Title: The Nine Lives of Chloe King S1.E08 “Heartbreaker”
Released: 2011

Previous episode: “Dogs of War”

Guys, I am so genuinely excited for Chloe King. What are these feelings I feel? I spend so much time being sarcastic that I hardly know what’s real anymore. But do you know what was, in the words of the brilliant Mandy Moore, SO REAL? That kiss that went down last episode between Chloe and Alek, that is what was SO REAL. Okay, I suppose something that happened on a fictional TV show can hardly be called “real”, but I kind of have a problem distinguishing reality from fiction. Now that Chloe is making out with my second favorite character, how long will my joy last? Let’s find out!

We start out tonight’s episode where we last ended, which is with Chloe and Alek eating face. Our camera pans back and we see…Brian! Brian is watching the whole thing. Classic Brian! In fact, “Classic Brian” will now be my term for dropping by someone’s residence with a lame/fake excuse. Like when I wrote about that guy who used to drop by my apartment in college when he knew I would be home watching TV? Pulling a classic Brian. So Brian basically creepy stares at Chloe and Alek making out until they notice. He storms off saying “he gets it” now. Brian, let me tell you something. When it comes to you and Chloe? You never get it. Chloe gets upset and runs after Brian, saying a bunch of stuff about how it didn’t “mean anything.” Brian leaves and Alek comes up, upset that Chloe said what happened between them was nothing. Chloe is seriously just digging one hole after the next. Alek leaves, upset. And actually…I’m kind of upset for him! Like, poor Alek! He has real people feelings! The little Douche McNugget has learned how to be a real boy! But that comes with feelings. Awww, let’s go hug him!

Chloe, obviously upset about ruining two quasi-relationships within the span of 30 seconds, takes to wondering around the city in the middle of the night. It looks like she’s just sitting down in the middle of an empty road. Whilst wondering, she sees a building that says Corbin Kelley on it and takes a picture. I have no idea what this means. Chloe hears someone screaming/in trouble. Being the reckless cat person she is, she decides to investigate. She sees what looks like a purse stealing man and beats him down. The purse appears to be filled with overly large, sparkly jewelry. The woman with the purse shows her gratitude by smacking Chloe across the face with a large wooden board. Meeouch. (Yes. I went there.) The cops arrive and the criminals run away.

The cops take Chloe home and Sad Sack Mom is upset that Chloe was out, alone, at night. Which, I suppose is fairly reasonable. I mean, why can’t she do her moping in her room, on her computer like the rest of us used to? I’m sure Chloe could just write a very sad LiveJournal post about how unfair the world is. It worked for me, and I turned out great! Sad Sack is all is this about your dad? Chloe explains what happened with her two male suitors to get Sad Sack off of her back.

Chloe and Paul are chilling with the Golden Gate Bridge in the backdrop, like they do. Chloe asks Paul why she can’t just tell her mom about being Mai. Paul says “protecting loved ones from your secrets is like superhero 101.” While I don’t necessarily agree that Chloe should keep it a secret (I mean, seriously, what’s the point? And obviously it will get out eventually), I still LOVE that Paul defaults to his vast superhero knowledge.

Chloe walks up to Alek at school. He is still super butt hurt. He’s all “You need to get over being human” and “I almost got myself killed for you.” To which Chloe rightfully replies “And you think that earns you what? Me?” Good point, Chloe! It’s like all of those guys who think paying for your chicken Caesar salad earns them an HJ. But then again, I consider my life much more valuable than a salad, so maybe Chloe does owe Alek something. Like, a gift card. Or a “thanks for saving my life” lap dance. Or a gift card FOR a lap dance.

Chloe and Sad Sack are walking on some street and we are forced to witness the most ridiculously gratuitous product placement. Chloe sees a Kia parked on the street and goes on a spiel about how wonderful it is, and won’t her mother please get her one. A 16 year old girl becoming a cat person? That I can buy. A 16 year old girl wanting a Kia? Show, you clearly expect WAY too much from my imagination. Not gonna happen. I wonder how much money Kia paid the show? If they need money that badly, why don’t they just kill off Amy?

At the police station. A handsome detective talks to Sad Sack. He says Chloe was brave and Sad Sack replies “only if brave and stupid mean the same thing.” Oh, but they do, they do! Handsome detective tries to convince Sad Sack that Chloe’s some sort of late night drug addict. Every time she tries to tell him she knows better, he shoots her down. Oh handsome detective, you are not NEARLY handsome enough to continue to call Chloe a drug addict. Sad Sack is getting annoyed by this line of questioning and I’m proud of her for standing up to annoying detective/cop.

