life that she couldn’t be shitted to ask. A guy walks into the shop who is wearing a stupid newsies style cap (seriously, does ANYONE wear those anymore???) and Chloe thinks it’s Brian. It’s not. Chloe is still a bit of a sad panda over her breakup that wasn’t really a breakup with Brian.

Paul and Amy decide to crash in on Alek. They harass him to find out if there are any loopholes to the whole Mais kill humans when they kiss thing. This HAS to be Paul’s idea. I mean, he’s always trying to ask questions and find solutions when no one else can be bothered. Alek is getting all boy pissy about this line of questioning that is obviously about Chloe and Brian. Since human makeouts are still a no go, Amy and Paul decide Chloe just needs to meet a cool Mai guy. Paul asks Alek if there is a Mai website or roster. A roster. This. This is why I keep watching this show. Paul is the sunshine after my rain. Paul is the cure against my fear and my pain. It’s all because of Paul. Somewhere during this time while I was day dreaming about sharing a duplex with Paul, Alek storms off in a huff.

Chloe is walking home, alone in the dark, in a mostly deserted area. This is actually one of Chloe’s favorite pastimes. Someone is following her! And…it’s the homeless Jackal kid. And in a shocking twist we all saw coming…he needs her help! Turns out he’s scared. He’s all alone! He just wanted to see San Francisco and now the Mai are hunting him. Chloe decides to invite the Jackal, whose name is Kai, back to her house. Chloe is such a good Samaritan. I mean, she’s probably the kind who invites a stranger back to her house, just to have them end up killing her whole family. But still, good on her.

Chloe has to hide Kai the Jackal from her mom. She hides him in her room. Kai mentions how nice her house is. Jackals don’t live in nice places. They have to keep moving and are always on the run. Wow, turns out Jackals are basically the Irish Travelers of the Egyptian god-decent world.

Sad Sack Mom’s new boyfriend (whose name is Frank?) comes to pick Sad Sack up for a date. Chloe is forced to go downstairs and entertain him because Sad Sack is actually pulling the keep your date waiting while you finish getting ready move. Uh oh, we get a scene of Kai the Jackal looking very suspicious. This show basically spoon feeds us everything.

Chloe and Frank are talking. Chloe is trying to grill him about her mom and he says some vaguely weird things about Sad Sack that I forgot to write down. Chloe tells Frank that he and Sad Sack will get along great because they both like to overshare. Sad but true. Amy shows up with Chinese food and Ryan Gosling DVDs in tow. These would be decent offering to place on the altar of Megan no h, but it still doesn’t make me not hate Amy. Amy is introduced to Frank and actually pulls the “you hurt her, you’ll regret it” line on him. That is always awkward, and never appropriate. Actually, one of my old coworkers once pulled that line on my then boyfriend, now husband. It was so random and hilarious because he did not know me anywhere near well enough to be dropping that line.

Sad Sack mom leaves and then quickly returns, in a convoluted attempt to make us hide Amy and Kai the (temporality shirtless) Jackal in a closet together. Gratuitous. When Amy and Chloe are talking later, Amy starts to wonder if Mai can hook up with Jackals. I vote we find out the hard way (pun intended!)

Chloe goes to Valentina’s house to say she wants to help Kai the Jackal get home. Cue the freak outs! Why doesn’t Chloe understand we have to kill all Jackals, indiscriminately. Maybe it has something to do with not having bothered to tell her of their existence for six whole episodes. Could it be that? Finally, Valentina reluctantly agrees. Which is actually just a tricky trick. She wants Alek and Jasmine to find the Jackal lair and call her so they can send hunters to destroy them all. To quote Valentina, “THE JACKALS MUST ALL BE DESTROYED.”

Sad Sack mom returns home from her date (which, I guess means she didn’t get laid?) Sad Sack says she and Frank talked for THREE HOURS and that they laughed so much people at other tables gave them LOOKS (guys, seriously, keep it down!) But then like a total Boner Killer, Sad Sack brings up that husband that abandoned her and her young child ten years ago. Honestly, that’s actually really fucked up and sad. I would probably be a lot creepier/weirder/sad sackier than Sad Sack if someone pulled that on me. Sad Sack feels guilty for even going on a date. Sad Sack! Science has proven the only way to feel better about being cruelly abandoned is to FUCK EVERY MAN ON THE PLANET. Starting with Frank!