Uh oh, the lame criminals from the middle of the night are staking out Chloe. They try and run over Chloe and Sad Sack but luckily Chloe’s cat reflexes save them both. I wonder if the car that tried to run them over was a Kia too?

Back at La Casa de King. Sad Sack comes up to Chloe’s room and tell her that she’s been googling teen drug use. All the signs, like being moody and distant, totally point to Chloe being a drug addict. Yes, because NO 16 year old can be moody without drugs! I am still moody, every goddamn day of my life. HAS SOMEONE BEEN SECRETLY FEEDING ME DRUGS? Or maybe, I’m secretly a drug addict, but since drug addicts are SUPER good liars and manipulators, I’ve actually been HIDING MY ADDICTION FROM MYSELF, FOR YEARS. Sad Sack accusing Chloe of being on drugs pisses her off, and rightfully so. Also, I’m annoyed that I gave credit to Sad Sack earlier at the police station, when she obviously didn’t deserve it.

Chloe goes to the coffee shop bookstore and sees Brian outside. She tries to talk to him about what happened. Brian is being a complete asswad about the whole thing. Pretty sure you’re not allowed to be pissed at a girl you’re NOT DATING for having the nerve to make out with someone not you. Actually, real life guys are pissed about this constantly, but that doesn’t make it right. When Chloe says Alek is just a friend, Brian responds with “another just friend. I’m not sure you know what that means.” Ummm, exxcuuuuseee meeee??? YOU’RE the one who couldn’t handle the JUST FRIENDS part Brian, not Chloe. My goodness, this boy has quite the warped sense of reality. Chloe tells Brian about the building that said C P Kelley (which, I now remember is what was written on the back of the picture of Brian’s dead mom.) This is nice of Chloe, because I would be mean and not give Brian that info.

A girl walks out of the coffee shop and sits down with Brian. Brian tells Chloe “This is Julie, she’s a FRIEND.” Christ, Brian, seriously! Bitterness does NOT look good on you. Julie, who thankfully looks college aged, tells Brian the shop has “those cookies you like.” So, apparently Brian tells ALL the ladies about how he likes to eat stupid French cookies. How sad is it that talking about cookies is one of Brian’s signature moves.

Amy and Chloe are chatting at the coffee shop book store. Amy is trying to cheer Chloe up by saying that Alek is hot. Amy, you are so correct! You have some sense for once! Jasmine comes to the vintage boutique clothing store to talk to Chloe about Alek. Jasmine gets all mama cougar and says how nice Alek is and how he doesn’t deserve to be hurt. Awww, Jasmine loves her pseudo-brother!

Chloe gets called back down to the police station. Amy asks the detective if he’s ever shot someone. Hahaha, oh shit, are they trying to make me like Amy now?? Chloe identifies both criminals from a book of mug shots. Chloe gets an empathy hit from the detective, who apparently has ANGER toward Chloe. Chloe decides to follow the detective. He meets up with the criminals from the other night, which definitely make it seem like he’s a dirty cop/detective. She notices the criminal’s car is the same one that tried to run her over. Sad Sack calls Chloe on the phone to whine about some family dinner. This distracts Chloe from eavesdropping on the criminal’s conversation. She not so conveniently misses the part where they say they need to do something about the girl, aka Chloe.

Brian shows up at the C.P. Kelley building. This building has keys all over the walls! Brian has a key. Brian talks to the worker but doesn’t have any ID. Brian drops the Rezza name and gets by. Lo and behold…it’s a storage locker! Number 1975!

Sad Sack, who has made it her ultimate goal to out-Amy Amy, has gone completely insane. Sad Sack has decided it’s perfectly acceptable to snoop in Chloe’s room and go through her stuff. She spies Chloe’s laptop sitting out. Chloe! You better have a damn password on that shit, but I have a feeling you don’t.

Back at our favorite coffee shop bookstore. Amy, Paul, Jasmine and Chloe are planning on how to get some evidence on dirty cop. Not entirely sure why they care, but caring about things she has no business to is kind of Chloe’s classic move. Classic Chloe! Alek shows up to the meeting and accuses them of plotting. Chloe asks him why he came and he says “we all have to do things we don’t enjoy.” Alek is starting to get funny with his moping. When he’s being a whiny bitch, I find it hilarious. When Brian is…I just find it weirdly aggressive. The thing is, it would be super easy for Chloe to get Alek to forgive her. She would just need to show him that she really liked him. Like, initiate something herself. So, come on Chloe, just suck his face or grind on his lap a bit. Seriously, he’ll be over his butt hurt in a minute. I’m just not sure Chloe actually DOES like him, which is frustrating. The main character of a show should always like the same people as I do. Always.

Chloe returns home for her mandatory family dinner. Sad Sack SNOOPER Mom is all “when were you going to tell me your father is alive.” Crazy bitch read her email! Sad Sack mom is PISSED, which is totally allowed because Chloe did NOT tell her that the man who abandoned them ten years ago was contacting her by email. That said, crazy bitch should NOT have been reading her email. Chloe is grounded.

Brian is going through the storage room. He is finding lot’s of his mom’s old shit. I wonder who put it all in there? Brian’s mom? BD? Brian finds what looks like a wedding ring. Possibly his mom’s wedding ring? This seems suspicious to me, because shouldn’t this be on Brian’s Mom’s dead finger? And turns out the storage room worker has been watching Brian on a secret camera. He proceeds to call someone…but who?

Chloe is sitting on her roof. Alek comes by. Now he’s being nice and sweet again. I knew he couldn’t stay mad at us forever! Err, I mean Chloe. Alek heard about Chloe’s mom dramz. He tells Chloe about his childhood. His parents were killed in Russia. He got adopted by some people in England. When he started developing his Mai powers, he told his adopted parents. He doesn’t exactly say it, but it sounds like his adopted parents rejected him a la Sam from True Blood. Awww, poor Alek. While I feel sorry for him, it’s just so obvious the same would not happen for Chloe. Sad Sack doesn’t have anyone else besides Chloe. I mean, come on, she’s SAD SACK. Plus, Amy and Paul took it well enough.

Everyone is staking out dirty cop. Amy tells Alek “you’re protecting your Chloe!” Alek gets annoyed that Amy called Chloe his. Paul says Chloe broke his heart too, ten years ago, after they kissed. Man, good thing she wasn’t Mai then. Alek is absolutely disgusted by Paul and Amy. And asks them if they have to tell each other EVERY thing.

Back at Chloe’s. Sad Sack notices an OPEN DOOR in her house. And doesn’t really think anything of it, except to close it. I would be WAY better at a home invasion than Sad Sack. When I was growing up, if there were times the door was left unlocked, I would totally check out every room, with a KNIFE, just to be sure someone didn’t sneak in. Okay, maybe that’s a bit much, but I was a sad lonely latchkey kid, so give me a break. One of the criminals sneaks up and chloroforms Sad Sack.

Dirty cop sneaks upstairs with a gun! I’m kind of confused. What kind of criminal operation is this dirty cop mixed up in? All I saw earlier was jewelry. It doesn’t exactly sound like the kind of operation worth murdering a 16 year old girl for. Murdering people gets you in lots of trouble. Unless you have good lawyers. But I doubt dirty cop does. Also, couldn’t he have just not called Chloe back in to identify those criminals? Do you really think Chloe would follow up with the cops to see how that investigation was going?

Chloe and her cat powers are all over this shit. Chloe takes out both criminals, one at a time. Only dirty cop is left. Chloe hides herself and Sad Sack in a closet. Unfortuntely, the buzzing of Chloe’s cell phone gives away their location. Dirty cop is just about to walk up to the closet when…deus ex Alek! Alek ninja kicks him! Alek hilariously points out that whenever Chloe is in trouble, she calls him, not Brian. Chloe! How are you not impregnating yourself with Alek, RIGHT THIS MINUTE? Pure insanity!

Chloe’s mom is a bit more forgiving post-home invasion. Now she thinks Chloe has been weird the last couple of months because of her dad. Sad Sack and Chloe talk it out. Later, Sad Sack pulls out her Chloe baby box. There’s an article about a baby being the lone survivor of a massacre in Ukraine and Chloe’s dad was a reporter/writer of the article. So that’s how they black market adopted Chloe! Sad Sack proceeds to send an email to Chloe’s dad. I bet he won’t respond. Sad.

Brian shows up at the vintage clothing boutique. He tells Chloe about the storage room. He shows Chloe the engagement ring…it was supposed to have been stolen on the night of dead mom’s murder/mugging! Murmugging. So what’s it doing in that storage room!?! So many secrets! As Chloe and Brian talk, Alek watches on from the background, all lurky and jealous like.

Well, that’s it for this week! What did you all think? I can’t believe Chloe and Alek are basically over before they even started, but I’m NOT surprised. TV never gives me what I want. So what did you all think? Only two more episodes left!

Megan is an unabashed fangirl who is often in a state of panic about her inability to watch, read and play all the things.