Chloe goes up to her room to find Alek sitting on her bed. IN THE DARK. Why is it when Alek is stalkery, I just find it charming? Kai is apparently sleeping in the attic (ick). Alek is all why do you care about other things/people? Alek just can’t understand Chloe’s strange obsession with needing to intervene in the lives of people she doesn’t know at all. Guess what Alek? Neither can I! Seems Chloe has a bit a’ Liz Wakefield in her. Alek leaves through Chloe’s window and I really wish he would start using the door. It reminds me too much of this ex I used to have who would sneak in my window. He would come in at night and gently spoon me until he broke up with me, disappeared and hid the mixes he made me under a loose floorboard.

Wait, that wasn’t me.

It’s the next day! Everyone’s walking Kai the Jackal to the wharf so he can go home. Kai looks much better without his homeless person hat on. And, OH CRAP THEY BROUGHT AMY. Why on EARTH would they bring Amy?? How does this situation at ALL seem safe enough to bring her along. Well, on the plus side, Amy’s hair is very cute. I wish I had professionals to French braid my hair every day. In high school, I had a friend who would French braid my hair every day in our American history class, even though the teacher would yell at us, because we were little assholes.

Amy starts telling Chloe about how she should date a Mai guy and proceeds to bring up Alek. Amy! This is the first intelligent thing you’ve ever said! Keep ’em coming! Oh course Alek is eavesdropping on the whole convo. Paul asks Kai who would win in a cage fight between a Mai and Jackal. Kai says definitely a Jackal. I mean, no way is he biased. They reach some abandoned building (surprise!), which is their destination/Jackal nest. Kai the Jackal starts freaking out, saying the Mai have been there and he runs inside. Chloe rushes after him, because she is dumb as rocks.

And OMG the jackals have arrived. I don’t think any of us could have guessed this outcome! Also, Alek didn’t text Valentina, so Mai back-up has not arrived. It’s a trap! Chloe is the worst at reading people. EVERYONE and their obnoxious cousin said that she shouldn’t trust this guy. And Chloe, whose every action gives a big fuck you to everyone around her, blew off their warnings. I bet when this is all over, she isn’t going to apologize or learn her lesson. There are some fight scenes, until Chloe gets grabbed by all three Jackals at once. At this point Paul throws a rock at the giant leader Jackal. Awww Paul.

Alek shows up to defend Chloe. He gets the shit kicked out of him by the world’s largest Jackal. He is getting pulverized and I am actually feeling sad for Alek. And I hate that he has to get hurt because Chloe chose to do something stupid!

A GIANT Jackal wants to kill Chloe. Kai feels bad because Chloe is different and was nice to him. Well, Kai, if you feel bad, why did you choose to betray her in the first place? You choose to betray her after she had helped you out. Uh, whatever. Kai changes sides and decides to help Chloe. Chloe gets a burst of super cat power and dominates the large Jackal. She decides not to kill him and lets him go. Great, they’re left alive to guest star on future episodes, uhhh.

The fighting is over! They all walk away, except for poor Alek who has to LIMP away, because he has been beat to shit. Chloe asks Alek why he jumped into the fight like that. Alek, with his face all bloodies and bruised, tells Chloe if anything had happened to her, he couldn’t live with himself. CHLOE, SEX THIS GUY OR I WILL DO IT FOR YOU. Look at him! Look at his face! He did that FOR YOU!!! Chloe, how are your lady parts are not on fire right now?!?

Back at Valentina’s. Jasmine covers up for Alek disobeying Valentina’s order. Valentina actually says “it seems there is no end to the ways in which you disappoint me.” !!!! Whoa! Valentina! You are HORRIBLE! BD and Valentina should fuck, have a kid and then compete with each other on WHO CAN BE MORE TERRIBLE TO IT. Jasmine tells Alek to stop letting his feelings for Chloe get them in trouble. I agree!

Chloe gets home. Sad Sack wants to talk. She has forms to fill out to declare Chloe’s Dad “dead in absentia.” He’s been gone for ten years, it’s time to move on, Sad Sack says. This makes Chloe sad because she knows her awful Dad is alive, since he sends her lame and unhelpful emails. Chloe, you should still let your mom sign it. Maybe you can buy a pony with the insurance money!

Knock at the front door. It’s Alek! He listened to what I said about using doors! He tells Chloe “we belong together.” That’s super corny, but definitely a step up from “I think I’m falling in love with you.” Alek kisses her! She kisses back! Awww, yay! Hurray!

That’s it for this week! What did you all think? Were you all as excited as I was for Alek, our favorite douchecanoe with a heart of gold, to kiss Chloe? Do you think these crazy kids are gonna make it work? Any bets on how many episodes they last before a break up?

Megan is an unabashed fangirl who is often in a state of panic about her inability to watch, read and play all the things.